VALOR - Chapter 1 - Highmark Academy

by ShallowHouse

Published April 22, 2020

12+

In Valor

JOIN NOW! ARISIA NEEDS YOU

She stood proud as she read that poster depicting soldiers saluting the flag of Arisia, as proud as any aspiring Arisian would, her name is Isenna Sarensen and she was on her way to Highmark Academy in order to become an esteemed Agerlass or Fire Lady.

Passing by students of the school, she saw the magnificent sight of Federick Highmark on Horseback: a statue of the titular hero on a horse, leading the charge against Arisia's enemies.

"Oh my…" Isenna was in awe, using her hand to cover her mouth.

"Welcome to Highmark Academy!" a playful male voice reached her ears, "Are you new here?"

She looked towards the speaker and saw a grinning blond boy, roughly the same age as her. He looked at her with curious, excited eyes. Examining his appearance, his brown uniform was the same as hers except it was much neater as if it was ironed before worn, a luxury only the middle or high-class citizen of Arisia can afford.

"O-oh, um, yes!" she rubbed her hands on her uniform and timidly reached out her hand for a handshake "My name is Isenna. Isenna Sarensen."

"Nice to meet you!" the boy shook her hand with energy and vigor, "I'm Toren! Toren Havenach! I'm also new here! Well… new as in I'm also a first year but I know this school inside and out!"

If it weren't for him being human, he would have grown a large, pointy nose. However, Isenna Sarensen felt like she had found a new friend in the Academy and as such, did not notice how he gloated about his self-confidence.

"Woah, that's great! So where are the others?"

"They're in the Great Hall. Come on, let's go!" Toren grabbed her wrist and dragged her towards the Academy.

Leading her through the large doors, they were met with numerous students standing in the middle of the Great Hall, their uniforms were the same as the both of them. Although struggling because of her slightly less than average height, Isenna can see the end of the Great Hall: a grand staircase leading up to the second floor of the school with a balcony fit for one person above it and as such, there is a stern looking man standing upon it, bearing a dark bluish uniform that matches his hair. On his left breast were medals of different kinds and it seems that he had just started to talk.

"Welcome, cadets." His commanding voice was, despite the size and capacity of the Great Hall, can be heard clearly from all the way back to the vicinity of Isenna. "I am your Headmaster, Hernen Rosenberg and welcome to Highmark Academy where your efforts, under our guidance, shall pierce the sky and towards the stars. Some of you have been selected because of your background, some because of your parents' wealth and some…"

He scanned the room and Isenna felt that his gaze stopped at her for a second, which gave her chills.

"Some of you are just plain lucky. But don't fret. Whether you are actually worthy of graduating Highmark Academy or not… Is all up to you." The Headmaster rubbed his thumb against the edge of his sleeve in a swift manner, "Kuum!"

The students heard a loud boom and saw a torrent of lightning flowing in and between his hands. After seeing the amazed expressions that the new students were exhibiting across their faces, Headmaster Rosenberg released the lightning on the entrance doors and it glowed white, brimming with electrifying magic that faded almost immediately.

"Your classes start in ten minutes. Don't be late." said the Headmaster as he turned around and walked, leaving the new students to their own devices, under the supervision of the school faculty.

"Did you see that?" Toren bounced along beside Isenna, "The Headmaster is a Kuumun! A step above Kuumlad! Isn't that great?"

"I guess?" Isenna shrugged, "I'm more concerned with getting to class which is where exactly?"

"Class? That's easy!" the boy patted her head and dragged her to the west wall of the Great Hall, nudging people out of the way and saying their sorries until they reached the bulletin board.

"Let's see… I'm in Class 1, yes!" Toren did a fist pump and proceeded to help Isenna look for hers. "Okay, you're in… Class 4? I guess that's fine."

"Why are you less enthusiastic about that?"

"Well…" the boy scratched his head, "The thing is that the higher your number, the less… gifted you are… Class 1 is usually the best of the best, the ones with the most talent and 4 is…" he tapped the tips of his fingers as his shoulders drooped, "Below average…"

"WHAT?!" Isenna's brown ponytail stood as she was shocked by the news. "T-this-this must be a mistake-they said I had-"

"Lots of potential and they would love to invite you to Highmark Academy in order to nurture your talents and unleash your potential for the good of Arisia?"

"...You said what they said word for word." Isenna stood there wide-eyed in shock and disbelief, processing the high possibility that she had basically been conned by her interviewers." BUT WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT?!"

Toren gasped as he watched the girl he only just met squat down with her face in her hands. Her sudden scream drew the attention of the other students who were panicking about where to go and what to do.

