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16+

Teen Spirit

by Redbox275


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

Int. Sophe's bedroom - night

It is a quiet, still night. A SMARTPHONE reads 11:54 on a nightstand. SOSPHE, 16, gorgeous, wearing stylish clothing, the last type of person you would imagine preparing for a satanic-like ritual, paints a Candles are placed around her room. There is a large, ancient book sitting on her nightstand which she references as she paints on the ground a circle with a fancy star in the middle.

It is a quiet, still night. A SMARTPHONE on a nightstand reads 11:54. SOPHIE, 16, gorgeous, stylish, and the last type of person you would expect preparing for a satanic-like ritual. She paints a large circle with a star of David in the middle and references to an thick, ancient on the ground. When she is finished, she takes a knife and cuts her finger, so a drop of blood will fall in the middle of the circle. Then she picks up the book and...

SOPHE

(chants)

Lookaia amplo kwano hino.

Thunder. Sophie jumps. Lights and candles go out.

A beat later the lights go back on, and Sophie is not the only one standing in the circle. Facing Sophie is JACKIE, 17.

Jackie's eyes are briefly closed, but Jack opens them and realizes that she is back in the real world. Shock is sits heavily in the air. For a beat, they just stare at one another.

SOPHE

Jackie!

Relieved, Sophie attacks her with a hug. Jackie remains in her state of shock. Sophie pulls back.

JACKIE

Sophie?

Jackie looks around the room.

JACKIE

I'm in your room?

SOPHIE

Yes.

JACKIE

How did I get here?

You can tell that she is disappointed to be back on Earth, but she hides it from Sophie.

SOPHIE

I brought you back.

JACKIE

Is this a permanent arrangement...

SOPHIE

No, you'll go back to heaven - I mean if you made it there. I brought you back for justice.

JACKIE

Justice?

SOPHIE

You were murdered, Jackie. Remember?

JACKIE

Murdered?

Sophie

Yes, and the worst part is that they think I'm your murderer.

JACKIE

Oh, I see. That's awful.

Sophie

So, you're here to tell me who killed you, so I won't be a suspect.

JACKIE

Well, murder is pretty traumatic. It's not like talking about the weather or anything.

SOPHIE

Jackie. Evidence is all pointed to me. My fingerprints were found on the knife that killed you, your body was found in the woods behind my house, and they think I'm jealous because you won the pottery contest-which I mean is no big deal because, like, it wasn't, the judges knew what they were doing, but you get the picture.

Jackie looks down, hurt and offended, by the pottery contest comment.

JACKIE

Honestly, I don't remember how I was killed. You know, heaven is bliss. You let yourself forget things there.

Sophie

Please, Jackie, you have to remember something. Someone had to hate you enough to kill you.

Jackie turns away, further affronted.

JACKIE

Just because I was murdered doesn't mean it was my fault. I'm the one who was stabbed...

SOPHIE

All I know is that they think I stabbed you like a lot.

Sophie picks up on Jackie's upset body language.

SOPHIE

Jack, don't be defensive. You're always defensive. I just want your help here.

Jackie

I told you, I don't know.

SOPHIE

We only have ten minutes until you go away. Think of something.

JACKIE

(mutters)

Don't tell me what to do.

SOPHIE

Excuse me, but I could be thrown in prison for years forever if we don't figure out what happened to you.

JACKIE

You probably would have gone to jail anyway when you figure out what you do behind the school.

SOPHIE

That's not murder. You're so lame. Besides it's good for your creativity.

JACKIE

(sarcastic)

Yeah, you and creativity.

SOPHIE

Hey, not all of us win contests and praises because Mr. Blake favors us.

JACKIE

Mr. Blake does not favor me.

SOPHIE

Oh, please you two are so chummy. He always compliments your art and your shirt.

JACKIE

He's an art teacher. He is an eye for color.

SOPHIE

He probably has an eye for you.

(Gasps)

Maybe he's the one who murdered you.

JACKIE

No, ha-

SOPHIE

Did he make an advance on you or something? Wait, you don't remember. But...It would make sense. I know from Criminal minds that stabbing is a substation for-

JACKIE

I did it!

Sophie snaps to look at her. Ugly pause.

SOPHIE

What? You did what?

JACKIE

I killed myself because I hate you, Sophie.

SOPHIE

Excuse me. I'm your best friend.

