Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,456 Literary Works • 672,567 Reviews
This, good Rosey, is a really marvelous piece.
Let's do some line by line stuff:
I rather like this image as an opening. Specifically the contrasting of the floor and water above that immediately takes the reader into the world, effectively establishing its boundaries.
I do wonder as to the significance of the checkerboard pattern, though its imagery is once again rather effective. The repeated use of "light" is somewhat noticeable. I'd suggest changing the last bit of the sentence to something like, "reflect it again, illuminating the walls." Although the word throwing creates a somewhat different effect, I do believe the word illuminating would sufficiently replace the repetition.
I like the imagery here. Your trigger is rather well portrayed and you have shown the reader something of your personality at the same time.
The repetition of "water" here is somewhat troubling. Also, the use of the semi-colon is rather awkward as it stands. I'd suggest switching the part of the sentence before the semicolon with the part after the semi-colon to deal with this somewhat.
This is awesome. In fact not only is it reminding you that you're in a public place, but it's reminding us that you're speaking of a fantasy. It immediately jerks us out of the setting that you have so effectively established above.
I'm not sure if I like the imagery of taking an eraser to the desk and the coins. It serves its purpose, but an eraser itself is little indicative of the fantasy of your scene. Perhaps try something more related to the ocean like "letting my mind wash away the desk, the coins."
This is great. You've detached the painting from reality completely and allowed it to continue to grow by itself.
I'm not as confident about this bit. You take us out of the image that you've just created once again. In fact if you were to merely delete this line, you would only gain. Allow us to fantasize about the water as well. The final line is enough to hint to us that you're seeing yourself as a mermaid.
Awesome ending. You've marvelously summarized your theme in a single line. I really like this.
Okay, overall I think that this was great. You really allowed us to get inside your character. You let us get into your world as well.
What I'd suggest developing is the other senses. You will not only fantasize from sight, but smell and hearing as well. Developing this aspect would I think add quite a lot to your world that you built so magnificently for such a brief piece.
The other thing I would advise is a little more on the drama front. How about something more than a completely static world. The more dynamic your world is the more we will be able to see of it. Some waves, some fish, something to add to your world above water. You've done well as it is, but I do think there's room for even more.
This surely needs a little work, but you've got something great to start off with.
Have a great one!
Rosey! June here!
Hope that helped.
I meant to review this when you first posted it; I thought I did, but apparently not! Here we go:
Blatant language -
Too much of it here. Your descriptive words are kind of boring-- shimmer does nothing for me when it's surrounded by much more subtle description. I think you need to dramatize your word choice, Rosey-dear, and make the most of your sentences.
To be blasely honest, it's too tell-y. I don't like the tone here, because it sounds like you are lecturing instead of giving us a story.
Sentences -
I don't know if it's just me being my overly picky self or whatever, but I don't like the sentence style. It's kind of boring, because you're taking too long to describe. I'm sure you've read some of Kylan's works-- (and this is a contrasting example) he usually descibes alot of things with each word in a sentence. Like here:
The trees disown their leaves, shedding their shivering, flustered manes to become quiet and vital, like waiting wives. -- leaving home, Kylan
Let's contrast this with yours:
The sandstone tile wrapping around me creates the illusion of a cave. The kinds found in grottos unknown to man. -- Ocean Fantasy
What I am trying to get at here is, you don't need to seperate continuing thoughts in two different sentences. Combine these! Work towards a medium, between under descriptive and over descriptive and push yourself to fill these sentences up! Make it even, because overly is too heavy, and underly is too light.
-
It's an appreciative piece, but rather hard to enjoy because there's not too much there for us to grab on, and I think you could have maximized your sentences by telling us more. It's like... empty spaces. It feels like it's missing something.
Keep writing, Rosey! Anything? PM me.
Junior
Ooh. Someone turning the mundane of their life into an undersea utopia. Well, that works! I'm not one for all that waxy, poetic sort of junk, so I'll try to take a different slant with this review. Namely, be very, very careful with the interplaying of the 'real world' and the 'undersea dream world'. This sentence:
Is particularly irksome. You rip the reader out of the undersea world. But not to show them the mundane that is really around them, but to simply confuse them. We go from being underwater to having a fountain, which we're not it, on the ceiling?
I'd change it so you have the full imagining of the Undersea Dream at the beginning. Then rip them out forcefully and clearly, maybe with dialogue. And finally, subtlety transform the scene back again, being careful not to repeat what you said before, before delivering the KO punch, being your last sentence.
Less confusing. Both 'worlds' are more forceful. And your last sentence gets what is deserves.
Great writing, though. Keep at it.
Hi Rosey.
I have to say that I do like this piece. It is pleasing to read, painting a very good mental picture. You use your descriptive words effectively.
This feels like a lackluster ending though. I don't know if you have to worry about word count for that class, but if you don't, I would say to add a bit more description to the ending, to give this sketch a more fleshed out feel.
Other than that, this is really good. You're very good with these sketches. I would consider doing more of them for non-class work, if I were you.
PM me if you have any questions or comments. Good job, and good luck.
-Conrad Rice
Okay! Overall I thought this excerpt was great! The detail was nice and steady. Not to fast, but not to slow. I enjoyed reading it
Nit Picks
I didn't really see anything to wrong with this excerpt only a few little problems.
I believe you would say kind instead of kinds the two times in these two sentences.
Also I think it should be grottoes not grottos
Other then that The story was very nice.
I cannot wait to see more of this
PM me if you need any help with anything!
-zerkk