"Isenna, I-"

"Look! It's the Student List!" one of them shouted out and they flocked to the wall like insects to a light source.

The sulking Isenna, oblivious to the crowd, was shoved by the legs of her fellow students. Unable to move much, she became trapped and her face kept getting kneed or shoved. "Ouch!" "Ow!" "Please!" she kept repeating those three words as she struggled to stand up and escape the crowd and yet her words fell on deaf ears. They did not notice her as they focused only on their own business and she could only cry and ask herself how her day could only get worse.

"...Senna!"

'Toren?' she heard his voice beyond the crowd and suddenly, there he was: shoving away all the other students to get to her. She reached her hand out to him and he pulled her away from the forest of stomping legs.

"Um.. Thanks…" said Isenna as she stared at the ground.

"Hey it's fine." he patted her on the back and she stiffened up by the force he put into his hand.

"That hurts…" Muttering to herself whilst trying to reach the part on her back that hurt, "Did you see the room where I'm supposed to be in?"

"Yeah, you're just beside our classroom!" He took her hand again and dragged her to the west hall where some other students were already walking by and going to their respective rooms. They finally stopped at West 112 and 113 with Toren giddily dancing in place out of excitement for his first day in the Academy. "Aren't you excited too?"

He turned his head to where Isenna stood and found no one there. Instead, he heard a door open and found a still-dejected Isenna entering her classroom.

"Hey…" he stood by the door and saw the mess that is West 113. "What's with this place? It's all…"

Messed up is what he wanted to say; The wooden chairs were charred and riddled with holes, the blackboard looked like someone had punched a hole in the middle of it in a fit of rage. The walls were covered in spiderwebs and housed an actual spider as large as a fat rat. It was definitely a room that had seen better days.

"If you want…" Torin tried to cheer her up, "I could squeeze you in the room. I'm sure they'll-"

"No, no it's fine. I'm just… Super excited too, you know?"

It was obvious that she tried to be optimistic despite knowing her class, the status of the room, which, even after wiping the chair with the least holes, sitting on it and screaming after finding out there was an unidentified mold under her desk. Even after her chair started to bend after her flinching from said mold- she was still, as she said, "Super excited".

"...Okay. I'll be in the other room." Toren walked across the room and gave her what looked like a small button. "If you need anything, just press this button and I'll come running to you, okay?"

"Why are you so nice to me?"

"Because we're friends!" Toren pumped his chest proudly then made a thumbs up sign with a smug face.

"Pfft-" Isenna bursted into laughter. Everything up to this point felt so unfair and surreal to her, she was having a hysterical moment.

Toren didn't know this and thus, he felt like he was being made fun of. "What did I do?"

"Nothing, nothing." Isenna waved her hand. "It's just that… thanks. For being my friend."

Isenna gave Toren the most genuine of smiles. Just a harmless smile, devoid of anything but gratefulness. But to Toren, it was as if a dark-haired, brown-eyed angel descended from the heavens to reward him with the purest treasure he could ever imagine: a memory of paradise.

He coughed hoarsely as his ears turned red, "I'll be going to class now. You take care, okay?"

"Okay!" she waved at him as he went to the adjacent room.

As soon as he left, the bell rang and students with dire expressions came flooding in the rooms. 

Comments & reviews · 7
User avatar
foxmaster
Review
foxmaster wrote a review Review · Feb 10, 2023

Hello! I am here to review.
"She stood proud as she read that poster depicting soldiers saluting the flag of Arisia, as proud as any aspiring Arisian would, her name is Isenna Sarensen and she was on her way to Highmark Academy in order to become an esteemed Agerlass or Fire Lady."
That is an interesting beginning here. However, when you wrote
"Her name is Isenna Sarensen"
You can simply write:
"Her name Isenna Sarensen"
because that kind of messes up the past-tense in the chapter.
"She looked towards the speaker and saw a grinning blond boy, roughly the same age as her. He looked at her with curious, excited eyes. Examining his appearance, his brown uniform was the same as hers except it was much neater as if it was ironed before worn, a luxury only the middle or high-class citizen of Arisia can afford."
Toren sounds excited-like and playful; I like him right away. (he sounds like one of my friends.)
"The sulking Isenna, oblivious to the crowd, was shoved by the legs of her fellow students. Unable to move much, she became trapped and her face kept getting kneed or shoved. 'Ouch!' 'Ow!' 'Please!' she kept repeating those three words as she struggled to stand up and escape the crowd and yet her words fell on deaf ears. They did not notice her as they focused only on their own business and she could only cry and ask herself how her day could only get worse."
Aww, poor Isenna, she sounds so shy, and having everyone ignore her? (that was a rhetorical question)
"Messed up is what he wanted to say; The wooden chairs were charred and riddled with holes, the blackboard looked like someone had punched a hole in the middle of it in a fit of rage. The walls were covered in spiderwebs and housed an actual spider as large as a fat rat. It was definitely a room that had seen better days."
Yikes.
OVERALL: I was impressed with this chapter. The characters were so well built! If I overlooked anything, please let me know. Also, if you could Read&Review my work, (Wetfire, and the school for magical spies) that would be great! Thanks! :)
-Foxmaster

