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Young Writers Society


18+ Language

Eclipse: Chapter 4, A Single Red Rose

by RealSadhours296


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.

Chapter #4: A Single Red Rose

None of them knew what to do.

Noriko was completely frozen in place, gawking in terror; it was quite unlike her. Brian and Diantha’s eyes were as wide as saucers. They held their breaths in shock. Aden hid behind them, shaking vigorously at the tiger’s intense, glaring eyes.

After what felt like hours of staring, the tiger let out a loud, piercing roar. Noriko, Diantha, and Brian sprinted off in different directions in a panicked frenzy. Diantha especially was gone in a flash.

The tiger observed its surroundings, the one-armed girl catching its attention. A defect! It noted. An easy kill.

Unleashing its claws, the tiger prepared to strike at its prey.

“W-wait!”

The tiger turned back to where the quartet was previously standing, only to find the smallest of the bunch still in the same spot. Aden’s feet were glued to the ground, and his lips wobbled with horror. He could barely comprehend what was going on…especially considering he just heard the tiger speak!

“W-Why do you w-want to kill us!? We d-didn’t do anything wrong!” He questioned the beast with low grunts and soft whimpers.

The tiger’s ear perked up in shock and then flattened in caution. The tiger slowly crawled towards Aden. A smooth-skin? Speaking the tongue of the beasts? How is that even possible?

“Do you not know the ways of the forest, meat-piece?!” it growled out, unleashing its claws and digging them into the ground. “This is my territory. You are trespassing. Therefore, I have every right to kill you!”

Aden’s heart fluttered fearfully. He clung tightly to the bouquet in his hands “B-but we didn’t know-”

“Shut up!” The tiger roared. “I’m through talking to you!” It lowered its body to the ground and prepared to pounce.

Until the red smooth-skin was suddenly yanked away by the largest of the quartet. The tiger let out a frustrated growl and chased after the two.

It took Aden a moment to realize that Brian was dragging him by his wrist away from the black and white beast. He could hear various ‘fucks’ and ‘shits’ hissed under their breath, whatever those words meant.

As fast as Brian was, however, the tiger was faster. It was gaining up on them, and Brian’s stamina was slowly depleting; his gasps for air grew more and more hoarse. Aden himself could barely keep up. His legs ached so much, and his heart felt like it was pounding out of his chest!

One of Aden’s feet smacked against a large rock embedded in the ground. He lost his balance and tripped, halting both parties. Brian’s grip kept Aden somewhat standing, but it was clear there would be no time to pull him back up. The tiger was only a pounce away from them!

And then something zoomed past Brian and Aden and kicked the tiger in a flash before sprinting off and standing at a safe distance. It was only then that Brian and Aden realized the colorful blob that zoomed past them and saved their lives was Diantha herself.

The tiger twisted its head towards the glaring girl and let out a frustrated roar. It sprang towards Diantha, but its attacks were futile. She continued to dodge effortlessly, sprinting as fast as a cheetah.

The tiger was so annoyed by this development that it switched its focus on easier prey. It turned to the two boys, performing two great leaps toward them. However, Brian had already prepared for the attack; he broke off a tree branch and held it like a club. Aden clung to Brian from behind as Brian smacked the branch against the creature’s face.

The tiger gave a great yelp and flew across the forest, its body crashing into a nearby tree. The tiger’s frantic whimpers faded as it sprinted away from the group of three.

A thick, heavy silence hung over the three teens. No longer did they hold their breaths in; they gasped for lost air.

This silence dissolved as Brian gripped Aden by their shoulders and yanked them in front of him. “What the fuck were you doing?!” He growled out, shaking the boy vigorously. “How dumb are you?! Did ya honestly think making those monkey noises was gonna stop the tiger from eating you?!”

“Brian!” Diantha barked, making her way to the two boys. “He was scared! Cut him some slack-”

“And you!” Brian hissed, glaring daggers at Diantha. “Where the fuck were you! We could have used your help earlier!”

