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139,456 Literary Works • 672,567 Reviews
Hey Rosey!
I had read this piece a few days ago, but as I hope you understand; tattooing can be quite the hassle.
Alright, well I guess this is my first review for YWS. Excited! Here we go...
You threw me right into the spiritual world. There was this child in a haze beneath the clouds and shining above is his guardian angel. In a nut shell, the child seems unaware of the presence surrounding him. The angel is struggling with an emotional conflict - He's there for the child and trying so desperately to guide him to salvation, but unaware is the angel as he tries to separate age with awareness. Once the child is aware of the angel; he'll have his victory and age hand in hand.
Then you sort of personify the spiritual being by making him question his own ability.
- "But should something move, something I cannot control, would he still look up to me? Would he follow the path I laid out to Salvation, or would he run in the grass and forget? Would he forget about me?"
This was a very clever skill to bring the audience and the 'being' together. We doubt ourselves as humans all the time. So, for something 'holy' to question his own conscience...and then for us to envision that...combined you have nothing more than a 'hook.' You know, the shiny curve of man that pierces the nature of the world with delicious deceit? Yes, why of course - that one.
Lastly, the end of your prose seems to allude to a higher being. It was almost as if for an instant; perhaps God was speaking through his 'decided.' Maybe God would be the instructor and the angel would be the craftsman. Together, they build our paths to Salvation - and on them, the longer we've traveled the closer the bosom of serenity.
--Overall, I'd say you have an interesting vibe in your writing. I'm not for sure if it's the tense or just the way you deliver your work. However, I must say it was marvelous to be pushed through the door of your mind. Marveling!
---3.5/5
Michael<---
Yo Rosey,
Empathizing with a statue: I'm a kind of sucker for perfect portrayal of characters. Upon reading this, I immediately ask whether you have accurately depicted what the statue might feel. Your aim is to accurately paint the character of a gaurdian angel. Now, in my books, I see a gaurdian angel to be an entity that would watch over the life of the child, but not to independently control the child.
Tense: I'm not quite sure on why you chose to write this scene in the present tense. I think that the past tense befits its reflective nature far better. More often than not, a picture painted of thoughts is more effective in the past tense. It makes the reader feel that the actual feelings of the character are not impulsive and unorderly.
I would think that the statue would be affected my more than merely this one child. What else is this guardian angel looking at? What else affects his presence?
Oh, and just to add, I really enjoyed the imagery in this piece.\
It's been a while since I reviewed anything of yours, so I thought that since I really liked this piece I'd drop in with a quick critique.
To start off with let's just say that I found this piece well written. The poetic and congruent prose that you write this with draws the reader into the scene without question. The awkward point of view is a rather intriguing concept as well.
I do however wish to make a couple of points:
The ideal of control is intrinsically non-angelic. A guardian angel would want to watch over the child without really impacting on the child's life. I would think that unless faced with a true danger to the child, the angel would be content to remain in its statue form. If you want to continue to portray your angel like this, I'd suggest adding in a little bit to elaborate on the angel's motives. Why does he/she want to be controlling?
I think that those were the points that made me really think in the story. I hope that they help.
That's about it
Have a great one!
i kind of thought this was a little pretentious and too self-consciously "deep" or whatever.. if this was me i would relax a little bit and let up on the over-poetic tone. i'm not sure i even know what you're getting at, which maybe makes me stupid or betrays that i didn't spend enough time thinking about your piece. anyway, if you're going to be artistically obscure in the way you obviously have chosen to be, the writing has got to be a little better to keep the reader interested enough to really think of the meaning behind the words. i would suggest finding your own tone that sounds right to you, instead of this very cliched, dramatic one you have adopted. i don't want to be mean or make you feel bad, and this piece is too short for me to even get a real feel for your writing-- but those are my thoughts so far.
Hey there Rosey Unicorn. It's been a while.
Maybe try cleaning this bit up a bit so that it reads clearer (you mentioned the grasping idea later on anyways).
This is a pretty interesting and clever piece. I like how you used statues as a metaphor of one wanting to have/give salvation, but unable to because of limitations that are out of one's reach. I think many can relate to this.
I'm just curious though as to how long this has to be. This could of had been a stronger piece if you had given the narrator more of a persona and to provide the reader more of the narrator's motivations.
