Cover art for A God Named Sin -- Chapter 1 -- Version 2

A God Named Sin -- Chapter 1 -- Version 2

by SavageRaptor109

Published May 6, 2025

16+ Language Violence

In A God Named Sin

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

A God Named Sin

By Heather Anderson

Chapter I - Fractured Beginnings

"If Adam and Eve were the first two people on earth, wouldn't that make everyone in the world related?" Rylie asked, putting her sketchbook back in her backpack.

"Uhh..." Maia hesitated to respond for a second. "I guess."

"Then everyone is marrying a sibling when they get married," Cherry said after a second.

Cade almost spit out his water as he laughed but managed not to. "What?"

"It would be more like a very, very distant cousin that a sibling," Arres said, not looking up from his math book.

Rylie pushed her lunch tray out of the way to rest her arms on the lunch table. Most her food was still on it, but she didn't like the food, so she just didn't eat it. A few minutes of talking later, the group of friends -- Rylie, Maia, Cherry, Terria, and Arres -- got up to throw their food away. They put their trays up at the dishwasher station and started making their way outside. Rylie ruffled her golden amber hair, which was in a short, Korean leaf hairstyle. It was very messy hair, but Rylie liked having this hairstyle. She only cut her hair short because she hates the feeling of hair rubbing against her neck. Even if her brother had gotten a little upset because he could no longer braid her hair, she was happy with it.

As the group of 5 were walking, there was suddenly a flash of white light that blinded them, and the floor felt like it disappeared from beneath them. Rylie could feel air whipping past her for a second or two before she hit something solid -- the ground. She heard a loud crack from somewhere and a sharp, burning pain erupted in her leg. It caused her to cry out in pain and tears involuntarily fell from her eyes and down her cheeks. For a minute, all Rylie could think about was the pain from her leg. But as her vision came back to her, her thoughts shifted.

The first thing she noticed was that she was no longer in her school building. She couldn't see much, through her tears, but she was able to make out that her surroundings were green, like plants. Rylie blinked her eyes and wiped away the tears in them with the back of her hand. After that, her vision became clearer, and she was able to better make out her surroundings.

Rylie was surrounded by trees and plants. The trees had dark bark and leaves, and were massive in size, almost like redwoods. The plants around her were lush and green, and there were lots of brightly colored flowers and berries on lots of them. The sounds of animals and running water filled Rylie's ears through her hearing aids. Rylie was shocked, confused, and a bit scared. As she tried to sit up, she felt a burst of pain from her leg that caused her to groan and close her eye as a few more tears fell from them.

When Rylie opened her eyes again, she looked down at her leg, only to quickly look away a second later. Her tan pant leg was now red with blood. She didn't even want to look at the rest of her injury and she felt like throwing up. She sat up again, but this time, she felt a weight on her back. She looked and saw her backpack was still on. Then it clicked that she still had her phone, and she could call for help. She took off her backpack and pulled her phone out of her back pocket, but her heart dropped when she saw the screen was shattered and many pieces were broken off.

Then Rylie heard a sharp snap of a stick. A noise that made her tense up in fear and panic. Her head shot up and she looked around quickly to find the source of the sound. She shoved her phone into a side pouch on her backpack, even if it was useless now. After looking for a second, she saw a figure -- a person -- approaching her. She couldn't see them very well at first but could slowly make out their features after they got closer.

Based on their body shape, Rylie guessed they were male, and they looked normal for the most part. He looked to have a well-toned body and was wearing a deep gray outfit that looked like a uniform. There were lots of black bags of varying sizes hanging from his shoulders and his belt. There looked to be weapon sheaths on his belt too, but Rylie couldn't be sure. He had black hair that loosely framed his face and looked slightly unkept. His eyes were a deep blue in color, like Rylie's own eyes, and had very small bags under them. His skin was slightly dark, like someone of Asian descent, with a few darker spots around his fingers.

But, the man also had wings. His wings were large and looked like a bat's wings and were a deep blue in color, folded neatly behind him. He also had a demon-like tail that was the same deep blue and trailing behind them. A pair of horns coming out of their head were also the deep blue color and looked almost a foot long.

When the man got within a couple feet of Rylie, they paused and just stood there, staring at Rylie. Rylie looked up at the man with wide, fearful eyes. What and who was this man? His eyes moved up and down her, like they were examining her. After a few seconds, he spoke.

"Well, I'll be damned to the abyss. That's a human," the man said. His voice was deep and young, with a bit of a hiss to some words. He spoke like he was talking to himself while examining Rylie.

