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Edited

Hi Rosey.

I have to agree with June that I think this needs some adding onto. It feels, and looks, threadbare when compared to your other sketches.

You have a lot of potential for some good description here. Yet, you focus a bit too much on action, in my opinion. I do believe that there was another one of your sketches I said exhibited this flaw. If something is going to be this short, I do think you ought to be able to run a little wild with the description, since after all you are not truly going for a full story.

I would describe the pillar as it is being shaped, perhaps from an omniscient point of view. Here, you've made it more about the sculptor, when I think you want the focus to be over the pillar that is being sculpted.

That's about all that I have to say over this piece. PM me if you have any questions or comments. There's some potential for some good stuff here, but you need to reshape this a bit. If my suggestions end up making this not valid for your assignment, let me know and we can maybe discuss a way to make it work.

Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice

Hey Rosey,

I saw your blog entry and decided to come see if I could be of assistance. .

Now, I'm going to start off by saying that I think the driving idea behind this piece is rather excellent. I think you carried it out fairly, and if you weren't such a gifted writer I'd probably accept it as it is. When, however, the audience can see that you feel the need to explain the metaphor, you've lost a large amount of your hold on them.

What I'm essentially saying is that you need to take your chisel to this piece and rather than pointedly defining your above metaphor, subtly hint to it. To compare your writing to a sculptor's art is a smart idea, but to actually tell us that you are doing so breaks the charm that the piece emits.

I'm also, as you know, a sucker for minimum description. Now, this doesn't mean that I like bland writing, but that I like the description to all be appropriate for the piece. Why is it so vital that the pillar is square? Why is it necessary for everything to climb up the height or wrap up the length? I recently came across a bit of a story that I found rather insightful to read. I thought I'd share it with you. Here's the link: http://www.williamgtapply.com/iw.html

I also would like to see some sort of movement in the piece. You need to develop some drive. Start somewhere and have a goal to end somewhere. Mostly this feels like rambling, and that is very rarely good. You just need to take your chisel and tighten some of the screws letting us feel like we're actually going somewhere.

Your use of imagery is as always staggering. I enjoy your calm style of painting a picture very much. You should be careful that this calmness doesn't lead to boredom though. Your contrasting is effective, but I'd like to see it somewhat more tied down to the actual picture that you're trying to paint.

One final point: I notice that you tend to go along and surprise us with changes in the setting that we didn't know about before. Things like text wrapping up the length of the pillar which almost feels like a deux ex machina. It seems to come from no where, and therefore seems to be randomly inserted into your story. I'd start by establishing the setting immediately as broadly as you feel it needs to be elaborated on in the piece, and then afterwards describe what it is that is happening inside the environment that you've created. As always, though, your worlds are well portrayed and painted.

I think that's about it. I hope that I've helped.

Have a great one!

Hello there, Rosey! June here.

This needs adding on to, Rosey. I think it's a good sketch to work from, and I enjoy how there wasn't too many details here to have to pay attention to. Like, there's just one event here to focus on, and this is good.

However! I think you should make this come alive with imagery. I like the describing of the carving, but bring it to life, in words. Transfix your audience through this, make us feel the chisel in our hand, see the words take form on the granite on their own.

One artist, I don't remember who exactly, it may very well have been Picasso? I don't know, my mind's so boggled from taking in so many pieces of art at once. But, anyway, this artist, or this sculptor, I should say, said that when he looks at a block of granite, he can see the finished sculpture, and all he has to do is unwrap it.

I think it'd be cool if you included something like that here. Like, a little bit more emotion on the sculptors part, because he seems a little indifferent to this, like, it's just a task he has to get done. My grandfather, a sculptor himself, says that when you're sculpting, the chisel takes on a new role and guides your hands to do the work. Maybe some of this can be implemented?

I'm saying this to say, that lots of times, artists say that arts creates itself, but here you have the character attributing the work to himself. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that! But, if you had the art as the main character here, instead of a human, you could easily add artisitic flair to this.

Also! Word variation is wonderful. Flower up your words, dear. In short writing, you want to use language that grasps the reader, and you should use synonyms. Use column to replace pillar in some spots, and vary up your usage of stone.

Overall, I think it's a good start, but it needs a few finishing touches. Remember that every good piece of writing stomachs at least ten edits before it reaches perfection.

Good luck, Rosey! Thanks for the read. Keep writing!

Best Regards,
June