Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.
The sound of sirens and explosions caused her to open her eyes, and crawl out of her bed to the window of her room, only to see fire beyond the trees, engulfing the town. She knelt on the ground and cupped her hands, praying for the people who suffered and their recovery.
"Vitia!" The mother barged in, her face wraught with worry, "Get inside the bunker! We might get hit by the aeroplanes!"
Her mother escorted the daughter into the bunker just outside their home and shut the thick metal door as soon as they entered.
"The town is burning, momma! We've got to help them!"
"My little girl, we cannot. If we go into the town, we might be one of those burning as well."
As the mother tried to console Vitia, she rubbed her hands together and chanted "Ager". A small fire appeared as it radiated heat on the palm of her hand and led it to an oil lantern in the corner of the bunker.
"I think that will keep the room lit for at least eight hours." said the mother as she sat down beside her daughter.
"Momma, can you teach me that?"
"Teach you what, my darling?"
"That fire thingy. I want to learn it so I can help you with lighting the lamp!"
The mother laughed before embracing her daughter, giving her a kiss on the forehead, "My sweet Vitia, after the war is over, I'll make sure you learn that 'fire thingy' and a whole lot more."
"You know more?"
"Yes, why this other day, I-"
A rumble from above interrupted her train of thought and both their hearts raced, hoping that it did not go off near their home.
"Momma I'm scared…" Vitia buried her face inside her mother's embrace.
"Don't worry, my darling. This war will be over soon." said the mother, hugging her daughter tight as explosions became louder and more frequent.
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140,075 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
Wow! You get right to the action. Wonderful job! I also want to point out that you did a good job with introducing the magic right away. A lot of fantasy writers fail to do that. They often introduce the fantastical element too late and confuse the reader, but right here in the prologue you give us the first fantastical element to ensure that we as readers are aware that there's magic in it. At the same time, though, the war going on outside gives a suggestion of realistic life. Good combination!
I do want to say that the phrase "the mother" is a little strange...Maybe mention that it's Vitia's mother? I feel like that might be a little more natural.
Overall, good job!
-Kaia
goddamn I'm hooked and can't wait for the next chapter. you've done well, the action and the sheer terror in this scene are masterful. It's good that the view of magic is new somewhat and really adds a bit of spice to your world, also I heard aeroplanes would this happen to be steampunk? cant wait to see how vita does.
Love it, the action, the fear, its clever.
Really grabs you into the story, I'm excited for the next Chapter.
A child's grasp of understanding magic is rather interesting, I think it's often overlooked, unless you are talking about Full Metal Alchemist.
So I'll be intrigued to see the young Vitia learn 'the fire thingy' along with a few other spells.
I'd be interested to know if Vitia knew dad wasn't around and if so why he wasn't around.
I'm sure you have your own plot and want to stick with it, so please do, I'm just going through questions going on in my mind.
Ohoho, thank you so much for the review! For rightly guessing one of the inspirations for this story (FMA), I shall tell you that this whole story is based off of anime tropes! I hope you find the next chapters to be of your liking! Thank you again! <3 <3 <3
I'm hoping that means you have a Hard magic system, I'm writing up a Hard Magic system for a Book Im writing except it's not really magic, its technology they believe is magic. I'm calling it Lord of the Engles.
You may find some FMA references in my current book I'm realeasing. It is a great inspiration
I'll take a read when you release it! I can't wait for it! <3
Hi, it's Jade! I'm here to do the review you requested. The name sounds interesting, so let's just get right to it!
Well to get started, this line feels forced:
"Get inside the bunker! We might get hit by the aeroplanes!"
Personally, though you may be different, people aren't so articulate when they're in such a fear, even if they're used to it. A barked "Get to the bunker," would tell more about this lady's mood, personality and better how she handles stress, as you mentioned she was worried.
The flow is great, and I had to re-read nothing. The dialogue feels somewhat forced, but the actions are smooth. The plot is intriguing and I want to know more!
One tip is don't use said. The two times you used dialogue tags, they could have been more informative! Keep that in mind, especially in such tense situations.
The concept is reminiscent of Cold War times, but judging by the oil lap, it's probably before. If this isn't a high fantasy story, maybe give more sense of time.
That's all I have now, and I can't wait to read and review the rest!
Jade
Just off this I'm interested! I just watched The Saga of Tanya the Evil and it also is a fantasy world set during a world war, worth the watch!
But the only concern of mine is that the mother doesn't quite transition from worried about being bombed to being a well-mannered mother back to being worried as smoothly as it could be. Is this a common and the mother is jaded enough to console her child or is she putting up a façade to convince them both they'll be safe?
I'm sure once I read more I'll connect more dots! Such as why the daughter immediately started to pray for the town instead of being worried about her own well being (I'll chalk that up to character development at the moment).
I used to write a lot like yourself and it took me back, dialogue heavy is my favorite way to write but I'm trying to expound my avenues of story telling.
Peace and blessings!
-J.T.
Omg I'm so sorry! I saw the other one first and just saw this now. Huhuhu! But yes, my story will be heavily based off of two animes: one is definitely Tanya! I'm glad that that came to mind when you read this prologue! I hope the latest chapter will be much to your liking once I post it!
The mother is convincing both of them theyll be safe and the daughter... You'll see soon! I'm loving your reviews! Thank you so much! Orz
Hello! Queenofscience here with a reveiw.
How interusting! The discripton that you wroat for it, as well as that it was fanasty was intreaging to me. I wondered how the fantastic parts would play a role as I read.
As I read Iit made me think of a WW1 or WW2 movie--but with a fantastic twist! Is the war between powered and non-powered people? This is just a though. Or, is it just a 'normal' war? I hope the reason is somthing different. I just feel like wars between fanasty races are overdone. Just a though. I just feel like war is such a common theam. That's all. I'd like to see somthing original or maby somthing focused on helping a species etc. Sorry, just trying to give suggustions. I'm not being offencive, I promss.
I was confused a bit when the girl's mother showed her powers. Did she lit the lamp with the fire? Or did the lamp already have fire in it?
All in all, this was all quiet interusting. Keep writing. If you post any more, you can tag me.
Thank you for the review!
Yes, it is set in a world War-ish setting and no, it's not the diverse races type of fantasy, sadly. I've already written the first chapter and you can look it up on my portfolio!
As for the lamp, the mother lit the lamp with the fire, yes.
Thank you for enjoying the prologue! I hope you enjoy the first chapter as well!
Wonderfull, I will have to read your first chapter.
Hello Shallow! I’m here for a quick review!
I just want to let you know that I don’t mean any offence by anything I say. I really just want to help other writers improve! (With what little stuff I know!) 
As I see that you are new here, I know I haven’t reviewed anything of yours!
So review time!
The biggest thing I noticed (which can be fixed pretty easily) is that some sentences run on. A long sentence is hard to read. They are pretty easy to fix by just cutting them off and starting another. There were too many of them but enough for me to notice! Just to show you one, it is the first one. Just seemed a bit long.
Other then that tho, I didn’t see anything! It’s a very well done piece of work and shows a lot of plot and promise! I really like how from the beginning you showed me what age you are writing in and that there is magic. It’s definitely a bonus to know how to imagine the world. You did it in a very smooth way as well. I didn’t feel like it was forced so that’s awesome too.
Overall, it is a very well written piece. Some things to look out for but hey, we all have those! I look forward to reading more so keep up the good work!!
Your friend,
Honora
Thank you so much! I was honestly wondering whether long sentences are a good thing but you gave me a new perspective on them! I'll be more mindful of long sentences next time!