Thrallmagic: Chapter 21

by TheCrimsonLady

Published January 6, 2016

16+ Violence Mature Content

In Thrallmagic

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.

Chapter 21

I hurry over to the girl who’s fallen, and notice with some surprise that it is none other than Lady Vanessa. Crouching down next to her, I ask, “Are you alright? What happened?” Her knife lies nearby, on a wet patch of grass.

Wiping it off on my cloak, I hand it back to her, and she grasps it as she says, “Niall and I- we were- talking.” Her breath comes in little pants, and she moans with pain.

“Tell us later, Vanessa. You’ve hurt yourself.” I make my voice gentle to soften the harsh words. Turning around, I say to the group, “Give her some space! And send someone to the castle for a healer.” Lindon sends one of his men galloping back to the castle and nods to me, his expression grave.

A hand tugging on my cloak brings my attention back to Vanessa. She grits her teeth, and through the pain, groans, “You don’t understand. There’s a drop off just past the tree line.” She looks half wild as she twists to see the trees. “Niall- I heard a noise, and he- there was- I was-“ She lets out a little sob and stops talking.

I lay a hand on her shoulder. “I understand. I’ll go look for him now. Don’t worry yourself anymore.” I turn around again, and meet Lindon’s gaze. I tip my head towards Vanessa and get up. My heart thuds in my chest as I approach the trees, because if there truly is a drop off, we might never find Niall. A pair of guards and a few nobles flank me, but I gesture for them to stay back. Cautiously, I pad towards the trees, calling Niall’s name. When no reply comes, I walk faster, biting my lip.

When I get past the tree line, my heart jumps into my throat as I look at the steep ravine and river. The forests in Valkyr are always shifting- overnight, sometimes. This was created sometime recently, but I don’t sense any magical snares or traps that might suggest that this was created purposely. It seems as though the trees have moved, as they are apt to do. Carefully, I step down, towards the piece of gold I see, trying not to fall flat on my face. The ground is littered with dead leaves, and the trees for a canopy so there isn’t much light. I slide forward on a leaf, but manage to stop myself from falling. Turning around, I glimpse at least half the hunting party standing at the top of the ravine, and although I am concerned for Niall, my blood sings with joy when I realize that if I manage to get Niall back up to everyone, I’ll have won at least some of their loyalties.

A soft groan reaches my ears, distracting my from my thoughts, and I walk a little faster, still being careful not to fall to my death. When I finally come to the golden speck- which has turned into the hilt of a sword- I let out a sigh of relief. Niall is covered in leaves, and is bleeding from a cut on his forehead, but he’s regaining consciousness without help, which makes it a little easier for me to get him back up the slope. I crouch down very carefully, removing my cloak and dropping it to the side as I do so. Twigs crunch under my boot as I drop a knee down, sending a nearby squirrel running up a tree.

“Niall? Can you walk?” I smooth his hair back from his forehead and slowly reach down to the river. A thin layer of ice has already formed, but I break through it easily and collect some cold water in my hands. I sprinkle it on Niall’s face, hoping to rouse him further, and I sigh in relief as his eyes flutter open with a start.

Before I can warn him, he tries to get up, but the leaves under him cause him to slide. The last thing I see of him is his horrified expression as he breaks through the river ice and falls into the current. I sit there, frozen, for a moment before I realise what I have to do. Standing up, I kick my boots off and plunge into the river after Niall. When the icy cold water meets my chest, I gasp, and force myself to keep going despite the chill. Diving under, I start to swim, letting the current carry me. I catch sight of a man’s boot and try to go faster. Niall is struggling in the icy water, gasping for air and thrashing.

All I have is a moment to clasp his waist before the current pushes us onward, and deeper. We go underwater, and Niall thrashes in my grasp, making it harder for me to keep ahold on him. I try to get back to the top, but the current won’t allow me to, especially with Niall’s weight dragging me down. The tightness in my chest increases, and Niall sags in my arms. I pray to all the gods that we’ll make it to the surface before we both drown. I fight to keep from taking a breath, and look for a handhold as the current slows. Grasping Niall more firmly, I kick up to the surface to take a breath.

There is another layer of ice, and I push up against it- only it won’t budge. I push harder, beating against it. Tears mix with the river water around me as I cry from the effort of not taking a breath. My vision starts tunneling, but I refuse to give up. I try to summon some fire to my hand- or at least enough heat for me to melt the ice, but I’m so cold, and so tired, that I find I cannot. I try again, gathering all of my strength and pouring it into this one last task. Finally- finally, my hand warms, and I break through the ice, just as my vision begins to fade. Instinctively, I kick up to the tiny hole I’ve made.

