Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
(I'm curious if anyone will be able to figure out where I got the inspiration for the dark magic users came from. I have no reward for it but I'm just curious if anyone will be able to see it. I'll give the answer in the next post of A God Named Sin.)
By Heather Anderson
Borus stood on the hill, overlooking the town of Dixi. He was a imposing demon with blood red hair, black horns, black leathery wings, and a black demon tail. His eyes, once orange in color, were now a deep purple, his pupils shattered. Black veins creeped up his arms from his hands from the corrupted dark magic he used. The night was dark, with no moons in the sky to give any light, but Borus didn’t need light to see his target.
Behind him, thousands of dark magic users waited, ready to descend upon the town and take it by force. Many men with dogs were at the front, behind them, archers with crossbows and bows nocked, mages and magicians with spells at the ready, and maybe a handful of men on mounts to lead the charge.
This would be their first step in their plan to overthrow the Light Kingdom.
Suddenly a shadow caught Borus’s eyes, and he turned just in time to see a man in a Light Kingdom uniform running towards the town. Probably a scout who had stumbled upon them. Borus growled under her breath, turning to his men. He spotted one in particular — Brich, the handler of a pure black wolf — and gave him a simple order. “Bring him to me.”
Brich grinned and headed out, his wolf companion bounding at his side. Borus watched as the wolf caught up to the scout, knocking him down with one jump. Brich dragged the man back, and Borus stared at the struggling form with cold, empty eyes.
“Ah, a scout,” Borus said, his voice smooth and silky. “Off to warn your townsfolk, I presume?”
The man stared up at Borus, defiance in his eyes. “You’ll never get away with this! You dark magic users will never be able to take down the Light Kingdom!”
Borus chuckled, shaking his head. The man simply didn’t understand. “That’s where you are wrong, my friend. Shadow has made his choice, and he will stop at nothing to get what he wants.”
“That demon is a deranged lunatic! Don’t forget that his brother is the leader of the Light Kingdom Army! You will all be punished for your crimes! The gods will have their justice!”
Borus’s eyes darkened, his fist clenching. “The gods? The gods abandoned us a long time ago, fool. We are our own gods now. And Shadow is the one true god that we will follow.”
Borus called over more of the dog handlers. The scout watched the men surround him, the dogs wearing harnesses imbedded with gemstones of different colors — different ranks. His eyes widened in fear as he realized what was about to happen.
“Go ahead,” Borus said, smiling cruelly. “Let’s let the dogs have a little snack before we put them to work. They’ll need the energy.”
The men all chuckled darkly, unclipping the dogs’ leashes and giving the simple command.
“Fetch.”
The scout’s screams echoed through the night as the dogs descended upon him, tearing him apart as he was buried under their furry bodies. Their tails wagged, like they were playing a game with their new toy. Some of the soldiers from behind cheered and laughed, excited for the upcoming battle. The scout’s screams soon grew silent. The dogs’ handlers pulled the dogs off, satisfied that the scout was dead. The black wolf was the last to leave, a sizable chunk of the scout’s arm still trapped in his jaws. Brich patted the wolf on the head, praising him as he reclipped the leash.
Borus looked back out over the town of Dixi, his eyes glinting with malicious intent. He stepped over what was left of the scout and made his way down the hill, his army following behind him. The darkness of the night was their ally. When they got close enough to see the two guards stationed outside the town’s gates, two mages stepped forward and cast a spell. The shadows of the night seemed to leap to life, snaking forward and coiling around the guards, suffocating them. The town gates clicked open, and Borus lead the march into Dixi.
The archers made their way up the town’s walls, taking out any resistance that got in the way, stationing themselves on the walls with the order to take down anyone who attempted to escape. The dog handlers guided their hounds through the streets, breaking into homes and dragging out cowering civilians, forced to watch as their friends and neighbors were slaughtered. Children younger than 5 were taken from their parents by the dark magic users, destined to be broken and trained into loyal servants and soldiers. They were taken to the wagons outside the town, guarded by archers and a few dog handlers.
Borus made his way the capital building of Dixi, a grand cathedral-like structure that stood tall over the rest of the town. The guards outside the building wasted no time in attacking, but they were taken down quickly by a group of mages. As they entered the capital building, the workers and servants fled in terror, scattering throughout the halls. The dogs were unleashed, tracking down the fleeing servants and their screams were heard as soon at the dogs caught them. The town mayor was dragged from his office, his wife and children being dragged out soon after.
Borus stood in the main hall, a twisted grin on his face. The mayor looked up at Borus with hate and fear in his eyes. The remaining people in the capital building were forced to their knees, their hands bound, heads bowed. Borus savored the scene, feeling drunk on the power he had over these people and the knowledge that he had successfully taken over the town of Dixi. There was just one more thing to do before Dixi was under Shadow’s control.
