Their Date Chapter 4

by Redbox275

Published January 5, 2015

In Their Date

A/N For this story I also want feedback on the characters. What would you think their personality is? Also if anything else you would like to say about them that would be apprehaited. Anyways thanks for reading,

"Do you want to get ice cream now?" Fiona said beside me.

"Now you mention it I would like a cold creamy delicious treat." He grinned.

"Where is an ice cream place?"

"Cold Stone Creamery is up ahead."

Towards the end of the mall I spotted the sign for the ice cream shop. Giddy kids and their parents were coming out with ice cream. We walked in. It was crowded with the little kids picking out toppings and people sitting at the tables. Fiona and I got in line. I read the menu thinking of what I will get and I licked my lips when I saw the word cotton candy printed on the board above. I knew what I wanted.

I glanced over to her studying the menu. Wheels were turning in her head - I could tell by her beautiful blue eyes that were shimmering as she peered above. In a small simple movement her gaze turned to me. I flinch inside.

You got caught staring at her again. Say something! "What..are you getting." I asked slowly.

"I am debating between vanilla and cotton candy." Her gaze abruptly turned back

"I am getting cotton candy too. We can be matching. Besides vanilla is boring."

"Hm, cotton candy it is."

When we go to the front to order and received each of our two scoops of ice cream in a cup, we went to the topping area with the many assortments of chocolate, fruit, and other sugary treats. I went all out getting sprinkles, Oreos, M&M, marshmallows, chocolate syrup, and whipped cream. Fiona only got sprinkles and some whipped cream. When it was time to pay she handed the cashier the money.

Once we were free to eat our ice creams I scanned the area for empty tables. All the chairs were occupied. I groaned, "We should go back to the park with our ice cream," I suggested.

"Alight,"

We headed through the mall and back through the place we entered. We were again on the street walking in the warm sun. As I was eating my ice creaming I was careful not to spill and get it all over my face. Also I restrained myself from eating quickly like I usually do. Before we got to the park we had already finished our ice cream and found a trash can on the sidewalk to dispose of them

I held back my whine when I said, "My feat are hurting. Let's sit down when we get to the park."

"Yeah, my feet hurt too."

I was very relieved to enter the park because my feet where so sore from all the walking and standing. When we get to closer to the playground I noticed the swings were unoccupied.

"Last one to the swings is a rotten egg." I yelled and started to dash away.

"Not fair you got a head start." She called behind me."

Fiona is feet away by the time I sat on the swing. My feet are practically screaming thank you when I take the heavy load off. She joined me sitting next to me.

"Your the rotten egg." I sang.

"Your a rotten cheater she sang back." She sang back.

I started to swing my legs and lean back enjoying the nice weather. I haven't been on swings in so long. The breezes, the view, the sore feet when you jump off... "Hey, I have another game for us. Whoever can jump off and land the furthest on both feet wins. The loser pushes the winner on the swings."

"Alright,"

I start to thrust my legs back and forth. The higher I go the better trajectory, right? I feel myself go higher and I stop swinging my legs. Next to me Fiona is lower. I saw as she leaned forward and she prepare to jump. Then in one swift motion she leaped off and hit the ground a few feet away standing on her two feet. She turned and watched me, waiting.

I leaned forward like she did, confident in my potential distance yet when I first released from the swing I soon regretted it. I was too high! I was plummeting down to the solid earth beneath me. I was unsure where and what body part I was going to land on. My forearms and lower legs took the force when I slammed into the sand.

I groaned in defeat and pain. It hurts so much. I immediately got up and checked my arms. A few bruises and many little red dots from the sand covered my bare arms.

"Oh my god! Tony, are you hurt." I heard her coming to me.

"Nah, I am fine. I can totally handle a few bruises." I said pretending it didn't affect me.

"Are you sure?" She asked skeptically.

"Yeah of coarse. I am fine."

We walked back to the swings. She looked at her watch on her wrist and sighed. "I have to meet mom back home at twelve and it's 11:45."

"Oh,"

"Well, you know she could always wait five or ten minutes." Fiona turned to me. "Come on, I am not going to let you get out of my prize." She saunters off to the swings and I fallowed.

She sat down and I stood behind her. I pulled the chains or her swing back as far as they can go and I release. She swung away and back. I easily caught the chain again and repeated. I kept pushing until she is so high I would get hit the face by her feet.

"I have to go," She called from above. She stopped moving her legs and she lowered to the ground. Her foot was finally able to help stop the swing.

I was able to grab onto her chains but I accidentally grab her waist. She flinched under my grasp. I walked to the middle so the chains are hanging straight and weren't moving. My hands were still on her sides.

Fiona abruptly sat up and turned. "T-thanks, that was fun."

