Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Fantasy

E - Everyone

Thrallmagic: Chapter 1

by TheCrimsonLady


Chapter One

“Higher, your highness!” The clash of our swords nearly drowns the captain’s voice out. Lifting my sword higher, I blink the sweat from my eyes. Seeing an opening, I send a small burst of flame towards my opponent. He jerks back, and I lunge forward, using his distraction to my advantage. Just as I withdraw my sword to attack again, the soldier miraculously regains his balance and strikes. Parrying his blow, I dance back, on the defensive. Dust clouds around us as we fight, making it hard to see. I squint, trying to keep anything from getting in my eyes. A piece of my hair comes loose from its braid and sticks to my cheek. Rolling to evade my opponent’s sword, I come up behind him, and before he can react, lay the tip of my sword at the base of his neck.

“Surrender?” My breath comes in pants from the hard fight, and my arm quivers under the weight of the sword. The soldier nods, and I lower my weapon. Wiping the sweat from my forehead, I walk towards the armory, anxious to get out of the armor I was wearing. The captain of the guard follows me in. “How did I do today, Captain?”

Out of the corner of my eye, I see him nod in approval. “Quite well, your highness. Indeed, you managed to best one of my highest ranking men.”

Finished with removing my armor, I take my leave of Captain Davery and go to my chambers to prepare for tonight’s dinner. The vampire embassy from Lysian would arrive, and there would be feasting and dancing in their honor. Along with several high ranking diplomats, the crown prince of Lysian and his two cousins would also be in attendance. Throwing the doors to my chambers open, I stride in. My ladies-in-waiting hurry to draw a bath for me.

“What will you wear to the dinner tonight, Princess Rionach?” Lady Serafine stands by my shoulder, anxious to get me ready before the vampires arrived. As Lady of the Bedchamber, she had rank over the rest of the ladies and therefore was the one I used most.

“The silver dress, I think. I haven’t had a chance to wear it yet.” I’m whisked away into my bathing room.

The water is cold, which suits me just fine. One of the ladies-in-waiting hands me a bar of soap and lathers my hair. As soon as she is done, I dismiss her with a flick of my wrist, sinking low into the tub. My mind whirls with curiosity about the vampires. A match between myself and their prince could prove highly advantageous to both our countries. Still, the typical faerie-vampire prejudice runs high in both my parents, and, according to the rumors, the vampire king. Sighing, I call for a towel and stand up, water sluicing down my body.

Wrapped in a robe, I pad to my closet, where Lady Serafine hands me my undergarments. After being laced into the dress, I sit down in front of my vanity, and another of my ladies-in-waiting, Lady Isilene, combs my hair. Just as she finishes, a sharp knock sounds at the door in the sitting room. One of the ladies bustles off to receive the visitor. Stepping into delicate dancing slippers, I glance at myself in the mirror. The silver sets off my blue eyes and dark hair, and I smile bitterly at myself. As I line my eyes with kohl, the lady that had gone to the door returns, holding a jewelry box.

“Who was it?” She seems nervous to answer, and glances away before speaking.

“It was a messenger sent by the elvish prince, your highness.” My lip curls in disgust. At least one of these women would be working for him as a spy. Perhaps, if my revulsion got back to him, he’d reconsider me as his bride.

“And what did he want?”

“Prince Blathen sends you a gift, my lady.” I give the jewelry box a cursory glance and say, “Well, let’s see it, then.” She gives me the box, and my ladies-in-waiting gather around me, giggles and whispers exchanged between them.

When I open the box, an eyeful of glittering diamonds greets my eye. Matching earrings have been included with the necklace, and two small notes are pressed against them. Pulling it out, I read it aloud. “Your royal highness, I send these trinkets in the hopes that you will wear them tonight. Your humble servant, Prince Blathen Aethelstan Kadwen Grigori.” Flicking the note aside, I reach for the second. This one is from my mother, the queen, instructing me to wear the necklace tonight. Apparently, my mother was satisfied with his fortune. Wishing that he isn’t twice my age, I ask Serafine to fasten the necklace.

