To envy or not to envy, that is the question.
To envy the sky for its blue aurora?
or to envy the stripping light of the sun
which pounds down upon our own Sodom and Gomorra.
Do not envy poets, some say
For a poet knows no riches nor gain
Their heads are always in the clouds seeking light
But what do they do when it rains?
They write their feelings, their dreams
their expectations of life.
Others say they do envy poets,
How they can feel death lurking on a stray sun ray
Or hear soft flute music drifting over flower lotus
But what do poets say?
Do they wish to be envied or simply left alone
with their torturous thoughts and lives
and all the earth to roam.
The word envious is grossly overrated
and simply causes strife.
To put it simply,
I may envy their words, but I do not envy their life.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,585 Literary Works • 672,611 Reviews
Hi! You've done a lot of reviews and I need to write a review today so I figured why not review you?
This feels like you're saying the same thing twice? If you mean gain as in gaining admiration then I feel like that needs to be clearer. Perhaps 'knows not riches or fame' or 'Knows not riches or glory'? That would also help you avoid the awkward half rhyme you have with gain and rains which feels a bit forced.Line-by-line
1. Nice opening, very quickly sets the theme and rhythm of the poetry and tells us this is going to be either in the Shakespearean style or some kind of parody of his writing.
2. I'm not sure about the use of 'stripping' in the third line. I can sort of see what you were going for, with the idea that the sun reveals more as the day goes on or something? But as a line on its own, with no lead up, it doesn't really work. The word itself isn't particularly romantic either since it can have bad connotations. Oh - or were you going for the parable where the sun makes the girl take her coat off? I don't know the references Sodom and Gomorra (which google tells me should be Gomorrah) but a quick look up tells me enough that I think they fit the poem. Maybe instead of stripping you could use revealing or undressing?
3. The line 'Do not envy poets, some say' may flow better as 'Do not envy poets, say some'.
4.
5. Nice ending!
Overall
I like what you have here but I feel like it's missing the balanced argument. At the moment, you have a lot of weight behind 'to not envy' and not much behind why poets should be envied. You've given us the argument of their words but what else makes them enviable? Their readiness to love, their openness with others? The variety of their lives or how they can use their words to woo lovers for themselves or dress in their own style and simply say they're being creative? I think since you evoked the Shakespearean era then you need to consider that actually in his time poets did have fame and you could make a living from it, though not always easily.
I think it would also be good to have a few examples of poets through time who've had joys or fallen on misfortune. It might even be nice to have a couple more lines in there which follow the theme of other famous writers works so this doesn't lean quite so heavily to making us think of Shakespeare. You could take a line from Dickinson like 'There's a certain slant of light' or borrow something from Browning or Heaney. I think there's a lot of room here to add more depth to this poem and to be a little more clever about it with a few more head nods to the greats and maybe more poetic devices. The personification of the sun is nice but could you build on the pathetic fallacy of the rain or maybe try some sibilance/ assonance somewhere?
Altogether a good start, but I'd like to see you do more with it. All the best!
~Heather
I've never thought of doing any of that and I'll have to look into it!
Thanks for the review, it was very helpful!!
No problem
Oh God. This is one of the best poems I have read in this society.
You precisely highlighted the life of poets. While the world envies their words, it is a mere outlet for them. An outlet of their frustration, anguish, solitude, incompleteness. Each and every line of the poem poses such a stinging impact on the soul. Bravo!
Wow, thanks for the encouragement!
~RagingLive
This poem is very good the beginning is very good one with natural objects as clouds and sun rays. then the climax opens that are the poets the ones to be envied of. from materialistic point of veiw the the poets are no one to be jealous of but through their own poetic vision they are the blessed ones to have the ability to write down everything on the peice of paper, to enjoy freedom of speech and actions.the ending to is verythat we should envy their excellent skills of using words but must not envy them.however i am envy of such a great poet as u.
xD thanks so much for the review!
~RagingLive
This "Envy..." poem thing went crazy. Your poem is the truth and it sounds great!
Thanks so much!
I love it. It was very free, and descriptive. Sad, but happy. You had a great deal of feelings in this poem. I like simple poems, but with a lot of meaning. I'm glad you didn't write about love in here. You don't know how many depressing poems I read about love. They really turn you off from poetry. This was a nice change of pace. This was probably one of the best poems I've read. You'll have to excuse me, because I suck at poetry.
Anyways, I'm just rambling. You really did a good job, and I encourage you to do more poetry like this. Have a very, very nice day, and may you find a four-leaf clover.
Thanks for reviewing! I'm glad you liked it!
~RagingLive
P.S.
I ramble a lot, too xD
the poem opened good, but the pace dragged a little towards the end. i liked your work however i have a set of suggestions-
"Their heads are always in the clouds seeking light", in place of the word ''heads'' you should rather use ''mind'' , that makes more sense. i like your style of connecting lines, it gives a flow and i am well aware that it is a tough thing to do.
"and all the earth to roam."- do you mean it literally or just in the mind?
"I may envy their words, but I do not envy their life."- you have used their which does not indicate a poet in particular. so you may as well use "lives'' in place of ''life'' in this line.
i liked your thought and expression. you have a great talent in you indeed. but towards the end at some point i found the poem was missing beats [ may be it was just my perception but think about it and read your poem once to make sure]. i would certainly look forward to read some more of your wonderful works.
Rituparna
OK, thanks for the review! I was speaking about 'life' as in I don't envy their way of life.
~RagingLive
Hi! I love all these envy poems going around, they're simply amazing.
Your imagery was awesome. You wrote beautiful lines full of beautiful imagery, and you also made it rhyme! That is talent. >.<
I especially love this little part;
I jut thought that really struck home for me. Not sure why, it just popped out at me and hooked me in. I love it.
The only other thing I have to say is maybe cut out on the word 'envy'. I know that's what this poem is about, but I feel like it's in their too many times (at least it's in there too many times for my taste).
Great job, keep writing! <3
~ EternalRain
Thanks for the review! I'm glad you liked it because I just wrote it on a spur of the moment kind of thing!
~RagingLive
I loved your 2 lines "For a poet knows no riches nor gain, Their heads are always up in the sky seeking light" and how you have showed different points of view. How you have reflected two different opinions (to envy or not to envy), the poet, and your own belief by ending "I may envy their words, but not their life". I believe this is what makes it so life-like and what I sincerely loved about your poem. Keep writing!
Thanks so much! Welcome to YWS, I hope you like it here!
~RagingLive
Hi , this is my first review I apologise if it isn't much help. I love your poem, you have good use of repetition and I really like your use of imagery. Most of all; I admire the way you make it feel like you are talking to me.
Wow, thanks for the review! Also, welcome to YWS!!!
*Busts out party poppers*
~RagingLive
Thanks%uD83D%uDE03