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Young Writers Society


18+ Language

Eclipse: Chapter 3, Something's Not Quite Right

by RealSadhours296


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.

Chapter #3: Something's Not Quite Right

“Aden! Where are you going?!” Diantha pressed Aden, who followed Brian without a word, to come back.

Diantha didn’t get a reply; Aden ignored her question and disappeared below the platform.

This definitely can’t be good. Who knows what will happen to Brian and Aden if it’s just the two of them? Sure, the group of four are complete strangers to each other, but she’s not a heartless monster! Of course she would be worried!

She turned to Noriko, who was already heading back inside the temple; their face was hidden from her view. “Noriko?” She called for their attention.

Noriko ignored her and continued on their way.

Twitching her eye, Diantha pounded towards Noriko, her black high-heeled boots producing quite the clamor. “Noriko, you can’t be okay with-”

“They will come back.” Noriko halted in place. “They will realize how dangerous it is with just the two of them, and then they will come back.”

“You know this? Or you hope this?”

…Noriko was silent.

Diantha let out a peeved sigh. “Is this your way of being petty?”

“Of course not.” Noriko turned on her heel, finally facing Diantha. “It is none of my business if they decide to make such an irrational decision. They can go if they want. I have no right to stop them.” She explained with a forced sense of calmness. “I would not want to hold them back. You can go with them if you like.”

“…You’re worried, aren’t you?”

…Once again, Noriko was silent

Diantha stood directly in front of Noriko and gave her a stern gaze. She could see how it is now. “Noriko, with all due respect, I'm kind of on Brian's side here. If we woke up in this temple, then someone put us in it, and if whoever put us here comes back later and we're still inside, what then?" Diantha reasoned. "I mean, It’s just the two of us right now. We’d be safer if we all stuck together. Do you…even want to stay in there anyways?”

Noriko glanced at the intimidating archway and the eerie room filled with decaying stalls beyond it. Based on how Noriko clenched her fist, that was a no, but she stubbornly refused to give in. “It…It does not matter how I feel about it. It's a shelter.”

“Noriko, if you don’t feel safe in there, then it’s not a good shelter. Period.”

“…I just…I would rather not have any mistakes in my conscience.” Noriko let out a small sigh, hiding her face from Diantha. "I do not know what is right. I do not know whether my original logic is sound or if leaving here is better. All I know is that if I force you all into a course of action and we get hurt, that is on me."

“It's not." Diantha shook her head at the absurd conclusion. "Whether we listen to you or not, that's our responsibility and our choice. Brian and Aden could be hurt right now because of their own choices, and we’re not there to help them because of ours.” Diantha extended her hand, waiting…or more like hoping for Noriko to take it. “I want to catch up with Brian and Aden, but I refuse to leave you by yourself. Please, come with me." She gave them a small, hopeful smile. "If it starts snowing, we’ll figure something out.”

Noriko blinked at Diantha’s hand with a perplexed frown. Instead of accepting the hand, she ambled past Diantha, towards the stairway. “…I suppose if we are careful, it could work out.” She turned to Diantha, giving them a barely noticeable, unsure smile.

A bit disappointed, Diantha lowered her hand. She was glad Noriko changed her mind, at least. “Yeah…Let’s hope Brian and Aden didn’t stray too far.”

Diantha and Noriko stepped down the staircase side by side. In the distance, they spotted Brian and Aden. The two boys hadn’t even taken their second step on the ground; they talked about something the two girls couldn't discern.

Diantha alerted Brian and Aden of their presence, waving her arms and calling their names to gain their attention. “Hey guys! We’ve decided to come with you! The temple’s giving us the creeps!”

As Noriko and Diantha descended the last steps, Aden hopped excitedly. “Really? Yay!” His laughter was filled with joy as he tackled Diantha and enveloped her in a tight hug. Diantha wasn’t bothered by this sudden display of affection; she found it endearing, actually. She gently pet Aden’s head with a wide smile.

