Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
(WARNING: THIS IS THE FULL STORY. YOU WILL NEED TO TAKE BREAKS. CONTUINE.)
I WILL BE SERIOUSLY WORRIED IF THIS DOESNT GET LITERACY SPOTLIGHT.
YOU DONT HAVE TO REVIEW THIS. A COMMENT IS FINE. OR DO. BUT IT WILL BE LONG.
The time machine whirled into life, as the cameraman got out, and stepped into 2288 AD. His name was Cameron Briggs, and he hated this Dystopian-like society that was currently his world. For whatever reason, the so-called Government had banned photographs. "Photographs were now only for rare occasions, like a party or a celebration. NOT A CASUAL SELFIE!" they had made clear. One man had been caught taking a selfie, and was promptly grabbed by the neck and thrown into a car, speeding of to the hated jail, the only jail left in the world. Broadmoor II. People shuddered as they heard the name. Cameron hated when people talked about it. His dad had been in Broadmoor II for five years for the simple 'crime' of throwing an uneaten croissant into a bin. Cameron remembered how his mother had wept at the time. He shook his head, and got out the machine. He quickly concealed the camera in his bag, and walked off casually. A few people glanced at him but no-one said anything. He was known around the area for being a criminal's son, but was respected for his good college degrees. Cameron had never been able to work that one out. He finally arrived at his shabby little home. It was built to hold three people but held five. Himself, his girlfriend Rosemary, his friends Rufus and Mak, and Mak's friend Jones. Everyone got on well with each other. Jones was a new addition to the household, he'd fallen on some hard times and was sleeping with a sleeping bag on Mak's floor. Cameron and Rosemary had the big bed which was made by a carpenter. Rufus, never complaining, slept on a hammock, saying it relaxed him and gave relief to his bad back. He reached into his pocket, pulled out a key, and turned it in the door. With a creek, the door opened gently. He shouted 'I'm home!' up the stairs, and Rosemary walked through the door to the living room, kissed him on the cheek and asked 'How was work?'
Cameron smiled. 'Fine. Got some images. We can give these to the museum and they will pay us lots. This will help pay for not only the bills, but Rufus's leg operation.' This was a time when the hospital was no longer 'free' for everyone. No one had used the word 'free' in so long they had forgotten what it meant. It was either pay, or do it yourself. (20/3/17. Cont on from same day, 10:43 to 11:10.
Rosemary smiled. 'Darling, that's great of you, but Rufus keeps insisting that he pays for the treatment. Do you think he has enough?'
Cameron looked concerned. 'I doubt it. If he had money he would be at university, trying to get into his dream job.' Rosemary gave a frown, and Cameron hurriedly carried on. 'But, with the money we get, we can give the extra to him, then hopefully he can find a job and the rent will be a little easier.' The Government had also forced through a law that every person who was injured was not allowed to go into work. Pretty normal sounding, right? No. Every person who is injured is fired from their job for it is their fault for injuring themselves. If someone else injures them, the matter will be looked into. It had been drilled into the people's heads. They all knew what it meant. Rosemary smiled, kissed him again, and walked off to do some chores, while Cameron smiled and shook his head, and walked upstairs to his room.
Chapter 2: Cameron's Room.
Cameron and Rosemary's Room was a large, open spaced room with a nice, beige carpet, so soft that even the sands of the Desert felt as soft as this. The walls were a chalky white color, and Rosemary insisted it needed repainting. A white desk with a cabinet was next to the wall, on it, Cameron's laptop, with the charger plugged in. He walked over and checked the laptop. 62 per cent charged. Satisfactory. He put his bag down under the desk, grabbed his well-worn chair, and set about the task of uploading the pictures to his computer. He opened up one of the cabinet's draws and pulled out a wire. He connected it to his laptop, then to the camera. He started copying the necessary images across. Next, he crouched down under his desk, and put the printer's plug in the socket. Printer's were monitored from a series of networks throughout the Government, but this one had been specially built not to. He press the power on button and it obediently whirred to life. Cameron sniffed. He smelt fresh rose petals and noticed some roses in a vase on his desk. He smiled, and sustained a tear from falling. He sat back down on his chair and waited for the pictures to finish copying...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Dude! Dude! Dude, wake up man, its done! In fact, it was done ages ago.' came a voice from the other side of the room. Cameron lifted up his head. Their, behind him, was the friendly face of Mak. Mak had long, sandy hair which was currently tied up in a ponytail. He was clean shaven, and smelt of new deodorant. He raised a graffiti-covered arm, and waved his hand. Cameron raised his hands from his sleeping position and greeted him.
'Hey man. I was out like a light, huh?' 'Yeah, it was sooooooo funny dude! Hahahah, you shoulda seen the look on your dope ass face!' Mak kept rolling around on the bed laughing, and Cameron couldn't help but smile. Eventually, Mak calmed down, cleared his throat, and got up.
'So, yeah, how was work?' 'Oh fine, I got the pics. Wanna take a look, my guy?' Mak contemplated. 'Sure, man, I've got nothing else better to do.' (starting from and, 21st, 6:52 pm to 7:30, I was gone) (starting from then, 22nd, rip the dead of Westminster, 6:29pm-6:41) (9:39-10:24. Jesus.)
Cameron and Mak walked over to the computer and Cameron sat down in the chair. Mak leaned down and grabbed some paper, and put it in the printer. It was the Pyperion Supersonic Lazer, the fastest printer in known society. Cameron pressed print and instantly the pictures came flying out of the printer, with mini wings holding them up. He then looked at the pictures in admiration. He then said to them 'Go, my son, and deliver the mail.' The paper wings took of, going to the black market.
