z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Thrallmagic: Chapter 6

by TheCrimsonLady


Chapter 6

My horse moves, anxious to run, and I rub his head, trying to soothe him. Finally, Prince Alexander leads his horse out from the stables, mounting it and smoothly positioning himself beside me.

“I don’t know if you’ve met them, but-“ He gestures grandly to the vampire soldier and the lady behind them. “-these are my cousins, Lord Cyan and Lady Cassandra.”

I narrow my eyes at them. “And why, exactly, have they been following me around ever since they arrived?”

Lord Cyan answers my question. “My apologies, your highness, but I am charged with the protection of my prince.”

I raise an eyebrow, but don’t pursue the subject, not wanting to keep pushing the diplomatic boundaries. “Of course.” Glancing around I don’t see Blathen, so I gesture to the path, hoping to leave him behind.

“Rionach?” Blathen’s voice sounds from behind me, and I twist around, masking my annoyance.

Making my voice sweet, I say, “Blathen. I thought you wouldn’t make it.”

He smiles at me. “I wouldn’t miss this for the world, your highness.”

I smile back for show, and the five of us set off. Eventually, we leave the castle close, and the people around us drop away. A few guards follow us at a distance, should anything go wrong. Alexander and Blathen ride on either side of me, and Cassandra and Cyan ride side by side, talking, a bit behind us.

When we reach the woods near Lindon’s camp, I subtly turn us away, not wanting anyone to stumble upon Lindon and my secret place. The clearing stays hidden by the trunks of trees that look too close together to get through, even when we pass directly by it. The sun barely makes it through the leaf cover, and insects play lazily in the warm breeze that has picked up.

“Your highness, would you dine with me tonight?” When Blathen asks the question, Alexander allows himself to fall back and laughs at something Cyan says.

Of course, your highness.” I ignore him, and he takes the hint, an expression of rage on his face. He slows down for a second and waits for Cassandra to catch up, and starts to flirt with her. Her laugh rings out in the relative silence, but the forest quickly absorbs it.

Slowly, the light grows as we ride, and I let myself go a little faster. Soon, the mud beneath the horses’ feet is damp, long grass, and the sound of a stream of water reaches my ears. When I hear a horse approaching, I turn, and meet the eyes of Cyan. He studies me, his brown eyes flicking over my face.

Lord Cyan, you do realise it’s considered rude to stare at people?” My voice is filled with sarcasm, and I hear a low snort from Blathen that the others miss.

His expression turns to one of confusion, but the he gives me a guarded smile. “Funny, none of the ladies ever say that.”

I smile back sweetly, saying, “Will you at least stop following me around like a lost puppy now?”

Lost puppy?” He raises his eyebrows mischievously. “More like a wolf on the hunt, I do believe.”

You believe.” I glance forward, making sure we haven’t reached the invisible drop off yet. It looms in the distance, and I rein my horse in, wanting to slow down. Raising my voice, I say, “Careful, there’s a cliff up ahead.”

A cliff?” Cassandra’s refined, delicate voice reaches my ears. “Why would you bring us to a cliff, to kill us all?” She laughs mockingly, reining in to a halt.

I twist around to answer her, masking my irritation at her shallow jab. “There’s a path down to a sprite pool. The waterfall is quite pretty, and it’s a lovely place to picnic.” We start off again, and nobody speaks. The air is tense; the people impatient. When we finally get to the path, Cyan snorts.

That’s not a path, your highness, that’s a death trap.” Still, he nudges his horse forward until he sees the path more clearly.

Lady Cassandra also comes forward, her fingers holding the reins in a death grip. “I am not going down that thing.” Her voice is contemptuous, and filled with fear. I want to snap, “Well, who asked you to come?” but I refrain, controlling myself.

It’s not as bad as it looks, and the horses can take it just fine. Besides, it’s not even very steep.”

She still shakes her head, too afraid to go further. Alexander tries to reason with her, but gets nowhere. In the end, she rides with Cyan, clutching her brother’s waist so hard I wonder how he can breathe. Alexander leads her horse, and we set off in single file. The soldier escort rides at the head, and I follow behind him, with Blathen behind me. Cyan and Cassandra follow him, and Alexander riders at the rear, with the riderless mare obediently trotting behind him.

We get to the bottom without incident, and I sigh in relief when we all dismount. I dismount and hand my reins to one of the guards, who takes the horse away and ties the reins to a nearby tree. We all sit on the ground, and I let my hand skim the water. A calm falls over the group, and we chat about nonsense calmly.

Do you know what flower this is, your highness?” Cyan holds a tiny white bud in his gloved hand, an eyebrow raised.