Heyo, Foxmaster!

Thanks for reviewing this old story of mine! Haven't actually done much with it, but I'm glad you liked it! And yes, I'll read and review your work! Tit for tat, and reading others' works can jog that creative juices!

User avatar
JenTep
Comment
JenTep commented Comment · Apr 26, 2020

The one major set of feedback for this part is the tonal switch. The prelude should set the tone for what's to come, if you're trying to be orthodox. Despite the similarities, the prelude and first chapter could be completely different stories and I am more interested in the world of the prelude. That isn't at the fault of the story, it's the fact the prelude gave me the expectation that chapter one would be an expansion on it. I still have a lot of questions from the prelude.

I saw you mention you were inspired by anime and their tropes in other comments, nothing wrong with that, I just wanted to say you did it successfully. Looking forward to where everything goes!

Anything else I have to say is purely my personal opinion and I can tell you that if this chapter sets up the rest of the chapters, I'm not the demographic so I'll keep it short.

-I don't like Toren development. He doesn't have any obvious motivation to do what he did and I don't like immediate attraction between characters.

-The condition of a classroom being that dilapidated seems unlikely if it's as prestigious as it comes off as. Also the designation of a lower-level class would be something discovered sooner, it could be a strong motivator to be better than the other classes.

I ask "Why is it like this?" a lot when I'm reading and writing, hope it's not too much.

I low key hope Isenna becomes a villain protagonist but that's what I hope for all my protagonists. Keep it up though, write your story for you! We're all secondary!

Peace and blessings,
-J.T.

User avatar
JenTep
Review
JenTep wrote a review Review · Apr 26, 2020

The one major set of feedback for this part is the tonal switch. The prelude should set the tone for what's to come, if you're trying to be orthodox. Despite the similarities, the prelude and first chapter could be completely different stories and I am more interested in the world of the prelude. That isn't at the fault of the story, it's the fact the prelude gave me the expectation that chapter one would be an expansion on it. I still have a lot of questions from the prelude.

I saw you mention you were inspired by anime and their tropes in other comments, nothing wrong with that, I just wanted to say you did it successfully. Looking forward to where everything goes!

Anything else I have to say is purely my personal opinion and I can tell you that if this chapter sets up the rest of the chapters, I'm not the demographic so I'll keep it short.

-I don't like Toren development. He doesn't have any obvious motivation to do what he did and I don't like immediate attraction between characters.

-The condition of a classroom being that dilapidated seems unlikely if it's as prestigious as it comes off as. Also the designation of a lower-level class would be something discovered sooner, it could be a strong motivator to be better than the other classes.

I ask "Why is it like this?" a lot when I'm reading and writing, hope it's not too much.

I low key hope Isenna becomes a villain protagonist but that's what I hope for all my protagonists. Keep it up though, write your story for you! We're all secondary!

Peace and blessings,
-J.T.

Hi! Yes I'm glad that you like the prologue! I'm planning on making it a bit more dark and grim like the prologue in some chapters in the future!
As for what you have to say about Toren... I agree that he didn't make the best entrance out of the characters so far and how I handled him in this chapter which is why I took him out of the future chapters indefinitely until I know how to portray him!
Yes, I could have done the classroom description a bit better since, you're right it is a prestigious academy and they wouldn't want to have their reputation go down by neglecting even the lowest class.
As for your last paragraph... EEP! NO I CAN'T GIVE OUT SPOILERS!

Thank you so much for the review! I'm always looking for ways to improve my grammar and my techniques! Thank you!!! <3 <3 <3

User avatar
Honora
Review
Honora wrote a review Review · Apr 24, 2020

Hello Shallow! Just popping in for a quick review! :D

So, my main concerns are:

1) Some of your sentences are very long. The first one for example, is a whole paragraph. Try not to have them so long or it can break up a nicely flowing story. Like this one. ;)

2) There are some parts where the wording is a bit confusing because you switch from past tense to present tense. I am very guilty of this mistake and I hate it a lot but we could both work on it! It’s just something to watch out for.

