Young and dumb, blinded by uncorrupted innocence.
Desiring to fight amongst the men, following closely behind.
Not understanding the brutality amongst these wistful dreams.
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Women waiting for their lovers to come home, as their sons and daughters begin to grow old.
Our brethren sing amongst the dead, for they have been lost.
But not forgotten.
No, never forgotten.
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Living within our hearts and minds, weeping within this unkempt peace.
Crumbling away like blackened ash, swirling in faceless patterns in the wind.
We wish for freedom, but with that gained freedom comes a deadly price.
Are we willing to pay for what we have taken?
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Blood, crimson and tainted in the obscure night, the sound of sirens screeching amongst the field.
Oh how she cries, under the skies of silenced dawn, mourning her only son.
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When I wrote this poem, I do think it was after I'd gotten back from the mall with my best friend. I saw a few soldiers at the mall whist I was eating in the food court, and I gathered up some courage and got out of my seat so I could shake his hand.
A few days later I was doing a bit of free-writing and that's what came to mind. I know there are mistakes and such but that will all get fixed in good time. Please continue reviewing and pointing them out and I will correct and perfect this poem all in good time.
ThankYou!:)
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hello, happy review day!
This is a beautiful poem which strikes me at my core as a reader. By using free verse you create a personal feel for the poem and just makes the overall poem even more meaningful. This poem creates a remembrance for the horrors of war that many of our ancestors experienced. Unfortunately here and there, there are a few grammatical errors and imagery could be stronger: e.g. Crumbling like blackened ash, swirling in patterns in the wind-this is beautiful imagery. If you took this and sprinkled throughout the poem it would be even more meaningful.
I think that the best part of the poem are the two lines-But not forgotten. No, never forgotten.-By repeating the idea that the war and its soldiers will never be forgotten, the reader gets imprinted with the entire idea of how strongly we should feel about the war today. I also like how you describe the memories as living within our hearts as you connect with both the past and the reader making the entire story that trails between the lines very personal.
Overall I do feel like if you fixed the errors, this piece would excel for what it is worth.
Great poem,
that's all from me,
Godly
p.s. R.I.P all those soldiers that once fought in the war
Thankyou for your time,
Will do.
Hey, darling! Here to review, of course, so let's get to it~
Do you mean for "women waiting for their lovers to come home", or "the woman waiting for her lover to come home" -- not to mention, "they're" is the contracted form of "they are", so you want the possessive form, "their".First of all, I want to state the importance of imagery in poetry. It looks like you have a few good images hiding in the woodwork here, but you really have to bring them out so that the reader can enjoy them and feel the emotions you really want to convey through the piece. Without the images, the reader is left lost in this emotional wasteland, looking for a map to guide them to their destination, but all you've given them is a scrap of paper with a few words scribbled on it. The images are most definitely key to getting a good poem jotted down -- it's the whole point of poetry, and why it was developed in the first place.
Secondly, you have a lot of typos and grammatical errors. "Brotherin" should be "Brethren"; this line just confuses me because I know what you're trying to say, but I don't know how to correct it:
Overall, I don't feel like this poem is excessively bad, but I'm not getting the impression that it's excessively good, either. It honestly leaves me in this emotional middle ground where I have nothing to grab onto, and I know that this poem should leave me feeling desolate and desperate, but it doesn't. If there's one thing that you need to work on in the poetry aspect, it's the imagery -- without solid imagery, it's just words on a page, trying in vain to evoke an emotional response. Keep writing!
I understand where your getting at. Frankly my grammar needs loads of work, and I will try to fix all the mistakes in here. When I wrote this I was mostly just free-writing because I was bored and something like this is what came to mind at the time. I'll fix the mistakes at some point, thanks for the review it's much appreciated!
Hey there! *trumpets sounding* I've come to review!
So I guess I will just jump right into it since its a short poem *Yay!*
I would like to start out by saying that it is a wonderful poem and that I am sorry that it is review day because I feel the need to shred something (you can hate on me later)...
So, the first four lines are the only ones that I really need to talk about since the rest is all perfect and amazing, anyhow, here we go:
I think dumb is a little blunt for someone who wants to join the army. Anyone who is going to lay their life down for their country had to have thought about it before just hopping right in. perhaps "misinformed" or another word might be better to start things off.
Also, I won't quote lines since its a poem, but in the 2nd and 3rd lines you have a bit of redundancy with "amongst"
In this line you have "women" as a plural but only a single "her" I think that you meant "woman" so this could just be a typo that I have nitpicked.
Everything beyond this is amazing and I loved the ending. My final words are to separate everything that comes after a comma into its own line to make it more punctual and resonating with the reader so that we give it more pause than a simple comma.
That is all *bows*
Wonderful job, keep it up- Happy Writing!
Well, In the first few lines I'm referring too young men whom want to follow in the footsteps of others and join the army. It may be too blunt but I feel it sounds better than misinformed. As for the line 'Women waiting for her lover to come home' I do feel that sounds odd, but instead of changing women to woman i'll just change her to their, and lover to lover's.
Awesome- you did a good job- keep it up:)
That was the most powerful war poem I have read in years. Your conventions are incredible, and you have done a respectable tribute to all vets and the unforgotten.(POW-MIA) Amazing. Oh, and Merry Christmas!
Thank you