Noriko's eyes stayed fixated on the ground, that is until an astonished Brian shuffled up to Noriko to inquire about the turn of events. “What happened to the whole, 'the buildin’ is safer' thing?” He questioned with an unintentionally rude tone.

“It would be even worse if we split up. Who knows what could happen with just the two of you out there.” Noriko hesitantly answered; she peeped up at Brian for a few moments, and then her eyes quickly shifted away.

“Yeah, but we’re strangers, y’know? Why’re you worried about us?”

“Why wouldn’t we be?” Diantha argued, overhearing the conversation. “Sure, you can be a bit…” Diantha glared at Brian for a few seconds; a word was on the tip of her tongue that she decided to swallow once he gave her a scowl. “…But we’re all in the same situation here. Mutual amnesiacs stick together!”

Brian only let out a huff, muttering about how Diantha was 'just as stupid as Aden.’ Diantha definitely didn’t ignore this comment and would have called Brian out on his insult, but Noriko read the air and spoke up before a fight could start. “We should get going.” She reasoned louder than usual.

Diantha shut her mouth, and after a sigh, nodded in agreement. “…Yeah. We should,” Brian slurred out a mutter.

Noriko wasted no time; she walked through the entrance to the forest in front of them. “It appears that this taiga continues on for quite a while, so we won’t find any civilization soon. The best we can do is find a river. Not only will it provide us with water, but campsites are usually built near them. Hopefully, we will find someone who knows this area better than we do that can lead us to the nearest town or city…”

Brian, Diantha, and Aden followed Noriko; they somewhat paid attention to her ramblings.

The quartet traveled through the dense, freezing forest. The pine leaves shielded the night sky from their view, as they continued on and on. The endless, almost identical trees hindered their sense of direction.

For a long time, there was only silence. Noriko was at the front, leading the party through the forest.

Brian twitched his head back and forth every ten seconds or so; his wariness was more and more apparent by the minute. Diantha herself had half of her head in the clouds. Her brain knew the two people she was following and her general surroundings, but that was it.

Aden was easily distracted. Sometimes he’d stop to stare at a spot he saw a squirrel scurry through. Other times he’d halt to examine the flower buds they would pass by. Brian was always on the lookout, so every time Aden’s attention was elsewhere, Brian would call for him, and he always caught back up with the group.

After a while, Aden realized he could just take the flowers with him. It wasn’t long before he had an entire bouquet in his hands.

Aden ran up to Noriko, gazing at her imploringly with his round, green eyes. Noriko eventually noticed this. “…Do you need something?”

Aden vigorously nodded his head and presented the bouquet to Noriko. “Do you know the flower’s names?”

Noriko raised an eyebrow at the…interesting…request, but regardless studied each of the flower’s features, searching for the answers.

“…Rosa acicularis, Kalmia angustifolia, and Platanthera obtusata.”

Aden tilted his head; he reminded Noriko of a confused puppy.

“…Wild roses, Sheep laurels, and Blunt Leaved Orchids.”

Aden seemed much happier with Noriko’s simplified answer. “¡Gracias!” He expressed his gratitude and fell to the back of the group, giving the bouquet to Diantha.

“See, I told you she'd know more than I do!” Diantha bent over to smell the collection of flowers. “Wow…that actually smells really good. It’d make some nice perfume!” She remarked, handing the bouquet back to Aden.

While Diantha and Aden continued their lively discussion. Brian couldn’t keep his thoughts to himself anymore. “…Noriko?”

Noriko tilted her head in curiosity. “Yes?”

“I smell somethin’.”

“…What do you mean, exactly?”

Brian squinted his eyes and glared at the ground. “I don’t know. I just…I smell somethin’, and it’s giving me a bad feeling. I’m hearing things too: a twig snap here and there, footsteps…”

“I’m not hearing anything like that. Are you alright?”

“…It’s nothin’. Don’t worry about it.” Brian sighed and continued to scan the perimeter. Noriko decided to leave it at that.