Rylie looked at the man with confusion. There were still some tears lacing her cheeks and her eyes from the burning pain in her leg. "Ummm... Hello...?" Rylie said after a second.

The man jumped slightly when Rylie spoke, his eyes widening as he stumbled back, his wings unfolding for a moment in surprise. He nearly fell down but caught himself. "You... You can speak?" the man asked, sounding shocked.

"Yes...?" Rylie responded, unsure of why the man was so surprised by her speaking. The man looked at her, his tail slowly shifting from side to side. He was silent for a moment, then spoke up again.

“How…? I… Humans were said to not be able to speak Va’Lerian…” he muttered, a look of confusion and curiosity on his face.

Rylie paused, confused by the man’s confusion. Va’Lerian? Humans not being able to speak? What was going on?

"Va'Lian...? I'm speaking English," Rylie said.

The man looked puzzled for a second before they stepped closer and examined Rylie closer, his eyes scanning her over once more. He knelt down next to her and looked closer at her face. “English…? What… What is that?”

“A language. The one I’m speaking now,” Rylie said, feeling very confused and anxious.

“No. No, no, no. You’re speaking Va’Lerian,” the man insisted.

“No I’m not, I’m speaking English,” Rylie repeated, growing a bit frustrated.

The man huffed, his tail twitching back and forth in agitation. “No, child, you are speaking Va’Lerian. We do not have or use anything called English. You are speaking our native tongue.”

“No! I’m speaking my native language, English,” Rylie insisted, starting to think that maybe this man was perhaps not all there.

“Child. You are not speaking your native tongue. You. Are. Speaking. Va’Lerian,” the man repeated, speaking slowly and firmly. Rylie felt a little bubble of anger welling up in her.

“First off, I’m not a child. I’m 15. Second off, I know for a fact that I’m speaking English! I’m not speaking ANYTHING else!” Rylie said, unable to hide the frustration and exasperation in her voice.

The man sighed heavily, looking at Rylie with a combination of bewilderment and irritation. He put his hands up, pressing his palms together and resting his chin on them, taking a deep inhale. The action looked like he was deep in thought. After a moment, he spoke again.

“Fine, young lady,” he said, emphasizing the word ‘lady’. “I see we are not going to get anywhere arguing about this.” He shifted a little, adjusting his position slightly.

Rylie felt herself relax just a bit, happy that they were seemingly moving on from the language debate, at least for now. The man continued.

“So tell me, how did you get here, human?” The man asked, cocking his head slightly to the side and narrowing his eyes. Rylie hesitated, unsure of how to respond. And why had the man called her ‘human’ like it was something strange?

“I… I don’t really know,” Rylie admitted, some of the fear and anxiety returning to her voice.

The man nodded slowly, seeming to be processing what Rylie had said. “Hmmm, I see. What about this?” The man gestured to her injured leg.

Rylie’s eyes drifted down to her leg and she winced at the blood-stained pants. “Umm, I think I must’ve hurt it when I fell…?”

The man hummed, a thoughtful look on his face. The man then reached out suddenly, and Rylie caught glimpse of claws on the ends of his fingers as she flinched back in fear, but the man quickly grasped her injured leg, gently pulling Rylie towards him. He then quickly pulled up her pant leg, examining the wound. Rylie winced in pain, letting out a soft whimper. She couldn’t help but look down to see just how bad the injury was. Her stomach turned a bit at the sight of the bloody, torn skin. A deep gash ran across the front of her lower leg, still bleeding steadily. A bit of white could be seen sticking out of the wound, probably bone. Rylie felt bile rising in her throat at the sight.

The man clicked his tongue and muttered something under his breath that Rylie didn’t understand before finally looking back up to her. “Seems to be a bad one. I can’t help you here, so I’ll have to take you with me.”

Rylie’s eyes widened. “Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Rylie said, trying to pull her leg away from the man’s grasp, only to cry out in pain as she moved it.

The man looked a bit confused, holding her leg still. “What is it? You need to come with me to get that tended to before it gets infected.”

“But I don’t even know who you are! What makes you think I’m just going to go with some random… creature I just met?” Rylie said, feeling panic start to rise in her chest.

The man blinked in surprise, as if he hadn’t expected Rylie to resist. “Well, my dear, I’m afraid you don’t have much choice in the matter. Unless, of course, you wish to bleed out here and die,” he said matter-of-factly.

