Virus 76

Dr. Henry Bartholomew walked slowly across the corridor, Glock in hand, creeping across the bloody floors. A virus outbreak had happened at the place. It was any normal day. Dr Henry had been jotting information down on a clipboard when suddenly screams and gunshots cried out into the early morning. Apparently, test type E-46 had merged with test type B-29, two substances which weren't supposed to mix, creating a superhuman megacreature which was only know as Virus 76.

It was 6'4, with four huge arms, legs like tree trunks and a small brain, becoming basically a mutant. The creatures were easily killable, but in numbers could devastate. Dr.Henry knew they were easy at first, but eventually would mutate to take more shots. Henry knew that six or so shots could bring them down, but he was currently not trying to exterminate them, he just wanted to escape. He looked around the left corner to find... a dead end. Despair hit him in the face like a bad test score. Then, he noticed another scientist laying on the floor. Dr. Henry walked over, raising the gun, in case their was now human mutants. But he was merely unconscious. Dr. Henry sighed, then noticed a open vent shaft, with the vent cover dangling down. Perfect. There was also some crates next to the scientist. He quietly moved them to the shaft, grabbed the scientist, and put him in the vault. It was a suction vault, one of the newest breakthroughs in modern technology. Dr.Henry caught a smile. 2035, and the biggest invention is a suction vault.....

Meanwhile, the scientist's body hit the floor with an bolt. He seemed to come to. Then, Henry crashed beside him.

"OH! Henry! Jeez man, where are we?"

"Not so loud, Percy!" Henry shushed angrily. Henry pointed to a sign saying 'Block 2' Percy nodded, and grabbed a nearby shotgun, which a dead mutant had been using. "Traumatized yet?" Percy asked casually. Henry gave a sideways look at Percy, as they walked down a corridor. "No, not yet" Henry responded calmly. Percy nodded, but then stuck out his arm to pull Henry back against a wall. A gaggle of mutants walked past, grunting and sniffing. Eventually, they were gone, and they continued onwards. They could see a stairwell waiting to take them to Block 1, then to freedom. Percy pushed open the door, sticking the shotgun forward. Disaster. A mutant was napping in the corner. Henry raised the Glock and fired softly into the head. Surprisingly, he didn't wake up. But the sound was loud. But nothing came. Still, Percy noticed a silenced gun laying on the floor. He picked that up and finished of the mutant scum. No bullets left in it though. They went upstairs, to find another scientist. Cowering, behind a box. He seemed shocked to see them. "H...hh.hh.hhhhh Henry? and.... and.... PpppppPercy? How...... how In the world..." "We don't know either, Martin." said Percy kindly. "Well we've got to get out of here! I couldn't cause of that great brute." "Do you have a gun?" Henry responded. "My dear boy, if I still had that rifle I'd be long gone. I have no bullets." Percy and Henry exchanged glances. Obviously they were going to save him, but they needed more proof to tell the rest of the world. "Come on, Martin. Target the enemy, as you always say." Martin smiled.

They made their way out to the main hall/entrance. No mutant in sight. They couldn't believe their eyes. The dead everywhere, more mutants than anything. It was like if they got bored, or needed to settle an argument, they would kill each other. Walking slowly, like they were in a Pet Shop Boys video, they walked out the doors, out to freedom.

AFTERMATH

Dr.Henry was saved. He became a national treasure, and is currently a loving dad of three.

Percy caught a form of mutant cancer. He is recovering, with little side effects.

Martin Targett went to Wales. The three still stay in touch, but Martin wanted to pursue fishing.

PPS

I have nothing against the Pet Shop Boys, I absolutely love them, darling

Comments

Points: 0
Reviews: 10

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Sat Mar 18, 2017 3:00 am

Shootingmoons wrote a review...

Hey! I really liked the concept of your short story. It makes me really excited to see a fellow thirteen year-old writer on here as well. Anyways...

The way you formatted your dialogue was really choppy, and a bit of a mess, so do keep that in mind in the future next to you're typing on this website. The way it was formatted was overwhelming and hard to read.
Also, the characters speaking to each other was a bit sloppy as well...

'"Traumatized yet?" Percy asked casually. Henry gave a sideways look at Percy, as they walked down a corridor. "No, not yet" Henry responded calmly."

Maybe add a little more... feeling to it. Instead of just saying, "he responded calmly," add a little more pee-zaz to it!