Aden and Diantha’s conversation ended shortly thereafter, and so another long silence followed.

A while later, Diantha decided to break the ice. “Hey. Do any of you guys know your last names? Because I sure don’t.”

Aden shook his head. Nothing more, nothing less.

“Nah fam,” Brian answered bluntly.

“Unfortunately, no. If I did, I would not have introduced myself by my first name.” Noriko shook her head as well.

Diantha placed her finger under her chin in thought. “That…actually tells us a lot. Are you from Japan? I’ve heard that the people there are particular about that kind of stuff.”

Noriko clung onto her dangling right sleeve. “I do know Japanese, but…I’m not sure.” She replied with slight hesitance.

Diantha let out an annoyed groan and crossed her arms behind her head. “Geez, this is all so annoying.” She whined. “What did we even do to deserve this?”

No answer was given, so Diantha had to answer it herself. “…Right, we’re not sure about that even. Makes this even more annoying-”

“Diantha. Shut up.” Brian growled out.

Diantha stopped right in her tracks. “…Excuse me?” She snarled out.

“You heard me. Worryin’ about who we are or where we are ain’t going to help us right now.” Brian turned to face his source of aggravation. “Hell, I’m pretty sure you said that yourself! So shut up! We don’t need your whining.”

Diantha glared daggers at her challenger. “Well, I’m very sorry for expressing my own feelings! Yes, constantly worrying won’t help us but that wasn’t what I was doing! I was just making a comment! A comment I thought all of you might agree on-”

“We don’t need ya comments! What we need is to get help! I’d rather focus on findin' that help with some peace and quiet than listen to some annoyin' high-pitched voice every 5 seconds!”

Aden tip-toed away from Brian and Diantha, and towards Noriko, who watched the senseless argument with increasing annoyance. Aden didn’t dare say anything; he could feel the rage building up in Noriko, and needless to say, it was scaring him.

“Annoying high-pitched voice?! If we’re getting personal here then I have a lot of insults for you Popeye!”

Noriko cleared her throat, attempting to gain Diantha and Brian’s attention. “Could you please stop this?”

“I call it like I see it! Go ahead! Insult me! Let’s see what that pretty mouth o' yours can come up with-”

“Wai! tange taigi!”

Brian and Diantha whipped their heads towards Noriko, their eyes as wide as saucers. Noriko's usual, distinct pronunciation had flipped on its side; she slurred out the sentence like it was one giant curse word. Diantha wasn't even sure if what Noriko had said was actually Japanese or not; it certainly didn't sound Japanese.

After a moment of silence, Noriko breathed in and out. Her face once again was void of emotion. “This type of senseless arguing won’t get us anywhere. Whatever disagreements you two have, I want you two to put them aside right now, do I make myself clear?” Her voice was calm, but still conveyed an eerie sense of irritation; it gave the others dread.

Brian and Diantha slowly nodded, uncomfortable by Noriko’s uncharacteristic anger. Aden was a few feet away from her, twitching with genuine fear. He clutched onto his bouquet tightly.

Noriko spun on her heel, facing away from the three. A light blush bloomed on her face as she bit her lip and silently screamed. She was mortified at having used Tsugaru-ben in a state of anger.

She was even more mortified that she knew how to speak Tsugaru-ben at all; she would rather drop dead than talk in such an informal manner!

Noriko shook her head and calmed herself by rubbing her temples. She was just about to urge the others to continue onward-

The snapping of a twig froze everyone in place. All four children collectively whipped their heads to the direction they heard the noise and stiffened when the bush to their right rustled.

“‘Knew it!” Brian muttered under his breath. “I knew somethin’ was following us…”

The four teens gathered together, bundling for protection as a low growl came out of the bushes. Bright blue eyes gleamed from behind the leaves, but as quickly as the eyes appeared, they were suddenly gone.

For a few moments, it seemed that whatever was lurking in the bush decided to leave them alone.

…But then a blurry ball of black and white leaped from the bush. The creature's four paws landed in front of the quartet. A stocky white tiger bared its fangs and hissed at them, narrowing its eyes that were filled with primal rage.


