Rene Chuopa-Zenying was a 40 year old Chinese footballer, playing for the club RB Salzburg, and he was currently playing his last match before his retirement. They were up against Spartak Moscow, and were losing 3-1. He was a good goalkeeper, and had been in a number of teams, starting off in Manchester United for five years, then joining Borussia Dortmund when he was 25. From there, he then joined American team LA Galaxy when he was 31. It was the team once great players came to, to retire. Not Rene however. He somehow forced through a transfer to RB Salzburg when he was 36. He had been there ever since. Currently, he had been putting off retirement as he was one of two goalkeepers in the team. The second was a young Russian keeper named Roman Barkowski. Barkowski did not have the experience of Rene, who thought the team might fail miserably with Roman in goal. So he had put off retiring, until recently, he was getting too tired to play. So he decided this was his final game. It was the 81st minute and Spartak were passing it around the back. Rene was bored. He'd often seen games like these, when the end was taking too long. At least the fans had been kind. They were waving banners with stuff like 'King Rene' or 'You are our Legend' and even 'We Love Rene'. He was deeply touched, and shook hands and posed for photographs like any ordinary footballer. He then remembered he asked his kids to check his rating in the new fifa game.
Meanwhile at home, his kids were playing fifa, like any ordinary kids do. They checked their dad's rating and found out he came out as 72. Not bad, but not great. His highest was when he was with Dortmund. 85. Then, they checked Roman Barkowski. 52. His children sighed and began rewatching the game with their mum.
Rene was no longer bored. He was excited. The striker was running forward quickly and effortlessly. Without even taking a look at any other player, he shot, a beautiful shot that hit the crossbar from the inside and fell down. Meanwhile, the keeper had fallen down to try and stop it, but had been left there, annoyed and a mockery.
Rene ran. He ran all the way down the pitch and hugged the striker, as more players came and surrounded him. They were still losing, but there was still hope. Then, a loud voice blared:
Goal from number 24: Romario Willkey!
The game resumed, and Rene had the ball. Even though he was old, he still had strength and speed, and ran so fast, like he was lightning, while the crowd cheered: Re-ne! Re-ne! Re-ne!
The opposition's goalkeeper was so confused. He ran forward to take the ball, but Rene maradonad past him to score. He had done it! The only goal of his career! To make things level!
The blaring voice returned again, full with pride. Time seemed to slow down for Rene.
'Can you put your hands together for today's man of the match: number 1: RENE CHUOPA-ZENYING!''
Rene was filled with pride, and emotion. He collapsed, sobbing with tears of joy, as his teammates surrounded him, blocking out the noise and making Rene the happiest man in Stadium 5.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayy...this is an...interesting start. Its a nice bit of a setup you've got going there and I do enjoy this premise that you're starting off with. It seems like it could be quite interesting, buut, you do have a little too much exposition going on there...and I think that slows the pace of this piece down just a tad bit too much and it makes for a bit of a stunted opening.
Hmm, well it seems this is headed towards a fun place here. The description does once again dip into maybe a little too much detail for it to be flowing as well as it should, but you are describing what seems like a pretty cool plot here and I'm honestly loving the idea of someone playing this final game in their career for once last shot at ending on a winning note.
Ahh this is just a wonderfully wholesome moment to end this piece on here and I adore it. I always love a good happy ending and to see this person on their last match, step out of the goalkeeper position to take the shot to tie it for his team and end their career on a nice high is a wonderful feeling for us as readers and its a wrap on what was a lovely story. Overall, it needs a bit of polishing description wise but for the most part, its a very solid little story here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi, RossLightning! Storm's here for a review, so let's jump right into it.
Information dump alert! Most of this information is necessary to the story, but you state it in such a way that is boring for the reader. Try to space out this information and integrate it into your story so that you aren't just straight up telling the reader this information.
Your first three sentences are all compound sentences that use the word 'and' to link them. This is not very interesting for the reader. Mixing up your sentences will make your writing easier to read and more engaging for the reader.
Most of this information isn’t necessary. Why does your audience need to know the history of his career? I know you may think that this information is relevant, but it really isn’t. As a writer, you must learn to decide what to include and what to keep to yourself.
What does this have to do with anything? I get including it if we had more background. Like if this was a novel and the game had high stakes and maybe had something to do with his family, like maybe if he lost the game his wife was going to divorce him or something. I would understand the inclusion of that scene if there was context like that, but there isn’t any context. It’s just a man’s last game of his career, and you don’t even include any emotions on the kids’ part. If there’s no conflict why include it?
There are more interesting ways to tell your readers that Rene is excited. You could say that his heart rate picked up or his palms started to get sweaty. It’s more engaging when readers can come to their own conclusions about how a character feels than when the author just tells them.
I don’t know much about football (or soccer as we Americans call it) but isn’t Rene a goalkeeper? Since when do goalkeepers play on the pitch? I don’t recall you mentioning it anywhere so it’s quite confusing.
This ending wasn’t too bad. It was a little more show than you’ve done for this entire story, but you could still take it up a notch. I feel like you could have dragged this description out a little more to make his victory a little more powerful.
This was okay. I saw some grammatical errors that you may want to fix if you ever edit this. There wasn’t a lot of plot, but there was a vague storyline which was okay, though I feel like there were better ways you could have executed the premise. You gave a lot of background information, too much actually and when you gave information necessary to the story it was all at once.
Overall, this was a bit of an improvement from your raven story, especially in the plot department. As always, I’m happy to clarify my points or answer any questions you have.
~Storm
Hi Storm, thanks for the review
Firstly, I am seriously offended you would say its boring to the reader. It is not boring, its necessary.
Secondly, I thought people wanted background in the story. There wasn't any in the Raven, but when I put it here? I think it is necessary.
Thirdly, its part of the story. The ratings show, more or less, how good and bad they are in real life. It's meant to prove to the reader how bad they are so they know.
Fourthly, I didn't put much detail into that bit. That was a mistake.
Fifthly, I think a short ending of him being happy is better than a dragged out version.
Sixthly, as I said, people wanted background and I gave it.
Your story starts off just like any ordinary one, introducing us to the character. You’re telling us a bit of his history and a bit of his present. Here, I suggest you cut off some of the unnecessary details or just not mention so many information because I felt a little confused.
The second paragraph could have been longer and focused on how his kids felt when they saw the ratings. The beginning was quite dull, I was hoping for something more detailed since you started with so many info.
Actually, I was hoping for better sentences at the beginnings of the rest of the paragraphs. They are kind of brutally hitting you.
Overall, the idea is great and creative but you should focus more on describing things and emotions. Keep writing! I like your ideas!
Ok Alliicide, thanks for reviewing!
Firstly, i'm not going to cut off any unnecessary details as they may be necessary to me. Sorry
Secondly, It probably deserved to be longer but I wasn't sure what else to put.
Thirdly, I can try to put better sentences, but I cant promise anything!
-Ross