3) In the beginning of this chapter, we are going from her POV and then the last few paragraphs, you switch it to his. This could be the way you want it but it has a very narrated feel to it. Another thing that gives me this impression, is the very beginning when you introduce us to her name. Instead of giving it to us right then and there, it could have waited until she introduced herself to Toren. That way it would feel more natural. Also, this could be my own personal opinion but, maybe if you didn’t use her full name when she isn’t talking, it could get rid of that feel as well.

And that’s all I have to nitpick! Sorry, I feel like that was a bit long :)

Alright, I honestly really like where this is going. I like the feel of it. I like the flow of it. And I really like. It gives me a very steampunk feel, as some of your reviewers below pointed out. If you’ve ever read Etiquette and Espionage, that’s exactly what I feel like reading this. I loved that book just so you know ;)

I am really enjoying this world you’re building. It pure awesome so please, please, please keep up the good work!

Your friend,
Honora

P.S. sorry this took so long to review. I didn’t see that you wrote more :)

OMG! Thank you so so soooooo much for the feedback! Yes I'll do my best to improve upon your advice, the verb tenses especially!

I'm really glad you're enjoying my story and don't worry! I'll keep working on this because this is like... One of my stories when I was a kid and I've only just started to write about it!

Thank you again, thank you! <3 <3 <3

P. S. To your P. S. There's a chapter 2 in the green room! :3

Honora replied · Apr 24, 2020

No problem! :D it is really good for a first story! 0_o

I saw that and I will give it a read tonight!

queenofscience wrote a review Review · Apr 24, 2020

This is exciting. So far, I really like your world. Your world is making me think of the gerna steampunk. It also makes me think of the world of The Golden Compass. As in, it's set in the early 1900's and has an elament of fanasty. What are they going to learn at the acadmy? Is it to use their powers?

Keep on writing. This is all becoming interesting. Let me know when you have more chapters.

Thank you, thank you, thank you! Yes it is kind of steampunk-ish. I took some ideas from certain animes so it's got lots of anime tropes... As for what they'll learn... I'll get right to writing! Much love! <3 <3 <3

User avatar
shayspeare
Review
shayspeare wrote a review Review · Apr 22, 2020

This was a good chapter. You have much potential I will say. However, there are a few things I would like to point out. The bullying part of the scene was written slowly. I think it would be more impactful if you expanded it to sort of capture that slow-mo emotion out of the readers.

Secondly, your grammar is a little off. It's not bad. Just a few comma splices. I think proofreading this would make this shine as it already does.

Ears turned red? I didn't know ears could blush. Usually, cheeks turn red.

Other than that, the descriptions were on par. I really enjoyed seeing all of this imagery.

Good job.

- Shay

Thank you for the review! I'll totally work on those slow-mo parts and I'll make sure to make more than just three passes on the subsequent chapters. Thank you for the advice and I hope to improve above and beyond each one sent!

Also, yes: ears do turn red! Mine does every time I blush and I get called out on it a lot by my peers.

User avatar
Icon
Review
Icon wrote a review Review · Apr 22, 2020

Hey there! This story is super great, I'm excited to see where this goes :) . That said, I have a couple notes. I'll try to keep it short, though

- A lot of the sentences felt very choppy and out of place, and you had a couple run-ons. Try reading your paragraphs out loud (if you don't already) or have a friend read them to you, that'll usually help catch the little things

- some of the scenes and development felt a little rushed, notably Toren's crush on Isenna.

-there were couple moments when the perspective seemed to switch from Isenna to Toren and back again, which was a little jarring

Other than that, you've got some great characters, an interesting world, and a plot I'm already invested in! I really hope this was helpful, and I can't wait for Chapter 2

I'm very happy to know you are invested in my story, thank you so much!

I felt really embarrassed when I saw your review, scrolled back up and saw the first sentence already doing the thing! I'll be more mindful next chapters! <3

Yes, I agree that "Moment of Paradise" wasn't the best thing to say there. It felt like a corny Prequel movie script moment I am sorry.

I'll definitely work on the change in perspective! I have no idea on how to improve upon that but I'll make sure to work on it!

Icon replied · Apr 23, 2020

Don't feel embarrassed! Nobody's perfect. But I'm really glad I was able to help :) In regards to the perspective thing, just try thinking "would [character story is from the perspective of] know this information?" Like Toren's whole angel spiel. There's no way Isenna would know he was thinking that lol



In a dream you are never eighty.
— Anne Sexton