When I became Time
It started when I stopped.
That makes it sound like I voluntarily stopped. What I meant to say was it started when my body stopped me, if that is a better way to explain. I was forced to stop for I no longer could control my movements; I was forced to stop because that was all I thought to do. My mind was telling me: Stop.
I could not understand at first because there were places I needed to go, things I needed to see, to do. At that moment I was about to cross the road, the light before me was green. People pushed passed me murmuring that I was crazy, stupid or lazy and went on by trying to get on with their lives.
But my mind was telling me to stop, and when I tried to move, I couldn’t bring myself to. I then watched them crossing the road and then looked about me, everything was kind of dimming, and the streets intertwined in this beautifully packed city were looking like a blur. More people now pushing past me, but I could not move, nor could I feel them after the dim, I could not feel them at all.
Finally I was submersed in darkness. It was scary and I was alone. For a moment I wondered if I was dead, if this was the waiting before heaven. I believed I would go to heaven; I was positive, at least as positive as I could be. I had always been positive, and I wasn’t going to stop the moment I really needed to be. I waited, for I felt like I was waiting. I then knew I wasn’t dead, but instead was summoned, had I been dead I wouldn’t feel like I was waiting, I wouldn’t feel like someone, or something was coming.
The darkness grew lighter in an almost un-noticeable way, as if the darkness had been turned down by a quarter of a fraction or some other minimal number. My mind had also become lighter, like I was being emptied of heavy thoughts, or knowledge, and that is most likely why I cannot remember what I was doing before it started, before I stopped. I cannot remember my human days or why I was chosen; it could have been that I would respect the job most; it could have been that I would accept it the most.
For although being it is strange since I do realize I was a human I know what my job is and I enjoy it. Can I tell you the best part? The flying. Or rather the soaring. I think that’s the best part of the whole thing. Now, back to the story, when my mind was lightened I was then brightened. Literally. I was illuminated, my whole body was light, and before I knew it I was separating. Into tiny different numbers. My “uniform” for my new job.
The numbers, or me, stayed together but slightly apart floating in the air, or the space I was in. I then gained new knowledge: I was time. I was at least some time, I could pass through the stream with other time and push forward the milliseconds into seconds and the seconds into minutes and the minutes into hours, the hours into days, the days to weeks, the weeks, into months, the months to years, the years to decades, and the decades to centuries.
But it is not always enjoyable, because I watch people run out of time or miss time, from a totally different perspective. I see what they could have done, or what they should have done to save time, allowing me to soar quicker and the sun to move slower. But people did not take those chances or make those changes. And the worst thing was I could never communicate.
But that’s changed. I have broken through, and risking my existence I am writing this, I am writing this because I have seen devastation because of time, I have seen horror, I am writing this because some of that could have been avoided. I am writing this because I am tired of pushing the world forward when it does nothing with that privilege, I am writing this because time has been misunderstood and blamed too frequently. I am writing this as my last task to the human race, to the world, earth.
Please don’t forget, time is limited, use it wisely.
And please don’t forget,
Time cares.
[spoiler]This has been something I've wanted to do for a long time, ha, time! But anyways, I've long thought on how to interpret someone becoming time...and this is what I've come up with. I hope poeple like it. (it is a bit futuristic, I think?)[/spoiler]
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
This is really interesting, you had a great hook and a wonderful ending that left me wanting more. It's also well written, and makes you think, which I believe makes it even better.
First of all I'd like to say that I like this story of yours, a lot in fact. It is well written and the concept is quite interesting and could easily be developed further if you wanted to turn the story into something lengthier e.g. a novel or such. I've almost got nothing to point out in terms of errors but there was one or two things. The first thing I noted, perhaps not an error as much as a stylistic choice, was the word explain at the end of this sentence: "What I meant to say was it started when my body stopped me, if that is a better way to explain." Personally I'd have gone with something along the lines of "if that's a better way to put it." That aside, it was one of my favourite sentences though. The whole first half of the story was, I don't know how else to put it - very zen. The other thing I noted is that the word "that" is missing from one sentence near the end, "And the worst thing was I could never communicate." Alternatively, you could add some sort of pause there for effect.
I thought a couple of things were really cool. The way you described the stopping of the body for one. That part is just beautifully executed, job well done! I particularly liked the partial disintegration into light and the sensation of waiting as an argument against death. Oh, and the soaring.
Carina mentioned something in her review that I believe is worth echoing, "Sensory descriptions: they are your best friend." This is so very true and I'd like to see just a bit more of them in the story since that would bring this already good piece up a notch or two. You've got the concept down, pitch a plot line and weave in good quality descriptions where they fit and this could easily be the prologue to a story I'd pick up and read.
Hey, yeah I think I'm definitely going to edit/revive this!(As soon as I have enough time
) Not sure about making it a novel type story, but it makes me so happy it would be a good prologue to one! Thanks so much!
I have mixed feelings about this one. i liked it because it is a different concept that i have never seen before. using a human voice to describe the creating of time in a very human "how did i feel, physically and emotionally when time changed, how did i become and experience things as i changed" its very interesting and compelling to think about.
i didn't like it because it was so vague on a lot of things bur that's just me and i like a lot of details about all the 5 since of the experiences one has in a story.
