VALOR - Chapter 3 - You Call This A Gym?

by ShallowHouse

Published April 25, 2020

12+

In Valor

Second period was located in the gym and everyone was wearing sports attire: white shirts and black and gold jogging pants.

Isenna had just finished changing when she saw Yvie in her sports uniform, showcasing the large chest she was carrying. She looked down to look at her own and saw that she had no chance against her for what is a valley to a mountain?

A gloomy Isenna walked alongside the stone-faced Yvie out of the dressing room, and into the gym. Whoever called it a gym understated it by a large margin: a large, circular stage in the middle of a 360 square-feet field with an open roof. Just around the stage is a field track and beyond that are the bleachers bordering the entirety of the gym- no, coliseum.

Waiting on the track field was a gigantic mustached, balding blond man with veiny muscles and chest hair that seemed to protrude out from the seams of his shirt.

"Hello, children," said the man whose muscles could tear his own shirt into pieces if he flexed it too much. He spoke with a gentle, low vibrato tone. "I am Coach Wilfred Warshen. Welcome to the Highward Academy Gym and Training Grounds or HAGATRAG for short.".

The entire class. Was silent.

"Hagatrag? That sounds ab-so-lute-ly stup-" one of the boys of Class 4 muttered and found himself unable to say the last word. He grasped at his throat, and tried to shout but nothing happened. They looked at the Coach who had his hands clasped together.

"Listen here, youngster." The coach's kind eyes were replaced with a dark and sinister aura and started to speak slowly and with a growl, "I do not take kindly to those that desecrate or insult these sacred halls of mine. So if the moment that I take my hands off each other and you dare insult this place again… You will bear the consequences of your actions. Do you understand me?"

After seeing a panicked nod from the student, Coach Wilfred's expression turned back into a man that screamed "EXERCISE!" even without speaking. The student on the other hand cowered to the back of the class.

"Now, as your first act under my tutelage, you will…" the coach did a spin then struck pose, "RUN FIFTEEN LAPS AROUND THE TRACK!"

He could hear the sounds of complaint from some of the boys and most of the girls.

A few veins surfaced on his head as he stifled his irritation and conjured a smile.

"Boys and girls… if you don't run right now…" he took out a rock from his pocket and crushed it into fine dust, "I'll make sure you can't even walk ever again."

Without a minute to lose, the whole Class 4 started to run around the track as if their very lives depended on it.

"I can't… Take this… Anymore…" Isenna collapsed in the middle of her fourth lap. Her forehead was drenched and her feet ached. She can even feel her kidneys sucked dry. She looked up to see who was still running and saw Yvie, who didn't seem to even work up a sweat.

As the sun shone over the open roof and its heat sapped them of all of their stamina, Coach Warshen stood before the fallen students.

"If you were in the battlefield you'd have died in a minute. Maybe even less."

"Sir…" Isenna struggled to raise her hand but managed to do so nonetheless. "Does magic need stamina to be used?"

"Magic?" Coach Warshen's laugh boomed all over the mostly empty coliseum. "Magic has nothing to do with your stamina, young lady."

"But why do we need i-"

Warshen shushed the prospective girl, "Consider you're sent to the battlefield and you are on the march. Do you think your fellow soldiers will stop for you when you're tired? And once you meet the enemy, how will you be able to beat them without energy? Moving drains stamina. Even the simple raise of the hand, once you're tired, is a pain to do."

"So this is all because of us being too-"

"Weak, yes."] All the fallen students rolled their eyes. "But even the weak can become strong. And that is what this academy is for! To make weak little babies like you into strong and sturdy Arisian soldiers!"

The Coach did a pose that belonged in a poster and would have made a fellow patriot proud. Unfortunately, these patriots in front of him have been sapped of any energy even to shed a single tear for the motherland. With a snort, he inhaled cool air into his mouth and chanted, "Aero!"

A chill breeze blew past the tired students and around the track, reinvigorating even those still running. "Now go and carry on. I want to see you all finish the fifteen laps. Only then can you sit on your butt and be proud of your achievement."

