What do I do with you now?
Your cackles too loud and your shackles too loose.
Your dreams have started to leak through.
Your reserve is tempered,
and your mind malleable as a brick.
How can I escape your devotion?
Once I nearly pried you free,
and what I saw in the gap between us
was darker than the space between the stars.
You called yourself a vampire,
and drank me dry under guise of romance.
I would tell you what I want,
but nowadays you decide that too.
Maybe I’m a piece of you.
What do you do with me now?
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hi there! Just Rose here writing a review for you
I love the meaning of this poem, as though it is hard to really figure out what the meaning of this poem is.. It was a little bit difficult to read, as in finding what you were trying to say.
Also I enjoyed your amazing use of vocabulary and grammar, for it was very interesting for the words you used and sometimes it is difficult for writers in general to choose the right vocabulary they want to use to best communicate with the reader.
Another thing is in the line "Once I nearly pried you free", putting the word "once" in the front wouldn't make sense with the 2 lines following it, in my opinion of course. But then again it may just be how each reader interprets it.
This poem speaks loud, but the meaning can throw some off, including me at first. Maybe try making it a bit clearer on what message you are trying to send across?
Nevertheless it was a good poem and I enjoyed reading it, you get a like from me! Keep up the good work!!
This poem has a very clear image of a sort of parasitic relationship. You have a lot of lines which contain "I" and "you" which make it somewhat repetitive. Lines don't always have to be complete thoughts, and sometimes flow better when they're not. So you could say "once i nearly pried you free, saw in the gap between us". I like the contrast of the first and last line though as there's a gradual role change. It has a very pretty, macabre feel to it.
This is Kaos here for a review!
I see that you use a lot of questions in this poem, which I think you need to cut down on. They don't really feel necessary, or they feel like a lazy way to be able to enter straight into the imagery of the poem. Even though the use of "your" in this stanza was intentional, I felt that it hurt the poem using it so many times throughout the lines. It doesn't feel needed to repeat the same first word here. One place where I /do/ think where it benefits the poem to have repetition, is when you're talking about the same topic, but with different outcomes. Such as starting with "Melancholy" and starting each line with that, but changing the rest of the line.
I'm going to point this out now that parts of the poem feel awkward due to you using "You" or writing this to a person instead of not writing it to anyone. This makes it harder for the poem to flow if you keep using "you" and "your" all over the place, but it can still work. The imagery in this stanza is fine, though I would have liked a bit more of it. The main problem with this, is the flow. I suggest reading the poem aloud a few times, moving the commas around to see where it sounds better to your ear.
This part of the poem feels weaker than the rest, and it's a weak way to tie it all up. There's no finale, which there doesn't need to be, but ending it on a question like that feels like you gave up or left it unfinished. The themes of the poem have a hard time getting through to the reader, which was something that /seemed/ to be more of your focus, but the poem needed more clarity. Overall, I found this poem to feel kind of groggy and slow, but if you paced it out and added more to it, it would improve.
I hope this helped and have a great day!
I agree with most of what you said, but the question at the start and end were intentional, they are supposed to mirror one another to show the change through the poem. The end part is weaker in terms of language but I think it did the job of showing the character's change.
Sorry for this late reply, but I hadn't noticed the start and end questions reflecting each other at the time, my mistake, haha.
Hi Scartuina! Mage here to review your work! So let's get to it, shall we?
I love how easily this poem flows, and the word choice you used throughout it. Nothing seemed out of place when I was reading it. Also, I couldn't find any spelling mistakes or grammatical errors - which is always a bonus!
My interpretation of this poem is that the persona is in an abusive relationship with someone else. While they aren't being injuried physically, the relationship is bad for them. They can't think for themselves, and even though they understand the situation at hand, they don't break the relationship up.
This was a very interesting read. Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! Have a great day/night!