Saphira- A poem 4 a cat
Saphira sits down on her throne looking down at us
Then Gaba comes over and takes her little Kingdom.
Saphira hisses and skitters away off into another room
I enter the camber and she runs away
For I am the White Knight and I have come for her
Meal time comes and she whines for her food, Princess of the house.
Claims her spot beside the chair sipping from her silver goblet.
Wait... Oh no! Don't drink that, it's Gaba's coffee! Run Saphira!
She slides into Sami's room just in time
Goodnight everyone
Goodnight little Princess
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139,610 Literary Works • 672,620 Reviews
Hey, I'm here to review.
When someone mentions about cat, I'm naturally drawn to it. I like cats. :3
#NaRevWriMo #ReviewDay #GoTeamBigBang
Anyway, I want to talk about stylistic devices because, well, they're shown right now. First, the use of italics is frown upon, actually, but it doesn't distract that much. We're narrating a cat here so an exception is okay. But the bold. I don't know why there are bold words. From what I'm seeing, it boldens names but it doesn't serve other purpose than that.
Secondly, the events. I think it's cute, and it can be made cuter if you expand it more. Like, Saphira sitting on her throat. Is that it? How about her tail, does it move lazily? What about the air - is it filled with intense silence? And then Gaba takes it. Describe that. This is a good opportunity. Does he use his paws to scare her away? Does he meow fiercely? There's more you can do about it.
About the last two lines, I have to disagree with xJupiter. I think it's perfect to end the poem. Maybe you need to make it clear to us that it's night time before that so that it doesn't sound so sudden. It is like the storyteller giving all the clues for the words he's going to say next. It's nothing major though so you just need to give a bit addition to it. Lastly, split this into stanzas. It's neater that way and it'll tell the reader in a better fashion.
Anyway, I'm Lightsong and I'm signing off Alexa Bravva-style. Keep up the good job!
I like this poem. I also like cats.
I just found that the format was a little odd. This needs some organization and stanzas. If you separate your poem into stanzas it creates organization. This poem doesn't need all the bold and italicized font that it has, so just leave it at normal.
I know that the first line wasn't part of the poem, but please don't use text-chat in a published work.
I like the metaphor of the kingdom of the cat. Saphira seems to have her own little kingdom going on here and it's cool that you put emphasis on that. Most people wouldn't care enough about a cat to write a poem for it.
I wish you wouldn't use such an overused word like "takes." Try and use a better word rather than a simple verb that is used too much.
I'm pretty sure you meant to use the word "chamber" rather than "camber." The word "camber" means a slightly arched road of some sort. But a "chamber" is a room, which would be a better word to use to prevent confusion.
This "Goodnight" has nothing to do with the actual poem. Sure, you specified a mealtime, which could be dinner, which could be right before bed, but you didn't specify what time the "mealtime" was. You need to be more specific to prevent confusion. A few parts of this poem are a bit confusing, which you need to work on. Specify!
This poem was cute, I did like it, but it did need some critiquing.
Happy Review Day!
✖︎
Hey there Crystal! I mean wait, what? Pony xD
I think this poem is very simplistic. It needs a bit more spicing with and playing with. I know you are trying to make Saphira seem like a princess how she struts around and does what she was. I also think it's very nice that you wrote a poem for your cat. But this is basic poetry and there is so much more you can do with this!
I think you should have some similes. Similes is like saying Saphira is as tough as... whatever she's as tough as. The key words here are as ____ as. If you have that or 'like' in there, it's a simile. This would be a great use to you because it would be making Saphira show different values and virtues. You could say she is like a princess. But if you'd like to add more description in there you could say Saphira is as elegant as a deer, with a golden crown upon her brow that sparkles in the sunlight. See how beautiful it sounds?
If you make this longer, you could work more with layout. But I don't think that applies to you because this poem is so short. I liked the ending, where Saphira goes to bed and you basically say goodnight to her and everyone. If you were royal, you'd always be the person closing the party or whatever the situation is, so it seemed really fitting.
Another poetic technique that could be great here is alliteration. Alliteration is when every sentence starts with the same letter. It can help with what the poem sounds like out loud, and gives rhythm in some cases as well. You should really do something with the 's' of Saphira. Like: Saphira struts down the hallways, swiftly swishing her shining tail behind her. Or you could use some other letters, it's up to you.
If you want to look into other techniques, for this poem I suggest assonance and metaphors as well. It's up to you what you want to include though. Keep writing ^^
Deanie x
This poem confused me a little bit. it seemed at the start that your cat was deified, yet as it draws to a close she has to flee. I understand that the tenor of the poem is informal but like others have said, i think the metaphor of a cat actually seeming to be royalty would be better. if she was a treasured Queen this might make it a bit more interesting. If you let your love for your cat run through, maybe implying yourself as a loyal servant for your cat, the metaphor could be extended and run through the rest of the poem. I also feel it was cut a bit short. Other than that, an interesting read.
I like the while king, kingdom and Queen thing. Maybe you could've given the cat more nobleness, as an actual Queen. You could've taken advantage of using stubbornness m sibilants because of the cats name. You could have also written from the point of view from the cat to evoke a stronger sense of feeling. Some parts were quite informal for me and I lost the mood of the poem. But it's not a problem! It could have been longer