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Tue Aug 31, 2021 6:53 pm
RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hello!

RandomTalks here with a review!

I saw some of your chapters in the Green Room and decided to start from the beginning. And, I have to say this is a really interesting story. I know I could never come up with something half as good as this. The first chapter gave me Maze Runner kind of vibes. Four teenagers wake up in an unknown place with zero memory of anything except their names. That is a brilliant place to begin. Strangers trapped together have become such a trope nowadays, but as I went on reading, I kept on getting hooked with the story. You have managed to make it unique and incredible, with twists and surprises at every corner. But I feel like what stands out most about this story is the incredible descriptions, the mystery and...the characters. You have built the characters into their own persons, I like how different and unique they are from each other and how they feel like actual people from the real world.

Noriko is the natural leader of the group. She is level headed and quick on her feet. Her ability to remain calm even when she is at the edge of panic makes her a really admirable person. And you can just feel that she cares for this group of strangers she is stuck with, she feels responsible for them and she just wants them all to get out. I think as a protagonist, she really is up to it. She can step up when necessary and handle hurdles when they are thrown her way.

Brian is a little different from the group. He is intelligent of course, but he is a little ill-tempered and impatient. Still, he feels like a good guy, and I feel like there is more to him than he shows, so I haven't formed any opinion about him yet.

Diantha is the sassy, smart mouthed girl. To be honest, I have really enjoyed her character so far, but in this chapter she has stepped up and shown that she is capable of a lot more. The way she reasoned with Noriko and made her change her mind was brilliant. She is chatty, but she is considerate. Of course, she does not have the best temper and is a little impatient herself. But I can understand her need to complain in an attempt to just fill the silence.

Aiden is the sweetest character of them all, and you cannot help but sympathize with the kid at points. He is innocent and kind and incredibly loyal. However he is also easily distracted and more than a little careless. To be honest, I am a little afraid that he is the least likely among the four of them to survive in the conditions I am sure they are about to face. Hopefully, I am wrong.


While in the previous chapters, you were mostly establishing the characters, here their relationships with each other come to the forefront. It is obvious that they consider Noriko as the unofficial leader of the group. On the other hand, I think Brian and Diantha are either going to get along really well by the end or they are going to kill each other way before that. And of course, Aden is literally the middle child watching all the fights and arguments from their parent’s back.
I think it's really great how you have built the plot so far. It is very engaging and it keeps us on our toes all the time. From their waking up in the altars, to the statues and the discovery of the gems and their effect, the plot has never once bored me. In fact, I really hope that their newly discovered super powers are enough to save them from what they are about to face in the next chapter!

I also like how you keep shifting voices in the chapters. We get to see the story from a lot of different perspectives and I think that helps in keeping the story fresh and developing the characters and their different arcs.

Now on to some other details:

Who knows what could happen with just the two of you out there.

You are missing a question mark there at the end.

She could see how it is now.


It will be 'how it was' not 'is'. The story is in past tense.

Also I noticed that you often use the 'they' pronoun instead of him/her, but I think someone already mentioned it so I am not going to drag on that.

That's all.

I hope to get on the other chapters as well, as this story has really interested me. Keep up the good work and have a great day!






Thank you so much for your review! It has really made my day!
I hope you enjoy the rest of what I've written as well!



RandomTalks says...


Yes, I will get to the other parts as well!



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Mon Aug 02, 2021 1:34 pm
ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Heyyy! Forever here for a very short review:

Critiques:

The best we can do is find a river. Not only will it provide us with water, but campsites are usually built near them.

Maybe just mention that the water will be cold. That just gives a quick insight to the temperature or maybe just say it's freezing.

I didn't find any other critiques. So, good job with that.

This was obviously a great idea. In this chapter, we got a good insight about the relationship between the characters. Earlier, we were only aware of their personality traits and everything, but the relation was important. In this chapter, you did with that. You managed to keep the characteristic traits of the character. They have not changed much.