When my head breaks through the ice, I cough, gulping the air as I cry in happiness. Somehow, even with my half-frozen fingers, I manage to draw Niall’s dagger from his belt, where my hand rests, and use it to chip through enough of the ice so I can pull Niall up with me. Latching onto his arm, I heave myself out of the water, shivering in the cold air. No help is in sight, so I pull as hard as I can, managing to slowly inch him out of the water. My strength is gone, and I know that if I try to stand up, I’ll faint, but I try to summon a flicker of air to start Niall breathing again. Nothing is there, though, so I drag him upright and hit his back violently. Thankfully, he starts coughing, and I let myself fall back, and don’t move until the world stops spinning and the trees come back into focus.

Taking a deep breath, I sit up, shivering. Niall has finished coughing and sits clutching his head. A gust of wind makes the leaves rustle, and I wrap my arms around myself, trying not to shiver. The tips of my fingers are pale blue, and when I try to unhook my dagger belt, which has wrapped itself around my thigh, I fumble around for a while before finally giving up.

“Are you alright, your highness?” Niall’s voice is hoarse, and I can barely hear him.

I nod. “Fine. And yourself? Do you think you can stand?” I rub my hands vigorously to try and bring some feeling back into them.

Nodding, Niall pushes himself up. Immediately, he sways, and I rush to support him. Groaning, he takes a step, then another, and then another. At a slow, limping pace, we walk slowly up the river bank, heading back to where we came from. The cut on Niall’s head mingles with the water and dirt on his face, creating a gruesome sight. A ray of sunlight cuts through the heavens, shimmering off of the ice and casting a thousand sparkles into the air. The world seems oddly peaceful, and a lily-lark sings sweetly, invisible in the trees. The cold air dances through little gaps in the wood, whistling by us as we walk. Roots of the trees creep above the ground, and as I raise my foot to step over one, my foot gets caught in my sodden skirts, sending Niall and I tumbling forward. Niall somehow manages to catch himself on a low hanging branch, but I fall face first into the cold mud. A sharp stone catches my jaw, and a sharp sting tells me that it’s cut me. The cut on my cheekbone, from Blathen’s ring, has ripped open, too, but now I have an excuse for it.

A bit more steadily, Lord Niall, walks over and helps me up. There’s a long tear down the side of my dress, starting at my knee and ending halfway down. Wiping the blood from my skin, I press on. As we walk, the feeling returns to my fingers, which are now bright pink from the cold. A rustling sounds up ahead, followed by the sound of a man’s voice. Exchanging a glance, Niall and I walk forward cautiously. A shriek of joy echoes through the forest, and Kerissa throws herself at me.

“Ria, thank Loch you’re well! When I saw you and Lord Niall fall into the river, I thought the worst would happen!” Refraining from pointing out that I hadn’t fallen in, I embrace her gently, not wanting to get her all wet. From behind her, Blathen nods to me, clapping Niall on the back. A pair of healers walk towards him, and they help him forward. I throw Blathen a suspicious glance, but he smiles stiffly back.

Kerissa catches my expression, and she says, “Oh, don’t be angry at Prince Blathen, Ria. I insisted on coming, and I’m perfectly fine.” She hooks her elbow through mine, and whispers, “He’s quite good-looking, isn’t he? How lucky you are to be betrothed to such a fine man!”

A soft laugh from Blathen reaches my ears, and I clench my teeth together in an effort not to yell the truth at my sister. Baring my teeth in what I hope looks like a smile, I force Kerissa to walk a little faster, and let go of her arm when we reach the clearing where everyone is waiting for us. A little cheer goes up when we come into view. Lindon is back, and he catches my eye and starts to walk over to me, but before he gets there, Blathen clasps my arm and pulls me to him. With a little giggle, Isi goes off to talk to the healers, leaving us alone.

Lindon sends me a thought, Should I interrupt? I say back, No, let’s see what this is about. Blathen clears his throat, bringing me back to the present, and assumes a concerned expression.

“Are you alright, Rionach?” He runs a finger over the cut on my cheek that he made last night in mock worry. “You should go see the healers.”

Without even having to look at the group, I know that nearly everyone is looking at us. Blathen’s hand tightens on my arm, and he casts a meaningful glance at Isi, reminding me of his threat. Swallowing down my revulsion, I force myself to smile back sweetly, and try to think of something to say.

“I’m perfectly fine, but-“ I swallow again, and continue, “-but it’s sweet of you to care so much.” Extricating myself from his grasp, I step away, wanting to cut off the skin he’s touched. “I’d better go check on Lord Niall.”

I don’t turn around to look at him, walking straight to the caravan. A guard walks up to me, saying, “Lady Princess, I don’t think that-“

I shake him off, barking orders. “Someone fetch a separate horse for me to ride. Is anyone else hurt?” No one says anything, so I swing myself up into the saddle, and say, “Well, then, mount up, everyone. We ride for the castle.”

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
ehobby1465
Review
ehobby1465 wrote a review Review · Feb 28, 2016

Hello! I'm Emily and I'll be reviewing your chapter today. Just a disclaimer, I haven't read any of the other chapters, so I'll just be reviewing your writing, rather than the overarching plot and characterization. That being said, let's get down to it!

