Forever

by ScarlettFire

  • Poetry
  • Other · Narrative

Published August 28, 2012

In Poetry 2011-2012

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Mostly to see what people think. Crit, etc welcome, and apprecitated, if you feel inclined. But most of all; just enjoy!

Forever

Does she remember,
when he held her hand
and whispered sweet nothings in her ear?
It was the middle of December
and the summer heat was high.
He promised her forever
if only she’d stay with him
for just one night.

And she whispered shyly “yes”

Does she remember,
what he did next, with sly
How it was the tail end of January
and the summer sun was still in the sky.
She promised him her everything
if only he’d say “I love you”
just one more time.

But, of course, he knew best.

Does he remember me?
she would wonder
years later and all alone,
two kids in school, one dead and gone,
and yet another one the way.
He’d promised her forever,
lied through his teeth and told her
“We should be together, forever, don’t you agree?”

And then he was laid to rest.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
Sylar
Review
Sylar wrote a review Review · Apr 27, 2014

This was a really cool and interesting poem! I took 2 lines from each stanza to elaborate:

"and the summer heat was high." I don't think the word "high" really flows with the poem. That should be changed a little."

"for just one night." I think "just" doesn't work in this. Again, it doesn't flow well.

"what he did next, with sly" Sly what? I'm confused on this.

"just one more time." Again, that "just" really doesn't work in this poem!

"two kids in school, one dead and gone," I think you should go to another line between "school" and "one". That never stops the reader from moving through the poem. It speeds it up better.

Aside from that, this was really great! I like the story, and I love the italized (I spelled that wrong, didn't I? XD) phrases. It was really cool what you were getting at, and I like your tone. Great job!

Alex out!

User avatar
klara1882
Review
klara1882 wrote a review Review · Aug 29, 2012

Hello

I'm not really that much of a poet but I really loved this, especially these three lines:

And she whispered shyly “yes”

But, of course, he knew best.

And then he was laid to rest.



Beautiful. Keep writing.

Random avatar
Bobbywalker
Comment
Bobbywalker commented Comment · Aug 28, 2012

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MSIjrk8FHhA

Just a funny response. This vid is also where I got my avvie



The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.
— Harold Coffin