Somebody said that it couldn't be done
When in the chronicle of wasted time
I vex my heart with fancies dim:
Could not once blinding me, cruel, suffice?
You better not fool with a Bumblebee! --
Jack was a swarthy, swaggering son-of-a-gun.
I sing the body electric,
I know 'tis but a Dream, yet feel more anguish
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
This reminds me much of Lewis Carroll's writing in The Jabberwocky. Less about the sense it makes but about the feeling the sounds provide. "Swarthy, swaggering son of a gun" was my favorite bit. However, when one is writing a piece like this, there needs to be a bit more stucture. The title does explain a lot and without it, the reader would be lost, but the thoughts are scattered. Maybe you can go into what couldn't be done. What fancies the narrator has. What blinded her (?) cruelly. Who is Jack? What body is the electric one.
Rereading the poem as I write this, it almost feels as if the whole thing was a bad nightmare that left a bad taste in the mouth. Like a bad feeling one can't shake?
The poem leaves me a little lost, and I believe that adding a couple phrases of clarification would improve it.
Thank you for sharing this! It was whimsical
*thegreyreality
Okay, I think I like your idea, but each line sounds discordant. Like it is the ramblings of the crazy old drunkard on the corner and somehow makes a background story that would make sense if he was sober. But I get the first two lines, because the title explains everything, thanks for the tip by the way. I just want the fourth line explained in full, what cruelness, what blinded him/her, and what sufficed, (though that's the question)? Why does dream have an uppercase D and what is the body electric? I know this is a review full of questions but your poem raises curiosity and curiosity needs to be quelled with an answer before the cat dies. Thank you for reading this.
Hi RainbowPowerPonies! Happy Review Day! It's Catcha01, and I'm here to review your poem.
Okay so this a very interesting poem. One that I don't think I have ever come across. I think that it fits along very nicely with your deep and abstract title. The title was really nice by the way, drawing me in immediately. I have no nitpicks and really enjoyed reading your poem.
Great Job!
~Catcha01
This poem sounds very intricate, I'd love to know your self-commentary of it. Definitely something I'd read again, so much detail seems to be present in a simplistic group of stanzas.
It seems to contain some traces of your personality, I would assume. I really wouldn't change anything in the poem, poetic inspiration should transcend word order in my opinion. Good work, you have a way with words.