Today, marks the eighteen year
I celebrate
Someone to revere
You, grandma.
Yes, you.
Because:
You never escaped my appreciation
after all
your love has spread through generations.
And you’re the reason your daughters are good at what they do
Is because
they have model like you.
And You should know that I notice
that
One year after another
You’ve been
An amazing mother
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140,764 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
Hi Redbox275! Katja here to review your poem. Please feel free to disregard any and all comments or suggestions I have, should you deem them unhelpful. On to the review...
Suggestions first:
"eighteenth"?
Because the next sentence states, " is because," it doesn't make sense to have, "you're".
"they have a model like you"
What i liked:
I love that your poem is not for a blood mother, but the narrators grandmother. This is definitely a twist, and an admirable one at that. I can relate, My grandmother was actually the only mother figure I had in general, so I greatly admire her for everything she's done for me before her passing.
Anyway, your poem is very sweet and minus the few minor errors, you did an amazing job! I look forward to reading more of you work soon!
Keep Writing,
-Katja
Hi Redbox, I'm just going to jump right in.
"Today, marks the eighteen year" should be "eighteenth"
I don't know if the way you formatted this adds anything:
"Because:
You never escaped my appreciation."
The punctuation is just confusing. Try "Because you never escaped my appreciation."
Cut "Is because" and just start at "They have a model like you"
Cut "that" and just start it at "one year after another"
This is a nice mother's day message. It would be wonderful written on a nice handmade card and then given to the subject of the poem.
Good work!
-Dream
This is so nice
.
Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.
That having been said:
That is a note of appreciation that any grandparent would love to get from a grandchild.
Very true that parents serve as role models for how their kids are supposed to raise their own kids. If the example is good one it will very likely be imitated and the grandchildren will benefit. I like both the message and the way it rhymes. Tells me that the world isn't as bad as I sometimes tend to imagine./ That there are indeed people who have natural family feelings towards one another and not all are unfeeling ungrateful as oftentimes many children seem. Thank you for sharing this wonderful poem. Looking forward to reading more of your work.
Suggestion
....is because they have a model as excellent as you.