Among the many crises of our new century, have you not considered
My legs
Twice a week I shave them
With cheap razors. For though my needs and desires are not cheap
I am.
Graceful members the gentle Ariel would have killed for
I shave in the shower with my glasses off
Strong, shapely calves, phenomenal, dainty ankles
Spotted with angry red pores
And grey five 'o clock shadows taunting me from underneath
The marks of my hubris.
If the world sees not the gifts from my ancestors
If they miss the fruits of my athletic labours
At least they will see
that I tried.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,775 Reviews
Hi there, Ellie-Mae here for a quick review!
I’ll give honest feedback, but nothing at all is intended to hurt or discourage you in any way at all! <3 So, without waiting any longer, let’s get right into it and digest the spectabulous piece of literary work!
Wishing you a happy day/evening/morning/night/whatever is applicable to your part of the world! First off, please remember that my reviews are my own opinions
this was interesting to read! I enjoyed how descriptive you were.
If the world sees not the gifts from my ancestors
If they miss the fruits of my athletic labours
At least they will see
that I tried.
I like the reference to the ancestors
Strong, shapely calves, phenomenal, dainty ankles
Spotted with angry red pores
And grey five 'o clock shadows taunting me from underneath
The marks of my hubris.
great description!
Twice a week I shave them
With cheap razors. For though my needs and desires are not cheap
I am.
Graceful members the gentle Ariel would have killed for
I shave in the shower with my glasses off
loved this part:
With cheap razors. For though my needs and desires are not cheap
I am.
Ellie-Mae
Hey SirenCymbeline!
I'm Elinor, and I wanted to drop by and help you get this poem out of the green room! It was an enjoyable read, and I definitely know the feeling of wanting to pick out cheap razors only for them to leave a ton of nicks on my skin! Or, the hair will grow back almost immediately. So, this was quite funny to me, and I think a lot of people will be able to relate to it.
I think the poem as it is is quite strong, but I wanted to a few specific comments below.
I really like this, but I almost wonder if it could even be more dramatic. Give examples of what
some of the major crises of the twenty-first century have been. Then, when you bring it back to your legs, it'll make it all the more funny.
I like this too, and can relate to it. I'm not sure what the glasses has to do with shaving the shower, maybe that it's harder to see? Anyway, I'd tie it back more to this idea of shaving in the shower. Maybe you realize later that you miss a few hairs, especially awkwardly placed ones?
I know it's happened to me.The last line in particular is funny, but the rest of this stanza feels a bit off from what you brought up in the rest of the poem. I'd maybe connect it more to the idea of clean, smooth legs, and maybe how this is unattainable.
Anyway, great work! Let me know if you have any questions. I enjoyed reading your poem.
Cheers,
Elinor
Hi!
Good lord this is funny. So dry, I though at first you were being serious, which made it funnier!
My parents like to make fun of my 'cankles' which I certainly do not have! (Or do I?) Anyway, it's super relatable.
I love the very serious language you used and the step ladder quality to the flow. It's way dramatic, which is even more hilarious.
There was a few parts that weren't entirely clear, like here-
"For though my needs and desires are not cheap
I am."
It's funny, but what I gathered was your legs are priceless, but you only get cheap razors?
Another I read a couple of times, the only line that tripped me up, was-
"Graceful members the gentle Ariel would have killed for."
First off, I assume you mean Ariel off The Little Mermaid, one of my favorite movies of all time. And how you put 'gentle' and 'would have killed for' is an awesome contrast. I think calling your legs 'members' is what threw me off, but I get it now so it might just be a me thing.
AMAZING job on this! It really made me laugh
AndName
Hey thanks for the review! (and sorry for the late reply.) Your comments were nice and specific, I found them really helpful.
The drama and serious-not serious tone was my intent, so I'm happy that went over well. I wasn't sure about the stepladder format, as I just don't write poetry like this often, so I'm glad that worked, too.
The razors line means pretty much what you think it did.
I agree, 'members' was a weird term to use, maybe I should have used something more usual, I just didn't like the way 'limbs' or 'appendages' would've flowed. (And yeah, I did mean that Ariel.)
Thanks so much, I'm happy you thought this was funny
No problem!