Chapter 3- Roberto.
'Damn, its hotter than my girlfriend in here. Mak, why don't you open a window?' Mak looked sideways at Cameron and then obliged. He could hear someone calling outside. Cameron groaned. It was Roberto. Roberto was the son of the town owner Gomesindo Calarzo, the Spanish lord. Roberto was given the job of tax collecter. Everyone thought this was old fashioned, but no one dared say It to Roberto's face. He was a tall man, with a small moustache on his upper lip, and a scar on his face, running from his forehead to close to his eye. Fortunately for Roberto, he had not got his dad's stutter. Gomesindo had a permanent stutter, and stuttered after every t, or every r. It was a private joke among the poor. But, right now, Roberto was collecting tax. Two bodyguards were by his side, with the latest in warfare, the PM9-687. An infinite shotgun. No-one knew how that was possible, but this was 2288. Roberto looked up at the windows and began his call.
'Townsfolk! Ring up! Pay your boss the money you owe! That's 100 krypton!' Krypton was the money. It was made from the recyclable substance discovered in 2199, known as Beheem. It seemed like it was endless.
Groaning, the townsfolk came forward. They moodily put their money into the bucket, and it got so full that Roberto's cheese-like arms couldn't hold it, and the muscular guards grabbed hold of it. One man nervously approached him. He couldn't of been younger than 60.
'Rob...Roberto...' he stuttered, mumbling very minutely. Roberto looked down at the peasant.
'Yes?' he sniffed with an air of 'Go away. Your poor. I could catch the poor.'
'I... I....I...'
'Speak up.' Roberto snarled in a dangerous voice. The man looked terrified.
'I... cant pay.'
Deathly silence. Roberto looked to one of his guards, who nodded slowly. He pulled out his gun and shot the man in the leg. An uproar occurred. One man ran forward into the crowd and shouted 'No!' pulling out his gun, the Revolver J4. Nimbly, the man shot the first bodyguard in the head. He fell with a crash, sending shockwaves to the civillians. Everyone was covering, some were recording with their IPhone 78s.
The other bodyguard hadn't reacted yet, just fell back and stumbled. Roberto grabbed his gun and fired a few shots at the man.
'Go! Take the money!' he roared. The bodyguard grabbed the money and ran to the waiting truck. The man gave a swift roll and fired directly at the bodyguard. It hit him square in the back, the money flying up in the air, and crushing his head. Roberto screamed. He fired again, but the man nimbly rolled behind a stall. Grabbing a pear, he threw it at Roberto's eyes. He screamed, as he was deathly allergic to pears. His face started to swell. He turned and ran, while procuring a cure to the swelling from his pocket.
The man silently put his gun in his pocket, and started talking.
'Hi. I'm Marcus McConnahey. There's gonna be a few changes around here. Sound good?' and the townsfolk rejoiced, as it was the best news they had heard in 25 years.
(started from He, 23rd, 9:39-10:08, but I was talking with a bitch.)
Chapter 4: Marcus and The Law.
Marcus's new rule over the small town of Liverpool was greatly changed. Liverpool had become a shanty town, but with Marcus's rule he ordered the taxes should be used to buy something called 'breeze blocks' to build the houses with. Under his rule every generally saw their quality of life improve. They even built a gate to a block of the manor house. A few times though, Roberto, red and puffy, would return with more bodyguards, but the people were armed this time. They sneaked around the corner, grabbed two guards from behind, and strangled them until they were unconiscous. Then, they opened fire on the guards. How Roberto was not dead yet no-one knew. He was rumoured to be hiding up at an old mill by the manor house, thinking up a scheme to get his town back, but no-one knew when he would strike.
A day later, the towns errand boy, a small 13 year old Braziilian known as Lukas came running into the town square, shouting 'A quest! A QUEST!'
People stuck their heads out the window to see Lukas running down the street, with what looked like a parchment in hand. Everyone got dressed moodily, as it was 7:30 am, some came out in their dressing gowns.
'Townsfolk! I have a message from Gomesindo! Gather round, gather round!' he cleared his throat loudly.
'Townspeople' (started from Townspeople,27/3. 7:28-7:56)
Have you all forgotten your loyal leader? Your heroic, daring, funny leader? Don't you recall when I saved that baby from the blazing house? Don't you recall when I set up an orphanage? If you remember the good I did, let me lead you again, and it will be better.'
The townsfolk had heard his pitch a hundred thousand times. He would make them remember his deeds, and they thought that those things hadn't happened, and that it was two other townsfolk that had let that happen. But then a Spanish lad named Estaban stood up and reminded them that it did happen. 'In this day and age, your minds have developed at a faster pace, more time for learning, less time for remembering.' They knew this to be true, but they were sure that the heroic deeds Gomesindo had mentioned had not happened. The people started to riot, and Marcus had to come in to calm them down.
'People! People! Everything will be fine! If he does attack us for not going to his side, I have made that we can quickly get out of here. I showed some mechanics some blueprints and I have helped build something. It's nearly done. Don't fret.'
Within hearing his words, the townsfolk were relieved, but Cameron still wasn't sure. He was waiting in the crowd, and was inclined to believe what Marcus was saying, but he felt that Gomesindo was sure to attack, whenether we sided or not. When he confided his thoughts to Rosemary, she nodded and said 'Babe, I hope not.'
