Hey, Redbox! Happy Review Day ~
First of all, should your title be Porcelain *Throne of Tokyo? That would make more sense to me since I'm not sure what would be thrown, but just wanted to point it out in case it wasn't intentional.
Also, I would strongly recommend (for the purposes of putting this on an online writing website) you take out the last paragraph serving as the author bio. If this were for an assignment or a published article, I recognize its importance, but for privacy sake, it may be safer just to leave it off when publishing here. Or at least just removing your full name.
Overall, this was actually a really interesting, insightful idea. The fact that you can tell a lot about a group of people's culture just based on how they view/handle going to the restroom is really interesting and something I haven't encountered before. This was actually quite interesting and fascinating the read. So in the conceptual department, this was really well done. I'll spend the rest of this review talking about writing.
The hallmarks of several American cities that I visited aren’t common there: no cracked, beaten down streets with litter and dirt shoved into corners and crevices. No packs of cars abusing their horns. And no nauseating puffs of gasoline fumes. Instead the sidewalks were pristine I could eat off them, People swept the sidewalks, and Tokyo had quiet atmosphere in public spaces.
I just decided to quote this entire section of the first paragraph because I found it quite difficult to read. The way it was structured didn't help with the flow very much, making me pause and have to reread to try to understand what you were trying to convey. I do like the idea of contrasting the dirty ... and loud culture of America to the pristine, clean culture of Japan, but this wasn't executed that well. Maybe try to take the "I" out of the first sentence so it isn't like the narrator is giving the reader their filtered thoughts. As well, try to keep all of the "no ..." sentences together in one, so it reads easier. Also, the final sentence is a run-on and slightly confusing.
I do like that you started this off with a story of your own experiences, but I felt like there was a sudden jostle trying to switch from story telling to the actual content of the article. My suggestion would be to condense some of the anecdote more to keep the article overall more focused.
I like that the voice of the narrator stays with the piece throughout, so it's entertaining and engaging to read all the way through. I laughed at a few points and thought it was really interesting. Just something, especially in the story section, the writing either felt a little bit clunky or didn't flow too well. This may come from trying to have both a story (instead of a retold anecdote) as well as accomplishing the purpose of this article. It's something difficult to balance, and I think you did well, but there could always be improvements.
Best wishes ~
- Wolfe
Points: 26330
Reviews: 767
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