For example: "No, not yet," Henry responded calmly, the echoing footsteps of the two men giving Henry an uneasy feeling.

Also, keep in mind to use correct grammar, that will really come in handy for the future.

Other than these critiques, I really liked your short story. I apologize if I came off as rude in any way possible...

Keep up the good work RossLighting!

RossLighting says...

Hey ShootingMoon! Cool to see another 13 year old, theres not many on here!

I didn't expect the dialogue to turn out all choppy like that, really annoying. Oh well.

I felt that if Henry was calm, it would add a bit, but your sentence was great, I should of used that. Thanks.

Thanks for the great review

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Reviews: 235

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Thu Mar 16, 2017 2:55 am

inktopus wrote a review...

Hey, RossLighting! Storm here to do a review, so let's jump right into it!

I first have to note your formatting. I can't imagine you intended for it to be this way, but I really would recommend you fix it. It's quite a mess and it makes it hard to read.

Dr. Henry Bartholomew walked slowly across the corridor, Glock in hand, creeping across the bloody floors.

This isn't a bad starting sentence. I would say to try to immerse the reader more into the story, but overall, not bad.

A virus outbreak had happened at the place. It was any normal day.

So in the first sentence, you say that a virus outbreak happened, and then in the next, you say that it had been any normal day. It clearly wasn't a normal day! I understand what you wanted to say, but it doesn't work here because you contradict yourself.

It was 6'4, with four huge arms, legs like tree trunks and a small brain, becoming basically a mutant.

There are good ways to describe things and bad ways to describe things. Laundry lists, like what you used here, aren't good ways to describe things. You want to integrate your description into your writing to make it feel more natural and less obvious to the reader.

Dr.Henry knew they were easy at first, but eventually would mutate to take more shots. Henry knew that six or so shots could bring them down, but he was currently not trying to exterminate them, he just wanted to escape.

You use 'Henry knew' twice in a row, which isn't great, but you also are spoonfeeding your audience the information. It is more engaging for readers to have to think about the characters and interpret their body language and thoughts. You don't have to dumb it down for your readers.

He looked around the left corner to find... a dead end.

Okay. Ellipses and I do not have a great relationship. I don't like them. But they aren't necessary here. They add nothing and are literally a waste of space. Ellipses should only be used when absolutely necessary, which, in my opinion, is when someone trails off while speaking.

2035, and the biggest invention is a suction vault.....

Again with the ellipses, and you used too many here. You only need three.

"H...hh.hh.hhhhh Henry? and.... and.... PpppppPercy? How...... how In the world..."

Holy moly, that's a lot of stuttering and ellipses. You don't need that much. Please, don't do that again; it's just overkill.

There were major pacing issues in this. It was far too short and rushed. Your tiny 'aftermath' part was just strange, and in my opinion, lazy storytelling. Your description was not bad overall, but you had some strange metaphors that didn't fit with the story you were trying to tell.

By the way, I've seen your replies to the other reviewers and I have two things to say. First, being tired is no excuse for lazy writing. Second, take reviews graciously. People take time out of their days just to read and critique your writing. Many of these people are very experienced, talented writers, and you could learn a lot from them.

Pm me or reply to this review if you have any questions. I'm always happy to help.

~Storm

RossLighting says...

Thanks for the review, i'll go through it

Firstly, did not know it would turn out like that

Secondly, yes, it was a normal day, virus outbreaks happen all the time, its very common

Thirdly, I didn't know that was a 'laundry list' and I think its fine, but whatever.

Fourthly, i'm not trying to dumb it down, I didn't even think that I used it twice in one go.

Fifthly, I think it adds to the suspense a tiny bit. So yeah.

Sixthly, it was only five. Seriously not that bad.

Seventhly, I was trying to go for what skylnn was saying.

Finally. I am deeply offended. Lazy writing?! Its not lazy writing, it covers up major plotholes in this story! It wasn't that rushed. I wasn't even trying to rush it! The metaphors I thought would link with the average 13,14 year old! And taking reviews graciously? How do I not? I like when people post reviews, but most of the time they seem to just critique me, and give very little compliments.

-Ross

inktopus says...

I'm sorry that I seem so harsh in my reviews on your work. I want you to get better, and you don't get better when all you are given is compliments. If you want nothing but compliments, I don%u2019t think YWS is the place you should look. This is a website that really values constructive criticism, so you should expect the flaws in your work to be pointed out here. If you want, I can link you to several reviewing threads that can teach you what a review is and what should be included.