Chapter 6: The Rise
It was a bright, sunny day. July 14th. At 2:35 pm, they heard a horn blow. Everyone raced outside and Marcus checked the front. On a horse, there he was, old and fragile, Gomesindo. He was there with about 50 odd men all armed with shotguns. He looked unhappy. Marcus nodded to another young lad named Tiago, who nodded and rushed off to get Marcus's plan is action. Apparently, according to Tiago, while he set it up, Marcus would buy some time for us.
'Marcus! You have not responded! Most unacceptable.'
'I didn't know we only had one day.' he remarked casually.
'I'm pretty sure I included that on the letter. No?'
'No. It says-'
'I know what it says! I wrote it, for hell's sake!'
'Allright, allright, calm down.'
It went on like this for 15 minutes, but that was all the time Marcus had estimated they would get. That's when Gomesindo came to a decision.
'Marcus. Ask your people. Do you side with me?'
Marcus turned towards the townsfolk. Cameron's heart was beating so fast. He looked over at Mak and Rufus, who were holding each other with a look of fear on their face.
Marcus asked people to raise their hand if you wanted to be with Gomesindo. Only 171 people voted. Then Marcus asked for against. 298. Then any votes in abstention. Only 22 people. Marcus turned back and sighed.
'No, Gomesindo.'
Gomesindo sighed. But then his sigh turned to anger.
'ATTACK!'
The fifty odd men stormed at the gate with their horses, holding a long battering ram, preparing to smash the wooden gate down. The first time they failed, and had to go back.
'EVERYONE!' called out a frantic Marcus.
'GET TO YOUR HOMES! HOW ISNT TIAGO DONE YET?'
But then, the ground shook and the city suddenly sprung up into the sky, and zoomed away.
Gomesindo stared. His eyes were as wide as tennis balls. He got off his horse, and started stomping the ground. After, he sent two men to inspect the hole.
Chapter 7: Why?
Rumors had been spreading bitterly around town, as they had nothing else to do. For starters, why had Tiago taken so long? He was Portuguese, and he was thought to be friends with Gomesindo's grand son Dimitri. But people argued back that Tiago was a good budding mechanic, and for a 14 year old, reacted quite fast. Another rumor was that the Spanish in town were in league with Gomesindo, and could be feeding him vital information through messages. The Spanish, people said, should be kicked out. A massive uproar was unleashed, and the town was divided into two sides. Cameron, meanwhile, was staring depressingly out a window. The funds for Rufus's leg had came ages ago, and he was slowly walking again. But that wasn't enough. Because of Marcus, he was now in an unknown place, with the town in disagreement and racism everywhere. Sure, he was still in Liverpool, but it no longer felt like home. A thought did come to him. If he killed Marcus, surely that would end all the problems? They had been a peaceful little shanty town, with the occasional disagreement, but nothing major. They were just there. And Marcus simply came along and turned his life upside down. He had heard rumors that Marcus had ruined other towns as well. The whole of Russia, someone said, were looking for him for starting a race war against the Bulgarians. He knew he shouldn't trust Marcus. So he set up a secret group, the Free. The Free worked to make things better by removing Marcus. A few dozen had joined, and a meeting was held every sunday. He was inspired by reading a tattered book he'd found on a junk stall. It was call Nimal Arm. He read one of the sentences and saw that they had meetings every Sunday. Inspiration was key. He called it in for a day.
(starting from The, 28th March, rip club penguin 4:01-somewhere around 4:30) (stared 10:03 pm-
The next day dawned with a simple ray of sunshine, with a few birds tweeting in a soft melody. Cameron got up, stretched his arms, and opened his window, looking down on the Victorian like Square, and then a thought you can only get in the morning occurred.
'If that was the Victorian era, what era is? Do we even have a ruler of the world? A king? A queen? I should check up on that.'
Cameron smiled gently, remembering the dream he had last night. He had dreamed he had made a group to kill Marcus. Or was that real? He decided that if it was real, death seemed a little extreme. He walked downstairs, Rosemary greeting him with a small kiss, and Jones showed him the latest newspaper. Cameron studied it.
'GOMESINDO PROMOTES RECAREDO ATENCIO TO RANK OF ARMY LEADER'
'PORTUGAL ATTACKED BY UNKNOWN- RUMOURED TO BE BULGARIA'
Cameron sighed. The headings were getting worse and worse each day. He walked outside, and went to talk to Tiago. Tiago had agreed to overthrow Marcus. Tiago saw himself as a born leader, and decided he should help. Cameron didn't know what to do at that point.
'Yo! Tiago! Over here, el loco!' Cameron rarely spoke another language but it seemed fitting. Tiago dragged himself over to Cameron.
'You called?'
'Yeah. I think we need to start get someone powerful's help.
'Like who? We don't know anyone powerful... expect Marcus.'
Cameron considered. He remembered the newspaper. Recaredo. Why did that name sound familiar? Cameron shook his head and tried to remember.
'One sec, Tiago.'
Cameron was thinking. He was thinking hard. Then, a sudden jolt in his memory made him remember that he and Recaredo were friends when they were younger. They should still be friends now.
'Tiago! You read the news?'
Tiago looked unsure.
'Uhhh, yeah. The, uh, new military leader?'
'That's the one.'
Tiago nodded. Cameron quickly explained that Recaredo was his friend, and that they could get in touch. Gomesindo wanted Marcus dead as quickly as they did.
Cameron pulled out his IPhone out of his pocket and dialed his number. They had exchanged numbers a little while back, and had decided to talk in secret. The phone rung, and he and Tiago waited patiently. Finally, Recaredo answered.
