Step Out.
The window was rusted, and dark with dust. It usually held no purpose in the attic, because no one looked through it, even though it gave a beautiful view of the outside world, it was feared rather than revered. But, for the girl that was staring out that dark blurry window it was a world she now longed for. With that longing though she knew that to step out into the world would be difficult, people would judge her, and they would mock her. What if they hated her? Beat her? Ignored her? What if they challenged her? Told her she wasn’t good enough? What if they hurt her? What if she died?
Typically, when the sun was setting and the wind would come westward towards the house she would be in her room. In the air-conditioned utopia she had created for herself. She would sing a soft song of fake joy and smile even though to lift up her face was a burden. She would sell herself lies to gain the imprisonment of her mind. All this she would manage in a few moments, and she would not notice, instead she would think herself restricted, that she was the victim. Not that she was victimizing herself. But was she? It couldn’t be possible. She was not sure, but her heart had ached. It begged, it pleaded for the world outside, for real singing, for laughter, to feel the wind on her fingertips and breathe fresh mid-autumn air.
For that day was different. She had noticed a rat in the kitchen and ran to her room and locked the door. Suddenly realizing that the rat could come through a hole she had in her wall she threw open her door and raced to the attic, not thinking, just doing. She entered by the ladder opening and slammed herself shut there. Then she quickly found extra light due to natural light, and brightened the room. She then gathered herself together on the floor next to the small circular window that was dirty beyond cleaning and was open a little. It was open enough for her to feel the wind on her forehead as it passed.
She stared outside the window, in somewhat of a daze. It had been so long since she had been out there. It was unknown to her what it would be like if she stepped outside, but when she looked through the filth of the window and to the sun setting over the horizon on top of her neighborhood and town, and world for that matter, she dreamed of being somewhere other than a room. She thought of the mountains, and all their glory, she thought of the beauty of a stream and a brook, of the flowers blooming fresh from the ground and the lively animals all living freely. She thought of the beach, the sand, gritty sand all around, billions of them, tiny grains! They all were individual to her, they all held their importance, yet together, together they made their stance. She thought of the moon, oh how she longed to see the moon, a half moon, a full moon or any type. She knew that she was there, in her home for a reason, for some reason, but at that moment, when the darkness settled all over, she could remember it no more. She felt empty, hollow, stuck, and broken. She had denied herself so many wonders and she could no longer remember the reason why.
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140,630 Literary Works • 673,569 Reviews
Hi there! I likes this story and the description is great, however, I feel the pacing was a bit slow...maybe it felt that way because the story didn't have much action. I feel something that would liven up the story would be to show scenarios instead of simply just telling. For example, when she is questioning the dangers of the outside world, instead of writing a list, write about a scary event she saw on the news or better yet, bitter and scary memories of the past. This would help add in some action and characterization if you were to go with some memories. This can also be applied to the end when she starts thinking of the beauty in life, make her view s and memories more personal. I think that would really open up the character because although I know she's afraid and hesitant, I still don't really know her much.
Nice start you have here!
I'm also curious as to how she's able to live alone without going outside. What about work? How is she able to afford her home? What about her family? Maybe this story is meant to be one of complete realism but I would like some indication of this, and it doesn't have to be in a direct way.
For me, those were the things I felt were missing and would like to know more about. When someone wants to know more, its a good sign
Actually, you have a good point, I do need to add some memories, that would perhaps help my story be more personal to readers and more captivating. That said though, this is not a real or typical "story" it's more of a metaphor. That is why I didn't really want her to be too personal or connecting because I just wanted to get the basic sense out there about how some people don't realize how much they keep themselves in bondage about one thing or the other. So, about her being alone and all I understand but then again, I am not trying to personalize my character to a certain point, which is why I did not even give her a name.
But I understand and thank you.
Hey! I think that this is an amazing story! Aside from the occasional grammatical error, I thought it was really good. I think you have a really incredible power to bring things to life in stories through your descriptions. I think that whenever you write you should take advantage of this ability. For example, in this story, there was a very simple plot but your descriptions are what made me as a reader interest. So pay a lot of attention to that! Other than that, there really isn't anything else I can say
. Keep writing! I look forward to reading more of your work.
I have one simple thing to say: this is AWESOME...i have my eye on you
Back again!
"She had denied herself so many wonders and she could no longer remember the reason why." That final sentence made me think the girl had finally lost hersel, even her thoughts and was a great way to end it. I also like how the girl went nameless throughout the whole story - which emphasises the loss of identity.
Another very nice story. I loved the description. It was written beautifully as if you had chosen each word out carefully. I loved the last paragraph because it displayed such a lovely way to view the world. I liked the idea of all the indivisual beings make one whole, and the idea of how colourful and bright the world is. And it made me pause and reflect a second how pretty the world actually is. But in the same paragraph in the last few sentences you manage to make the reader go from happy (thinking of beauty) to sad and pity for the girl. That was well done
A few nitpicks with the first paragraph: "It had held no purpose in the attic usually" I would make it into two sentecnes. "It held no purpose in the attic. Usually..."
"usually because no one usually looked through it" You repeat the word usually twice. I think this was an accident. Maybe use the word normally or remove the second usually completely.
"Typically when the sun " I would put a comma after 'Typically' because the sentence seems smoother with a pause there.
I really liked it! Keep writing, yor really talented and I enjoy your short stories
Deanie x
Thanks Deanie, I took heed of your corrections.