Rylie paused, processing the man’s words. He was right, she didn’t have much of a choice unless she wanted to risk bleeding out in the middle of this strange forest. Rylie sighed, resigned.

“Alright, fine. But you’ve gotta explain some things to me on the way,” Rylie said, looking the strange man in the eyes. The man nodded, seeming satisfied.

“Very well. If that is what will ease your mind, then so be it,” the man said. He leaned in and carefully scooped Rylie up, being mindful of her injured leg. Rylie winced and let out a pained whimper, but didn’t protest further.

The man picked up Rylie’s backpack, looking at it for a second before slinging it over his shoulder. He then turned and began making his way through the forest, Rylie cradled in his arms. As they walked, Rylie couldn’t help but wonder just where this strange encounter would lead her. After a few seconds, Rylie broke the silence.

“So… What’s your name?” Rylie asked, looking up at the man carrying her.

“My name is Xevik. Xevik Bluekeep,” the man replied, glancing down at Rylie before looking back up at the path ahead. “Yours?”

“Rylie,” Rylie replied. “Rylie Westland.”

Xevik nodded, his eyes scanning her over once more. Rylie felt a bit self-conscious under his gaze. She then spoke up again.

“And what exactly are you?” Rylie asked.

Xevik chuckled softly. “I’m a demon.”

“A… demon?!” Rylie explained, eyes widening in shock. “But you don’t look anything like a demon! They’re supposed to be these scaled, horned, evil-looking creatures!”

Xevik laughed, a deep, rumbling sound. “Oh child… You are talking about devils.”

“Devils? But there is supposed to be one devil — Satan.”

Xevik looked down at her, giving her a questioning look. “I do not know of this ‘Satan’ you speak of.”

Rylie felt herself becoming increasingly confused and overwhelmed. “H-how can you not know about Satan?! He is the devil, the ruler of hell!”

Xevik shook his head. “I’m afraid I don’t know of this ‘hell’ or ‘Satan’ you are speaking of. You’ll have to explain more as we walk.”

Rylie huffed, already feeling drained by this conversation. “Satan — the devil — is the ruler of hell, where all the evil and sinful go after they die.”

Xevik hummed thoughtfully. “That sounds like the abyss. And Legion. Maybe you have just heard folklore mixed with truths.”

Rylie blinked up at him, even more confused than before. “The abyss? Legion? What are you talking about?”

Xevik gave her a small smile. “Legion is the ruler of the abyss, the King of the Damned. The abyss is the realm where the most wicked and corrupt of souls go when they die. It is indeed an unpleasant place from what I’ve heard.”

Rylie thought about this new information. The abyss, Legion, it all sounded so foreign but also oddly plausible. Maybe Xevik was right, and they were just talking about the same thing. She just decided to drop the subject for now. After a few more minutes of walking in silence, Rylie broke the quiet again.

“So, where exactly are you taking me?” Rylie asked, her voice hesitant. Xevik glanced down at her.

“To Valence,” Xevik replied simply.

“Valence? What’s that?”

“An army camp for the Light Kingdom Army.”

Rylie blinked in shock. “An army camp?! You never said you were taking me to an army camp!”

Xevik chuckled. “I thought it would be obvious. I’m wearing the Light Kingdom’s uniform.”

Rylie looked down at Xevik’s clothes, realizing that it was kind of obvious he was a member of something because of the uniform.

“Oh…”

Xevik laughed lightly. “Don’t worry, Rylie. The people at the camp are good folk, and they’ll be able to tend to your injury properly. They won’t hurt you.”

“You sure?” Rylie said, giving Xevik a side-eye.

“I’m sure. Killian wouldn’t allow it.”

Rylie looked back up at Xevik with a quizzical look. “Who’s Killian?”

“Killian is my unit’s captain,” Xevik replied. “He’s a good man, though, he can be a little gruff at times. He’s the one who will make sure you are cared for.”

“Are you sure I can trust this Killian guy?”

Xevik smiled down at Rylie. “Yes, I’m sure. Killian is an honorable man. He would never harm a being unless necessary.” Rylie sighed, resigning herself to the fact to the fact that she didn’t really have a choice in the matter. The pair fell silent again as they continued through the forest.

At one point, Xevik suddenly stopped and raised a hand to his lips, signaling for Rylie to be quiet. Rylie held her breath, wondering what was going on. Xevik than started walking again, moving quietly through the trees. Rylie looked around, wondering what could have caught Xevik’s attention. Then she saw something in a clearing near them, that Xevik seemed to be trying to avoid.