“Cut me some slack!” Diantha placed a hand over her chest, confidently defending herself. “It took me a while to process that I had…super-speed or whatever! I would have come back earlier if I could!”

Brian released his grip on Aden’s shoulder and nearly pushed the boy to the ground, stomping toward Diantha. “Well maybe ya shouldn’t have scampered off so quickly like the cowardly bitch you are!”

Aden steadied himself on his two feet, and took two reluctant steps toward Brian and Diantha. “P-please, none of the fighting!” His voice fell on deaf ears.

Diantha hitched and bit her lip “Well maybe you should tone it down and quit being such an obnoxious asshole!” She clenched her fists in fury.

“No more of the fighting, please!” Still, Aden’s tearful cries were ignored.

“Me? An asshole?! At least I’m not some stuck-up bimbo who can't take things seriously for more than five fucking seconds!” Brian sneered.

Aden buried his face in his hands “P-please!”

Diantha crossed her arms. “At least I’m not some selfish, pessimistic prick with anger management issues!” She bit back.

“N-No more!” Aden cried.

“Go to hell you skank!”

“Please stop!” Aden begged.

“Go fuck yourself dickwad!”

“¡Por favor para!”

Diantha and Brian’s senses were overwhelmed out of nowhere. The two collapsed onto the ground, tears squeezing out of their eyes as a faint red aura surrounded them. At a distance in front of Brian and Diantha was Aden. He curled up in a ball and sobbed, covering his ears with his hands. The gem on his left hand glowed a bright red.

After a few moments of wallowing in their sudden misery, Brian and Diantha realized that the said misery was likely coming from Aden. They didn't know how it was possible, but it was the only conclusion that made sense given the context.

Diantha crawled towards Aden with all her might, wrapping her arms around him in a hug. “H-hey now, It’s okay…” She attempted to reassure Aden, unwanted snot dripping down her nose.

Aden buried his head into Diantha’s chest, letting out tiny sniffles and gasps between his words. “I-I s-sorry…I d-didn’t mean to make the f-fighting happen-“

“Shh…no, no. This isn’t your fault. We’re not fighting anymore, see?” She turned her head towards Brian, giving him a warning glare. “…Aren’t we Brian?”

Aden looked up at Brian; his eyes were red, puffy, and stained with tears. Brian stared at Aden with an unreadable expression before turning away in shame. A small grunt of agreement left his throat.

Aden’s gem dimmed down, and the red aura faded away, ending the constant stream of tears that dripped down Diantha and Brian’s faces. The two let out a soft sigh of relief, and Diantha helped Aden to his feet.

“My flowers...” Aden whimpered quietly, staring at his empty hands. He had dropped his bouquet when Brian grabbed him.

Diantha gave him a small pat on the back. “You’ll find more, don’t worry.” She assured the redhead.

Brian noted a bush near him, covered in various bulbs that barely hid their red petals inside. After glancing at Aden in thought, he reluctantly picked one of them and shuffled his way to Aden. Brian almost shoved the flower in their hands, attempting to get the action over with as quickly as possible.

“Here,” He slurred out, almost in a whisper. “Sorry I guess…”

As Aden marveled at Diantha’s friendly smile and considered Brian’s warm-intentioned action, his eyes sparkled in admiration. The bulb in Aden's hands miraculously bloomed into a vibrant red wild rose. A light blush spread on his cheeks as he beamed widely. He likes these two!

Diantha and Brian didn’t notice this vibrant display of emotion. They were too busy communicating with each other without starting another fight, which was difficult for both sides.

“Wow. That was a rather nice gesture. I’m pleasantly surprised!” Diantha smirked at Brian.

Brian narrowed his eyes, instantly realizing the implications behind Diantha's words. “…You saying I can’t do anything nice?”

“Well-” Diantha would have elaborated but decided against it. “We need to find Noriko!” Diantha changed the subject. “She’s all by herself out there, and who knows what else is lurking in these woods.”

