Stalk, blade, and stem rise in green unison.
Brown bark, dark and heavy clings to every trunk.
The leafy peat ground mottled by canopy filtered sunlight.
You whisper through the crisp crunch underfoot,
and through the feathered flutter overhead.
-
Bone white roses sit atop thorny thrones.
Windless woods, these leaves are still as a cadaver.
I am alone, the ghost quiet air so thick I could bite it.
Your lurid perfume permeates this place,
A stench only fit for the dark hole you fill.
-
Since we have last spoken
this forest has grown.
in the centre of it all,
draped in lichen and hugged by moss,
lies the Stone implying you.
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Canary word: Present
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Heya, Scar2D2! Casanova here for a review!
Anyway- my first thought. WHAT IS THIS ABOUT? It could be taken as a romance, or a lot of things really, but the true thing eludes me!
Anyway- to the points.
The first thing that I noticed about this poem is the capitalization, or the lack thereof. It's not a /have to/ case, but something that makes it look better and stuff.
The next thing was the use of,"centre." in the poem. Has french origin, if I recall correctly. I don't know if you meant to use this or not(I have no clue what it means) or if you simply misspelled,"center."
The next thing I noticed was that the third stanza was a bit shorter than the rest, and that kind of threw off the flow a bit. But I guess this could be used as personal preference and not an actual /have to/ thing. n
The imagery in this poem was really good- but I felt as if some words you used were to just be unique- and it kind of threw the poem off for me.
Examples: Mottled, lurid, lichen, etc.
Those words kind of made it seem unusual to me- but I'm not used to reading poetry that has them so I'm completely opinionated about that.
The overall idea and structure of this poem was good, and I hope to read more from you.
Oh, and also, WELCOME TO THE SITE NEWBIE.
That is all.
Have a great day.
Sincerely- Matthew Casanova Aaron.
I agree with this review, but I mean come on dude centre is how you spell that word if you aren't American. Also isn't unique vocabulary a good thing, the first two I understand but lichen is a type of biological growth so I don't get that one.
I googled Centre- the only thing I got was a Greek//latin origin. So I was a tad bit confused and lazy to continue- and I've never seen it spelled that way before.
As for lichen- I didn't know that.
And yeah it is a good thing- as I said that was a personal thing.
Ah well yes, if you googled centre definition it is actually the english spelling of center.
*The more you know*
Thank you!
Ahh and also I don't want to make this comment chain too long but I forgot to answer about the meaning. I wrote it about a gravestone in the forest, and there are various references to death throughout the second stanza. The real idea was to portray the inevitability of death, but more importantly how it isn't all that bad, that beauty and tranquility can continue on. It was meant to be a cheerful poem somewhat.
Oh. Thank you for the clarity!
This is Kaos here for a review!
In the second line of the poem, I think you should add a comma after heavy. Some of the lines feel like they fall short or are short because of having a line and then ending it instead of using commas or semicolons to expand on it, which I feel like that would strengthen the poem rather than having the lines be pretty singular.
The vocabulary used makes the poem rich and it makes the poem stand out rather than using blander words. In the opposite direction, I sort of felt like this poem was weak in the themes of it? Or that they could've been clarified.
Yes, there is a lot of very descriptive imagery that I love in this poem, but it feels like it doesn't have direction. Or that it doesn't know where it's going and that it's just sort of there? I say to clarify it because this poem already doesn't have much hiding or up for interpretation, so try and put the meaning of the poem more clear. The second stanza kind of started to fix up the problem I had with the first, but the third didn't take it home.
The third stanza of this poem feel kind of flat for me. It felt off compared to the others and now bare-boned of imagery due to the amount of it spread through the other two stanzas. It just felt the messiest and feels like the stanza that could be improved most. I liked how the poem was written to someone, which I rarely do, though it's debatable if it would be just as good not directed towards someone.
The punctuation of the poem also felt kind of bland as I said before, and I felt like you could've mixed it up so that it felt more polished. I don't mean for you to overdo it, it would just be a nice touch.
That's all I had to say about this poem, have a great day!
Yes this poem isn't very deep at all, I'm not really good enough for strong imagery and strong meaning. It was just sorta supposed to be about a gravestone in the forest contrasting with the life that flourished around it. I was trying to show some kind of beauty in the finality of death, maybe to cheer people up a bit, that really things aren't that bad and there is plenty of beauty left in the most mundane places.
Hello there!
I hope you're having a lovely day. The imagery in this poem is so good!! I also love the effect the last line has- that's when the whole poem fits together and works with the title. It was a bit of a shock in a good way!
I love these phrases so much!! You use alliteration very well.
I hint you might want to say "still as cadavers" here, just because there are many leaves and even though there is only one dead body (love that foreshadowing!) you might want to compare it to many.
Lurid wasn't a word I was familiar with, but upon looking it up, I don't think it quite fits. I'm not sure what you're going for- the next line says stench, so maybe something along those lines? Anyway, I think it might be good to change it.
I don't have a lot of suggestions because this is so good! I love how you hint at the grave throughout the poem, but the references aren't understood until the end. This is very clever, and I love your descriptions! Keep writing, I can't wait to see more of your poetry.
-Falco
I'm glad you liked it
Oh yes, and with lurid I was hoping for the visual effect of a lurid unnatural and unpleasant colour to be transported into smell sense, I know that was a bit of a risk and not really a very direct metaphor but it kinda works a bit, I will change it if I start to dislike it.