E - Everyone

Their Date Chapter 2

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Fiona sat nervously at the park bench. Her eyes darted and she kept shifting around searching for Tony. Her legs anxiously swung back and forth. Looking at her watch again it said eleven thirty so she knew he had to be here soon.

From a far distance Tony spotted Fiona sitting at the bench. As he got closer butterflies churned in his stomach. Why am I so nervous? I wasn't like this when I left the house? He got closer. Should I say hi or hey? Does it matter? Was she waiting long? She I apologize for making her wait? Am I late? Tony halted. "Hey, hi, sorry were you waiting long?"

Fiona was cut out of her daze and replied, "no."

"Oh, that's good,"

"Is there anything you want to do, today?"

"Um.." Tony remembers the places Megan instructed him to go and silently groaned. "Yeah, let's go to the mall," disobeying her.

"Is there anything you need to buy?"

"No, but there are a lot of fun things to do."

"Okay," she said getting up from the bench.

"It's not too far just a few blocks."

They began walking through the park passing joyfully children playing, parents chatting, and a few runners jogging past hooked up their music.

Fiona trailed beside him. He smells nice. She thought as she whiffed his clean scent.

Tall buildings soon surrounded them. The bustling of cheerful people and the many cars whooshing by takes away the silence decreasing the awkwardness as no words were exchanged between them.

Neither of them could think of what to say to another.

In about fifteen minutes they arrived at the entrance of the mall. When he opened the glass doors they were greeted by the department store's fragrances and the artificial breeze from the air conditioner.

Tony made a beeline through the store. Fiona struggled to keep up. When her legs started to burn they reached the other side of the store and stood at the entrance to the rest of the mall.

Tony peered out at all the stores in view and the many people with their bags going to one place to another. "Hmm.." He thought out loud. "What should we do first....I got it!" Tony began walking again.

"Where are we going?"

"It's a surprise."

A dozen stores passed and one floor up later they arrived at place called the Arnie's Modern Furniture Store.

She read the large font letter above still questioning. "What are we doing here? It just seems like a normal furniture store."

"I should just tell you now." He replied. "Okay so toward the back of the store is an area with lot's of mattresses. We can test them, lay on them...jump on them."

Fiona raised her eyebrows.

"What do you think?"

"Have you ever got caught?"

"No.." he said cautiously.

There was a pause as Fiona though for a second. To his surprise a smile formed on her face. "Sure,"

Excited he bounded into the store.

"Wait," she said.

He ceased and looked back.

"You don't want to look suspicious. It would be too obvious that we are some kids wanting their mattresses."

"No worries, I know a route to avoid the cashier. We just have to dodge the people with the name tags. I've done this before and there are not a lot a of people we have to worry about."

He went up the curved stair way to the second floor through more displays. Then went back down an identical curved staircase on the other side.

At the bottom of the stairs Fiona was fascinated to see the area with all the mattresses. It looked completely, separate from the rest of the store. It was like an idealized heaven with while floor, walls, and white mattresses in rows and columns along with the LED light blaring down.

Tony practically skipped over to the nearest mattress and plopped down. She went over and sat at the mattress next to his and she couldn't help but bounce up and down trying out the springiness.

"Hey," he sprang up suddenly. "How about we have a competition. Let's see who can find the most comfortable mattress on their side. We each be the judge and loser will buy winner ice cream."

She could think of a few holes in his game. Doesn't he know how the mattresses are sorted? What does comfortable mean anyways? It's a subjective term. Fiona didn't want to turn him away from all her questions but she couldn't help but ask one. "What do you mean by comfortable? Some people prefer a softer mattress and others prefer firmer."

"I thought softer was better. Okay then let's see who can find the most bouncy mattress.'

"Sounds good,"

"Okay ready....set....go!"

Simultaneously, they jumped to their feet. Hastily, he rushed to mattress to mattress trying to test as many as he could. All the beds are sorted by brand and I haven't been here in a while so I don't have the advantage. Tony huffed to himself. While Fiona made sure to mentally calculate each one and keeping track of which Tony rejected.