As it settles at my throat, it feels more like a collar than a necklace, proclaiming to the world that Prince Blathen owned me. Dread clutches at my throat, and I glare at myself in the mirror. “Everybody out!” My voice is harsh, and the ladies file into my sitting room.

I seethe in silence, cursing my mother for her greed and my father for being so blind. I dig my nails into my palms trying to keep my calm. For the thousandth time, I wish for reliable information about my people and my country. What I need are spies. Suddenly, I feel suffocated in my room, regardless of the high ceiling and huge windows. I stumble out onto the balcony, gulping deep breaths of the warm summer air. As I stand there, notice a large party riding toward the gates, and narrow my eyes in anticipation when I recognize the Lysian colors. They dismount, and are led to their chambers, where they will be allowed to refresh themselves before formally received by my father, the king. Shutting my eyes to the world, I take a deep breath, forming my face into an expression less mask once more. Smoothing any wrinkles from my dress, I step into my sitting room, where my ladies wait, my chin high, eyes cold.

“Your highness, is there anything you need?” Serafine looks past my shoulder, as if afraid to meet my eyes. I wonder briefly how cold and unfeeling I look before putting it out of my mind. None of these ladies deserve my kindness, vying for power and gold as they do.

“My dagger, if you please, Lady Serafine.” She nods and goes to fetch the ceremonial dagger and its belt. The sliver plating gleams red as the sun casts its final rays through my windows. She fastens the belt, and I slide the dagger into its sheath at my waist, careful not to cut myself on the razor-sharp edge. No faerie would ever go without a weapon, even at an important state function like tonight’s.

I meet my mother outside of the doors to the ballroom. When she sees the necklace, she gives me a cold smile. “That is elf made, is it not?”

I nod. “Prince Blathen had it sent to my rooms as I was getting dressed. I thought I would acknowledge him by wearing it.” Neither of us mention the note she had sent me, aware of how public a place we are in. Turning away she dismisses me without so much as saying a word and sweeps into the ballroom. Just before she disappears, I call to her, “Where is the king?”

She pauses in her steps, and turning back, says, “Your father is ill, and unable to attend tonight. I will take his place and preside over any meetings that may occur.” She disappears from my view, leaving behind the faint smell of roses.

My thoughts whirl around in a veritable hurricane. I had turned sixteen eight months ago, and had officially been declared princess heir. In the event that my father couldn’t do his duty, I should have been the one to preside over the meetings and make decisions for him. Still, I decide to take it up with her tomorrow. Showing an enemy a weak, divided front would be of no use to me. Standing up straight, I traipse down the corridor to the doors of the ballroom, smile in place.

As I enter, the herald announces me to the room. “Her Royal Highness, Rionach Aisling Liadan Vaelclann, Crown Princess of Valkyr, Lady of the Silverlake, Shieldmaiden of the North!” Courtiers part down the middle of the ballroom as I walk in gracefully. My sister, Kerissa, has already arrived, and sits gossiping with other ladies of the court. The dancing has started, but not many couples grace the dance floor. Most of the courtiers stand in groups near the doors, circling like vultures, eager for the vampires’ arrival. Someone clears their throat near me, and I turn to see Lord Nikolas, one of my suitors. Rumor had it that his sister, a fabled criminal and now queen of Erisek, would be in attendance tonight.

Keeping my musings to myself, I smile at him and allow him to take my arm as I say, “Lord Nikolas, a pleasure. I trust you have enjoyed your time at court?” He grimaces handsomely, shaking his blonde mane away from his eyes.

“Princess Rionach, I must confess, the faerie court is trying. There are hidden traps and pitfalls everywhere I turn.”

I laugh, surprising myself by genuinely enjoying his company. “You must stay longer, and discover the snakes disguised as beautiful ladies, too, my lord. It is only then that I might permit you to leave.” He glances sideways at me as we promenade through the room, pausing to speak to nobles here and there.

His voice turns more serious as he asks, in an undertone, “Have you heard the rumors that my sister is visiting tonight?”

I look at him, confused by the sudden change in tone. “I had, but I believed that they were simply rumors.”

He sighs. “If only they were. She insisted on coming when she heard that Prince Alexander would be here tonight.”