How could I not? That is a thrallflower, Lord Cyan. Fae enchanters mix their essence in our wine to create thrallwine.” I toss a blade of grass at him, smiling mischievously, and he smiles back.

Cassandra daintily pulls off her boots and lets her feet dangle in the water, which sparkles merrily at us. I stand up and fetch the basket of food from my saddlebags, opening it and taking a piece of crystal sugar. Alexander lazily snatches a small loaf of bread and offers half to Cyan. “Do you even eat, your highness?”

Alexander’s question takes me by surprise, and I hesitate before answering. “Of course I eat! We don’t eat meat, or anything with salt in it. I’ve heard people say that our food is sweet, because we put honey in everything.”

Cyan nods affirmation. “That’s true. It’s a nice change from what we eat back home, though.”

It’s a shame that our countries have warred so much that we hardly know anything about each other anymore.” Cassandra’s high voice cuts into our conversation, and after muttering a few things, we fall into another awkward silence.

Eventually, the sun dips in the horizon, and we brush ourselves off and get up to leave. Cassandra rides with her brother up to slope, and we journey back to the castle in relative silence.

We dismount and give our horses back to the stablemaster. I bid Alexander and his cousins goodbye, and Blathen approaches me. “Your highness, when will I see you tonight?”

Pretending to yawn, I say, “Prince Blathen, I would love to dine with you tonight, but I’m quite exhausted now. Perhaps we can meet tomorrow.” Inwardly, I hope he’ll say no, that he’s busy, but I know that that will never happen.

Inclining his head, he replies, “But of course, your highness.” He steps closer, and grips my waist, too quickly for me to react. “I do hope you won’t cancel on me again, Rionach.” His fingers dig into my hipbone hard enough to bruise, and I struggle in his grip. Letting go as quickly as he had grasped me, he vanishes in a shimmer of light, his eye glimmering evilly.

Trying to put Blathen out of my mind, I walk back to my rooms, knowing I’ll have to get ready for my tryst with Arianna in the woods.


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Wed Apr 27, 2016 12:18 pm
Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

I'm doing my best to start catching up on novels again. Expect some more reviews from me ^_^

My horse moves, anxious to run, and I rub his head, trying to soothe him.

This sentence is too cluttered for my tastes. I think if you took out the part about the horse moving and just left it as "My horse is anxious to run" it'll work better. There are a lot of actions separated by those commas. It's choppy and hard to read.

“I don’t know if you’ve met them, but-“ He gestures grandly to the vampire soldier and the lady behind them. “-these are my cousins, Lord Cyan and Lady Cassandra.”

Similarly, the dashes here break the flow. It would work just as well to leave the first dialogue at "I don't know if you've met them." and then mention him gesturing back. Otherwise the dash acts like a comma, causing a dialogue tag to be necessary. As it is now, there should really be a "he said as he gestures" or something along those lines here.

When Blathen asks the question, Alexander allows himself to fall back and laughs at something Cyan says.

“Of course, your highness.” I ignore him, and he takes the hint, an expression of rage on his face.

I'm being super nitpicky today I apologize. Since both Blathen and Alexander are mentioned here, I'm not sure who this "he" is that Ria ignores. Reading through it again, Cyan is the last male to be mentioned so I can assume that it's him. But he's behind her with Alexander so Ria wouldn't be able to see his expression. The same can be said about Alexander, so it has to be Blathen. The problem is, Ria does answer his question, which isn't ignoring him at all. If you want to show Ria's true feelings about dining with Blathen maybe focus on describing her tone of voice, or the way she refuses to look at him. That would yield the same reaction.

This horse ride is a bit under developed. I mean, sure it's more about character interaction than the actual horse riding, but I don't know anything about what's happening during this horse ride. What exactly is going through Ria's mind during this ride? How does she feel about Blathen riding too? It's obvious she didn't want him to come, but that's as far as we get to see. I would've liked to see, possibly, her brooding on top her horse, furious that she didn't shake Blathen before they started. I wanted to get inside Ria's head, peek at her thoughts for a moment.

My voice is filled with sarcasm, and I hear a low snort from Blathen that the others miss.

I might've already mentioned this, but I can't remember if I said it in one of your reviews or in someone else's. I follow too many novels. Since this is written in first person, we only know what Ria knows. When Blathen snorts, there's no way she can know that the others missed it. She's not in their heads. I can understand how you want to describe it as something only she can hear. Instead you could describe how he tried to hide it or that he made it, possibly, quiet and quick so that anyone could miss it. Ria just can't say everyone else missed it.

When they reached the cliff, I found myself wanting some description. I wanted to know what it looked like, why exactly everyone was so terrified to descend the path. The image of a cliff is self explanatory, but not every cliff is the same. Duh, Noelle, Aurora knows that. That would be a wonderful place for some beautiful imagery. And some dangerous imagery, something to back up everyone's fear of descending this path.

