16+ Language Violence

A God Named Sin 1st Chapter

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

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A God Named Sin

By Heather Anderson

Chapter I - Fractured Beginnings

"If Adam and Eve were the first two people on earth, wouldn't that make everyone in the world related?" Rylie asked, putting her sketchbook back in her backpack.

"Uhh..." Maia hesitated to respond for a second. "I guess."

"Then everyone is marrying a sibling when they get married," Cherry said after a second.

Cade almost spit out his water as he laughed but managed not to. "What?"

"It would be more like a very, very distant cousin that a sibling," Arres said, not looking up from his math book.

Rylie pushed her lunch tray out of the way to rest her arms on the lunch table. Most her food was still on it, but she didn't like the food, so she just didn't eat it. A few minutes of talking later, the group of friends -- Rylie, Maia, Cherry, Terria, and Arres -- got up to throw their food away. They put their trays up at the dishwasher station and started making their way outside. Rylie ruffled her golden amber hair, which was in a short, Korean leaf hairstyle. It was very messy hair, but Rylie liked having this hairstyle. She only cut her hair short because she hates the feeling of hair rubbing against her neck. Even if her brother had gotten a little upset because he could no longer braid her hair, she was happy with it.

As the group of 6 were walking, there was suddenly a flash of white light that blinded them, and the floor felt like it disappeared from beneath them. Rylie could feel air whipping past her for a second or two before she hit something solid -- the ground.  She heard a loud crack from somewhere and a sharp, burning pain erupted in her leg. It caused her to cry out in pain and tears involuntarily fell from her eyes and down her cheeks. For a minute, all Rylie could think about was the pain from her leg. But as her vision came back to her, her thoughts shifted.

The first thing she noticed was that she was no longer in her school building. She couldn't see much, through her tears, but she was able to make out that her surroundings were green, like plants. Rylie blinked her eyes and wiped away the tears in them with the back of her hand. After that, her vision became clearer, and she was able to better make out her surroundings.

Rylie was surrounded by trees and plants. The trees had dark bark and leaves, and were massive in size, almost like redwoods. The plants around her were lush and green, and there were lots of brightly colored flowers and berries on lots of them. The sounds of animals and running water filled Rylie's ears through her hearing aids. Rylie was shocked, confused, and a bit scared. As she tried to sit up, she felt a burst of pain from her leg that caused her to groan and close her eye as a few more tears fell from them.

When Rylie opened her eyes again, she looked down at her leg, only to quickly look away a second later. Her tan pant leg was now red with blood. She didn't even want to look at the rest of her injury and she felt like throwing up. She sat up again, but this time, she felt a weight on her back. She looked and saw her backpack was still on. Then it clicked that she still had her phone, and she could call for help. She took off her backpack and pulled her phone out of her back pocket, but her heart dropped when she saw the screen was shattered and many pieces were broken off.

Then Rylie heard a sharp snap of a stick. Her head shot up and she looked around quickly to find the source of the sound. She shoved her phone into a side pouch on her backpack, even if it was useless now. After looking for a second, she saw a figure -- a person -- approaching her. She couldn't see them very well at first but could slowly make out their features after they got closer.

Based on their body shape, Rylie guessed they were male, and they looked normal for the most part. He looked to have a well-toned body and was wearing a deep gray outfit that looked like a uniform. There were lots of black bags of varying sizes hanging from his shoulders and his belt. There looked to be weapon sheaths on his belt too, but Rylie couldn't be sure. He had black hair that loosely framed his face and looked slightly unkept. His eyes were a deep blue in color, like Rylie's own eyes, and had very small bags under them. His skin was slightly dark, like someone of Asian descent, with a few darker spots around his fingers.

But, the man also had wings. His wings were large and looked like a bat's wings and were a deep blue in color, folded neatly behind him. He also had a demon-like tail that was the same deep blue and trailing behind them. A pair of horns coming out of their head were also the deep blue color and looked almost a foot long.

When the man got within a couple feet of Rylie, they paused and just stood there, staring at Rylie. Their eyes moved up and down her, like they were examining her. After a few seconds, he spoke.

"Well, I'll be damned to the abyss. That's a human," the man said. His voice was deep and young, with a bit of a hiss to some words. He spoke like he was talking to himself while examining Rylie.

Rylie looked at the man with confusion. There were still some tears lacing her cheeks and her eyes from the burning pain in her leg. "Ummm... Hello...?" Rylie said after a second.

The man jumped slightly when Rylie spoke, his eyes widening as he took a few steps back. "You... You can speak?" the man asked, sounding shocked.