Grammar and Nit-picks:

"I turn around again, and meet Lindon’s gaze."
You don't need a comma between 'again' and 'and'. There are a couple instances of this throughout your writing. If there is only one subject and two verb phrases connected by 'and', you don't need a comma.

"Niall thrashes in my grasp, making it harder for me to keep ahold on him."
The problem here is 'ahold' means something different from 'a hold'. In this case, you need to use 'a hold'.

"Lindon sends one of his men galloping back to the castle and nods to me"
This is a total nitpick, but shouldn't he nod his understanding to her before giving orders? I know it seems trivial, but it makes the actions seem more realistic.

"Lindon sends me a thought, Should I interrupt? I say back, No, let’s see what this is about. Blathen clears his throat, bringing me back to the present, and assumes a concerned expression."
I'm not sure what the grammar rules are about nonverbal dialogue, but you might want to make the narrator's response a separate paragraph just to be safe.

General stuff:
A lot happened in a short amount of words. Your writing is very plot driven, which is good. It creates a engaging and interesting story. Just remember to stop every now and then and let the reader catch up. Give some description of the setting, describe the narrator's panic as she is trying to save Niall, that kind of thing.

I hope it helped! I really enjoyed reading your piece, it was very engaging. Keep writing!

User avatar
Vervain
Review
Vervain wrote a review Review · Feb 25, 2016

Hey, darling! I'm going to preface this review by saying I might be a little scatterbrained today, so I'm going to focus on what I see as I see it, not in any particular emphatic order. As always, feel free to pick and choose regarding which bits of my advice apply.

Crouching down next to her, I ask, “Are you alright? What happened?” Her knife lies nearby, on a wet patch of grass.
This seems like a bit of a non-sequitur. If Ria is so concerned about Lady Vanessa, why is the first thing she notices in this chapter where Vanessa's knife is on the ground? I would think she would be more focused on the person laying on the ground, rather than looking around for a knife that could be nowhere nearby. If Vanessa is obviously in so much pain, why look for the knife instead of looking for injuries?

Lindon sends one of his men galloping back to the castle and nods to me, his expression grave.
This is something that's skipped over that I wish was a little more expanded upon—even just telling us that Lindon waves his hand imperiously and his men jump to obey would give us more character development regarding him and the men he commands. Or does he speak to them individually, touch them on the shoulder, ask them more than order them? I don't know how Lindon would address his men, so saying "he sends one of them back" doesn't give me an idea of what he does.

A pair of guards and a few nobles flank me, but I gesture for them to stay back. Cautiously, I pad towards the trees, calling Niall’s name. When no reply comes, I walk faster, biting my lip.
Another bit that could have given us more characterization, this time for Ria. You could have shown us that she waves them back and they obey her, you could have shown us her escalating fear as Niall doesn't answer her calling out, and while I don't think this is as egregious as skipping over Lindon's bit before, it would have been nice to feel Ria's fear instead of hearing about it. I took the third line here because that's a better way of showing it than telling it in this case! Out of these three sentences, the last one has the most emotional impact.

This was created sometime recently, but I don’t sense any magical snares or traps that might suggest that this was created purposely.
Honestly, you just told the reader that this was, 9 chances out of 10, created on purpose. It might be better if you just don't mention the possibility in conjunction with this at all—or, if she's paranoid, perhaps have her think that someone made it to try and kill her.

Mentioning "it doesn't feel like it was created on purpose" makes the reader think it was, because it's such an obvious setup for dramatic irony that you basically give away the twist you worked on. The best way to hide something is in plain sight—by not mentioning the possibility that it's there at all. Readers will be able to think on their own "they have magic, maybe someone created it", and it will make a nice bit of intrigue before moving on to the next part.

Niall is covered in leaves, and is bleeding from a cut on his forehead, but he’s regaining consciousness without help, which makes it a little easier for me to get him back up the slope.
How does Ria know this will make her job easier? Maybe Niall has broken bones, a broken leg, a fractured spine—something that will leave him unable to walk or in severe pain, actually hindering her ability to get him up to the rest of the hunting party.

I guess my point is, Ria shouldn't be able to look at Niall and automatically know she'll be able to get him up the slope with less trouble, especially if she doesn't have expansive knowledge of anatomy and potential injuries. Even with just head injuries, he could be dizzy and disoriented, unable to keep his balance, so he wouldn't be able to walk at all.

As for the "dramatic" scene of Niall and Ria nearly drowning, I found it a little dull and difficult to read. I think it's owing to some issues I've pointed out in previous chapters, where this reads like third person with the pronouns changed, so I really don't have a connection to Ria to speak of.

A bit more steadily, Lord Niall, walks over and helps me up.
Just thought I'd point out this extra comma after "Niall". I know commas are slippery little beasts at times.

Other than that, I don't think I have much to say, so: Keep writing!



It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.
— Rick Riordan, The Last Olympian