I stop in my tracks. “What business does she have with the vampire prince?” In my mind, I add, and why are you telling me this?

“Your highness, my sister and I have been previously acquainted with his highness. She and the prince were close-“

I cut him off. “Close?” My eyes go wide.

He blushes as he grasps what I mean. “Oh, no, not like that. They were simply good friends, your highness.” I nod, only half-believing him. As a server passes us, I take a glass of thrallwine from him. The amber liquid is so imbued with faerie magic that it nearly glows in the low lighting.

“Why are you telling me this, Lord Nikolas?” I watch my sister dance with a visiting sorcerer and narrow my eyes at them.

He looks at me appraisingly. “Because she’s asked me to tell you that even if you don’t know her, she would do anything to support you and your country.”

I think rapidly. “Does she speak as queen of Erisek or as a pirate?” I hold up my hand, as he starts to speak, not finished with my questions. “And when she says she’d support me, does she mean the royal family of Valkyr? Or does she speak to me, directly?”

“To your first question, princess, I believe she speaks as both, although she is not currently acting as queen, as I am sure you have heard.” I nod. Everyone throughout the realm had heard of Queen Arianna’s running away from her castle, though nobody knew quite why. “And she speaks to you and you only, princess.”

I take a deep breath to steady myself against this huge wave of information. Only an hour ago I was wishing for spies, and now this man was telling me I had everything I wanted and more. “Why didn’t she tell me this herself? Why ask you to speak for her when she could speak with me in a few hours’ time?”

He smiles crookedly. “Tell me, your highness, if a foreign queen who was known for being a ruthless pirate approached you while you were alone, would you listen to her or would you call for guards? She will still seek you out tonight, princess. She simply wished for me to warn you.”

I smile at him, suddenly aware of all the nosy nobles around us. “Point taken, Lord-“ I get cut off when the doors swing open and two vampire guards walk through them. My hand goes instinctively to my dagger as the room goes silent. I tense, waiting for something to go wrong as the prince steps through the door, looking around the ballroom in badly concealed awe.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
93 Reviews


Points: 3737
Reviews: 93

Donate
Mon Aug 29, 2016 9:49 am
Laurenh6 wrote a review...



Hey there! I just saw this story in the green room - chapter 30 or something wasn't it? And it really peeked my interest so I thought why not read it :P ! So here's a review, basically I'm just going to list my observations as I read alonngg- hope I can help :) .


Right to start with...

"The clash of our swords nearly drowns the captain’s voice out." - Para 1. I feel this phrase is awkward to read and I'd reword it, personally. Maybe change it to something like "The clash of our swords almost drowning the captain's voice out." :)

"He jerks back, and I lunge forward, using his distraction to my advantage. Just as I withdraw my sword to attack again, the soldier miraculously regains his balance and strikes."- Para 1. I like this, your action is fast paced and that's good! I get good imagery of what's going on so, well done :) .

“How did I do today, Captain?”- Para 2. I feel like this should be in a new paragraph.

"Throwing the doors to my chambers open, I stride in." Para 4 (I think xD)... You were literally just in the armory and then you jump to the chambers. The reader has no idea how you got there. But obviously you do. So you need to make it clearer. Describe the setting, and the route to the next one - I think that'd be better in my opinion.

Finally, there is a lot of mention of vampires, elves etc. And for me, it feels like they're just chucked in there and don't seem very realistic at the moment. So I feel like it would be better if you included more backstory about the different kingdoms. And then I would have a better understanding :).

Also if they're vampires won't they eat everyone xD ?

But overall, I liked this. I'd read on, because I like the way action is portrayed in your writing :) . And I'd be interested to see what happens next. I hope I could help :)




Lauren :D




User avatar
145 Reviews


Points: 2373
Reviews: 145

Donate
Thu Jul 21, 2016 3:05 am
Junel wrote a review...



Hey, so I saw your newest chapter's up in the green room and decided I would go ahead and try reading you first chapter. I'm glad I did.
Grammatical Etc. errors:

your highness

Your Highness should always be capitalized because it is a title.
would also be in attendance.

This is fine how it is, but because you already said along with the also here isn't needed.
women would be working

Here I think could would be more appropriate. Would seems to certain and then she must have known who it was.
there, notice a

You should add I before notice.