The something looked humanoid, but at the same time it clearly wasn’t human. It had black skin — but not African black, more of an inky, charcoal black. A long tail swished behind it, two black horns like Xevik’s curving from its head. It had claws on its hands and feet, and red eyes that glowed faintly. It was laying on its stomach, looking to be resting. But it was watching Xevik and Rylie move past the clearing. Its eyes were wide and alert, its expression blank, making it really creepy looking.

Rylie shuddered, wondering what that thing could be. Once they passed it Xevik let out a quiet breath.

“Dark Spirits…” Xevik murmured under his breath. Rylie looked up at him quizzically.

“Is it dangerous?” Rylie asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

“Not when it’s alone,” Xevik replied in a low murmur. “But they can easily call for their coven. I prefer to avoid them when I can. I’ve seen what they do to their prey.”

Rylie nodded, deciding it was best for her to stay quiet. They didn’t encounter anything else unusual on the remainder of the walk.

Comments & reviews · 2
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Ravena
Review
Ravena wrote a review Review · May 8, 2025

Hello, My Friend!

Pleasure to meet you! My name is Raven, and upon spying this piece in the Green Room, I’d like to review it using my personal review style, the Familiar method! Let’s dive right in, shall we?

What The Black Eyes See
~ A full analysis and breakdown


Wow! What an absolutely rollercoaster of an opening chapter! Such a casual and fun lunchtime session between school friends, before a sudden warp to an alternate world of demons, dark spirits, and potentially devils?! An alternative language that may or may not be English, an army of the "Light Kingdom," and the eerie-sounding abyss ruled by Legion (super cool name btw!). Let's get into the details though.

Plot and Pacing: Very good! Fast-paced, but not so much that we're just totally lost. The transition from normal school stuff to...whatever this world is certainly felt very sudden and was captured well. There were some points I was almost wondering, "is this too much of a lore dump for a first chapter/meeting?" But I mean, I was never confused or overwhelmed—apart from the obvious questions this chapter evokes (like how Riley got here). So, I'd say it's good!

Descriptions and Setting: Brilliant!!! The descriptions for the characters, and the setting Xevik finds her in, were very nice and detailed, painting us some lovely mental imagery. I also LOVED your attention to body language and expressions throughout the characters' interactions. Very well done!

This isn't a critique, but an optional tip for descriptions, especially when covering things like the transition from school to woodland—I think a few sensory notes would really make them pop. Smells are especially immersive, for example... "The typical stuffy air of polished linoleum floors and sub-par cafeteria food had been replaced by a fresh earthy breeze, scented only by moist soil and decaying leaves." These can be a very powerful tool for settings, and readers usually love them! ;)

Characterization: Ooo, where to begin? First of all, I was really enjoying the group of friends in the beginning. Their banter felt very typical for a high school friends, definitely relatable in a charming way. I'm already curious if others from the group will be dropped into this strange world.

Riley keeps up the pattern, very typical high school girl—not in a tropey or obnoxious way, but a way that adds a bit of realism to her character.

As for Xevik, what a cool guy! Not too big on boundaries, it seems, but he still had the decency to work with Riley, answer her many questions despite clearly getting frustrated, then carry her back to camp to help her. I wonder if he'll be an important character, maybe even a duotagonist...

Grammar and Wording: Very good! Especially for an opening chapter that leans on the longer side, I'm amazed by the writing quality! There were a couple of tiny potential typos which I dropped in the next section, plus a recommendation for one little description. Otherwise, great work!

Where The Dagger Points
~ Some nitpicks and little recommendations


Not much to put here at all! Let’s break it down…

"It would be more like a very, very distant cousin that a sibling," Arres said, not looking up from his math book.


I think there may be a potential typo. "That" looks like it should be "than" here.

She only cut her hair short because she hates the feeling of hair rubbing against her neck. Even if her brother had gotten a little upset because he could no longer braid her hair, she was happy with it.


Another potential typo, or minor break tense. Where it says "hates" there, but the rest of the description is in past tense (so it looks like it should be "hated" with a "d" instead).

His wings were large and looked like a bat's wings and were a deep blue in color, folded neatly behind him. He also had a demon-like tail that was the same deep blue and trailing behind them. A pair of horns coming out of their head were also the deep blue color and looked almost a foot long.