'Cameron? Is that you?'
'Recaredo! Good to hear you! Congrats on your promotion!'
'Why, thank you, I wasn't expecting that big of a promotion myself.'
'Anyway, Recaredo, we called you for a favor.'
That took Recaredo's interest allright. He licked his lips gently.
'We? Who's we?'
'Never mind that! We'll tell you later. The plan is' he dropped his voice to a whisper 'we want to overthrow Marcus.'
Upon hearing this, Recaredo was quite shocked. He had been making regular reports to his boss Gomesindo about possible locations. He swallowed, and continued talking, more slowly. '
'Should I tell Gomesindo? He could help' suggested Recaredo.
Cameron looked at Tiago, who nodded. Cameron agreed, and the plan was set. Recaredo had asked Gomesindo for help, and surprisingly, he had agreed. Gomesindo would assemble his troops to send in supplies secretly, which could be used to help overthrow Marcus. Recaredo had also given enlisted Cameron with the help of his vice leaders Kei Clayton and Tomas Gil to help Cameron. He, Mak, Rufus and Tiago met with them. Only Cameron and Tiago appeared to trust them. Mak and Rufus knew that if Marcus was killed, life would just return to what it used to be. Which was very bad. People agreed that Marcus was a resilient bastard, but he was better than Roberto. No-one, not even Recaredo, had seen Roberto.
(started from were, 31st, 9:34-9:51, continued from 9:52-break until 10:01-11:03. What can I say, I was full of ideas.)
Chapter 8: Plot 5
Plot 5 was ago! Jones was at the lookout point.The binoculars were around his neck, and he picked them up and was watching Recaredo walk into the city. He was calmly walking towards the mechanic's shop. He knocked on the door twice with one hand, twice with the other, the signature knock. Tiago opened the door and nodded. He went inside. Jones picked up the walkie-talkies and reported it to Mak.
'Mak, standby. Get the lookout point in Tiago's workshop ready.'
Hurriedly, Mak scampered to the lookout point, and watched through the binoculars, in case it wasn't Recaredo. However, everything was going to plan. Recaredo handed Tiago a package, and walked out quicky. Mak picked up the second walkie-talkie.
'Rufus, come in. Recaredo's going to meet Kei Clayton, the vice leader, remember? Get to the lookout point! Quickly!'
Rufus was already there. He was barely checking the binoculars until the mechanic shop's door opened, and Recaredo stepped out. He'd discarded his disguise cloak. He walked stylishly over to Kei and started talking to him. They nodded, and Kei went inside the nearby inn they were at. Recaredo glanced sideways twice, then slipped out of town. No one was any wiser.
'Rosemary! Kei's going to the inn, where he's setting up the plan. Tomas, the other vice leader, should be inn the room. Ha-ha! Geddit?'
Rosemary sighed, and drank more of the rum she had been sipping. She noticed Kei come in, nod at her, and go upstairs. Tomas was by the stairs and nodded at him, and they both went upstairs. Rosemary pulled out the walkie-talkie quickly.
'Everything's fine, Rufus. Report to the others.'
''Roger that.'
Rufus then repeated that they had got back safely, and the next person added it back with a little more flavor this time, changing the story ever so slightly. Even they were not sure why.
Chapter 9: Plot 6
Kei had called for a special meeting in the inn room. Mak arrived first by bicycle at 10:30 am sharp. He shook hands with everyone and started playing with his phone. Rufus arrived a few minutes later at 10:45 am, who had walked there. He nodded at everyone as they came in. Jones arrived at 11:00 am, and sat down on Kei's bed. The room was quite small, so they had Jones and Rufus sitting cross-legged on the bed. Finally, Cameron had arrived with Rosemary, at 11:15, cramming into the small room. They sat down on the chair together, Rosemary on his lap. When everyone was finally here, Kai cleared his throat.
'Friends! It has come to my attention that we are nearly ready to attack him. I do not speak their name in hope of no-one overhearing us and 'snitching.' We completed Phases 1-4 very easily. Phase 5 went very well as well. But Phase 6 will be harder. We need to set up the traps that will lead to his death. But who is going to do it? Tomas here has planned that after all the traps, someone rushes forward and pushes him. Whoever does will push him off. If they fail, we need a backup. Someone who has done all the jobs. And the thing is, today's the day we do it. So tell me. Who's volunteering?'
Everyone looked at each other. No-one wanted to do it. They had dreamed of killing Marcus, but they found themselves rooted to the spot. Kei growled angrily.
'No-one? I thought you were better than this-'
'Kei, please.' Tomas raised his hands in silence.
'I'll do it. I'll push him. But who's the backup?' Tomas looked around the room and once more, no-one put up their hand. Tomas's mouth curved into a deep sneer.
'No one? Kei, you were right. Why are we helping them?'
Kei shrugged. 'No matter. I'll be backup. Right. I make this 11:35. Mak, take the pepper spray trap. Set it up so it sprays at the eyes. It will momentarily blind him, which allows Rufus's trap of a rope to trip him up. He will get up, and Tomas will push him. The rest of you? All guards must be dealt with. Kill them, or don't, I really don't care. Alright, move out!'