JACKIE

"Best friend" you are. You're jealous, selfish monster who sabotaged my work and yes I know about that. You talk crap about me and you just have to be in the spotlight. I'm surprised that you even brought me back. Not because this is impossible, but because you're such a narcissist Like hell I'm going to prove you innocent.

Sophie pounces on Jackie. Sophie pushes Jackie against the wall. Jackie struggles with flailing arms but manages to kick her away. Sophie scrambles after her while Jackie reaches for the door. Sophie tackles her, and they tumble to the ground. They end in a mess of pulling hair, aiming to punch each other. Sophie sees the knife on the ground and grabs for it. Sophie points the knife at her. Jackie grabs Sophie's wrist to prevent her stabbing Jackie. Sophie pulls back and goes stabs but the knife only hits the ground. 


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Points: 30
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Sun May 21, 2017 7:19 pm
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MasterDimitrov says...



I really liked the part when they start arguing about Mr. Blake. It just feels like something you would see on TV. But the story does need explanation about how Sophie got her fingerprints on the knife. Over all it was fun to read and wish to know more about it.




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Thu May 11, 2017 4:30 pm
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Jurelixranoanad wrote a review...



Hi, J here for a review.

I loved the plot twist at the end and how you led up to it. The whole story was a bit confusing though it seemed more like a short story with random JACKIES and SOPHIES every little bit, if you put the name in front of the line instead of above it would make it easier to read. Or better yet just make the story a short story instead of a script.
Your story left me questioning something. Did Jackie frame Sophie on purpose or was the fingerprints just there. I think the repetition at the beginning was effective.
I don't know much about Voodu rituals but I do think it would take longer than a few minuets to bring someone back from Heaven.
Over all great story that's just in need of some polishing.

Good Job and Keep Writing!!




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Thu May 11, 2017 4:27 pm
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BluesClues wrote a review...



Jackie grabs Sophie's wrist to prevent her stabbing Jackie.


Like, come on, Jackie. You're already dead? What can Sophie do to you at this point? (Although it's probably super satisfying for Jackie to be able to just *poof* away, leaving Sophie with the knowledge of her own guilt and her impending fat.)

Logistical question that could be solved by deleting this line.

My fingerprints were found on the knife that killed you


How is Jackie supposed to have gotten Sophie's fingerprints on the knife? I totally believe her story that she killed herself - Sophie's obviously a monster of selfishness, and to summon your dead friend just to a) save your own hide from jail and b) make a nasty comment about a contest you should've won is just bad - but, well. In murder stories where someone frames someone else by putting their prints all over the murder weapon...well, put it this way: when and how did Jackie get Sophie's fingerprints on the knife? Jackie was the last person to use it, and since she killed herself there wouldn't have been a way for her to get Sophie's prints afterward. She could've gotten Sophie's prints before and then worn gloves to use the knife herself, but that presents the same problem - she would've been found, dead, wearing gloves, which would've made people a bit suspicious (I hope).

Also, make sure you clean this up a bit. Sometimes it gets confusing, like maybe you started writing one thing but then changed your mind and wrote something else? Like here.

the last type of person you would imagine preparing for a satanic-like ritual, paints a Candles are placed around her room.


Try reading through it aloud, see where you stumble or where something doesn't make sense, and then fix it. That way it'll flow better for readers.

This review courtesy of
Image




Redbox275 says...


Sorry this is very late.

My thought process with the knife thing was that Sophie and Jackie were at each other's homes so they would have used their cups, spoons, and knives. However, it's not really explained that well, so thank you for pointing it out.



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Thu May 11, 2017 3:08 pm
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DragonNoir wrote a review...



Hello! DragonNoir here for a review!

I must admit, this is quite a unique piece of writing. Although, I feel like you were almost trying to write a story more than a script. Next time, try to make sure you know what you're writing and how you'll structure it. As well as this, reading this piece was slightly problematic because of the stage directions. I think you should put the stage directions either in brackets or italics to make reading easier. Also, when someone is speaking, try writing it like this to make it easier to read:
"JACKIE: blahblahblah."
Finally, I doubt that performing a Satanic ritual to summon someone from HEAVEN really happens in the space of a few seconds.

On a more positive note, I really liked that plot-twist at the end, it's really effective. As well as this, that repetition at the beginning is very good.

Overall, this is a great piece, but it'd be more suited for a short story.
I hope my review helped! :)




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Thu May 11, 2017 1:18 pm
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lolosboing says...



OMG! I was so scared and shocked! I love how you led up to the fact that Jackie hated Sophie. But, I'm kinda confused, is her name Sophe? Or Sophie?





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