After a few that were too soft, too firm he found one in the corner where he felt himself bouncing a little higher than the others. "Hey Fiona, I definitely found it." He called.

"Really?" Fiona said coming over.

She hopped on the bed and bounced and did this a few times to see this was true. Her question was confirmed when she read the tag attached, "Extra Bounce".

"You win.."

"Yesss," he said in victory.

"Where is the nearest ice cream shop?"

"Actually....." Tony turned back to if see nobody was around. "Take off your shoes and stand up." He directed and took off his own.

Fiona stood up on the bed careful not to fall. It felt strange being so close to the ceiling but she felt like the king of the world as the whole room was in view. So this how it feels to be tall. She joked to herself.

The feeling decreased a little when he accompanied her. For support he clenched onto her shoulders stopping him from diving into her. A fast heartbeat replaced her king of the world thoughts.

Tony found himself shyly smiling at her because of their close proximity. Not really sure what to do, he bent his knees and sprang into the air. Since his hands were still on her shoulders the force pulled her up. This made her lose her balance and steady footing. Panicked, she grabbed his forearms. To hide her blush she peered down at their feet.

"On the count of three." Tony said when he got steady again.

Knowing what was going to happen she suddenly looked up meeting his eyes.

"One..two.."

Fiona recollected her balanced and refocused.

"Three!"

Together they leaped into the air. They both felt a great rush for a short moment. They repeated this. All tension was released as they enjoyed the few seconds of flying and the vertical breeze.

Then his grasp had suddenly a firm tightness from the far away talking. He stopped . Abruptly, he pulled Fiona down. Not knowing at first what was going on but she realized that they have been seen. She joined Tony's decent to the sitting position.

At the bottom of the staircase across the room Fiona noticed a couple with an employee. He spotted them and shot a suspicious expression with narrow eyes, and an obvious scowl.  

They stood there frozen for a second scanning the eployee's face. Suddenly, Tony pulled her off the bed and they bolted out the store hand in hand. 

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
Apricity
Review

Hello Red, I saw the final chapter of this in the GR and decided to start reading from the beginni. I skipped the first chapter since it has quite a few reviews already. There's a few spelling mistakes in this chapter, and parts where the sentences didn't flow quite well.

This is basically two teenagers going on a date, yes? Frankly, it is quite cute and adorable but whilst I was reading this I couldn't really discern the point of the story. I couldn't pinpoint exactly what you're trying to tell us, and every story has a point, the reason you write is to convey something across to us. But here, I'm not seeing much of that. The content of the chapter doesn't reveal much about the characters, apart from that Tony and Fiona is nervous about the date. But these are all very cliche feelings, typical first date. You need to be more personal with us, reveal a bit more about the character.

The dialogue here, though realistic as far as dialogue shows is very boring in context. Make the, say something interesting! And in the process of doing that, reveal their inner personality. These are your characters, make them interesting, they can be interesting and realistic at the same time.

I've got a few questions I want you to think about their date, this is their first date and they're jumping on mattresses for a first date? It seems a bit random really, this whole chapter seems a bit random, meaning that it doesn't quite link up with each other. Why does Tony all of a sudden decide to jump on mattresses, what's his motivation behind that? And Fiona just agrees to it, what's her thoughts on this.

As for the ending, something tagged at me as well. I think you could have expanded that scene a bit more, maybe elaborate on their expressions on their excitement. Speaking of excitement, you also tend to tell a lot in this chapter. Everything is action, and dialogue but they are all static descriptions. Nothing that brings powerful imagery to mind, use more figurative language. Like, instead of telling us they're having fun. Show that there is mirth glistening in their eyes or there is this massive, carefree smile on their faces.

Alright, that brings me to the end of my review. I hope I wasn't too harsh, if you have any questions, please feel free to PM me.

-Flite

User avatar
Lefty
Review
Lefty wrote a review · Sun Dec 28, 2014 5:49 am

Hi, there! Lefty here to review chapter two!

I enjoyed this chapter quite a bit. I was surprised when their date consisted of jumping on mattresses. I really liked it. It was different from the traditional first date and not so cliche. It was really sweet and funny.