Every single student finally crossed the fifteenth lap with Yvie finishing first who seemed no worse for wear. Even those least capable, while they finished last, finished nonetheless. It seemed that the wind magic the coach used did more than just reinvigorate their vitality. After everyone finished their laps, they finally got to rest on their feet or on the ground.

A smile emerged from Coach, happy that every single one of his students finished the fifteen laps. One student- no, three students caught his eye: it was the dark-haired young lady, Isenna Sarensen, the first placer Yvie Schrad and the brooding young man near the stage: Lothe Wercht.

He called the three to him and dismissed the rest to spend the rest of their day however they want.

"The three of you…" he showed a serious expression, "I have something to ask…"

Isenna and Yvie looked at each other. Lothe furrowed his brow.

"Are you…" he stood there… menacingly… "Interested in a sponsorship?"

He flexed his chest and arms and legs. Now, Coach Warshen was a very muscular man. His clothes were custom fit and perfect for showing off his toned chest and pecks. But the moment he flexed in front of the three, his clothes, with the exception of his underwear, exploded into smithereens, revealing a shining build of pure, lean muscle.

Lothe was blinded by the shining pose of the Coach. Curious about the reactions of his two classmates, he glared to his side and found the both of them wearing sunglasses. The dark-haired girl had her mouth open from awe at the glorious body and the icy girl was unmoved by such a display. 'Where did they get those sunglasses?' he thought to himself but the moment had passed after five seconds when the coach stopped flexing.

Isenna returned Yvie her extra pair of sunglasses and raised her hand. "Sir, what do you mean by sponsorship?"

The Coach chuckled at this sudden question. "Young lady, a sponsorship sounds like what it means- someone to guide you to a certain path. It's something every student must have in their second year in this academy and only professors and staff can become sponsors. Let me tell you that in Class 1, they have already gotten their sponsors. ."

"Do we get to choose our sponsors?"

"Yes and no. You see…" he sat down on the stage which was 4 feet above the ground, "To put it in a way, yes. Choosing a sponsor is possible. But it's better if they choose you- you see, when a professor chooses you, it's because they see potential in you and they will do their utmost best to nurture your potential."

"And if you chose the sponsor?"

"They'll treat you as any student, they'll try to tend to your needs but for the most part, they'll leave you to your own devices and you wouldn't want that. What you'll want is the chance to embrace your element- your affinity!"

"And what's your affinity?" asked Lothe, who was quiet until now, his voice was dry and husky.

"My affinity is Wind!"

"So you're going to just teach us wind?"

"Not exactly. I can teach you the basics of each element and even more! But yes, I can teach you a lot more about wind magic if you're into that."

"I'm interested in learning wind magic," Yvie raised her hand, "As well as water magic."

"Wind and water?" Geare inside the Coach's head started to turn until a second after, it made a ding! "Young lady, what's your last name again?" 

Comments & reviews · 5
User avatar
Honora
Review
Honora wrote a review Review · Apr 28, 2020

Hey again! I’m back for a quick review!

I didn’t catch too many thing with this one either. The only thing is that from the previous chapters, this one seemed a bit rushed. My brain was constantly jumping to a completely new idea and so many times in one chapter. I think this could have been fixed either by 1) spreading it through more chapters (not likely) and 2) just adding a bit of description in between each idea. It doesn’t have to be paragraphs and paragraphs in between but just a little something to better prepare your reader. ;)

Oh and just for a couple of paragraphs, you switched the POV again. ;)

I’ve seen a lot of improvement even from the first chapter to this one. It’s really impressing actually. I don’t think I would have caught on to all the advice that quickly. It’s one of my favourite things to watch...the improvement of a writer! :D :D

This coach is....interesting. Seems a little too confident in his own body I think XD but I really do love wind and water so I’m oddly hoping to see more of him. As weird as he may be. :-P

I am really curious about Yvie as well. She’s obviously an important character and I really wonder what role she will take on in the story. I’m already loving how Isenna Is constantly comparing herself to her. It takes it to a more realistic idea of how they are going to be.