RossLighting says...

I don't want nothing but compliments. Im just saying, I get next to none.

inktopus says...

I think that you would get more compliments if you actually took the advice you were given. People don't like to give compliments where they aren't due.

RossLighting says...

Omg. I do take the advice, I just forget it and not do it.

inktopus says...

So you don't take the advice. If you forget to take the advice, then you don't do it. Here's a good source for learning how to review, especially if you don't know what to do or say. The YWS Critique Sandwich

deleted5 says...

Ross, Storm gave some good advice. It's okay to be critiqued because it helps you improve.

RossLighting says...

i know, alex, but I was just saying. That's all.

Points: 31500
Reviews: 561

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Wed Mar 15, 2017 9:22 pm

Atticus wrote a review...

Hey there RossLighting-
Just had a couple of quick suggestions that you can ignore at your leisure, but I'm gonna drop them here nonetheless. Feel free to ask me for any clarification or questions or correct any of my misconsceptiosn by either PM or replying
That said, here are a few pointers I have:
1) "Dr Henry had been jotting information down on a clipboard when suddenly screams and gunshots cried out into the early morning." I feel like this is really rushed into the story. I get that it's a short story, but nonetheless I feel that a few more sentences describing the setting and the characters would help the readers place this in its proper context
2) "Apparently, test type E-46 had merged with test type B-29, two substances which weren't supposed to mix, creating a superhuman megacreature which was only know as Virus 76.

It was 6'4, with four huge arms, legs like tree trunks and a small brain, becoming basically a mutant. " How does he know this considering he's only heard the screams of others?
3) "Despair hit him in the face like a bad test score. " Quite frankly, this is a poor metaphor. I would recommend changing this
4) "n case their was now human mutants." This is grammatically incorrect. The correct way of saying this would be "In case there were now human mutants"
5) "Dr.Henry caught a smile." Do you mean fought? Or if you mean caught, caught from whom?
6) "Percy noticed a silenced gun laying on the floor. " A silent gun? What do you mean by that?
7) "Obviously they were going to save him, but they needed more proof to tell the rest of the world." Prove what?
There was a spacing error in here that you would want to fix
9) "The dead everywhere, more mutants than anything" This is just one example, but I noticed that throughout you had a lot of fragments. A few are okay, but I would try and have some less choppy sentences for the sake of a clear flow
10) "He became a national treasure" Don't say treasure. Say hero. It's just better.

Overall great story, and although there were some errors, I would just fix the few things I pointed out and then your story will be an entertaining and fun read. Great job on this- the plot made sense and the characters were, for the most part, believable. Generally, I think I mostly commented on your use of words because sometimes there were just better options or the language you used made it unclear what you were trying to say. Good luck on your writing!

Best wishes,
MJ

RossLighting says...

Thank you for the review, im going to go through everything.

Firstly, yes, it's rushed, but I wasn't sure what to do.

Secondly, he knows this because he's seen them.

Thirdly, well sorry, but it is a good metaphor, so i'll keep it

Fourthly, I must of been tired and not focused. I didn't look over it.

Fifthly, I just used a different word for smiling. That's all.

Sixthly, you know suppressed guns? Guns that make less sounds to help on stealth missions?

Seventhly, prove to the world that they weren't lying, by having three scientists they had some ok proof.

Eighthly, fragments, yes, I didn't know it would do that in the publishing center.

Tenthly, no, he didn't become a hero for stopping mutants, he became a treasure.

Once again, thanks for the review.

Atticus says...

Sorry if I'm missing something here, but I wasn't accusing you of anything. I was trying to just give you a hand, so it's totally fine with me that you don't want to make some of my suggested changes. But don't feel obligated to defend your writing.

Points: 2620
Reviews: 81

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Tue Mar 14, 2017 7:46 pm

skylnn00writes wrote a review...

Droppin' a reviewww.... all of these are suggestions. You don't have to listen to me :smt001

A virus outbreak had happened at the place.

I hate reading and saying these words so I apologize but... show, don't tell. You stated later in the paragraph about the two substances merging and what it created, and then how it created a virus. I would just take this out completely.

The creatures were easily killable, but in numbers could devastate.

Small rewording, "The creatures were easily killed, but could devastate in numbers."