This chapter works well. When I first read through it I felt less than excited about the idea of it. What's the point of a horse ride to only have idle chit chat before coming right back to the castle? But then I read again and realized there's some important events in this chapter. Like the encounters with Blathen. It's obvious that he wants something from Ria. I could've already known this, but I haven't read in so long that I've forgotten some things. Ignore my ignorance if there's any. If he only wanted to have dinner with her he'd be a lot nicer. That vice grip he has on her at the end makes me nervous. In a good way. He's someone to watch out for. Another villain to rival Ria's mother, possibly.

I shall get to the next chapter soon!

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




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Mon Feb 01, 2016 7:29 pm
Pompadour wrote a review...



And I'm baaack~

Well, that was an abrupt beginning. It was definitely a cut-off from where we left our last chapter and I'm longing to find out what went on at Queen&Daughter ltd. following Ria's outburst in chapter four. I don't have much to say about this chapter; I liked that we saw more of Alexander and Blathen, but I dislike how Cyan took up more elbow-room than either of the two in this particular chapter. Don't make this a case of balancing too many characters on one rock at high-tide, because some of them might lose their footing and disappear amongst the waves--it's difficult to build up a clear image of any of the lads (besides Blathen, the utter sleazeball) in my head. I have a feeling that Alexander is going to become more important as the story weaves on, so I'd advise you to establish a more firm footing where he's concerned, at this point in the novel, just so things become easier later on in the story. (Again, all second-draft things.) I'm having a hard time analysing his character, as of now. He's occasionally nonchalant and casual, yet at the same time, he seemed to me in the second chapter to be more of a ... careful person, guarded albeit his cordial interaction with Rionach.

I'm also keen on knowing more about the cultural aspect of things, of these kingdoms and stuff, and their mechanics, so a little more time talking about them wouldn't be ill-spent, right? Besides that--the mention of thrallwine was a real nice insert. Have I ever mentioned what a cool name that is? Because it is muy cool.

AREN'T FAERIES AND VAMPIRES SUPPOSED TO HATE EACH OTHER? D: I thought the situation would be slightly more tense.

This chapter was a bit sparse. It needs some buffing up; it acted mostly as filler, but that's okay, because we got some insight into Blathen (and I know how important he is later on), and character-driven chapters are good.

Wasn't Rionach supposed to meet Lindon in the woods as well (see: chap 15)? Or is the lack of sleep getting to me and am I just majorly confused at this point? Because unless she's already met Lindon, or she has a time-turner, I can't see how she'd be in two places at once. Just some timeline stuff you might want to sort out. (Unless I'm at fault, which is most likely the case here.)

Keep writing!

As always,

~Pomp x




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Sun Sep 27, 2015 7:43 pm
lostthought wrote a review...



Allo, Aura! *Mwuahahahaha totally didn't spend the last I don't know how long because my mind's been going foggy with time rereading so I can actually review one of the chapters without getting mega confused.* Well, I'm just going to review now!

Nitpicks:

Spoiler! :
The air is tense; the people impatient.

I'm not quite sure the semicolon is appropriate here since they separate two independent clauses (I think I phrased that correctly) and the second clause is dependent. Maybe replace it with an "and" or add an "are" after people.

Her voice is contemptuous, and filled with fear.

NOOO, NOT THE COMMA, NO COMMA NEEDED HERE, FEMME.

Cassandra rides with her brother up to slope

I'm pretty sure that you meant "up the" slope, Aura. *Unless "up to slope" is a bizarre phrase I've never heard before."*


I'm just going to comment first on Blathen because, excuse my french, he is a little shit. Not just a little one. A big one. The one that causes concern enough to visit a doctor. Because, like, this:
His fingers dig into my hipbone hard enough to bruise, and I struggle in his grip.
is only one of the reasons that he deserves to be punched for. A sucker punch right in his nose. He's going to be the runt to betray Ria and it's just going to be extremely expected. *Let's hope he gets beaten*

Ria, well, you do gotta admire her. I probably would've hit half these people by now. Or swore vigorously because if I was her, I technically wouldn't be able to lie, now would I? I wonder what she's going to do about the vampire peoples. Will they join her side or will they withdraw? LET US SEE BECAUSE I HAVE 11 CHAPTERS TO HIT UP.

I better sum this up because I've literally been working on the review for an hour due to severe lapses in focus. I wonder what's going to happen in the woods, will all swear loyalty? Will Arianna please lop Blathen's head off? (I really don't like Blathen, nice on making a character that's impossible to like) Hopefully the vampire cousins stop stalking Ria because then they might happen upon the meeting. Well, next chapter with only 1 review! Keep writing or eeeelllsse.