Characters: You definitely are able to develop your characters well and fast I really feel like I know them.

Plot: The plot is extremely interesting and I can't wait to read more. It goes at a good pace and leaves me with questions so i have to continue reading.

Description: Absolutely AMAZING i have no complaints.

Overall this is really amazing

Good Luck and Keep Writing

Sláinte -Junel




User avatar
557 Reviews


Points: 2394
Reviews: 557

Donate
Sun Aug 30, 2015 5:22 pm
erilea wrote a review...



Hey, QueenofHearts! Artemis28 here for Team Zenith. Happy Review Day! :D

The first paragraph was very detailed. You described the fight really well and I almost imagined myself as this main character. It was great! However, after a little while the commas in each sentence kind of got redundant. A pause in every sentence didn't really work well. I think you can change the sentences, move them around so that commas aren't everywhere.

So this princess steps out of the bathtub. I don't see any sign of this girl actually drying herself off... In reality, shouldn't she be getting her dress soaked with the water coming off her body? Isn't her hair dampening the back of her dress, too? Reality problems...well, they happen to everyone.

Okay...so this prince gives her the jewelry, in hopes that he can charm her into liking him. But the tenses in this sentence didn't make sense to me. Isn't "is" supposed to be "was?"

"Wishing that he isn’t twice my age, I ask Serafine to fasten the necklace."

There was nothing else I could see, except for at the end. You should probably make the ending more like an ending. Signify that this chapter is done and it's time to move on to the next. You know, tie it up. Other than that, however, this was great! You were very detailed and the fact that there were faeries and vampires was awesome. Good job and keep writing!

-Artemis (Go Team Zenith!)






Thanks for the reveiw!
There's a time jump after the bath scene, maybe I didn't make that very clear :P



erilea says...


Oh...you might want to explain that in your story! :D



erilea says...


Oh...you might want to explain that in your story! :D



erilea says...


Oh...you might want to explain that in your story! :D



erilea says...


Oh...you might want to explain that in your story! :D



erilea says...


Oh...you might want to explain that in your story! :D



User avatar
396 Reviews


Points: 27
Reviews: 396

Donate
Sun Aug 30, 2015 5:03 pm
Pompadour wrote a review...



'Rora, hello! I'm finally here~

Happy Review Day!

Let's make this a quick review, yeah?

Right, so I'm really enjoying your writing so far. I'm horrible at praise, but you really have a great grip on varying the length of your sentences + avoiding the monotony that is so common in first-person writing. Your writing also has this pleasant flow to it and, boy, you have a neat knack for the step-by-step action moments.

Rionach is fabulous, by the way. I can tell I'm going to really enjoy reading in her point-of-view. I also like how you've taken a high fantasy world and aren't sticking to the Third Person Omniscient 'rule'; it's real interesting. Present-tense, also! :o Technical-wise, I didn't spot many iffies, but do keep an eye for tense slip-ups. Examples:

I walk towards the armory, anxious to get out of the armor I was wearing.


~ 'was' should be 'am'. I think you could also shorten this sentence to read more smoothly, perhaps as: 'I walk towards the armory, anxious to get out of my armor'.

As Lady of the Bedchamber, she had has rank over the rest of the ladies and therefore was is the one I used most.


The vampire embassy from Lysian would arrive, and there would be feasting and dancing in their honor. Along with several high ranking diplomats, the crown prince of Lysian and his two cousins would also be in attendance.


~ One of the annoying things about present-tense is keeping the narrator's head in the present--which is basically a twisted way of me saying that your character is describing something that has not happened yet! This is quite different from a novel written in past-tense (where everything has already happened) but the narrator is forced to pretend certain things have not happened yet from their point in the timeline. As such, 'would' can be used for past-tense things and shizz, where things are already set in stone as 'happened'. In first-person present-tense novels, things in the future are a tad shaky and not as simple as they are in past-tense novels, so make sure you stay in your character's head and in the present!

tl;dr: Basically, just switch 'would' with 'are to/are to be' or 'will' and you should be swell. :3

Grammar things aside, your word-choice is absolutely lovely, as is your dialogue! You really have a natural hold on Rhionach's voice, too, which is great~

Moving on, I adored the fight scene with which you begin the chapter--don't get me wrong here; it's really well-written and engaging--but I also think it's a bit unsuited for a beginning. This is mostly because the first paragraph is supposed to be about the reader getting attached to the character, or to their situation, and while I personally am rather fond of the fast-paced scenes, this one felt more like it ought to belong in the ... middle of the chapter? It was good for setting up the scene, but we also slid out of it too fast for me to keep my feet.

