You swing by when you're borderline high, or hit a new record of low
You'll tell me half of what's ailing you, and half of what you say will be so
I trust you as loosely as I trust myself, and you trust me almost as well
But you'll always be mine, and hers, and his, and that suits me very fine
Fickle hearts and restless minds, vengeful souls with stones to grind
Wasteful hearts and faithless kinds ought to stick together
I'll swing by when I'm unsound of mind, and you're the only one I know
Who knows what I mean, and isn't too clean to see my dirty heart unfold
You say that I own you, body and soul, but you don't tell me what's on your mind
But I hid behind your curtain, I heard your sad song, you faithless, self-loathing kind
You sang
'Sorry I am very busy, disappointing everyone who ever loved me
Get in line, if you gave a damn about me
And if you're lucky, you'll never know
If you're lucky, you'll never know I loved you'
Fickle hearts and restless minds, vengeful souls with stones to grind
Wasteful hearts and faithless kinds ought to stick together
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140,178 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
I feel like there is a subtle shout-out to @soundofmind that maybe even you didn't realize. That's when you said "I'll swing by when I'm unsound of mind, and you're the only one I know..."
Here's a quick review for you: I'd love to see some punctuation, especially at the end. It would make things run more smoothly and it would also make the last lines feel more complete and The-End-like.
You said this is a teaser to a story you want to write someday... I think this would be a really awesome story. I'm excited for you and your dreams of the future. Don't be afraid to start!
Hey!
I really really really liked this I just think it's really well done and I'm really curious about what's going on.
Since it's a teaser I really can't say much except you did what you had to do: I'm interested.
Maybe focus on one topic? I think this is about abuse? Am I right? Abuse and pain? Also some sort of self hatred?
Honestly maybe I'm 100% wrong who knows
Hope this kind of helped
Laura
Tinybookfarie here for a review.
This was A-Dorable and breathtaking. Reading this poem made feel like I was reading something John Donne wrote (btw...he’s a poet) and I also loved the imagery and the romance in this poem. Good job!
The part that I would point out is maybe you could put periods at the end. I don’t think that you SHOULD, but I would just suggest, but I think you did wonderful and I really enjoyed this. Keep writing!!!!!!
~tinybookfarie