Anyways, that’s all I have for you today!! Keep up the good work!

Your friend,
Honora

*gasp* thank you! Yes, I keep having that problem of taking the reader through many places without letting them breathe. Im still fixing that and will continue to improve on that! And thank you for saying that there's a lot of improvement! I really want this story to be good and the advice you and the others give me are super helpful!

The Coach is definitely an odd person and I'll take note of that! So far, people have been liking the Coach (I think?) and that makes me happy!

And Yvie.. I really don't know what to do with her. I'm gardening it all and maybe I'll just let it all loose!

Thank you again, Honora! Your reviews are always awesome! <3

User avatar
JenTep
Review
JenTep wrote a review Review · Apr 27, 2020

I got a kick out of this one, I relate to the coach, I teach kids and instead of running I make them do jumping jacks. You can walk a lap, slow jumping jacks still suck! There's a lot going on in this chapter and the previous ones that makes it feel like rapid fire. I don't get the chance to really simmer in the moment because something else is going on. You don't have to make it incredibly detailed but let the moment have more presence. Which might sound vague but it's one of those things that might be good to look for when you read in your own time.

Thank you for the review! Yes, thank you for pointing out the advice i always give but never seemed to follow myself! I'll do my best to improve on taking in the moment! <3

User avatar
Lib
Review
Lib wrote a review Review · Apr 26, 2020

Hello there Shallow!

Hope you're doing well today or tonight. I'm here to drop off a review for you. Let's get started, now, shall we? Alright! :)

(I'll review as I read, 'kay? And I apologize in advance if I sound like something doesn't make sense - I haven't read the earlier chapters, only the prologue.)

The entire class. Was silent.

This bit being in two different sentences doesn't exactly seem right. Maybe just have it as The entire class was silent.

He grasped at his throat, and tried to shout but nothing happened. They looked at the Coach who had his hands clasped together.

!! That's super interesting! A magical academy. Cool cool! 8)

"RUN FIFTEEN LAPS AROUND THE TRACK!"

I think I just got a side stitch lol

She can even feel her kidneys sucked dry.

*could - It's just that you confused present tense with past tense.

Ohh, so this is an academy to train soldiers. Okay. Even more interesting.

Oh my lord did a teacher actually just do that? xD I'm dying lol!!

Geare inside the Coach's head started to turn until a second after, it made a ding! "Young lady, what's your last name again?"

*Gears - also, if Coach asked such a question, then I'm assuming that Yvie is definitely a very important person. And our MC (who I'm assuming is Isenna) is friends with an supposedly important person?

Well, this is a very well done chapter! The magic system is really neat - I love it. I hope this review helped in some way. If you have any questions, feel free to ask me whenever!

And as always...

Keep on writing and Happy Review Day!

~Liberty

Image

Thank you so much for the review! Yes, your review helped! I still have much to learn and I take note of everything I can do to improve! Thank you!

User avatar
Anamel
Review
Anamel wrote a review Review · Apr 26, 2020

"Second period was located in the gym and everyone was wearing sports attire: white shirts and black and gold jogging pants."
There's really nothing wrong with this sentence in terms of format although the second half does seem to be hanging off of the first bit. You could include what their uniforms look like later when they're changing so it seems more of a casual mention.

"A gloomy Isenna walked alongside the stone-faced Yvie out of the dressing room, and into the gym."
The comma isn't necessary here.

"Whoever called it a gym understated it by a large margin: a large, circular stage in the middle of a 360 square-feet field with an open roof."
You use this : again, which is often used for listing things rather than describing so I suggest to only use it once throughout this chapter or substitute it for something else.

"HAGATRAG for short."."
Just a mistype here, extra random period.

"The entire class. Was silent."
The separation of sentences here sounds strange and I know it's for emphasis but I think it would sound better together.

"ooked at the Coach who had his hands clasped together."
I can understand that he's being choked, but saying that his hands are clasped together without mentioning them being around the boy's neck just leaves the description dangling.