Basically, the question I have for this beginning is: why should this action scene intrigue me when I neither know/care for the characters currently experiencing it? Maybe if I was more sympathetic to Rionach's situation, or if I knew her better, I'd be more into it. As it is, most readers would prefer to be better-acquainted with our character before proceeding. Your first few paragraphs are all about diplomacy, about creating ties of loyalty between the reader and the character. As it stands right now, the beginning only acts like a slide: it allows us to enter Rionach's royal world, and it gives us a glance into her character, but besides that, it fizzles out a tad quickly. Maybe if Rionach was in more of a fix, or if there were the beginnings of a smaller conflict, perhaps in her being slightly distracted by Captain Davery's yell, or some internal thought to grant the scene importance? I wouldn't even mind some extra interaction with Captain Davery to balance out the pace.

Speaking of pace, that's my next critique. XD I found a lot of stuff happened pretty fast, and the scene by the vanity was perhaps meant to balance the initial action scene. It's not really the fact that you have so much happening that's detrimental to the pace, but the fact that things flow a little abruptly, one thing running into the other. I'm lacking a lot of the heavier bits of the story as well, stuff like Rionach's surroundings--it seems to float in air, and I can't really envision the ... castle? Palace? I'm grasping at straws quite a bit here, but it's nothing you can't solve without info being subtly squeezed in here and there. My go-to is most often dialogue, or introspection, because being in your character's head and exploring her thoughts is wonderful for conveying information in a manner that is not overtly prim (as is the case with third-person writing) and involves quick snippets of judgement and feeling.

On Rionach: I like her. She's got this stony feel about her, is diplomatic and businesslike, and ... she's also verging on slightly paranoid and prejudiced in her judgements. Which is a breath of fresh air, actually, because while the first chapter is mostly about laying the ground when it comes to characterisation, I like how she already depicts a number of strengths and flaws. I can tell she'll be an interesting character, already.

I also think, however, that some more internal thought is needed here. This doesn't mean you have to tell us 'Rionach thought this; Rionach thought that', but you could still have her quirking an eyebrow at her ladies-in-waiting and their antics, and perhaps expanding more on her suspicions. Thoughts are very rarely clean-cut, and most people spend their time thinking more about things that bother them. The fact that she thought the ladies-in-waiting were simply vying for gold and power--it put me off, because I cannot see why Rionach (who's appeared to be rather composed and clear in her decisions so far) would be so untrusting. I expect she has her reasons, but the statement was a bit thrown in there without expansion; it bothered me.

I ... would also like some more emotion? Rionach describes things very detachedly, impassively, and I suppose this is part of her character--but her anger and suspicious nature does not get entirely get through to the reader. It's a series of main actions, but they seem somewhat ... hardwired? I'm missing the subtleties of Rionach's gestures and expressions. I notice that, for the majority of the chapter, she comes off as cool, calm, and collected. Throughout the beginning half of the piece, I couldn't really connect with her, mostly because everything that has to happen (aka the plot) is thrust at us all of a sudden before I've really been able to find my feet.

That aside, I really enjoyed the dialogue between Rionach and Nikolas. Wohoo, politics! It's very interesting, and the only suggestion I'd have to offer in that respect is that some readers could be confused by Queen Adrianna's reputation, so I think you ought to make that a tad clearer. You mention her as Queen of Erisek, and a pirate, and a criminal (which I guess is what a pirate is), and that she was to be in attendance at the dinner, according to rumours. Then you move on to describe her as having 'run away' from her position and not acting as Queen--does that mean her brother, Nikolas, is in charge, or someone else? Also, if she is no longer acting 'Queen' what does that make her? If she's fled the castle, as you've mentioned, then is she still in the public eye or not? And if she's not then how come there are rumours flying that she is to attend the feast? It's a little confusing and hard to get your head around, I think.