It makes me wonder if going away was a better idea. It was definitely a predicament for them to decide that. Now when the three are on one side, it's better for the fourth to agree and I am glad that they did that.

Talking about the characters, till now Aden seems to have a great and unique personality. Like he is kind of a nervous person but her desire to accompany and support the person who had supported him outwits the nervousness. Again, he seems to be a distracted person. I like the concept of distraction. I don't know where this is gonna go but distraction often help people to understand their likes and dislikes.

It ends with a nice little twist there. Makes me wonder about their fate. Obviously they will survive(or will any of them die? Idk but I guess most of them will). Now, my guess can go wrong. After all, the novel started with darkness, symbolic of loneliness. Also, a good job with the descriptions and pace of the story.

I will get to the next chapter soon.

Keep Writing!
~Forever




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Thu Jul 01, 2021 5:00 am
Spearmint wrote a review...



Hiya, mint back with a review!! ^-^ So you've definitely left us on a cliffhanger here... Personally I agreed with Noriko's first opinion that they should stay in the temple (freezing to death sounds like no fun at all), but if they were really getting creepy vibes from the place, I do see how a taiga forest could seem like the better option! Well, unless the taiga has dangerous creatures... like this one does... I'm wondering if this tiger is somehow different as well, like more aggressive than normal, or if it was just incredibly annoyed by the teens' noisy arguing or something. But I suppose it's good that they're all together; perhaps some of their abilities could be used to complement each other? Oops also apologies for the rambling xD Just some thoughts I had! C:
So overall, I thought this was a great chapter, and I'll definitely be reading more! Okay, on to some specifics...

She turned to Noriko, who was already making their way back inside the temple; their face hidden from her view.

I noticed this a few times throughout this chapter, but it seems like you sometimes use they/them pronouns to refer to characters. That actually makes sense when I think about it-- it seems like you do this to differentiate between two characters who generally use the same pronouns? So after a bit of thought, it does appear reasonable, but I feel like English generally just uses the original pronouns and uses other wording to clear up the confusion. Ah hopefully that made some sense ^^' (Feel free to ask for clarification at any time-- I know I don't always word stuff well!) But anyways, I feel like "She turned to Noriko, who was already making her way back inside the temple, her face hidden from Diantha's view." could make sense as well. Just a suggestion though; I was able to understand the way you have it written now!

Noriko let out a small sigh; hiding her face from Diantha. "I don't know what's right; whether my original logic is sound or if leaving this place is better. All I know is that if I force you all into a course of action and we get hurt, that's on me."

Here I liked that we got some more insight into Noriko's character! She seems super responsible, and a bit of a perfectionist. ^^

The four of them traveled through the dense, freezing forest. The pine leaves shielded the night sky from their view, as they continued on and on.

Okay, so I think you mentioned earlier that the temperature in a taiga dips really low at night, so wouldn't the teens be shivering and getting hypothermia or something? Or do their powers help with that somehow? I feel like it'd be nice if you included a few more details about the cold (or lack of it, if they're not affected as much by the cold)! Just a small thing, though C:

Alrighty, things are moving along at a nice pace here. The teens have left the temple and are (hopefully) on their way to civilization... I'm still curious about Aden and Noriko's powers, though xD I'm looking forward to finding out! ^-^ Great job with this chapter, and I hope you keep writing! Have a fabulous day/night!! =D






Thank you once again for your review!

Oh yeah, the they-them thing. Other people have pointed it out when I showed them some of my fanfics. It's actually more to help ME distinguish the character's actions. I don't know, I just get confused really easily on who's doing what in those reading situations.

Stay tuned to more chapters! Once I get the motivation to review more works and earn more points that is! ^o^



Spearmint says...


Thanks for the reply!! And yup, those situations can be confusing-- I get that! ^-^ Good luck with the reviewing!! =D




Just because you don't feel like a hero in your own story, doesn't mean you're not a hero in someone else's.
— Tenyo