Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
He loves me. Or not.....
He loves me
I think
does he love she?
More than me?
Or am I overreacting
or is his heart reacting
to her blissful smile.
Clearly im not as attracting
as she is
clearly there's no reason for him to love me
does he love me?
I think he does...
maybe I should ask my cuz.
Or should I
I think im about to cry
I can feel the tears coming into my eyes
He loves me
maybe
or not.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Hello, and happy review day!
Let's start off with something I liked. I enjoyed the simplicity of this poem. It's very straightforward and doesn't use much figurative language, but I think it fits the style of the poem very well, so good job on that.
Now for something that I didn't like as much: As others have pointed out, the rhyme scheme isn't really consistent. Sometimes it rhymes, sometimes it doesn't. I think that you should either change this to make it rhyme consistently throughout, or just drop the whole rhyming thing and make it a free verse poem. I think free verse would fit the simple style better, and then you wouldn't have to manipulate words and phrases weirdly to fit the rhyme scheme.
Also, there are a few grammatical errors, which you can probably catch by proofreading.
Overall, I liked the emotion and wondering that was put into this poem. I can see that you're obviously scared of your boyfriend leaving you. This is short and sweet, it could just use some work on the rhyme scheme. Good job!
I like the way you wrote this...but, the way you tried to rhyme didn't really work in my opinion. I think if you thought deep and hard about this, you could improve this poem so much more. If you used some more detail, some more adjectives to describe people, or places, or feelings, you would have a great start! Word flow is another improvement that could be made. It feels kind of choppy when I read it. I think you have great potential, just a little more editing and you are all set!
Hey Pony
I'll start off with some teeny nitpicks:
I think you should a) change "she" to "her" and b) knock off the question mark after 'she" but keep the one after "me". Those two lines will flow better and have a smoother transition.
Not a big fan of the repetition here. I suggest you find a different way to tell us what his heart does when he sees the girl's smile.
I think changing "attracting" to "attractive" would work better.
Okay. I see that you tried to get a rhyme scheme going here and so you had to form sentences awkwardly or force words to rhyme to accomplish that. Because of that, your flow was choppy and some lines had a bad transition when going into the next line, so everything felt out of sync and odd. I do suggest you go back and edit this and try to fix these rhymes or cut them entirely. In my opinion, most poems that rhyme end up sounding forced at one point, so I prefer free form poetry.
But other than that, this was a good poem! The message behind this was sad, and I can feel the emotion put into this. This tells a sad tale of a girl who is scared her boyfriend is going to leave her because he has his eyes on another. I can feel the self-doubt, the fear, the anger, and it makes me sympathetic because I want to help this girl, to slap this boy and save the narrator from heartbreak. You did great with connecting with your female audience (and, I assume, the rare male) and this was very well written. Overall a nice poem, so thank you for sharing. ^^
I'm just trying to ryhme guys!
RoyalHighness has arrived to review!
So this is a bit of a fixer-upper...Just a few nitpicks, no worries!
First of all, you need some apostrophes in each "im," or it looks weird.
The spacing is uneven between lines ten and eleven and between lines seventeen and eighteen. It's not a big deal; it was just aggravating my OCD. Was that on purpose? Probably. If so, I respect your artistic decision and I'm going to go ponder the meaning of the spacing for the next four years.
I like that you changed "attractive," to "attracting," to rhyme with "overreacting." But other than that, the rhyme scheme is a little erratic. You might want to fix a few lines to help that out.
I think you could combine a few lines to make the sentences flow a little better.
And maybe this is just my inner grammar Nazi talking, but it really bugs me that you abbreviated "cousin," to "cuz." But that's just me. Someone else might think that's your creative genius showing. Do with that what you will.
Overall, I thought it was okay. Seven stars of ten for you, keep writing! I'm excited to see what else you can write!