This one's kinda nitpicky, but the phrase "deep blue" or "deep blue color" is used a bit repetitively here. Maybe to cut back, either saying something like (for example), "He also had a demon-like tail trailing behind him, and a pair of horns that looked almost a foot long, both the same blue hue." Or even omitting color until the end and saying "all the inhuman traits were deep blue in color."

That’s all! And of course, this is just my opinion, and I am no professional, so please take all this advice with a grain of salt. This piece still rocks as it is!

Why The Grin Widened
~ My reactions, theories, and favorite parts


Ooo, it's a bit too early for theories, but I am so, so curious where Riley will end up! Will the demons treat her well? Will she find her friends? Hm...

As for some reactions and what stuck out as I read...

"If Adam and Eve were the first two people on earth, wouldn't that make everyone in the world related?" Rylie asked, putting her sketchbook back in her backpack.


I wanted to put the opening line in here because man, it made me laugh! Immediately captures attention and immerses you in the setting.

As the group of 5 were walking, there was suddenly a flash of white light that blinded them, and the floor felt like it disappeared from beneath them. Rylie could feel air whipping past her for a second or two before she hit something solid -- the ground. She heard a loud crack from somewhere and a sharp, burning pain erupted in her leg.


Wow!! What a wild and rapid change! I was genuinely shocked when I read this part! Your head just starts spinning—is this a car crash? Explosion? Magic or the supernatural? Dimensional ripping? Ooo, on second thought, these may still be possible explanations...I sense theory material here >.>

When Rylie opened her eyes again, she looked down at her leg, only to quickly look away a second later. Her tan pant leg was now red with blood. She didn't even want to look at the rest of her injury and she felt like throwing up.


I love the touch of realism here. I mean, most average people, especially a high school student, would have this reaction lol

“How…? I… Humans were said to not be able to speak Va’Lerian…” he muttered, a look of confusion and curiosity on his face.


This was totally bizarre—is Riley actually speaking a different language without even realizing, or is Xevik speaking English under a different name, also unaware?? Huh! That aside, I also enjoyed the worldbuilding. Language is definitely a big and key element of it!

“Fine, young lady,” he said, emphasizing the word ‘lady’. “I see we are not going to get anywhere arguing about this.”


Hehe, I mean I know he just said it to pacify Riley, but the way it's said makes me detect a bit of sass or cynicism. I very much enjoy either of those traits in a character ~

“My name is Xevik. Xevik Bluekeep,”


That is SUCH a cool name!!!!

“Not when it’s alone,” Xevik replied in a low murmur. “But they can easily call for their coven. I prefer to avoid them when I can. I’ve seen what they do to their prey.”
[/quote]

Ooo, I wonder what the lore behind these dark spirits is...The fact that they travel in "covens" is also a cool detail. Yay, more worldbuilding!

Our Mad Thoughts...


Overall, that was an incredible opener! I would definitely love to see more of this story, if you have plans to continue. In the meantime, nicely done! :D


Thus concludes my review. To leave off, here are some inspiring quotes, courtesy of your resident Poe freak ~

"They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night."
"Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.”
"I would define, in brief, the poetry of words as the rhythmical creation of Beauty."

Thanks for that review. I'm currently in the process of rereading my chapters to edit them and add/take out things. I'll make sure to take these into account.

Ravena replied · May 8, 2025

You're welcome! You did great on this chapter :D

creeperfeverdreams wrote a review Review · May 7, 2025

Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!

Shalt we commence with the jinxed S’more?

Top Graham Cracker - One minute, Rylie is eating lunch with her friends. The next minute, she’s walking home from school and ends up in some odd dimension where a demon named Xevik finds her and takes her! However will she get home? And what on Earth is going on?

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I have no recommendations to make as of right now, but if you wish to edit this, then you may.

Chocolate Bar - I love how you described Rylie’s pain when she finds herself in a forest and sees her injured leg, that feels realistic as to what would happen. I also enjoy the sort of sibling-like relationship between Xevik and Rylie (their language debate was funny lol). I think my favorite part of this chapter would be Rylie and Xevik talking to each other because I can already tell that they’re going to have some interesting interactions later on.

Closing Graham Cracker - Rylie is being taken to Valence, where she will be tended to. Xevik seems to have taken to her well, but how will the other demons react to her? What will become of her later on? And most importantly, will Rylie be able to come home? I’ll have to find out later, in the next chapter.

I wish you a terrific day/night! ^v^



“Though lovers be lost, love shall not; And death shall have no dominion.”
— Dylan Thomas