I'm liking this story so far. The whole plot and idea is cool. I just want to point something out that stuck out to me. You are kind of listing things in a grammatical way. This happened, then this, follow by this. It's like you took a numbered list and took out the numbers. It's very fast, so slow it down. Give some scenery details, more about the character and how they feel. Where are they? A lab? A hospital? A basement in their mom's house? Specify. Give a little fluff. More sentences won't hurt the story.

Meanwhile, the scientist's body hit the floor with an bolt.

Not sure what you meant here, but "an bolt" isn't correct.

Henry pointed to a sign saying 'Block 2' Percy nodded, and grabbed a nearby shotgun, which a dead mutant had been using.

Punctuation is key. You need something after 'Block 2' whether it is a period or a semicolon. Also, another rewording that I would do, "Percy nodded and grabbed a nearby gun from a dead mutant.

Another thing I want to highlight, underline, bold, and italicize. Your spacing. It might be the website, maybe you copied it wrong from somewhere and you didn't realize what it did, maybe your space bar isn't working... I don't know. There is just a lot of unnecessary space that I feel you meant to separate into paragraphs. Just look over it, preview it, find where the spaces and gaps are, and just delete them. No biggie.

"No, not yet" Henry responded calmly.

P for punctuation! Wooooo! Ok, comma after yet, since the phrase is incomplete.

Eventually, they were gone, and they continued onwards.

I personally do not like the word onward but if you want to use it, that's up to you. Just take out that s.

Henry raised the Glock and fired softly into the head.

Personal descriptive problem that I'm gonna take up. I cannot speak from personal experience, but I don't think that you can softly fire a gun. Maybe try using a different word.

But the sound was loud. But nothing came.

Fragments... big big big problemo. English is tough, especially grammar wise. Combine these two if you want, so it reads, "The sound was loud, but nothing came."

No bullets left in it though. They went upstairs, to find another scientist.

Sentence structure is hard. The first sentence is another fragment, while the second is a comma splice. No comma needed there. As for the first one, "There were no bullets left in it though."

Cowering, behind a box.

No comma.

"H...hh.hh.hhhhh Henry? and.... and.... PpppppPercy? How...... how In the world..."

So just a couple small things. For the stutter you may want to out "H-H-H- Henry? And, and, P- P- Percy?" Opinion, up to you. I just found it a little weird the way it was written. The in for "how in the world" does not need to be capitalized either.

"Well we've got to get out of here! I couldn't cause of that great brute."

"I couldn't cause of that great brute." What? I'm sorry, I just don't know what this means. Maybe you should rephrase that.

PPS

I have nothing against the Pet Shop Boys, I absolutely love them, darling

Not quite sure what this last part is, whether it's part of the story or not, but you are missing a period at the end.

Summary: Nice! Pretty cool story. I like how you tied up the loose ends in the end with telling the reader what happened to every character. It was just a little confusing towards the end with what happened. I mean, there is no specific setting, so where is freedom? Up some stairs, again in their mom's basement? Did they somehow just save the world by hiding? You just need more base for your plot. Some more fluff, again as I said before. Biggest things were spacing and your sentence structure. It can be tricky and I mess up a lot too, but that's why it's good to get another pair of eyes on it.

I hope this review was helpful! Let me know if you need any help with clarification, and if you need anything else reviewed. My PM's are always open! :smt001

RossLighting says...

Thank you for the review, im going to go through them all

Firstly, i'm not going to take it out completely.

Secondly, I could use that rewording.

Thirdly, I meant to put 'jolt' but I was probably quite tired.

Fourthly, some spacing was meant to be there. I think im not thinking what you are thinking, so maybe im wrong.

Fifthly, I cant see how there needs to be a comma after yet, it should just be a full stop.

Sixthly, I find onwards a good word.

Seventhly, your probably right, but I like the idea of a soft sounding gun.

Eighthly, there was a comma needed there.

Ninthly, it needed a comma. It sounded better, cowering, behind a box. With a pause.

Tenthly,(whoo, you wrote a lot) Yeah, I wanted to do that but didn't, I wasn't sure, oh well.

Eleventh, another tired mistake. I think I was trying to say I couldn't escape with that great brute.

Twelfth, just a disclaimer if anyone gets triggered.

Thank you once again for this amazing long review

skylnn00writes says...

No problem, hope I was at least some help. These were suggestions from me trying... I need work on my editing :/

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Virus 76

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