The clock chimes midnight as I creep through the halls, sounding that there is no time to be nervous.
I feel my way through the gloom of the dark house, everything from the Victorian loveseat to the tall stately grandfather’s clock looming ghostly in the twilight. The soft orb of moonlight shimmers like crystals through the ice covered window pane as I step into the den. It is well titled den. A place where Brenkoff is rumored to hibernate for days on end, only to come out when morning is pulling back the petals of the roses.
The well-oiled hinges do not squeak when I pull the door closed behind me. My toes curl at the frigidness of the bare wood floor as I pause in the doorway. In the dim light I can make out the large oak desk in front of me, maybe six feet away. The two chairs sit as always by the door, one on either side. But it is as though the ghosts have just temporarily settled for now, watching me, waiting.
I step soundlessly to the desk, my toes feeling the shag of the Oriental rug. Its softness and warmth. I tug at each of the drawers, shuffling through the papers and receipts and cigar boxes before coming upon the last one. It was locked.
I pause, thoughtful. No one knows Brenkoff better than me I suppose, and now I ponder that. I carefully slide the middle drawer on the right from its place, setting it gently on the desktop and feel my hand underneath the frame work. Smirking with satisfaction I snatch the key from its hiding place, not bothering to replace the drawer and insert it into the lock. With a brief twist I am in.
Few papers are inside the deep drawer, but I pull out a manila folder, and flip it open. There, in loose sheets is a stack of pages. I shuffle through them excitedly and begin to read. Few paragraphs in I am biting my lip, my breath catching as I read of plots of conspiracy, and murder. My eyes feel strained in the darkness, but still I must read, all thoughts of triumph now turned to terror. Brenkoff has the ability to do that to people.
I unknowingly sink to the chair, the plush leather conforming to my body. Any other time I would have relished it. Now, though, my attention is simply riveted to those pages and their ghastly contents. The clock chimes one and I can barely comprehend it. Had I not just now sat down? And still so many pages left...
"Well, well, well," The voice comes sly and slick from the doorway and I jump, the pages scattering to the desk and floor. "What have we here?"
It is Brenkoff, I know before I turn.
He steps from the doorway coming nearer the desk, and reaches out to take a handful of the papers. He glances at them and I know he already knew what they were. I had bolted from my seat and now stood, shifting from one foot to the other nervously. What would happen next? Even I did not know. Brenkoff was rumored to have certain spells, but how would I know if I caught him in a bad one? I would just know, that’s all.
"Reading ahead?" He asked holding up a sheaf of the loose pages.
I nod dumbly as a slow smile spreads on his face.
"Well, what did you think of my plans?"
What should I say? Of course I know what I should say! "Oh, it was wonderful!" I gushed. And why not? I meant every word of it.
Brenkoff is grinning now and taking my arm, leads me around the desk to give me a hug. "Great! What do you say we go get some hot chocolate and then finish this off together in the kitchen?"
I smile now too, as I help pick up some loose pages. "OK. Oh, and Dad?" He turns to look at me. "It really is a great manuscript. You definitely have the next best-seller on your hands with this one."
"I’m glad you agree." Dad picks up the folder, stuffing the papers inside. "Now, let’s go get some of that hot chocolate."
Somehow with Dad, even at sixteen, I can feel seven again, at just the mention of hot chocolate. And another international best-seller. At one o’clock in the morning.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
hello. I don't think I've reviewed any short stories in a good while, so I was looking forward to reading this.
"Creep" is an interesting word choice to me, because it makes me think the main character is up to no good. You could probably choose a lot of different verbs there, but "creep" just sets the stage to something very interesting. I like it :p
This is a nice level of detail, and the setting is drawn well with your particular eye for detail. This is a very nice paragraph altogether, although the first two sentences are a bit of a mouthful. So, we get into just what the plot is about...alright. My question now is who is
Brenkoff?
So, the nervousness of the main character is pretty well articulated here, and once again, I love your sense of detail. So, you introduce another question to us: what is the main character doing? It's rather enjoyable to see you articulate this vivid scenery while slowly inserting questions into the reader's minds, and at the same time there's this nice level of suspense being built. Well done overall; the first two sentences in the paragraph can fit as one, since it's the same detail and you don't seem that concerned with sentence length overall, but it doesn't make a gigantic difference.
Don't take my word for it because I'm not the grammar guru, but I think you need a comma between "satisfaction" and "I snatch".
Now, it really does seem like "creep" was the appropriate word; the main character definitely does seem to be up to no good. I'll have to admit that I had to read the second half of this paragraph a couple times to realize what was going on, "I am in" made me think the main character was opening a door to a new location, not opening a lock. It just sounds like entering an actual physical location, not a drawer.
The first part of this paragraph isn't really necessary, just get to the point at this point. Ah, so I guess this character was going to read their grandparent's book in progress. Not really up to no good in the grand scheme of things, but hm. This is interesting.
...Grandpa, dad, close enough x_x
Generally, I like the twist at the end, but...
I think you could play up a little bit more shock here, just by including "What have we here?" in the first sentence of dialogue, then getting rid of the "I know before I turn" to "It is Brenkoff". But that's just what I'd do x_x
Overall, this was fun to read, nice suspense and nice ending. Well done.
Thanks so much!
this was really good. i especially like the very last paragraph.
i enjoyed the building of suspense that ended on a good note...or is it a good note? am i detecting an interesting undercurrent?
wonderful imagery and good descriptions. i especially liked:
"The soft orb of moonlight shimmers like crystals through the ice covered window pane as I step into the den."
and
"My toes curl at the frigidness of the bare wood floor..."
and the part about the softness of the Oriental rug. Things like that create a vivid, well rounded picture in my mind using my senses.
well done.
Thanks so much!
Hey! ajruby here to review!
First off, I love how you drew the reader into the story with all the details... And then left it on a cute note. I only found two typos/mistakes. "He steps from the doorway coming nearer the desk" (missing punctuation) and "...as I step into the den. It is well titled den." I assume you meant a well tiled? Or something of that sort!
On that note, that sentence, "It is well titled den." seems a bit awkward, for the suspense of the story.
"I had bolted from my seat and now stood, shifting from one foot to the other nervously." Wouldn't the person be a little more panicked? Perhaps more like "...and now stood, frozen in my spot by the penetrating glare." I don't know, I'm not the author.
But overall, this was a delight to read and very well done! Keep on writing!
-ajruby (The Silver Lady)
Thanks for you're feedback. My overall goal in "I had bolted from my seat and now stood, shifting from one foot to the other nervously" was to portray that she isn't so much as fearful is she as nervous because she knows its her father. That also applies to her response to the "rumors"
I'll try to be more clear next time! Thanks again!
Ah, gotcha. When I was reading through it, it just seemed like a weak response to being caught. (But that was before i realized what was actually going on)