And here's another poem. Wow, I'm full of these lately, aren't I? Anyway, enjoy. I'm not the only one who thinks it's a little.... repetitive sometimes, but meh. What do you think? *hides behind a rock and peeks out*
Let Me Know
Take out my lungs, darling.
. . . . . . . Pull out all my despair and,
lay me down beneath the heather,
my love. Let me soak up
. . . . . . . . . . . the lack of winter sun.
. . . Show me how much it hurts to breathe,
my darling.
. . . Show me how badly I crush your heart,
my love.
Let it crush my heart
. . . . . and make it bleed for you.
You know I love you
. . . . . . so much, darling.
Take my heart, darling-- I wear it
. . . . . . . . . . on my sleeve for all to see.
Pull and tug it until it breaks, darling.
. . . Show me why it hurts
to breathe, to speak
. . . . . . when I see you, my love.
. . . Show me why I let you
do the things you do when I see you,
my darling.
. . . . Let me know how much we hurt,
my love,
when you lay me down beneath the heather
. . and rip my soul in two.
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142,214 Literary Works • 676,887 Reviews
This is very good ScarlettFire! So good I'm afraid I don't really have any places where you can improve. I think your repetitiveness really worked. I really felt the emotion. I guess I don't really have anything else to say.
Calli
I think the danger of being repetitive come from the use of "my love" and "darling". Everything else seems fine, but these two phrases seem overused somehow. Otherwise this is a very effective piece.
I actually enjoyed reading this poem. It was all so very unique from the formatting of the poem itself to the word choice you chose. Over all, I think you did a really good job with this poem and I can't wait to read more from you. Keep up the good work.
This is awesome. Everything that, in my opinion, should be in a poem, is in here. I love the formatting and the words. It makes me think a lot, like every poem should! It is kind of dark, but it has so much inner meaning that stands out.