Besides the political intrigue, I want in on Rionach's relationship with her family. What kind of inaccurate information does she possess that compels her to hire spies? I have a feeling she's not on good terms with her mother, but I do think the relationship needs to be highlighted a bit more before we move on. Does her mother not allow her at meetings? Does she purposefully keep her out of the loop? This is what I'm assuming, but you need to be clear and tell us.

Nikolas is a sweetheart. Can I have one?

Overall, lovely chapter, 'rora! I really enjoyed reading this and I'll get to chapter 2 as soon as possible~

Keep writing! Keep up the great work!

Cheers,

~Pomp c:




User avatar
1417 Reviews


Points: 3733
Reviews: 1417

Donate
Sat Jul 18, 2015 1:51 pm
Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

I absolutely love your writing. I don't know if I've ever told you that.

Opening lines are one of the things that I'm really particular about. It really sets the tone of your entire novel. Now, I'm not so sure about your opening dialogue.

“Higher, your highness!” The clash of our swords nearly drowns the captain’s voice out.

We're being shoved right into the middle of action, which I always love to find at the beginning of a novel, but it's not as strong as it could be. Personally, I feel that the presence of the captain during the fight isn't needed. True he's teaching the princess how to fight, but she seems to know enough to keep up the fight. The order to raise her sword seems a bit pointless.

Also, with that dialogue, I was under the impression that she was fighting the captain. After the fight though, I realize that she was fighting just a soldier. It completely changed my view of the fight. Fighting the captain is much different than fighting a soldier, obviously. It would've been more effective to tell us at the beginning of the fight exactly who she was fighting. I mean, there are hints as you call him 'the soldier' and the like, but I still just assumed that it was the captain.

Now, this opening scene is great. I'm a sucker for good action. However, it seems just kind of placed in there. Why is it important? Why are we reading about this the moment we open that cover. Normally, from what I've read over the years at least, the princess isn't a fighter. Now I'm reading about one who is learning how to fight. Why is it that she's learning? Is this something that everyone is okay with or is it a secret? I'm left with a lot to think about when she leaves the captain. I wish there had been some extra details there to clue us in on why she's training, besides the obvious of course.

The transition between fight and returning to her chamber could use a bit of work. I can understand the time jump and wanting to send her directly to her chamber, but what about what happens in between? This would've been a wonderful time to describe the walk back. Are there guards flanking her? Where was she when she was fighting? The armory, yes, but where is that in relation to her chamber? This transition wouldn't take more than a paragraph. Details and descriptions are always tricky because you don't want to use too much and you don't want to use too little that no one understands what's happening. Right now I think you're more on the too little end of the spectrum.

Vampires, huh? Interesting. I don't think I've ever read a book with vampires in it. Unless you count the first ten pages of Twilight, but I don't so... :3

Okay, that scene where Rionach is getting ready is perfect. It's all about her going through the motions. I'm wearing this dress. Soak in the tub. Go to the closet. Get laced up. Look in the mirror. It's something that she would've had done time and time again, and you really showed that well.

“Who was it?” She seems nervous to answer, and glances away before speaking.

“It was a messenger sent by the elvish prince, your highness.” My lip curls in disgust. At least one of these women would be working for him as a spy. Perhaps, if my revulsion got back to him, he’d reconsider me as his bride.

First off, the dialogue is a bit off here. Not how it's written, but the position it's in. The first dialogue is the princess's, but it's followed by a dialogue tag about the Lady. The second dialogue is the Lady's, but it's followed by a dialogue tag about the princess. I was a bit confused when I first read it because of that. My suggestion is to leave the first dialogue on its own, then bring the "She seems nervous" sentence down to the next paragraph with the dialogue after it, then start a new paragraph with the "My lip curls" sentence. It'll be more balanced and easier to recognize who's saying what.

