Between The Stars

Scarling! <3

Imma try to be quick with this so I can get lunch soon. Omnom.

To be honest, I think your very first image reference, mist across the Scottish moors, is my favorite in this piece, even though it's not the titular line. It paints something haunting into the lines, and that's beautiful.

Now, my first critique comes when you introduce "those bright pinpoints of light in the night sky," which are stars, and "the dark spaces between the stars," which is the rest of space. Between these two images, you've encapsulated the entire night sky, which I think defeats the purpose of mentioning one part or the other--I'd say pick one (which I'd nix the bright pinpoints, to be honest), and replace it with something that gets your point across even better. Out of reach like what? Something haunting and distant.

I'd get rid of one of the "dancing"s in the second-to-last line in stanza one. Make the second one some other verb, but repeating yourself--especially after saying dancing earlier on--doesn't work poetically. You even say "dancing" later on, and it gets old. You can use the action, just rename it somehow.

I'm personally not a fan of "tendrils," but I never really have been. Don't know why. It just doesn't flow. Almost like the word "gurgle". It just doesn't work often.

Line 2.4: "And still, the dancing." I'd nix this all together, honestly. It doesn't add anything, especially since you use "twirling" in the line beneath it.

Back on line 1.3, you say "half-forgotten." I'd rather this be left to "forgotten," as it will tighten up your flow, and give you a lick of alliteration after "flurry."

And I think that'll do it for me. <3

Its's interesting! Distinct due to your word choices. Your words and voice creates images that illustrates your message. However, reading the last comment, I can't just agree with the fact that its about loss. But then again, its a poem, and like art, open to many interpretations. In my opinion, I see a girl who lives a life of denial caused by fear. Yet in her denial she sees glimpses of sanity and enjoys every moment of humanness till she's pulled back by fear to that world we do not know. So in her denial she creates an escape to freedom. I see the longing for freedom and sanity that's why she whispers her secret to the moon. All in all, it's a beautiful poem and the workshop did a great job. I hear a new voice- bold and strong in your writing. Good job indeed!

Scarli!

Okay, I really liked this poem. I could visualize quite a lot with it and I could clearly see the girl you created in my mind. But I didn't really get it - the whole idea of the poem - but I think that is just me not thinking enough. However, it all flowed well and it sounded really beautiful. I liked it

Deanie x