Borus turned towards the mayor, the grin still on his face. “Your town has been conquered, old man. I’m afraid you’re no longer needed. Shadow sends his regards.”
The mayor’s eyes widened in horror as Borus nodded towards the two mages standing beside him. The mages stepped forwards, their hands glowing with dark magic. The other captured people in the hall could only watch in terror and horror as the mages unleashed their power, reducing the mayor to a pile of ash. The mayor’s kids screamed, their cries echoing through the hall as their father was killed before their eyes. His wife collapsed, her anguished sobs filling the air.
Borus looked around the hall, his eyes glinting with satisfaction. He spoke, addressing everyone present.
“From this day forward, Dixi is under the rule of Shadow G’Klair, leader of the dark magic users! Any who dare to resist will be met with the same fate as your precious mayor! You will submit to the will of Shadow or you will die! This is your only warning!”
The people in the hall all bowed their heads, trembling in fear. The other dark magic users let out cries of triumph, their victory over Dixi complete. Borus laughed and spoke again, doing the salute of the Dark Magic Users — bringing his pointer and middle finger to his forehead, then sweeping them outward with his palm facing up.
“Long live Shadow, our dark lord!”
The dark magic users followed suit, repeating the salute and the chant loudly in unison: “Long live Shadow! Our dark lord!”
The dark magic users all laughed and cheered, the residents of the town crying softly, knowing they were now living under the rule of a monster. Brich then appeared, dragging a young man with him. Borus grinned.
“Ah, the town messenger. Just what I was waiting for,” Borus said. “I have a message for you to take to Vinydrixi.”
The messenger looked up at Borus with terrified eyes. “Tell them that the capturing of Dixi is just the beginning,” Borus continued, “Shadow will take over the Light Kingdom cities, one by one, until his rule is absolute. You have been warned.”
The messenger nodded quickly, breathing heavily. Brich let go of the messenger, shoving him towards the door. “Go, now! Tell the council of Vinydrixi our message!”
The messenger stumbled out the door, running away as fast as he could. He ran to the stables, grabbing his unicorn and jumping on the equine’s back without putting on the saddle. He immediately urged the unicorn onward, leaving Dixi as fast as possible. The archers on the wall, seeing the messenger flee, decided to have fun. They shot at him, the arrows whistling past him as he rode away. One dug into his shoulder and another into his leg, but he kept riding, determined to deliver the message to Vinydrixi.
The messenger rode through the night, completing the two-day journey in less than half the time. Blood stained his shirt and pants, the two arrows still firmly lodged into him, his mind kept repeating what Borus had told him. His unicorn was also exhausted, is sides heaving and its coat stained with blood. The poor creature could barely keep going, but the messenger had to deliver the message. He had broken off part of the arrows and hastily made tourniquts. They weren't good, but they would work while he made the journey. A few stops were made for water, but no other stops were made. As the sun started to rise over the horizon the morning of the next day, the messenger finally saw the grand buildings and spires of Vinydrixi in the distance. He pressed on, galloping towards the city, knowing the urgency of his message. He was feeling faint from blood loss and exhaustion, and he was growing weaker with each passing moment.
The guards outside the city gates saw the unicorn approaching in the distance and readied themselves, unsure of what was happening. As the unicorn drew nearer, they saw blood on the mount and the rider slumped over, swaying on the equine’s back. The guards shared a look, then sprang into action, running to meet the messenger. The guards on the wall saw the scene below and called for a healer to be brought immediately. The two guards reached the unicorn and the messenger just as the rider was slipping off the equine’s back.
The guards caught the messenger, lowering him gently to the ground. The unicorn collapsed beside the boy, its eyes half-closed and its breath coming in ragged gasps. The messenger looked up at the guards with pleading eyes.
“I-I have an urgent message… For the council…” The messenger struggled to speak, his voice weak and strained. The guards looked at each other, then one of them nodded.
“Don’t try to speak, son. You need a healer,” one of the guards said.
“No, please… The council must know… Dixi has fallen…” The messenger reached up feebly, trying to grab the guard’s arm.
The other guard’s eyes widened. “What do you mean Dixi has fallen?”
The messenger took a shaky breath. “The dark magic users… They attacked and conquered Dixi… They killed so many… The mayor… Please… Tell the council…”
The guards stared at the messenger in shock, then one turned, looking at the guards on the wall and shouting, “Summon the council immediately! This is an emergency! And get a healer out here now!”