To achieve that, think of the following: Statues are randomly crafted from marble, made usually to represent and pay tribute to an idea or a person(s). What does the statue think about being brought to life only to serve this purpose? Why does she think of the people around them? Won't she get lonely and depressed since no one would be talking to her as she's just a lifeless statue to the people (and vice versa).
I think that's what Jetpack meant by having more emotion in the piece. I don't really think that the statue just wants to show the child Heaven. This has to come from somewhere.
But overall, a solid piece Rosey. Good work
Andy.
I like this bit, but would change the opening line a bit, so it doesn't look like romantic fiction. I almost didn't read it.
I absolutely love this line.
I agree with Jetpack. "in" is better.
This is confusing, if you don't know what you're talking about already. I read this twice, once without the knowledge that you were writing from the POV of a painting. The second time it made sense, but the first time I thought that it was from the POV of a dead parent or something... Call me dense, but I would add another paragraph or two elaboritng on what you've already established anyway.
[quoteI only hope this tomb cracks, allowing me to finish the mission I started so long ago.[/quote]
I think this is the line that threw me. I understand now that you are talking about a sculpture now, but another sentence or two would be nice for your less observant and sleep-deprived readers.
I like this, but the 'something' is a little annoying. If he or she knows there is something, how do they know? Have they seen it? If so, why can't he or she come up with a better word than 'something'? You could also cut the 'I know'.
Overall, I really liked this, but I think you should add more stuff on to solidify the scene. It's really short right now, so a few more paragraphs aren't going to hurt you. More description of the boy would be nice too. Other than that, I enjoyed reading this.
See you around!
~Lupis
Hi Rosey!
This will be short, cause your story is rather short and I am not seeing a lot wrong with it. So. here we go.
The only thing that I can really see is you might need to fix is a bit more description of the surroundings. Try to incorporate the way the area around the statue might look more into your perception, to make this a bit richer and help us connect more.
And really, that is all I have to say on the negative front. This is a nice little sketch you have done here, very creative and descriptive. I would say something about lack of plot, but I don't think you intended this to have any plot, so it all evens out in the end.
PM me if you have any questions or comments. Good job, and good luck.
Hey, Jet here. Just a quick review, because this is generally beautifully written. I want to pick up on a few things I noticed just reading through, as it's short. Or is it unfinished?
This is a bit of unfortunate wording, I think, since "to send flying" is generally to "throw", and it's such a colloquial way of saying it. It doesn't fit with the rest of the piece or with "this child", and even if it was deliberately supposed to reference the phrase, I don't think it works. I'd see if you can reword.
Nice image, but I'd go with "in plaster" rather than "by". It just sounds better to me. Not sure what you think, though.
I think you should replace "be" with either a repeated "look up at me", or some description of how he's looking. "Be" is a bit weak at the end of the sentence.
I'd cut "had". I can't explain why exactly, but it feels like you've got conflicting tenses.
Again, a bit of a weak ending there. I don't like "that plan", because it seems to have a note of sarcasm in it that is wrong for the piece. I'd cut "about that plan" entirely, and end on forget, with a question mark.
The tenses are getting me again. I think it's because you're writing in present tense, therefore anything you say in past tense is automatically past, so there's no need for this "had" you keep inserting. I think cut it.
That's nitpicking done with. I like this, though I'm unsure how it relates to empathy. If you wanted us to empathise - I mean really imagine ourselves as this statue - why write in first person and not second? Or I've just misunderstood and you're the one empathising, in first person. Yeah, never mind. ^^
I think you could have done a bit more with the emotion here. The fear that the child will look away is sort of touched upon rather than described, but I don't think you can make this too much longer. Again, I have no idea whether this is finished or not, but the voice you're using is better for short bursts than for elongated pieces. I've written in a similar way before, and I knew as I was writing it that I was overstepping the mark on word count. You can get a few hundred words out of it before the reader starts to get annoyed at your character. At least, that was my problem.
Well, I'll finish there. I hope I haven't completely missed the point. Is there any picture, by the way, to link this to the sculpture? I'd like to see it, but if you'd rather not post it here, I understand, since it would probably influence the feedback you get. Anyway, hope this was a helpful review.