Secondly, this is the first mention of any spies. It stuck out to me because when I read it I was surprised. I mean, spies are common place, but the fact that the princess knows that one of her ladies is working as a spy is interesting. Wouldn't she act differently around them or possibly keep a sharper eye? There's really no indication that she knows there's a spy besides this one line.

I had turned sixteen eight months ago, and had officially been declared princess heir.

Eight months is a long time. Why wouldn't she just say that she's now sixteen? I could understand if her birthday had been just a few weeks or months ago, but she's been sixteen for a while now.

I'm a bit confused of the princess's reactions to the vampires arriving. She was expecting them, yes? And this is the prince she's supposed to marry. So why is she carrying around this dagger and why is she so on edge? There's most definitely something deeper going on here that I'm sure we'll learn about soon.

Overall this is a great first chapter. You've done a good job introducing the characters to us and we really get a feel for who this princess is. Right now, I'm tentative to like her, to be honest. She seems too cold, too calculated. She's rude to her ladies-in-waiting, no matter how power hungry they really are, and she speaks so demandingly. All of her traits so far make me want to hate her, but I'm finding myself hanging on her every word and following her thoughts excitedly. She intrigues me despite her negatives. I can't wait to see what kind of trouble she gets into.

This whole world is very interesting. From what I gathered, the princess is a faerie and the prince she's promised to is a vampire. There are also pirates and spies close to the royal family. There's a lot going on and I know that everything will intertwine soon. As of now, we're getting the bare bones, which is just what we need. It makes me wonder what's happening and how everything will work out.

I can't wait to read more! Looking forward to chapter 2 :)

Keep writing!
**Noelle**






Thanks for the review, Noe <3.
If you remember Arianna from LMS I, she'll make an appearance next week!
~Anne



User avatar
86 Reviews


Points: 3817
Reviews: 86

Donate
Mon Jul 13, 2015 6:11 pm
Questio wrote a review...



HI! I'm Questio and I love fantasy, so I'm gonna take it upon myself today to give you as good a review as I can. What I like to do is go paragraph by paragraph, so in my review each paragraph matches up to the paragraphs in the story.
And here we go!

I'm all for tossing in the reader into the middle of the action. Its fun. The reader's all like "Whoa was not expecting that!" That said, you're missing imagery here. Is it hot out? Cloudy? I know there's dust, but it could be freezing cold and cloudy and you still have dust. And did it hurt their eyes, that's why it's hard to see? Or did it block their view? Imagery is good when tossing the reader into the action. Sets up the scene and is easier to imagine.

What's the captain's name? Even for secondary characters, I like to know names. Also, "anxious to get out of my armor" sounds less clunky than "anxious to get out of the armor I was wearing."

Nothing wrong here. But I'm not sure if the MC is male or female yet.

Ok, got his name a bit late. Not sure if it's better to introduce it late or not at all. "Go" is such a weak word. Try to set the mood with it. Are they in a hurry? "Rush." Reluctant? "Shuffle." "Go" is dead. Oh, ok, she's a girl.

Ok, so Davery just said "highness." Why do the ladies-in-waiting use her name? Also, awesome name. Love it. Also, I'm fairly certain "Lady" is a noble term, not one for servants. I mean, it's fantasy, screw rules, but you already used "princess." Try just Ms. or Mrs. Serafine (again, awesome name. You got this down!) Wow, she "uses" her servants? Like they're tools? I'm not sure if you are going for this, but I find this MC to be quite haughty and arrogant so far. Which is great if you're going for character growth as part of the moral, but if you're trying to present a paragon of goodness in Rionach she comes off as a b*tch.

Ok here.

Cold water is fine? What is wrong with her? Backstory please. There it is again. She sounds like a jerk to me. I hope she is changed for the better by the end of the book. WHOA! Plot twist! She's a faerie. Why am I just hearing about this!? It's not a bad thing, I love it! But how are faeries different from mortals? Do they look different? Why do vampires and faeries dislike each other? Or does it matter? Or do they just not... I mean, I just dislike certain people in my biology class with no reason, so I guess that works. But a centuries-old blood feud makes things much more interesting. (Oh, and I had to Google "sluicing.")

Isilene! Love it! Nice way to sneak a brief description in there. I like it. Ok, I know what kohl is, but not everyone is as awesome as you and me. You may want to briefly explain.