You are really good at dialog. I was impressed. A lot of people overuse "he said" or similar end tags at the end of sentences when you would have known that that person was talking anyway, but you are really good at using it the right amount, which is difficult for a lot of writers to get.

Onto a couple nitpicks:

Why am I so nervous. I wasn't like this when I left the house. He got closer. Should I say hi or hey? Does it matter? Was she waiting long. She I apologize for making her wait? Am I late? Should I apologize. Tony halted.

Where you say "Why am I so nervous." "Was she waiting long." and "Should I apologize." they should all end in question marks since they are questions. It's interesting, considering half the questions have question marks and the other half are periods.

Also, you could use more commas in a few places. For example: "They began walking through the park passing joyfully children playing, parents chatting, and a few runners jogging past hooked up their music." This sentence could use a few more commas so it would look like this: "They began walking through the park(,) passing joyfully children playing, parents chatting, and a few runners jogging past(,) hooked up their music." So as you read through, if it sounds like the sentence should pause for a moment, add a comma in. No biggy. ;)

That's pretty much it, besides reading over this for a few typos like I mentioned in the first chapter, although I didn't find as many.

Your grammar is quite good in this chapter. I see improvement in this chapter over the first one when it comes to that. Were these written far apart? The writing seems even better than before.

When he opened the glass doors they were greeted by the department store's fragrances and the artificial breeze from the air conditioner.

^^Good line. Very nicely described and good word choices. Nicely done.^^

So, I liked this chapter. It was fun to read and their first date is really cute. It's cool how you go into each of their heads every so often so we can hear their thoughts, which are usually mutually nervous about the first date.

You mentioned in the first chapter that you were interested in hearing other peoples ideas on what to have happen next. Well, I definitely think you should show the rest of their date. I think you could have the rest of it be really cute and sweet. Perhaps they could grow to really care about each other and then have something happen. What's your favorite genre? Make it that kind of book. Apocalyptic? Have a huge disaster happen. Sci-Fi? Have aliens invade. Mystery? Put them in the middle of a murder mystery and have them try to figure out what happened. Just when people think it's just a sweet teen romance, flip it. Throw a twist in there. Or don't! Have it be completely about their lives and relationship. Make a non-cliched teen/highschool romance. Or about how much they adore and care about each other. About their lives together. Fast forward it a couple years if you want to if you want to show their lives together when they're older. There are endless possibilities as to where you could take this book and you have a really good start with it. So keep up the good work and keep writing! Have a nice day!

-Lefty

Big thanks to you. The suggestions and praise really made my day!

User avatar
pinkflutegirl
Review

Yo Redbox, Pink here for a review! *waves*

This chapter is so cute><. *squeals* I loved it a lot. I haven't read your first chapter yet, but I will get to it. I was really intrested in this story, it's really hard to find a chapter that I like. I'm actually a pretty picky reader. Hahaha. I thought this story was great and it didn't have that many problems that I could see.

However, I'm not 100% sure, but in the second paragraph:

There was a pause as Fiona though for a second. To his surprise a smile formed on her face. "Sure,"


I was thinking that you would put a period instead a comma after sure. I'm not 100% sure though. It might just be a personal preference.

I loved how they went to a furniture store, it just made everything 10 times more cuter! At first, I thought that they were full grown adults, but I haven't read the first chapter so yeah lol. I'm guessing that they're teens, right?

Your format is great though! I've read many stories that the format was weird and I couldn't even read the story...

Your description is great and you don't have any overused words lol. Your last sentence just made me so happy, It's like a knight just running away with his princess. *faints with a nose bleed*

Good Job!! I'll be looking into your first chapters and any other chapters added!!!

-Pinkflutegirl

9.5/10

Thanks so much for the feedback. I have the third chapter pretty much all ready to go. I am so glad you liked it

Also I have in my head thier young teenagers or Tweens.

Can't wait to read it(: That's what I thought, I was thinking their around that age!

I know it's a little late to reply again but reading it again I realized how adorable your comment was. :)



The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him.
— Stanislaw Jerszy Lec