~lost




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Sun Sep 27, 2015 6:46 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



You know the drill by now ^^

Specifics

1.

“I don’t know if you’ve met them, but-“ He gestures grandly to the vampire soldier and the lady behind them. [This should maybe be him? The lady behind the vampire soldier or do you mean to suggest the vampire soldier and the lady behind them as in Ria and Alexander?] “-these are my cousins, Lord Cyan and Lady Cassandra.”


2.
“Of course, your highness.” I ignore him, and he takes the hint, an expression of rage on his face. He slows down for a second and waits for Cassandra to catch up, and starts to flirt with her. Her laugh rings out in the relative silence, but the forest quickly absorbs it.
I'm not quite following here - it doesn't sound like she's ignoring him, it sounds like she has accepted? Or is the 'him' supposed to refer to Alexander? If that's the case, you need to use his name instead to make it clearer.

3.
Slowly, the light grows as we ride, and I let myself go a little faster. Soon, the mud beneath the horses’ feet is damp, long grass, and the sound of a streamof water reaches my ears.


4.
His expression turns to one of confusion, but then he gives me a guarded smile. “Funny, none of the ladies ever say that.”


5.
We get to the bottom without incident, and I sigh in relief when we all dismount. I dismount and hand my reins to one of the guards, who takes the horse away and ties the reins to a nearby tree.


6.
We all sit on the ground, and I let my hand skim the water. A calm falls over the group, and we chat about nonsense calmly.
Try to avoid using both calm and calmly in the same sentence - perhaps replace one with peace or peacefully.

7.
Inclining his head, he replies, “But of course, your highness.” He steps closer, and grips my waist, too quickly for me to react. “I do hope you won’t cancel on me again, Rionach.” His fingers dig into my hipbone hard enough to bruise, and I struggle in his grip. Letting go as quickly as he had grasped me, he vanishes in a shimmer of light, his eye glimmering evilly.
Try to avoid telling us outright that he's evil. You could instead say menacingly or 'with amusement' which would create equally as dark a scene and not feel like you're shouting too loudly that he's a bad guy.

Overall

This chapter's a little dull. Nothing of consequence seems to happen until the end and then it's only to give us the information that Blathen is not a great guy, which we already sensed at the start. Or at least we knew Ria didn't like him. I think the dialogue during the ride and the picnic is too fluffy and doesn't tell us enough about who the characters are. I liked Cyan's lines and found him interesting but other than that there wasn't enough going on to hold my attention. The descriptions of the little picnic area down the steep trail was nice.

~Heather




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Wed Sep 02, 2015 10:55 am
Lightsong wrote a review...



Hey, I'm here to review this interesting novel chapter! :D

First, the suggestions;

Spoiler! :
I raise an eyebrow, but don’t pursue the subject, not wanting to keep pushing the diplomatic boundaries.


An "I" before "don't". I'd like to think that conjunctions link two independent clauses.

Glancing around I don’t see Blathen, so I gesture to the path, hoping to leave him behind.


A comma after "around".

“Why would you bring us to a cliff, to kill us all?”


This is a perfect place to substitute the comma with a hyphen. It makes the latter part a sudden arrival, making it a surprise.

I want to snap, “Well, who asked you to come?” but I refrain, controlling myself.


This one is worded weirdly. My suggestion: If I didn't control myself, I would snap at her for coming.

Cyan nods affirmation.


An "an" after "nods".


For the plot, characters, and settings;

I find the journey to the pool is enjoyable to read. The execution is not bad. In terms of relevancy, however, it doesn't tell us to where the plot is going. It doesn't indicate where the story is leading us to perhaps because everything happens casually in it without any sense of urgency. The tidbit about the thrallflower is interesting but has no purpose rather than dropping a bit information of the surrounding.

That being said, I think the journey can be used to establish a relationship between these characters - Rionach with Cassandra, Blathen, Alexander and Cyan, and otherwise. It would be interesting to see how their personalities clashes. There's a lively exchange between Rionach and Cyan but not so much with others. I think the "chat about nonsense" can be shown instead of told.

You can work more with the setting too. I think the only description that shows the beauty of the sprite pool is when the water sparkles merrily. What is described as "merrily"? If you explain more about this, and put in how the sky looks like, how the air feels, and all the things a pool should have, a reader can imagine clearly their resting place.

The ending part with Blathen is sure interesting. I didn't expect him to act like that and this surprise by his action makes me want to read more to what would happen to him. That's all. Keep up the good job! :D





"Beneath this mask, there is more than flesh. Beneath this mask, there is an idea, Mr. Creedy, and ideas are bulletproof."
— V for Vendetta