Everyone scurried out of the room. They all got in a limo which Tiago had managed to provide for them. They drove to the miniature 'palace' and got out. They all went behind the car, and Rosemary pulled out her silenced dart gun, putting the outside guards to sleep. Kei and Tomas went forward, going to his bedroom on the third floor. Meanwhile, just as they sneaked round the corner, two more guards came forward. Rosemary reached to fire when only one fired. She was out of ammo. One guard dropped down, but the other noticed, and with lazer-fast reactions. He got behind cover and started shooting. This was the least they wanted. Meanwhile, up top, on the second floor, Tomas stopped Kei and pointed down. Kei sighed, muttered 'amateurs' and shot his dart gun at the guard.
Meanwhile, back down below, the guard had fallen. The motley gang seized the chance to push forward to set up the traps. They went up the same way as Kei and Tomas did, and just saw them go up to the third floor. They were going to hide behind some pot plants. Meanwhile, Mak and Rufus snuck up to set up the traps. Once the traps were set, everyone went to the stairwell to peek out at what was happening. Jones knocked on Marcus's Chinese door and Marcus opened.
'Yes? Yvette, was that you-
But he could not react fast enough, as the pepper spray sprayed into his eyes, and he tripped forward, falling over the rope. He got up unstably, and Tomas charged forward like an angry bull. But by a mere chance, Marcus swung round the other way, just as Tomas was going to grab him. Tomas ran clean off the edge. He fell down with an arc, turning so he caught one last glimpse of Kei. Then Kei screamed, and charged forward, grabbing Marcus, and jumping over the edge. But by fate again, Marcus's scrabbling hands caught on to the edge. Marcus had regained his sight, and said In the most cruel, bitter voice-
'Go join your friend, you piece of Welsh trash' and he kicked out at Kei, who became stunned and fell, falling in an arc, falling into the abyss below.
Chapter 10: The Great Escape
Everyone was shocked, frozen to their feet, as if they had became a tree. Marcus looked over to see the group, standing as still as Snowmen, caught in the act of attempted murder. He growled, and the group ran. They ran so fast, and so far, like they had just seen Usain Bolt charge down the 100m sprint, and hastily threw themselves into the limo. Jones pressed his foot down so hard the limo went powering off.
When they had gotten away, the limo stopped. They all looked at each other, shocked and depressed. They may of not liked Kei and Tomas too much, but they had been helpful. What were they going to say to Recaredo? Sorry, your friends are dead? It was still bright as day in their minds. The way Tomas charged at Marcus would remain in their minds forever.
(1/4/17, 6:36-7:43pm. God I am good.)
Chapter 11: Marcus
It took Marcus an entire day to decide what to do. He came in his armoured truck to the town he owned, got out the car, and pulled out some quick-acting steroids. His muscles instantly became bigger. He then reached into his car, and pulled out a minigun. He smiled.
The minigun's bullets tore down the wooden gate in seconds. Too late, the people realized what was happening. It was a massacure. Men, women and children ran for their lives in all directions. People started up cars, opened doors and let anyone in. Some drove straight at Marcus, trying to flatten him. Others exited the city's back entrance. The most it had been used all year. Marcus just kept firing, only stopping to reload. He walked forward slowly, destroying buildings and people. But then, silence. Everything was quiet. He could hear no cars, no screams, nothing. That was probably because a young scavver called Ben had snuck up behind him and stabbed a knife into Marcus's head. Marcus fell gently. Then, nothing.
People started coming out the rubble to congratulate young Ben. Cameron counted, and it appeared that 147 people were killed. They had a moment of silence.
After a few minutes, Cameron asked in a soft voice-
'Now what?'
Tiago stepped forward.
'We go to Gomesindo and Recaredo. They'll give us the money. Then, we'll go and find somewhere new. Or rebuild this dump.'
Everyone stared at Tiago. Then Cameron seemed to come to a decision.
'No. This town's been through too much. But lets put it to a vote anyway.
'Who votes to leave? Stand by me!' roared Cameron.
Lots of people went over to Cameron, and it was obvious who had won. There was a few who couldn't decide as well. Cameron smiled broadly, and cleared his throat, about to give a speech.
'Friends! Me, Rosemary, Mak, Rufus, Jones, Tiago, are going to go to Gomesindo's palace and get the reward money! The rest of you I propose should be led by Ben. Ben, take this walkie-talkie and tell us when you find a suitable place.'
Ben looked startled.
'What if I don't find a suitable place? What then?'
'Find a place to stay the night. Okay everyone, grab your things and get out of here!'
The people obeyed. They went through the rubble to collect their belongings. Fortunately, scientists had invented, in the year 2279, the Personal Object Keeper. When sprayed, the object, if burned or destroyed, WOULDNT be destroyed. Very useful. It was given out free from the Government. One thing they'd actually done right, the people thought with remorse.
The townsfolk quickly exchanged goooooooodbyes, the new trend, and set off. Meanwhile, Cameron and his gang set off, and made a point to arm themselves before going. They went into the town's ammo shop. They took a few modern shotguns and modern pistols. Tiago even specially armed himself with a wrench from his garage, and a specially made sniper in the store. He felt part of the gun; the gun felt part of him.
And so they set off, making for Gomesindo's palace, walking gently along the bloodstained yellow road to freedom.
Chapter 12: Gomesindo
They arrived three days later. They had hitched a ride for the last leg on the back of a pickup truck. Driver must of been thick as a nut, remarked Rufus loudly.
They knocked on the huge brass door. It was so huge, two giants could of stood on top of each other and they still wouldn't be able to fit through. Gomesindo was trying to create a Wonder of the World, Rufus joked, but it was TRUE.
The door opened. A guard in a smart red and yellow striped down uniform came out. Cameron looked at the nametag. Lieutenant Webster. He saluted them, and spoke in an unmistakable British accent:
'Evening, chaps. What can I do for you?'