Brian nodded in agreement. “But how? We have no idea which direction she went.” An idea suddenly graced his head, and he focused his eyes on Diantha. He somewhat regretted doing so; Diantha’s ruined mascara did not complement her face. “But…you did manage to find us with your super speed. Maybe you could find Noriko that way?“

“It’s a miracle I even found you guys to begin with.” Diantha shot down the idea. “When I go that fast, it’s like I’m wearing the highest quality noise-canceling headphones. I luckily just barely heard the tiger’s roars as I was passing by. If I ran off now, I'm not sure if I could find you two again.” She scraped her painted nails against the back of her neck. The dull pain brought her some ease, but her worry for Noriko could not dissipate so easily.

Brian muttered a 'shit' under his breath and massaged his temples. He tried to think of another idea. But his mind was drawing a blank.

The chilly breeze sent shivers down his spine, and he was wearing a coat! Noriko was the most underdressed for this climate out of all of them. She was all alone out there in the cold with only one arm to defend herself with; if the trio did find her, would it be too late? Would they find her lifeless body draped over the snow? Or worse...in pieces?

Aden, seeing the discouraging state his two companions were in, tugged at both of their sleeves. “We will find Noriko!” His voice was filled with hope as he spoke. “I know we will!”

Aden's optimism was contagious, and brought Brian and Diantha out of their funk. Diantha covered her wide smile with her hands, and Brian couldn’t stop the tiniest smirk from gracing his lips.

“Yeah. I’m sure it’ll be fine!” Said Diantha. “We should continue onwards and leave little clues for Noriko to follow. We…can’t get any more lost than we already are.”

Brian was hesitant, but he knew there wasn’t much else they could do. If they stayed here, the tiger could come back, and who knows what else would attack them while they were stuck in one place. “'Aight. What direction we heading in?”

“Well…” Diantha paused, her eyes lifting up to the night sky. “Let’s see where the moon is. The moon rises in the east, and sets in the west. If we watch it for a while, we’ll know which direction it’s going, and then we’ll know where north is.”

Brian blinked for a solid five seconds. “That's...surprisingly smart of you.”

“Sorry, did you say something?”

“I-it was nothing.”

They eyed the sky, and sure enough, there was the moon shining brightly above them…except something about it seemed kind of off. The moon they knew was usually white, sometimes a yellowish ivory. This moon was twinkling in all the colors of the rainbow. It was also much bigger; it took up a larger portion of the sky.

At least this strange moon gave them a direction to follow; the moon was rising from the right, so that must be east. They just need to keep going forward.

Diantha, Brian, and Aden set off. Although their plan wasn't the most ideal, it was their only course of action given the circumstances.

Every flower bulb that Aden found, he would pick, and then he would drop them to the ground; he left a trail of picked flowers for someone, hopefully Noriko, to follow.


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Wed Sep 01, 2021 6:44 am
RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hello,

RandomTalks here with a short review!

We get some insight about there superpowers in this chapter. So Aden can talk to animals, Diantha can run very fast and Brian has super strength. I am still not sure what these super powers might lead to or where they came from and why they were given, but I definitely am very curios to find out. I did not get one thing though, when Diantha and Brian were fighting, what exactly happened to Aden? It seemed like his misery had suddenly become an entity of it's own and had spread to Diantha and Brian which finally caused them to stop their fight.

The action scenes were quite believable. I had been wondering how four teenagers would fight off a tiger, but you made it as though they didn't really defeat the tiger, but merely scared him away. I think that is a lot more believable than the alternative. I was question your word choice a little, because describing human beings as 'meat piece' or 'small flesh of meat' comes off as a little strange. I get that you were narrating from the tiger's point of view, but there should be a transition there that is missing.