Hey:) <--- Smiley face, something to cheer you up for the bad review I am about to give you... JKJK... Don`t take me so seriously... GOSH!
First, wonderful hook! That is what drew me in. Now, I am thinking to myself what had started when you stopped. I am going to read further to get the details that I want from this story. Without the title, I would have never guessed that you had be describing time the whole story. Like I would have thought that you were like a dog or something... Then my scattered brain put two and two together and I got FISH! No... I got that you were explaining your new look and new problems that you faced with people blaming you because you have happened to change. It is something different looking at the world through the eyes of time. Now, everytime I am about to glare at the clock for either being too fast or too slow I`ll think twice about doing so. Because creepy as it may sound, the clock may have feelings like you described in you book. Now if you will excuse I have to go check myself into a mental asylum for believing that clocks have feelings
Keep writing!
Hello! :}
I'm Carina. Nice ta meetcha! It's been about a year since I've visited YWS, and you'll be my first review.
As previously stated by the other comments and reviews, I really, really love your main idea! The whole concept of a guy "being" time itself while everyone blames time for everything that has every happened is really intriguing. It's unique and interesting to think and ponder about, which makes an excellent short story such as this one pulse and come alive, bravo.
However, I feel like the beginning is a bit awkward. While coming to the end of the story and finally piecing everything today, I actually had to go back to the beginning to reread what happened to fully understand what was happening. Your starting sentence is very nice and it does immediately catch my attention, so I would keep definition keep it. The paragraph after that could use more flow.
Oh, and I've noticed that the story is coming in and out of second person. I noted in my handy dandy notepad that this happened in the first paragraph, and I was a little confused whether the narrator was actually narrating, or if it was written in third and the events were unfolding as written. (For example, the "Can I tell you the best part?" is in second.)
I feel like you could be more descriptive. Remember the five senses: feel, smell, sight, taste, and hear. What did this time guy see while flying? What was it like to go back and forth between time? Did it hurt? Could he hear anything? Was the air stagnant and rigid, or was it healthy and fresh?
Here's a little blurb I puked out as an example.
Instead of the, "But it is not always enjoyable..." paragraph, I roughly wrote:
I know that that paragraph is actually kinda misplaced and doesn't really fit, but do you see the general idea? Sensory descriptions: they are your best friend.
Moving on the conclusion.
I think your conclusion is the strongest point of this story. I really loved how it was written and it really tied into everything, so good job on that. :}
If I had to give you some input, I think you could elaborate more on time caring.
I've noticed there were a couple grammatical errors, but since it's just nitpicking, I'll only go into detail if you want me to. Overall, I like the main idea, but put more work into it and it can be even better. :]
Great Work!
I think its a creative piece of work.Its subtle yet glaring.
Hey Dreamy
"It started when I stopped". A beuatiful openin line that immediately hooks the reader. It could mean anything and already I'm dragged in and wanting to know more. The beginning of the story is a tad confusing - and I only understand the gist of it. I understand how it relates to the story but I still feel as if it's cloudy, and I think you need to expand more on the beginning.
I really liked the middle. I loved how at first the character was toying with time - like it was a new toy, excited to see how it could go faster and faster. It makes the character seem young and interested. Especially when you used the words "push forwards". It made the character seem like she was embracing time.
And then as the story goes on the character seems to age, getting older and more weary. Seeing people waste time and blame time constantly and not choose the right path. Although I think it's diffcult to make a character age and become wiser throughout a novel, you managed to develop your charcter perfectly through a short story. Briliant!
The best bit was the end though. I like how the character had a final statement, something she had wanted to say for a while. And I like the entire meaning behnd the story of time not wanting to be blamed, but be seen as precious and caring.
The content was good (as I've gone on and on about) but the only thing I can see that might need a little work is the beginning, to make it more understandable. Apart from that I think it was a wonderful read.
Deanie x
thank you so much! Will look it over!
that is a very interesting story! I only found a few small problems. first, the story didn't make much sence in the beginning, but it became much much better at the end. also, it would be nice if you could explain the main character just a bit more, to get more of a feel of him. other than that, that was an amazing story! i would gladly read much more if i could! hope to talk to you soon!-Andy
You mean her?
Thanks! I really didn't want to continue on too much, because I felt that I wanted my short story to be short (not that it has to be) and also because I wanted to make the character forget her or his past...but I will think about it. Thanks! 
I was drawn in from the first sentence its a real hook. it could mean anything. It stole my attention and i just wanted to read more. thank u for writing this amazing piece.
This reminds me of a book i read called Maximum Ride. It's mysterious and great in many ways.
OMG! I love this it pulled me in at first word,only i feel its to short. I love the way you portray the characters emotions and feelings. It makes you feel as if though you could be the one living it,and not just reading it.I hope you will do more shorty stories like this and I will be reading and following. Also I got slightly confused right at the end, maybe its just me and I read it wrong or it you fell as if time isn't always there.