Rufus was meant to be doing the talking, but he was taken aback on how polite he was. He cleared his throat hastily, and said:
'We have a meeting with Gomesindo. It's urgent.'
The young guard raised an eyebrow. He grabbed a clipboard and scanned the list. He looked up, and smiled widely.
'Your on the list! Come right in, sirs and madam.'
Webster led them through the main hall. Everyone was looking round them. There was propaganda posters everywhere. 'Down with Bulgaria' or 'Russia Rules' and even 'Argentina are our friends'. They were shocked how quick people turned on each other. They had always been on good terms with the Bulgarians, but now, it appeared the whole nation of Spain hated them. Cameron sighed, as Webster pushed opened the throne room door.
'After you.'
They nodded, and went in. The room was dark and foreboding. They shuddered at the cold. There was only one light, and it was coming from a spotlight, focusing on Gomesindo.
'Bloody Diva' Webster muttered.
Cameron bravely stepped forward.
'Gomesindo! Marcus is dead!'
Everyone in the room was shocked. Marcus cleared his throat.
'Prove it.'
Cameron snapped his fingers and a coffin came flying into the room. Gomesindo got off his chair, the spotlight moving when he moved, and opened the coffin.
'Yeesh. He got messed up pretty bad. That's disgusting, you horrible people. Bloody hell. Is that a knife? Oh my god, you really are shit at killing people aren't you?'
'Well, we'll just go then.' Cameron turned around, facing his group.
'Oh, no no no! Come back, I'll make the deal!
Cameron turned back around. He looked around the room and asked gently
'Where's Recaredo?'
'Hmm? Recaredo? No idea. He's gone somewhere. Webster! Go look for him!'
'Yes, sir!' and with that he was gone.
Gomesindo raised a white eyebrow.
'How much did we agree on? Oh yeah, the Krypton Maker gun. Infinite krypton for life.'
Cameron stuck out his arm to receive it. Gomesindo laughed.
'You think I carry that on my person? Do you take me for a fool? Why would I carry that rare beauty?'
Cameron shifted uncomfortably. He tried to force through a smile.
Gomesindo seemed to accept that. 'Alas, let's get it.'
Everyone looked so hopeful. This would set them for life. But then, something seemed to change in Gomesindo's mind. He frowned gently, then decided what he must do. He was about to rule.
'Sorry. I've decided you were just my puppet. All along, you painfully tried to kill him for nothing in return.' he giggled evily 'Roberto!' and then he came crawling into the room.
He had changed. He was no longed respected. His clothes were in tatters, and he seemed to be at a point of a breakdown. He didn't raise his head, only said:
'You called?'
;Get the guards on these fools.'
Roberto raised his head. He saw who it was. He opened his mouth, and did the unthinkable.
'N-n-no. You do it. I'm done. I-I've had it.'
Gomesindo raised another eyebrow.
'Fine. Guards! Kill everyone! Expect for me and the guards and my people. I want Roberto dead.'
(Started from 1/4/17 10:28-10:43) also (2/4/17, 7:08-7:12, and then till 7:38, when it is done.)
Chapter 13: Covershot
Chaos. Everyone was covering behind the stone pillars, firing, while the other side returned fire. It was boring. Each side didn't appear to be running out of bullets, and only one person had died. Roberto had ran off so fast you'd think he was running from bulls. He had not been seen since.
'We need a different plan!' shouted Mak.
'No shit, Sherlock!' Gomesindo shot back at him.
'WAS I TALKING TO YOU? NO. YOU ARE IRRELEVANT. PISS OFF.'
This seemed to give Gomesindo the power in his aged legs to make a run for it. He ran, and in the distance a bomb exploded. Bulgarian fighters were rushing forward, killing the Spanish people. This opportunity gave the gang to run up the stairs Roberto weren't up. Amazingly, they stopping shooting when they passed. Most of them were British, and the Bulgarians were still friends with them. After going up the stairs, they ran round the side and thrust themselves into a room. Rufus checked the room to see if anyone was there. They all sat down for a minute, catching their breath as the Bulgarians took over.
'What-what do we do?' Mak said in a terrified voice.
'We wait. The Bulgarians will take over. Then, we sneak out. They might try to kill us. They don't know what nationality we are. They could kill us, even though we are friends with Bulgaria. Let's just wait here. It will be fine.'
An hour later, they still hadn't moved. Tiago had had enough however. Arming himself with a nearby shotgun, he went outside. That was half an hour ago. Rosemary finally broke as well. So did the rest of them. Going outside the room, they looked over the railing. The main hall was gone. A massive crater was now present in the middle of the room. The spotlight was still on, and was shining at the throne, which was at the bottom of the crater. They could see a few Bulgarians looking into the hole. They shook their head, and walked away. Cameron looked to the side, and saw a trail of blood, with used shotguns shells on the floor.
'Tiago.' he muttered. So at least he was safe. Well, hopefully. They then looked to their right. A computer terminal was there. They noticed a sign next to the terminal.
'Password is 'We are Number One'
Rosemary went over and started typing up the password.
Immediately, a pod flew over. It was big enough for about six people, and room for two to stand.
It was perfect. They got in, and Rosemary typed in the release password. It started leaving without her.
Time seemed to slow down. Cameron stuck out his arm and screamed
'Rosemary!' in a super slow voice.
