Poetry stuff. I was bored and @Pompadour gave me an idea for this poem. <3 Thanks for the idea! Enjoy and whatnot.
The Apple Tree
The
sun is like a god, large and loud,
though
the light that falls upon us
is
merely a lover's caress,
like
the wind that breathes on the apple tree
and
rocks it gently so, until all the fruit
threatens
to fall, like a star to the earth;
The
moon is like a goddess, reflecting in ripples
upon
the water, an illusion of magic forgotten
by
all of the earthly men,
like
the wind that rocks the apple tree
but
if an apple falls into the pond,
the
moon breaks into a thousand pieces
only
to question if the apple tree was home;
The
pond is like a magician, casting illusions
towards
all those who peer into it
and
reflecting curious faces,
like
the wind that whispers rumours to the apple tree
about
magic and shadows, of secrets kept
in
the darkest corners of mortal minds;
The
Apple Tree is like a quiet shadow
lurking
behind closed doors,
overhearing
all the secrets we are told,
like
the wind through its branches, rustling the apple tree,
but
if an apple should fall into the pond,
and
the moon is broken into a thousand pieces,
who
would call that apple tree home?
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Heyo, Scar! ^_^ Here for a quick review~
So there's not much for me to say here, since my sense of poetry is mostly guided by how well images form and the general flow of things; your images are strong, and I like that. I do have some iffy-nesses, though, so let's get to those first.
~ Stanza One: Mm, you've really tied everything together well. The celestial/natural imagery is gorgeous, and the only teeny-tiny nitpick I have here is your tendency to use 'like' too often (three times in this stanza). It's a stupid nitpick, but it interfered with the overall flow for me. So I'd suggest re-phrasing a couple of the similes as metaphors, perhaps. Besides that, I think some rephrasing might help with the execution of the images and suches here:
This would read better if it was 'like stars crashing to earth', or something along those lines, I think. In any case, 'a star' just sounds awkward because you talk about 'all the fruit', so that would mean many /stars/ rather than a single star, right?
//cuts ramble short
Erm, besides that, I think the semicolon would be better replaced with a period, seeing as this is where you end the stanza and the semicolon doesn't do much to establish a connection or anything with the verses following this one.
~ This line is very stilted. I'd suggest getting rid of 'all of the' because it just feels cluttered up to me.
~ This is where all the images start jostling up against one another. The wind feels clingy rather than laying emphasis on the symbolic representation with which it entered the previous stanza; I'm also having trouble seeing the simile because it's meshed in a couple of other, just as heavy images. Is the wind an illusion in this stanza? Because that's what it reads like, but I have a feeling that is not what you're trying to say. Is it the fact that the wind isn't timeless, either? That it's going to fade away/die? The mention of wind here just strikes me as highly unnecessary, an allusion that the rest of the poem could do without.
The connection between the celestial bodies and the apple tree here isn't as strong as I'd like, and the sun is forgotten. It's like a loose end that should be tied up, because while I see the connection as: sun --> apple tree/life --> wind/trials/falling --> smashing headfirst into illusion/the moon --> homelessness, it's all rather garbled and could be clearer. Not blunt, just clearer, maybe if you broke the images apart a little rather than letting them run into one another.
~ I like your sense of enjambment and line breaks. Especially these lines:
Just. So gosh darn lovely, stop ittt. <33
Okay, so I'm short on time here but I'll leave you with a quick bit of advice: You allude to things too often and while comparison is good, sometimes it is better to let certain things be than to be like.
Overall, lovely poem, Scar! I definitely enjoyed this one. ^^
Hope this helped~
Cheers,
~Pomp
Hi there!
So first of all: I absolutely adore this poem! The comparisons give it an excellent touch. I love in the first stanza, how you compare the sun's light to a lovers caress. That really is brilliant, and well written. Also, in the third stanza, I love how you compared the pond to a magician. "casting illusions" & "reflecting curious faces" I love these specifically, because I instantly start to visualize a pond swirling around and showing reflections. The ending stanza leaves me wondering a few things. How does the moon being broken and an apple falling into a pond relate? Of course, It doesn't necessarily have to, as poetry is all about similes, metaphors, personification, etc etc, and I feel like i missed the metaphor/comparison.
The last line, "who would call that apple tree home?" Leaves me feeling... kind of Lonely. I love when a single line, can bring out an emotion/feeling, so you did very well!
Overall, This poem is amazing. When I started reading, the first thought that popped into my mind was, "Wow. This is the kind of poem I would read from a Published Poet!".
You did a fantastic job on this piece!
Keep writing!
~Nora
Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy,
Myjaspercat her for a review....
So I really liked this poem overall, I thought that it was kinda cute. My first nitpick is the beginning. I am not saying it is bad however, I am saying that it confused me a bit, but it was still pretty. I would like to know what you mean by the sun and how it's like a lover's caress. I want to know how it relates to the apple tree. May just be though so whatever.
I really did love the second stanza, I thought it as just simply amazing and beautiful. I love how you described the pond, in the beginning of the stanza because it made me feel as if you gave it human characteristics.
So yeah, amazing and beautiful and I really like it. But please show how the sun relates to the apple tree, other then that good job.
Continue writing
Hello there!
I am a big fan of apples so I figured I'd give this poem a read. It was truly thought-provoking. I enjoyed reading it. My only suggestion is that you relate the sun to the apple tree in the last stanza. You referred to everything else (moon, pond, apple); however, the sun is missing. It was introduced in the first stanza, and I suppose I just wanted to know how everything tied together. Otherwise, everything was great.
Best wishes,
Emily