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16+ Language

Costco Conversation

by Redbox275


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

"They're at Costco, ah sweet. I have to get my ass to Costco!" Jack proclaimed.

Three pairs of eyes looked over to Jack as he hopped off the bench and strolled away.

"Jack come back! It's thirty minutes away. You probably wouldn't even make it to Costco. You have no car, no endurance, and I think money, which you have none of, is kind of important." Annie called after him.

"Yeah, but it's worth it for the some free samples."

Landon chimed in. "Costco's free sample are the only reason it's worth going there."

"Costco has amazing deals and everything in bulk," Kirk gushed.

Jason cheered, "yeah, Kirk Birk, way to list the positives!"

Landon recollected dreamily, "also...I see some wonderfully interesting people. There was this one shopper who had stunning red lipstick, wore 4 high heels, and had the most delicious, beautiful voice."

Kirk inquired, "delicious like warm milk pouring on some sexy shoulder blades or rich chocolate delicious?"

"Warm milk pouring on some sexy shoulder blades."

"Ooooh, I understand."

"Usually I see people wear pajamas. it's usually old people though," Annie commented.

Jackson perked up at a thought. "Hey, you know when we get old do you think it would be okay if I just wear pajamas anywhere?"

"I guess, there just comes a point in your life where you don't give a shit anymore."

"I don't give a shit too, so does that mean that I can go around in my pajamas?"

Kirk raised an eyebrow. Cheeks grew pink. "What pajamas? I you slept stark naked?'

"So, my pajamas can be my birthday suit right?'

"No...that would be pushing it."

"Wait, how do you know he sleeps stark naked?" Landon inquired.

"I uh...he told me," Kirk said, cheeks from a pink to a red. 


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Points: 506
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Fri Jan 06, 2017 2:30 pm
Younnez19 wrote a review...



I'll be fairly straight with you. i'm just going to point out the things that were incorrect, and what other aspects of the story you could fix up to make it all the better.

We have some missing commas here in the following places. I inserted them for you.

"Three pairs of eyes looked over to Jack, as he hopped off the bench, and strolled away."

Dialogue is interesting, but you could add some description: to the people and to the setting as well.

Now as interesting as the dialogue can be, try centering it around one character. Show how he perceives others, and tell his thoughts and feelings on the matter. that would make for a more engaging story.

Some grammatical errors are present, but are quickly to be fixed once you just go through your work.

If you want some tips on my advised point in making dialogue more intersting and engaging, just leave me a note ;)




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Thu Jan 05, 2017 7:27 pm
Gravity wrote a review...



Heya! Gravity here to leave you a review!

So this piece was fairly short, therefore, this review will be fairly short as well. The first thing I would like to say is I thought this was funny and very unique, but I would actually love to see it as more of a scene in a screenplay. I could see this wasn't proofread because there were some words missing:

"What pajamas? I you slept stark naked?'


The ending quotation should be a double " instead of ' and the line should be "What pajamas? I thought you slept stark naked?"

So I think this really could do with some proofreading. The other thing is when you start a new line of dialogue I often had difficulty understanding who was saying what.

Obviously this wasn't intended to have your standard beginning, middle, end, I think this was actually kinda funny and relatable. It didn't have a real plotline but like I said, to me I could definitely picture this being a scene in a play or an improvisation on a stage or something.

Hope this helped!
XOXO,
Grav




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Wed Jan 04, 2017 5:59 am
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thanataphobic wrote a review...



Hey there, Thanataphobic here for a review!

This is a mediocre piece. There are certain aspects of the story you could strengthen and/or fix, and here they are:

- Grammatical Errors
Errors are easy to fix, but to ensure you don't have any in your next story, make sure you proof read your story several times! Maybe even give it to a friend to go over it.

- Characters
There are four characters in your story: Jack/Jackson, Annie, Landon and Kirk. The four individuals have relatively simple and similar personalities, which makes the dialogue easy enough to follow. Having simple characters also eradicates any unwanted complexities that may pop up. But... having simple, and rather plain characters who have no outright differentiation from each other, make for a dull read.
I admit, at first I thought Jack was an interesting character right from his first line of dialogue... but that interest faded when his friends acted in similar fashion.
So, give the audience characters that are full of unique traits. Create characters that compliment each other, not copy each other. I know this can be particularly challenging if you plan to keep your story short and prompt, but if you do manage to pull it off, it'll add a whole new layer of enjoyment and immersion for your readers to delve into.
And also, what happened to Annie? She sort of went incognito after she called out to Jack.

- Descriptions
Not only do I have no idea where the four characters are, I have no idea what they look like! The readers are barely provided with any sense of surroundings - other than the mention of a bench - and it's a little difficult to put pieces together. For all I know, they could be chilling in the Arctic.
I highly suggest adding in some description after dialogue, or even dedicating a whole paragraph to describing the characters and their location. Descriptions are highly essential.

- Story Development
Now, story development. Usually short stories end with cliffhangers, or the protagonist has an extraordinary epiphany, or some miracle happens. Change occurs. There is a catalyst for that change, which makes the characters dynamic. I couldn't exactly pick up on this in your story, which made the whole thing seem kind of... flat, in a way.
I also feel as if the development was completely swallowed up by the dialogue. I mean sure, we learn a bit about the characters, but what does that affect in the story? In hindsight, not much. I would really, really like to see some development.

- The Ending
Ah, endings. One of the most crucial parts of a story. I liked your ending! It was funny, light hearted, and well... there. It lacked the tone of finality needed to conclude a story and blended in with the rest of the dialogue. I was startled the story ended so suddenly.

Anyway, onto the positives! Your story had good pacing and a good flow. The dialogue seemed natural, and I could totally imagine a group of four teens having the conversation with ease. It was breezy and humorous.

I hope this review wasn't too harsh, but if I'm going to write a review then I want it to be honest and straight to the point.
Anyway, I hope this helped and I hope you have a great day/night!





Adventure is worthwhile.
— Aesop