"Yeah, no problem,"

"I have go home now, bye." She hesitantly waved and left.

I watched her go until I don't see her in my view anymore. Then I went home myself. 

Comments & reviews · 3
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Lefty
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Lefty wrote a review Review · Jan 16, 2015

Hi, there! Lefty here to review!

So, I'm a bit sad to see that this is the final chapter but I'm glad I got to see the end of their date! Poor Tony. :( Being left alone in the park.

As for nitpicks, there wasn't really anything specific I found other than some typos, missing letters/words and some tense issues like I've mentioned before so if you read over it again just keep an eye out for those.

About the teenagers, I got the impression that they were young teens going on their first dates. There was nervous/awkward tension which was done very well and very realistically. They both seemed a little insecure and Tony seemed a little immature/childish and I think Fiona was a little weirded out by that. Fiona seemed sweet and I thought Tony had good intensions. To be honest, I didn't feel like either of them had big/unique/noticeable personalities but I know that can be really hard. In some ways, people in real life don't usually have big personalities but on the other hand I think that's what makes reading so fun and interesting, because you're reading about people who are so different. Anyway, just something to think about.

A good way of giving characters more depth, which works for some people and not others is to write character bios. What are their likes, dislikes, personality, fears? Anyway, it can help you dig deeper into them.

Once again, there was a line in this chapter that I felt was very well written and really enjoyed reading:

with the many assortments of chocolate, fruit, and other sugary treats. I went all out getting sprinkles, Oreos, M&M, marshmallows, chocolate syrup, and whipped cream.

Mmm... I seriously want to get some ice cream now. And when you described pizza in the other chapter... Yum! I wanted pizza after that too. :)

So, I liked these chapters and I'll keep an eye out for if you post anything else! Have a nice day!

-Lefty

Thanks so much for reading all of the chapters. Your reviews were helpful and detailed. Also if you have any tips for characterization and editing I would apprechiate if you PMed me.

AttackOfTheFlash wrote a review Review · Jan 13, 2015

Hello! Flash here for a review! Before I begin I would like to say that no, I haven't read the previous chapters. It was easy to pick up and understand, though. I just saw this hanging out in the Green Room and decided to drop by. :)
Okay, there's a lot of technical and dialogue mistakes here. Let's get down to it:

"Do you want to get ice cream now?" Fiona said beside me.
^Okay, the whole "said beside me" thing doesn't make a lot of sense. Perhaps, "Fiona said as she sat beside me" or just "Fiona said" would make it better.

"Now you mention it I would like a cold creamy delicious treat." He grinned.
^I would consider adding a comma after "it" and after "cold" and "creamy." Also, you have a period. There needs to be a comma, and "He" shouldn't be capitalized. You did that a lot through this work, and I'm not going to pick through them all. Always remember it's a comma instead of a period (unless it's an exclamatory or interrogative sentence) and the next word isn't capitalized unless it's a proper noun.
Wait a second, who's "he?" I assume you mean the narrator, so it looks like you changed the POV for a second there. Correct me if I'm wrong, but the "he" should be "I" considering the only male character mentioned is the narrator himself.


You got caught staring at her again. Say something! "What..are you getting." I asked slowly.
^First of all, I would consider putting that first part (from "you" to "something") in italics so it's easier for the reader to distinguish the character's thoughts from his narration.
Next, the "What...are you getting." should end in a question mark instead of a period, since you did say "I asked."

I groaned, "We should go back to the park with our ice cream," I suggested.
^Either take out "I groaned" or "I suggested." You only need one dialogue tag. Not two. Or, you can do: "I groaned. "We should go back to the park with our ice cream," I suggested.)

"Alight,"
^Please add a period. There is no dialogue tag, therefore no reason for a period. I noticed you did this three other times throughout this piece. Once again I'm not going to point them all out, just please add a period.

"Oh my god! Tony, are you hurt." I heard her coming to me.
^Question mark instead of a period. You might consider even using a "!?" because honestly Fiona doesn't seem too worried about Tony right now with the current end mark.

"Yeah of coarse. I am fine."
^"Of course." "Coarse" is referring to something that's tough, like animal hair. "Course" is the one you need.

Okay! That's (almost) everything! Overall, it was quite enjoyable. A bit straightforward, but still good. :)
I noticed that you asked about the characters. Right now... There isn't much personality. We know that Fiona and Tony care for each other, but that's about it. I'm not trying to be rude or anything, but I think you could have worked on characterization a bit more.
Keep writing!
~Flash

Thanks for all the feedback and the little lessons with it. I do have trouble catching technical issues and I will try harder to catch them.



GET YER EYES AWAY FROM MY EYE SOCKETS >.>
— herbalhour