My heart is broken, I have lost a part of me.
My hearts been stolen, you cannot find what you can't see. [ Extended see, for about 4 seconds]
. . .
Now, burn me, burn me, burn me up and scatter me.
Crush me, crush me, pick me up and shatter me.
. . .
I have waited for way too long, the earth is spinning, but I stand strong.
I've kept myself waiting, trying to understand.
Why you left me, I'm still young and now my innocence is gone.
You've disappeared, nowhere to be found, turn me down, push me to the ground.
. . .
Save me, save me, pull me up and carry me.
Help me, help me, hurry before it's too late!
. . .
And I, am begining to fade, into the night.
Not where I belong but it's moving too fast, to catch the light, the night is calling out.
I don't want to follow, I don't want to listen to the dark.
They're calling me, I am torn apart slowly.
. . .
Go on, bury me.
There's nothing you can do to savor me...
. . .
You can try to tear me, but I am already torn apart.
You can try to weaken me, but I will still stay strong.
. . .
Burn me, burn me, burn me up and scatter me.
Crush me, crush me, pick me up and shatter me.
Save me, save me, pull me up and carry me.
Help me, help me, hurry before it's too late!
. . .
I cry, but where I am no one can hear my voice.
They are blind, they are blind, but so am I. We cannot see pass the mist, that lingers, blocking the view.
Reality has poisoned me, the acid burns me up. I cannot return, for the path I have taken. Is lost among the leaves, I cannot find my way out.
I am crumbling!
. . .
Save me, save me, I am slipping!
Help me, help me, hurry before they catch me!
. . .
And as I fall behind, I see the light shining through the night.
A hand reaches out, screaming for me grap, I escape into the light, finally I am free atlast.
________________________________________________________________________________
This is only a draft of what it's gonna be, I got kinda lazy at the end. Anyway tell me what you think!
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hello Writer Scarlet! I'll share some thought about your poem.
This was quite a good attempt for rough draft. I liked it very much. The repetition of words is perfectly restrained. Never felt you were gulping those words down my throat. The flow of the poem is slightly choppy, but since it's a retouch draft, I think I'll say you can improve it when you thoroughly revise it.
I'm repeating myself in most reviews but I guess there's only one word standing between your work... EDITING
Editing will really take this to a new high.
This might be a personal opinion but this was exactly the point when I lost the touch of your poem. You need some crisp and sharp editing and a good revision. Nothing else is wrong with this apart from flow.
Keep writing! Great job!
Hullo!
Rurouni has wandered here to review!
Let's jump into it, alrighty?
I like the beat I got when I read it. But, some words seem, to go out of the beat I get.
So here's an example of what I'm getting in this beat:
Saveme, save me, I am slipping
Maybe try I'm instead of I am. Or even, slippin', slang can do even the best of writers awesomeness.
Basically, just remember you don't always needs to say, "I am" You can say, "I'm" or even, "I'ma" (slang again!). And "I will" "I'll" So just keep it in mind. If it's lyrical, try singing it out loud, and see if you get caught up on any of the "I am". Or read it aloud with a bit of a beat.
I like it, but it does seem to go a bit crazy at the end O.O And I'm somewhat confused on what the saving is about (then again I was reading for a beat).
Well, it was nicely written, and by the beat I was reading it to, it sounded very nice. I'm not a fan of the "I am" but that's my opinion. Do whatever floats your boat.
Well, I must wander off now!
~Rurouni~