"Yes...?" Rylie responded.

The man eyed Rylie for a second, their face softening slightly after a second. "How...? I'm speaking Va'Lian... You should not be able to understand me, you're a human..."

Rylie was even more confused. "Va'Lian...? I'm speaking English," Rylie said.

The man looked puzzled for a second before they knelt down to Rylie's eye level. "Interesting," he said, "you think you're speaking English, yet it sounds like Va'Lian to me... I suppose it doesn't matter."

The man started examining Rylie more closely as they spoke. "Though, you seem to be in a bit of a situation," they said, looking Rylie's broken leg and wincing slightly.

Rylie looked at her leg as well. "I guess I am. But y'know, that's what happens when you fall from the sky."

The person just stared at Rylie for a second. "You fell from the sky? Could you please elaborate on that please," he asked.

"How am I supposed to elaborate? I fell from the sky," Rylie responded.

The man's expression changed to a semi-annoyed one. "I mean how did you fall from the sky? Humans obviously don't have wings, and I doubt humans have made a flying machine."

Rylie looked at the man with a dumbfounded expression. "I... What?"

"The sky. You said you fell from the sky. How did you fall from the sky? And don't say I fell again," the man said.

"What else am I supposed to say? Other than I don't know how I fell from the sky. I just did," Rylie answered with slight annoyance.

The man sighed and pinched the bridge of their nose. "Fine. Let's drop this subject. I need to help you with your damned leg anyways," the man said. He then stood and walked closer to Rylie, until he was right next to her. When he got close enough, he kneeled down and picked Rylie up in his arms bridal style. Rylie winced and bit back a cry of pain when the man picked her up, since he moved her leg and caused her another burst of pain. The man then grabbed Rylie's backpack and slung it over his shoulder.

The man hummed and readjusted Rylie in his arms so he wasn't touching her leg. Once he was holding Rylie in a more comfortable position, he started walking through the forest. He moved very easily, like he had done this several times before. After a minute or so, he spoke.

"Since you can talk, you must have a name, correct? I'd like to know your name if I'm carrying you like this," the man asked.

Rylie looked at the man. "I'll tell you my name if you tell me yours."

The man sighed in annoyance. "My name is Xevik. Now are you going to tell me your name or are you going to be difficult?"

"No, I'm not going to be difficult," Rylie scoffed. "My name is Rylie."

"Rylie," Xevik repeated. They were silent for a second before speaking again. "You know, you say you aren't going to be difficult, and yet you've been quite the opposite of cooperative since we've started talking..."

Rylie scoffed again. "Well, you don't have to be rude about it."

Xevik chuckled before responding. "Oh, and you have been oh so polite to me..." Xevik rolled his eyes before speaking again, this time jokingly. "Oh, and my apologies, oh dear injured one, for my oh so rude manners."

"Well now youre being rude to me!" Rylie said while shooting a small glare at Xevik. Xevik just chuckled.

"I'm just matching your energy," Xevik said. "If you start being nice to me, then I'll be nice to you."

Rylie rolled her eyes and crossed her arms, which got another chuckle from Xevik. After a few more minutes, Rylie saw something up ahead through the trees. She couldn't tell what is was, but before she could ask, Xevik spoke.

"Ah, here we are. Dixi. Now I suggest that you don't talk when we get into the camp. I'm already bringing a human into camp. Everyone would probably freak out if you started talking," Xevik said.

Rylie was confused, but managed to utter a response. "O-Okay..."

"Good," Xevik said before walking out of the trees.

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
SanaPathan
Review

Heyy! I read another one of your works (Infected loyalty) and I really loved it, so I thought I'd check out another one of your stories and leave a review :)

Starting the chapter with the conversation about everyone technically being siblings was a great way to pull the readers in and it made the sudden shift of worlds even more surprising. I genuinely didn’t see the teleportation coming. If it wasteleportation, that is. The transition wasn't entirely clear, and if she actually fell from the sky, then I found myself having the same reaction as Xevik: Howdid she fall from the sky?

I absolutely love your imagery. Your descriptions are really strong especially the way you described Xevik. As someone who basically has a movie playing in their head while reading, I think vivid description is incredibly important in storytelling, and you're doing a fantastic job bringing scenes and characters to life.

I did notice a few small typos and had a couple of suggestions that might help improve the flow:

"It would be more like a very, very distant cousin that a sibling,"

There is a small typo here. It should be "than a sibling."