Rosemary sighed, walked backwards, started running, and made the leap. She jumped with such grace that the Bulgarians pointed up at her, unsure of what to do. She landed, and fell into Cameron's arms. They sat there for a moment, gathering their breath. Then Jones looked down to his side to see Gomesindo and Roberto. They were both holding on to a large pillar, the surface crumbling. They were in reach, but Jones knew he could only hold one of them. Everyone else had noticed them now. Roberto looked shocked, and Gomesindo extended an arm. The pillar was crumbling, and the Bulgarian soldiers were packing in explosive to destroy the pillar. Quickly, Jones made a snap decision. He grabbed Roberto's arm, and swung him upwards, just as the pillar collapsed. Roberto turned round, to grab Gomesindo, but he was too late. Gomesindo fell in an arc, falling, falling into the crater, until they couldn't see him no more.
Jones hoisted Roberto up. He seemed dazed, and relieved, and his clothes looked more tattered than ever. He looked at Jones with a look of amazement in his eyes.
'You... you saved me. Wh-why?'
Jones smiled.
'It was the right thing to do.'
'But...but Gomesindo.. you didn't even try...'
'Why did you try saving him? I knew you were good in the end. You may of been evil from the start, but I think you were acting on Gomesindo's orders, yes?'
'Yes... yes... but...'
'But what?'
'I believe that every life is worth living. Friend or foe, they should live. Gomesindo is a stain on the face of the earth, but he didn't deserve that way to die.'
'But... you still think he should of died?'
Roberto looked down.
'He was a barbarian. Yes? He was evil, a bad leader. A bad person too. He was too far gone.'
Jones seemed sastifed with this answer. He sank back into his chair.
But Roberto wasn't done.
'What's... what's going to happen to me?'
Cameron looked at Roberto.
'I...I've treated... I've treated the townsfolk badly. I can't... I can't go back, can I?'
'No. You can. We'll vouch for you. You will be a useful asset. And the first chance we get, we'll replace those clothes.'
'Thank...thank you. I... I wont let you down, Cameron.'
And from then on, there was a sudden feeling of peace, of joy, as if what they had done was finally out of the way and done with.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ross Evans, 20th March to 2nd of April.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Suggested quotes
'Recaredo? Havent seen him.'
(Cameron enlists Recaredo's vice leader Kei Clayton and Tomas Gil to help overthrow Marcus. The plan fails, and Marcus kills them both. But Kei comes back. Then Marcus finds out the townspeople organized it, kills the town people, then gets killed himself. Then, Cameron and the remaining folk go to Gomesindo for their reward. Gomesindo turns on them and tries to kill them. After a lengthy battle, Gomesindo and Roberto are left falling. On inpulse, Jones grabs Roberto's arm, saves his life, while dooming Gomesindo. That's the plot, future me.)
(Also, in the story, it only mentions the regions Britain, Spain, Portugal, Bulgaria, Russia, Brazil, Argentina, and Wales. Could this mean they are the leading superpowers? It could also mean they are the last remaining nationalities.)
(The fallen throne symbloises the fall of Spain)
(The story is about a unknown country getting recoginition.)
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hello!
I read The Love of Richard Nixon in hopes that it would help me gain a better understanding of the world that's being presented, yet I still walk away from this incredibly confused. Honestly, I can't find a way to link him back to the story other than the photograph that was taken of him, and even then it doesn't seem to take an influential role in any of this. A better title would probably better help represent this novel.
Typically, I find the first 250 words to be incredibly important (the first 250 words could influence an intern to send a copy of your manuscript to an agent, or the first 250 words could persuade a potential reader to pick up your story off of the shelf and purchase it), however the introduction for this sequel doesn't really work for me. The first paragraph alone is 345 words, which made it difficult to digest to begin with. I would suggest breaking down the large paragraph into smaller ones, just for readability's sake. However, it's so confusing in its tone that perhaps reworking it might be for the better of the story.
Green = This part has potential as a beginning sentence. It's actually what drew me to keep on reading. Time travel is an interesting subject, after all!
Red = Show instead of tell. I'd recommend introducing his name through dialogue, so it flows naturally with the rest of the story. In addition to that, there are other ways to show distaste for a dystopian society without calling it a dystopian society.
Purple = It's passages like this that honestly lend into my confusion about the tone of the novel. Is it supposed to be humorous? Is it supposed to be social commentary on any current government in real life? For humor, it honestly falls flat for me; while it is over the top, it doesn't really have a proper build-up in order to make that funny to me. As far as social commentary goes, it falls flat there too. What government is this supposed to be modeled off of? If it's not intended for either of those two options, then I would also like to say that it fails on the serious level too. Even if this is hundreds of years in the future, governments are still sources of authority; statements by the government would typically not be phrased like that.
Orange = How small is the population that there's only one jail left in the world? Alternatively, how big is that jail?
Blue = Cracking down on waste, I see. Government overreach? Honestly, again, this makes me think that this is an attempt at social commentary and humor.
Pink = It's already been stated that stepped out of the time machine.
It's sections like this that are tricky to deal with as a writer. First of all, his girlfriend would probably already know about the museum and the fact that Rufus needs an operation on his leg, so having Cameron say that doesn't make for natural dialogue. However, those are details that the reader needs to know, so introducing them naturally can be difficult. Expanding the section of dialogue between the two of them would help, along with reworking this line.
For instance, he could probably talk a little bit about the images he obtained, then Rosemary could ask how much the museum would pay for them (giving the museum a name would help with mentioning it in conversation, unless it's the only museum), and this could give a realistic introduction into the monetary units known as krypton. (Krypton, named after Superman's home planet? I have to say, I'm a bit confused with this too.)
