Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.
The Favoured One
he approaches, feathers for hair
eyes like dark pools of midnight
dancing with fury,
and an inner light,
shining like the midday sun.
tanned skin, wandering hands;
his presence echoes
in my mind and his name
is on my lips,
like a prayer,
all i can say is the favoured one.
he approaches, feathers for hair,
eyes like dark pools of midnight
dancing with fury,
and an inner light,
shining like the midday sun.
whispered promises, unvoiced fears;
his voice echoes
in my mind and his name
is on my lips,
a hymn to all
that he is--the favoured one.
he approaches, feathers for hair,
eyes like dark pools of midnight
dancing with fury,
and an inner light,
shining like the midday sun.
sharp anger, broken hearts;
his presence echoes
in my mind and his name
is on my lips,
calling on a claim;
i belong to him, the favoured one.
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This is Kaos here for a review!
I like the contrast between the midnight and the sun you have here, but I felt it could have been a little stronger in parts. The pools of midnight were an image that sat in my head stronger than the last three lines. We don't really know why he's dancing and since this goes along with a novel we don't really have any context to who he is this early into the poem. Maybe his inner light is more like the sun that bleeds through the sky (this is me basically telling you to find a better image because I thought the midday one served mediocre.). There was a lack of ending the line here which I think was something that this suffered from along with the listing of the features for the imagery.
One thing I do have to say is that it does feel like a poem that has prose related features. I like the image with his name on lips like a prayer because it did something that's a powerful image, but the problem for me is that the structure becomes rather weak. I suggest perhaps having a different scheme of structure to keep it interesting throughout the poem, say stanza 1 has scheme 1, stanza 2 has scheme 2, stanza three is back to one, etc. It'll add more variety to the poem.
As for interpreting this the character that you're creating with the poem which seems to be the purpose of it and I'll touch more on that, they seem to be someone in higher power or someone that's royal? I'm trying to think of why this character would be named "The Favoured One" and the thoughts that have been running through my head is that some sort of soul/spirit inhabits the body or favors it. Another thing that it made me think of is that the person is favored /by/ someone else who is important.
This brings me to what I wanted to touch on with the purpose of this poem and interpretation. It's hard to interpret who this person is because the poem is vague in describing them, who they are, and why they're important. I guess it's not exactly supposed to be crystal clear, and it shouldn't be, there should be things to interpret. At the same time, give the reader a better guide on it. In the end the speaker says that they belong to him and this brings up a whole new set of speculation for me.
The repetition in this poem was iffy for me. I didn't really see the exact point of it because it didn't particularly add more power to it for me except for the last stanza which actually reinforced the thought with more weight to it. If you're going to use repetition, know why you're using repetition. Take in things to consider like the dead space between when you use repetition, how often you do it, if it's only to add emphasis or if you're adding something on with it.
I hope I helped and have a great day!
Hello my name is Ash (or Jelly, whatever you want), and I am here to review. now since this is a poem I am going to review/analyze it verse by verse. Thank you and I hope I am able to help.
Verse ONe:
I had received a very descriptive view of what he looks like. I like the line "and an inner light, shininh like the midday sun." I am inferring this is about the personality of the man. Which is seen in his eyes.
Verse 2:
More description of him. The narrator says his name, and it feels like a prayer which means it is sacred. And this is where the title comes in. But what makes him so great? Why is he the favoured one?
Verse 3:
It is repeated about what he looks like (just like verse one), and this time he approaches. What is the meaning of repeating this? Is it to reinforce what he looks like? Although the reader can certainly go back to look at verse one. I do not mean to be rude, but why would one want emphasis on physical traits. If I were you, I would maybe describe his personality too, unless that is in one of the next verses.
Verse 4:
"Whispered promises, unvoiced fears;". What an interesting line. This one struck out to me the most. I am guessing the narrator and the favoured one have a very close relationship.Is that why he is favored? Possibly.
Verse 5:
It is the same as verse 3. I can see there is a pattern now. One verse ends with the favored one, and the other is sun. Is it because that is a rhyme scheme. If so, clever. However, it needs more variety.
Verse 6:
It appears it is like a story. So narrator and the one, have a fallout, and the one leaves. But then the narrator feels as though he is still there, and that they,the narrator belong to him.
End:
Overall, I am somewhat confused by this piece (as you look through my break downs you can see why). I liked the word choice. However, please put more variety and add more detail of what actually was going on. To conclude, this writing was decent, and you will improve.Do not be hung up about my review. Instead, learn from it. Take notes, and keep them in mind when you work on your next piece. Keep posting your work here, and you will improve tremendously. Bye bye!
This was very detailed and I got a clear image from "feathers for hair eyes like dark pools of midnight..." You did a great job of saying things with a unique style, "unvoiced fears" and "his name on my lips, a hymn to all". I loved it and you did a great job. Keep writing!