I did find Brian a little arrogant in this chapter. He did not really have a reason to start an argument with Diantha. They were all scared and of course their first instinct would be to run. I had already kind of predicted that the pair of them are likely to kill one another at some point, but it was really great to see Aden taking the forefront in this chapter. I liked how he tried to reason with a tiger, of all creatures in the world, and how he broke the fight between Diantha and Brian and how after all they faced, he was upset about the flowers! These simple reactions are so typically characteristic of him. You are doing a great job at bringing your characters to life and giving them their individual voice.

That said, this was a really great chapter! I am a little worried about Noriko right now, but I am sure we will find out where she is in the next chapter.

Keep writing and have a great day!




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Wed Aug 11, 2021 1:22 pm
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi RealSadhours296,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

I´m here to bump your work out of the Green Room. So, I haven´t read the first three chapters, so pardon me, if I write about something, that is already mentioned in a previous chapter.

I like your beginning and how you create tension right away with the short sentences. As I haven't read the previous chapters, I don't know how it started, but I think you create a good opening for the chapter.

You can see that you keep the tension well in hand for most of the story, but I also get the impression that it ebbs away after a while, as if the characters are tired of fighting and running. I think you need to try and expand on that to give the reader more of what they want to see. The problem here was that a lot of it happened within a few seconds and I had the impression that it was all over before it could come to a climax.

You used "the tiger" very often, where I think you can also use synonyms or pronouns to break that monotony a little bit. At one point it was four times in six sentences, and twice you started a sentence with it. It doesn't read very well in some places, especially where the tension appears.

I think you have very different characters, which I like very much. As little as I know of them, I thought you could get a good view of who they are. There were also differences in the dialogue, which I thought was good and helps a foreign reader a lot. There was only one section where they were talking and it seemed like they were all getting upset, so you didn't really know who was talking. Since I don't think it's really important to know who was talking, this is just a note.

Other points that caught my eye:

The tiger turned back to where the four flesh beings were previously standing,

I'm not so sure what perspective the story is told from and whether it's not an omniscient narrator; that's why I find it a bit odd for the characters to be referred to as "flesh beings". It seems like the narrator is taking sides with the tiger.

“Do you not know the ways of the forest meat piece?!”

There should be a comma after “the forest”.

As fast as Brian was however; the tiger was certainly faster. The tiger was gaining up on them fast, and Brian’s stamina was slowly diminishing;

I like your inverted change of view here, from Brian to Tiger and from Tiger back to Brian.

Have fun writing!

Mailice




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Tue Aug 03, 2021 8:33 am
ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Heyyyyyyyy! Forever here for a review!

So, a lot of things happened in here. Literally, a lot of revelations to make the plot move forward. Now, after reading this chapter, I am really tensed about Noriko. She was the very first character introduced in the story, so, we have a different feeling and sympathy for her, at least I have that. And now, she is missing. I hope she is not in a predicament and is alright. Or... She went to a place which is more dangerous than that, like it has dangerous creatures in there.

In this chapter, you have introduced some new powers of the characters. Like, for Aden, he can speak to tigers or each and every animals. Seems like a superpower and probably, the powers are due to the gems as they were glowing when these things happened. And talking about Diantha, it makes me think of something else about the powers. Are they only aware of the powers when they act? Because she tells that she was just not aware of it but earlier, she had run at a great speed. I don't really remember the chapter number but it was something like Brian was running at a high speed and Diantha overdeed her effortlessly.

Here, you also managed to provide a quick backstory of Noriko's hand's condition that portrays how brave she actually was to accept that. I am quite eager to know about the superpowers of Noriko and Brian.

The strange moon gives a good magical vibe. I was just imagining a moon which looked like that and it was quite funny. Diantha seems to be a brave or rather let me say a person who has the presence of mind.

The only thing I will suggest is to work a bit with the setting. Though I shouldn't say that I couldn't imagine anything, but then also you need to flesh it out a bit more. The forest and the tiaga especially. That would make it a lot better.

That's it for now. I will get to the next chapter soon. It was overall a great chapter. I would be happy to know if it was helpful and if you have any questions, feel free to ask.

Keep writing!

~Forever





Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
— Albert Einstein