Every time a different person speaks, a new paragraph must be created. I wouldn't typically bring this up, but there was also an instance of it at the end of the first paragraph.
I'm assuming these are notes on how long it took you to complete writing specific sections? I honestly can't think of other ways that they tie into the story. Editing them out is a good call for the reader's sake.
The museum buys the pictures off of the black market? Huh? Elaboration would be nice.
This work is roughly 7000 words, which is pretty difficult to read it one run. "(WARNING: THIS IS THE FULL STORY. YOU WILL NEED TO TAKE BREAKS. CONTUINE.)" You might attract more readers if this was broken up into different chapters, because people are more likely to devote their time to 1000 word parts, instead of a complete 7000 word chunk.
*collector.
Also, simply put: why? This is about 200 years in the future and yet... taxes are being collected in a method that hasn't been used in centuries? How do they even check that everyone paid their proper share if all of the money is condensed into one bucket? This seems like a perfect system for fraud. It doesn't make any sense at all.
These articles might help with general writing for this story. I know there are a lot, but I think you'll find them useful:
Political intrigue tips
Winning The Battle
Presenting... Your Story
Breathing emotion into scenes
Writing Good Dialogue
Dramatic Structure: The Five Essential Parts of Fiction
Major Revision in Novels
Pacing, and why it is important
Almost every single sentence in this section was the product of convenience.
The buildup is shaky at best. I don't buy this introduction. Again, it just sounds terribly convenient.
As far as being a protagonist goes, Cameron doesn't feel all that present. There are times that multiple paragraphs go by without even mentioning him or his presence, which makes it a bit jarring when he shows up again after being gone for so long. As a protagonist, he doesn't really seem to drive anything. His personality also isn't that strongly established. He has a girlfriend, he hates the government, he time travels... but he doesn't really feel like a fully fleshed out character. He just observes. What type of main character is he intended to be?
Introducing a rebel group and then brushing it off as a dream feels a bit like a copout, rather than a clever storytelling trick. What purpose does it serve other than to waste a few paragraphs of writing? As far as I'm aware, the reader had no way of knowing that the previous paragraph had taken place in a dream. In short: the Free group doesn't make much sense in the sense of introducing it as a dream, because there are other ways to get ideas about stand up against systems you don't like.
As far as I can remember, Recaredo hadn't been mentioned before. Just having a powerful friend appear out of no where in the middle of the story also feels a bit too convenient. I'd suggest working him in there earlier, so that he comes into the story more naturally.
There's a general vibe that I'm getting about this story, where it brushes over and explains a lot, rather than letting the reader experience them with the characters. It isn't really all that engaging to read. Even with the dialogue to keep us in the moment, none of it feels compelling. There probably needs to be more work in connecting your main cast of characters to the town folk and really showing the unrest, really showing the unfairness of the system. There are hints to it here and there, but experiencing it is fair more impactful than just hearing about it in the passing.
A redrafting of this would do some good.
I'm afraid I don't understand. They were just in that room to prove that Marcus was dead. Is there something I'm missing. A better explanation would be nice.
Other than this, I really don't have that much more to say. I do hope that you'll keep on writing and keep on improving! If you think that there are more things I need to expand on myself or if you have any questions, then feel free to ask!
Have a nice day!
-Castor
With some revision this would make a great story, I did try to read it but because you squeezed the chapters into one long essay (posting it as one story) there are major parts in the story that lack detail, for me this makes it hard for me to appreciate the purpose of the story.
For example in the beginning:
You don't go into detail about the society the protagonist is from, as a reader I would want to know the foundational beliefs that created those rules.
The way the chapters are split is random, in chapter one I feel like nothing has happened that contributes to the plot to warrant a chapter before I reach chapter two.
The way Marcus has taken over Liverpool,
Just because the townspeople saw him fight with Roberto and win that does not prove that he would be a good ruler. It proves he is stronger and faster than Roberto and he has better moral principles being ruler requires you to be good at rhetoric which is something vastly different.
I also think that since this scene is pivotal to the story, the drama could have been spread out over more chapters to build climax. (If Marcus was to rule Liverpool you could add more chapters about him winning Liverpudlians over)
It was hard for me to remember the characters whilst reading the story because there was so many characters and there wasn't anything written to make me remember them. I read the first chapter which was from Cameron's point of view then chapter two is about someone else (Marcus) and after Marcus's limelight in overtaking Liverpool I just lose track of what is going on, I think if you are going to include so many characters the story needs to be longer to allow the character and the plot to develop in order to make them more memorable.
I can see you were excited to show this story, and the plot would have been good if you could put more detail into the overthrowing of a bad leader and the nomination of Marcus - I doubt any city or town would nominate someone who is good at fighting unless that person was pwoerful enough to instil fear in that place. The obtaining of power requires hard work, just like writing a good story.
Just like writing a good story. Are you saying the story wasn't good? Did you not read the whole story? Fine if you didn't, but im curious. I realize it was a mistake to write the whole thing in one massiveparagraph, and I wont be doing that again. And who else do the townsfolk turn to? That's all.
no I think your idea is a ambitious one, it is very difficult (for me anyway) to write about countries and their relationships and I think the idea could be executed better. I think the story went too fast and there wasn't enough detail. Yes Marcus can rule that's fine but I thought that he needed the townspeople's support and I couldn't find any evidence of him in the story winning the people's support, (like Hitler even though he turned out to be immoral when people voted for him they voted for what he promised in his speech) I did try to read the whole story yes.