"and started to speak slowly and with a growl"
*and he started

" The student on the other hand cowered to the back of the class."
What do you mean here by on the other hand?

""Now, as your first act under my tutelage, you will…" the coach did a spin then struck pose, "RUN FIFTEEN LAPS AROUND THE TRACK!""
This reminds me of an exaggerated anime scene lol

", "I'll make sure you can't even walk ever again.""
leave out the even, it'll sound better

" She can even feel her kidneys sucked dry."
*could, also this sounds a bit weird because you can't feel your kidneys, maybe lungs would be more suitable

"eak, yes."]
take out this ]

"the fifteenth lap with Yvie finishing first who seemed no worse f"
comma after 'first'

"e: it was the dark-haired young lady, Isenna Sarensen,"
I wonder why he's interested in her since it appears like she's weak or lazy

". The dark-haired girl had her mouth open from awe at the glorious body and the icy girl was unmoved by such a display."
So far these characters seem a bit one-dimensiona: Yvie is hardworking, stone-faced, doesn't show any emotion really or lack of strength, Isenna appears to be whiny and compares herself towards others and lazy, and this new guy appears emo and 'mysterious' and standoffish. But since this is only chapter three that can still be worked on and developed.

Thank you for the review! I'm very happy for the extensive review and for pointing out my characters' dimensionalities! I guess taking anime roots has its own downsides!

User avatar
Icon
Review
Icon wrote a review Review · Apr 26, 2020

This chapter was great! Nice to know that our girl Yvie is thicc TM. All of the characters have very distinct personalities, and I find myself getting more and more invested in their stories! These chapters keep getting better, and Coach will haunt my dreams forever. Not to mention the magic system, which is awesome, and more original than anything I could ever come up with. My only real issue is how you described Yvie's figure. For a second I though you meant she was carrying a chest separate to her own. I get that it's hard to figure out how to describe things like that, but keeping it strait forward is the best way to go. If ever you need to write something similar in the future, I'd suggest something along these lines; "Isenna had just finished changing when she saw Yvie in her sports uniform, showcasing her large chest. She couldn't help but feel self-conscious about her own, for what is a valley to a mountain?" (I liked the mountain analogy. It was a classy way of saying 'oof Isenna's flat and Yvie's thicc.') Basically, I loved this chapter, and I'm still loving this magic universe.

I SPAT OUT MY ASPIRIN WHEN I READ THAT COACH WILL HAUNT YOUR DREAMS! I'm very sorry for scaring you with coach and I'm glad you're enjoying the story and thank you for the review! I'll try not to make my descriptive sentences as confusing as "carrying large chests". But while it was confusing, it was kind of deliberate- experimental, even! Where you're confused by what you read and then got to "what is a valley to a mountain" and you went back to read it again and went like "OH SHIT SHE MADE A CHEST JOKE!"
Again, sorry for the confusion and THANK YOU FOR THE REVIEW! <3

I SPAT OUT MY ASPIRIN WHEN I READ THAT COACH WILL HAUNT YOUR DREAMS! I'm very sorry for scaring you with coach and I'm glad you're enjoying the story and thank you for the review! I'll try not to make my descriptive sentences as confusing as "carrying large chests". But while it was confusing, it was kind of deliberate- experimental, even! Where you're confused by what you read and then got to "what is a valley to a mountain" and you went back to read it again and went like "OH SHIT SHE MADE A CHEST JOKE!"
Again, sorry for the confusion and THANK YOU FOR THE REVIEW! <3

Icon replied · Apr 26, 2020

No problem! And as a female human with larger than average "mountains" I thoroughly envy Yvie's ability to run because that ish is hard when you're a w0mAn. I'm glad to hear it was a bit of an experiment, and there's no need to apologize, I think it was pretty great lol

In regards to mountains and valleys... I'm afraid I'm a little above Isenna so I don't know how hard it is to have mountains HAHAHAHAHAHA! And thank you again!



The ink in which our lives are inscribed is indelible.
— Helena 'HG' Wells, Warehouse 13