Dialogue took me a minute. I wasn't sure who said what.

Are elves different from faeries? How? And is the princess RACIST too! Jeez! I'm counting on a soul-searching, become a better person story here. Cause she's a jerk.

Ok.

Blathen. Blech. I hope he's evil. What does the box look like. Again, imagery is key.

Wow. You're just showing off your penchant for awesome fantasy names now, aren't you. Hmm. Nice exposition on the prince.

Jerk.

I'm liking your use of exposition here. I was JUST about to ask her relationship with her parents but I kept reading. Nice.

Ah, there it is. That b*tchiness I knew was in there somewhere.

Good imagery. Now you're getting it! Faeries sound BA.

AAAAAAH, so THAT'S where she gets it.

The queen sounds like an even bigger b*tch.

I bet he was poisoned. We all know what roses mean (thank you Hunger Games).

Ok, now I know her age. "Traipse" is an interesting word.

Jeez, I'm having you name all my fantasy creations. So, other than faeries, elves, and vampires, what other creatures are here tonight? Also, ONE of her suitors? As in... diplomatic polygamy? Things just got interesting.

I think you have a tiny typo here. I didn't know grimaces could be handsome.

Well if they're all like the royal family then YEAH!

Hmm. Weird faerie flirting. And what is he again? Elf? I thought she didn't like elves.

Uh oh.

I don't think you need to mention the change of tone twice, but it's not necessarily a BAD thing.

What's so bad about his sister?

Because he thinks you're cute. Duh.

Ooooooh...

So... she likes vampires but not elves. That's messed up priorities right there.

Magic gets you drunk. Ok then.

Well, you thought it earlier, but had to worry about his sister's relations with a freaking vampire before you actually asked. May want to omit the part about her thinking it. Also, she seems too distracted by her sister to be genuinely concerned.

Hmmm. Sounds like a trap.

OOOOOH. That's who she is. If you mentioned that before I completely forgot. Maybe make it stand out a bit more. Make sure the reader recognizes it's important.

...

I don't trust him, your highness.

Well you coulda opened with that!

Well that was a stupid move.

Ok, so nice story! I hope you realize I was doing commentary, and not necessarily talking to YOU, the author. I am simply bringing to light my thoughts as I read.
I HATE vampires with a passion. They creep me out. So the fact I read this is amazing. It's a good story. I want to read more. And that's what's most important. So keep it up, and let me know when the next part comes out!
Message me with any questions!
~Q

P.S. I wasn't kidding. You're naming all my characters from now on. :)






Thank you for all the lovely compliments!
And oh, if you knew how many weeks I've spent naming those characters....
Also, royals are generally waited upon by nobles, who wanted to gain their favour. So Lady Serafine is probably the daughter of a duke or a marquess.



Questio says...


Learn something new every day!



User avatar
128 Reviews


Points: 1204
Reviews: 128

Donate
Mon Jul 13, 2015 6:07 pm
fantasydragon01 wrote a review...



Hi!
I really like your story here. I love how it's well-written. I think it's a really good beginning. I myself personally love fantasy and you just nailed it here! :D It really had a fantasy feel. I loved the descriptions. I loved your vocabulary, meaning that I liked your choice of words, and I the characters had personalities. The story itself was fast-paced, and reading it was very enjoyable.

Nitpicks, however, though small, were seen:

1. "Prince Blathen had it sent to my rooms." I think that since the Prince sent the dagger to the Princess' room where she found it, "rooms" should be "room"
2. "Someone clears their throat ear me..." Should be changed to "Someone clears his throat near me"
3."Keeping m musings to myself" There was supposed to be a "y" next to the "m"

Overall, I really liked the story. You did an excellent job with it. Good luck and keep writing!






Thank you for the review!
As far as the first nitpick goes, though, Blathen sent her the diamond necklace, firstly, and second, there are multiple rooms inside her rooms. It wasn't a typo- it would be like saying she had chambers. :)





Oh, okay. Thank you.




The greatest part of a writer’s time is spent in reading, in order to write; a man will turn over half a library to make one book.
— Samuel Johnson