One guard on the wall nodded and took off flying, using red wings to fly towards the central palace where the council resided. The guards gently lifted the messenger, bringing him inside the safety of the city gates, praying the healer would arrive in time. The unicorn, too exhausted to move, lay still, its sides still heaving. The messenger was laid down, his eyes half closed as he fought to stay conscious. The citizens who saw the guards bring the injured messenger gathered around, gasping at the sight of his wounds. One of the guards noticed a well-known stable hand in the crowd and told him about the unicorn, asking him to get it help. The stable hand nodded and took off to go get assistance to help the unicorn.
Soon the council members arrived, accompanied by their bodyguards, one of their spies, and the royal healer. The crowd parted to make a path for them, all eyes turning to the injured messenger. One council member, a man with blue hair and green eyes, along with a shark-like tail and gills named Elian, knelt down by the messenger.
“What happened, child? Tell us what has occurred,” Elian said gently but firmly. The healer, Carwel, an older woman with greying sea green hair and a snake-like tail, began tending to the messenger’s wounds, trying to stop the bleeding from the two arrows.
The messenger weakly looked up at Elian. “Dixi… The dark magic users h-have conquered Dixi… The mayor is dead… They have a message for you all…” The messenger took a shuddering breath. “They say this is only the beginning… Shadow will take over the Light Kingdom cities… one by one… until his rule is absolute… We have been warned…”
The crowd erupted into horrified whispers and cries as the messenger finished speaking. A few people broke down in tears, most likely those with relatives or friends in the trading city. The council members exchanged grave looks, realizing the gravity of the situation.
“Quickly, take him to the infirmary and see to his wounds,” another council member, a woman with black hair and black wings named Dalia, ordered the healer and a few guards.
Another council member, a man with blood-red hair and a wolf-like features named Hinter spoke under his breath, shaking his head in dismay. “This is a disaster…"
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hey there! Plume here, with a review! I see your work has been in the Green Room for a bit, so I thought I'd give it a review to bump it out!
I'll preface this review by saying that fantasy isn't my usual genre of fiction, but I liked this piece! The narration was good, and it was quite well-written. It seems like you've got some really good world building going, and we're starting a quite a high stakes moment.
I thought it was interesting to start from the perspective of what seem to be the villains of this tale. It seems to me like the group of characters we're introduced to at the end will be the ones who are the main focus. I wondered what the intention was behind telling this first part from Borus' perspective. I'm curious if he's going to play a bigger part later on, or if you'll continue switching between perspectives. I'm curious to know if you had any specific reasons in mind for starting that way?
That being said, I like how you set up the story. It was very cinematic, tracing the messenger's journey outside of Dixi once it had been taken over. The action was well written, and fairly graphic. I will say, there were some points where it felt a bit unnecessary and too detailed, which I think lessened the impact of it a bit. I find that less is more when it comes to writing violence, and some really well-chosen words can elicit more revulsion than graphic detail.
Specifics
I have mixed feelings about this big chunk of description. While it's nice to set the scene, I find that simply just stating what a character looks like isn't always the most effective or interesting way to describe their looks. Instead, working them into more active descriptions (instead of just describing the way they are) can be a good way to further the story while also weaving in descriptions.
Overall: nice work! This is an interesting start to your story, and I hope you keep writing it! Until next time!
Is it shadow and bone? or maybe the wheel of time??
Nope, sorry that's not it. Good guess though!
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the jinxed S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Borus is following Shadow, he’s taking over different parts of the Light Kingdom, and he won’t stop until all of the Light Kingdom has been conquered, until everyone is under the order of Lord Shadow!
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - There’s a sentence in the beginning that reads as “Borus growled under her breath” and I think that you meant to say “his”, but that’s just one little thing.
Chocolate Bar - You do a good job of making this prologue rich with detail, it feels alive and real! I like how you describe everyone’s appearances and how you described Borus taking over the village of Dixi, it really shows how evil he is. I also think that the detail about his purple eyes being orange once was really interesting because it shows that he probably wasn’t always evil, that Shadow might have corrupted him…
Closing Graham Cracker - All in all, a very intense prologue that definitely sets the scene for the other two chapters later on. I enjoyed reading this! I don’t know where you got inspiration from, but I’m pretty sure that it’s a Netflix show (correct me if I’m wrong).
I wish you a fantastic day/night!
Good guess on the inspiration. I have to ask though; what Netflix show do you think I got my inspiration from?
Good Omens?
Sorry, that's not it. Though the show looks interesting, so I'll watch it once I get my Netflix privileges back. Good guess though!
Woah, this was awesome! The atmosphere weighed down so much in its immersion; I could feel the tension mounting with each paragraph. Borus is pretty much a menacing villain, and the portrayal of the raid was excellent regarding its brutality and involvement. The escape of the messenger as well as the emotional aftermath added a great contrast to that dark sequence. Really excited to see how the Light Kingdom will respond... this is just the beginning, but it feels staggering. Bananas-level good.