"Most her food was still on it,"

Another small typo: "most of her food"

"A few minutes of talking later, the group of friends -- Rylie, Maia, Cherry, Terria, and Arres -- got up to throw their food away."

Something about this sentence just doesn't sit right with me. May I suggest something like "After a few minutes of chatting with each other" or something like that? And you later say that they are a group of 6 friends but here you only wrote 5 names.

"It was very messy hair,"

It may sound better as "Her hair was very messy."

"Well now youre being rude to me!"

Should be "you're".

One more suggestion I think it could really strengthen the scene if we saw more of Rylie's reaction to seeing someone with wings and horns. That's a huge, shocking moment, and giving us her emotional response would make the encounter feel even more impactful.

Overall, I really love the premise of the story and this is a great first chapter! You do a great job setting up intrigue and making the reader want to know what happens next. The dynamic between Xevik and Rylie is my favourite thing about this chapter. I love their banter and it really adds more personality to their characters. I am looking forward to reading more of your works!

-Sana :smt049

User avatar
Iggy
Review
Iggy wrote a review · Thu Feb 06, 2025 11:16 pm

Hi there, SavageRaptor109! Dropping by to give you a review. I will be using the YWS'mores method to help structure my review. :)

The Top Graham Cracker: I usually read a few lines of the work and then stop to note down my initial thoughts or reactions. I really like the hook you chose to start off with! I've always favored starting a story off with a line of dialogue. It's a good way to draw the reader in and ease them into the story. Right away, I'm giggling and invested in this! So great job, can't wait to keep reading. :)

The Slightly Burnt Marshmallow:

Their eyes moved up and down her, like they were examining her.


Consider removing the word I striked out.

Besides that, and what vampricone mentioned about the double use of the word "please", I don't see anything else to critique!

The Melty Chocolate Bar Okay, so! This is quite interesting. I didn't expect something so drastic to happen in the first chapter. It's so strange that this happened to Rylie and only Rylie. I was expecting her friends to have also fallen through the earth, but it seems they haven't. So now I'm wondering if this is just a dream or a hallucination Rylie is having? Maybe she's just imagining her pain. Or maybe it's not and she actually was teleported somewhere entirely! Only time will tell.

I find it so interesting that Xevik exhibits such humanistic characteristics, such as frustration and annoyance. He is also familiar with overly-personal actions, such as picking Rylie up bridal-style, and how that can be considered inappropriate. He also noticed her backpack and picked it up, which is so interesting to me, because you wouldn't expect someone from (what seems like) another world or realm to do that. Makes me wonder exactly what he is and what his race is. I do like how Xevik is surprised that Rylie can understand him. Definitely wonder what kind of powers or abilities she has that makes her able to understand his language. I wonder if he can understand English, or is he experiencing what she is experiencing? Hmm...

My favorite lines were these:

Rylie ruffled her golden amber hair, which was in a short, Korean leaf hairstyle.


"Ah, here we are. Dixi. Now I suggest that you don't talk when we get into the camp. I'm already bringing a human into camp. Everyone would probably freak out if you started talking," Xevik said.


The Bottom Graham Cracker: This is really good so far! Very intriguing. I'm curious to see what happens next. Let me know if you post another chapter!

I hope this review was a bit helpful. :)

~Iggy

Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!

Shalt we commence with the evil S’more?

Top Graham Cracker - Rylie and her friends have a conversation about Adam and Eve, then, when Rylie goes home, she is spontaneously thrown into the woods and yelled at by Xevik for not knowing why she’s there. She seems to be speaking in another demon language, too…even though it sounds like English. Hmm…

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - When Xevik asks Rylie to elaborate, “please” is said twice. But that’s just one little thing.

Chocolate Bar - I like how you described Rylie as a character in the beginning of this chapter so that we get a sense of who she is. I also like the conversation that she and her friends have about Adam and Eve, this could be foreshadowing to something that may happen in the future. And the whole thing with Rylie and Xevik…I don’t think that they were trying to be rude to each other, there was just a misunderstanding. But I’m glad that it was written like this because it can show how vastly different they are and the potential for them to possibly be on better terms in the future (that’s what I got from it, anyway).

Closing Graham Cracker - An interesting first chapter, promising many crazy adventures to come! I wonder how Rylie will navigate this strange world that she was literally thrown into and how Xevik will come into play. I sure do hope that they don’t come to hate each other, but then, only time will tell. With that, I wish you…

A spectacular day/night! ^v^



Maybe the real Mariah Carey was the friends we made along the way
— Ravena