It
was always the simple, mindless things that sent you into a reel. Even now—as
you watch the moonlight wash into the room, painting the room with a transreal,
opaque blue glow. Rain patters on the ceiling. The sumo wrestler your nephew
drew for you is pasted on the wall opposite you. He glares at you from
underneath leech-like brows, his gaze sharp and discerning. It isn’t
simple, his crayon-scribble eyes say. It isn’t mindless.
You
make a mental note to toss the sumo wrestler into the bin later.
‘I
mean—suicide of all things,’ she continues rambling. ‘I don’t
understand it. What did I do to deserve this? It’s just—so remarkably selfish
of him to go off and do this on his own, no thought of consulting me, asking
how it would make me feel.’ She makes a disgruntled sound. ‘I
swear if this is all because I threatened to report him for domestic
abuse…’
By
this time, you are barely registering her words, merely listening to the
lulling cadence of her voice. It’s the word ‘abuse’ that shakes you out of your
stupor—you blink, your mouth twisting into an odd shape. ‘A...buse?’ you echo.
‘Yes,’
she says, and her voice sounds almost bored. You picture her sitting on her
loveseat and smoothing out the creases in a cushion laid out evenly over her
lap. ‘Abuse. You know. Punching. Kicking. That sort of stuff. Do you remember
the barbeque last year?’
The
time you nearly took his eye out with a poker. ‘Yeah, he—he punched you
in the face, didn’t he?’ It was makeup. You’d watched her apply it
expertly over her cheek, all while complaining that he should talk less to that
buxom cousin of his. ‘You’d had an argument and he took a swing at you.’
He’d never hurt a fly. He wasn’t one of those people—aimless, sexual predators
who thrived on hurting people weaker than them. He was always the weaker one.
Always—putting himself out when he didn’t have to. Letting her walk
all over him.
But
she loved him, you tell yourself. Not me. Never
me. He didn’t deserve her love, so it was the punishment he deserved.
Yeah. You shake your head, trying to clear it. The sumo wrestler from
across the hall continues to glare at you. You know that isn’t
true, it seems to say.
Shut
up, you
think.
‘You
know—it’s funny. Back at art school … all that time we spent together … I could
have sworn you were in love with Gareth. He was always especially nice to you.
I wonder … maybe if I hadn’t…’ her voice trails off, and you stop yourself from
scoffing. Your eyes are round with surprise, and a bitter smile is playing on
your lips. Of course she wouldn’t notice. Of course she still hadn’t noticed.
‘I’m
not gay, Bee,’ you say carefully. ‘Even though I—you—you know. And all those
times he was nice to me—it was pity. I even think he scorned me, in that head
of his. Because I wasn’t—you know, like everyone else.’ You breathe in deeply,
pinching your nose. All is silent on the other end. It still hurts to know that
you can’t admit it to yourself—that it has been twenty five years of you being
trapped in this cage of a body, and still being unable to phrase it clearly,
for fear that you will make others uncomfortable if you mention it.
Finally,
she laughs. ‘I forgot,’ she says smoothly, ‘that you’re an in-between.’
In-between. The
word stings, like someone pouring vinegar onto an empty cut, ribbing into your
bruised skin with sharp nails. It’s as cold and merciless as peeling away the
very skin of your being, but you just hold it in. She doesn’t mean
it, you tell yourself. She doesn’t mean it, she doesn’t mean
it.
‘Happiness
is an allegory, unhappiness a story,’ you say instead.
‘What?’
‘Tolstoy.’
You feel shaken, somehow, your breaths shallow and odd-sounding to your own
ears. Abalone stretches in your lap, and your hand moves of its own accord to
tickle his tummy. ‘It reminds me of something my mother said, long ago. When I
was a kid.’
‘Oh?’
‘Yeah,’
you say slowly, testing the words carefully before you thrust them out from
between your teeth. ‘She said I was a flower.’ You close your eyes, then open
them slightly, picturing the words guttering out from your lips like black
sludge—a viscous waterfall that drips over you, netting your legs to the floor.
‘You know how pollination works—stigmas and stamens and all that, right? Well,
some flowers just have male parts. Others—others just have female parts. And
some’—you pause—‘have both. They’re special that way.’
‘Oh.’
‘But—you
know, you don’t really ask, “hey, does this flower have both male and female
parts?” A flower’s a flower, right? And there are other things you look at--the
shape of its petals, the scent, the history it carries and the symbolism people
give it.’
You
shift slightly on the floor, to get the feeling back in your bum. ‘Yeah—anyway,
sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I just—hey, do you mind if I tell you something?’
You loop the phone cord around your fingers again. A spiralling staircase. At
the top, a prince lying fast asleep. You picture it all in your head, waiting
for her answer.
‘Not
at all,’ she says, her voice sounding monotone. ‘I mean—I called you, so…’
‘I’m
in love with someone, Bee,’ you say. I’m in love with you.
‘Oh!
That’s—who?’ She sounds curious, despite herself, and your heart skips a
beat.
You. The
word is on your lips, single-syllable, so close to being said—but you pause,
thinking. The rain shreds the moonlight seeping into your apartment. Everything
seems unreal, an instance frozen in time as the word stills on your lips.
Abalone paws at you, and you look down at him. You are perplexed to find him
wearing the same look as the sumo wrestler—perplexed and rattled. His great,
green and yellow eyes shine round and smooth, like marbles picked out of an
aquarium. You feel cold, as though someone dropped a wet sponge on the back of
your neck.
Abalone
hisses. You don't just tell anybody your dreams like that, he seems to tell
you. And if you do—at least, it's just dreams that they are ready to
hear.
Does
she want to hear it? you think. At the same time, a nasty voice
at the back of your head asks: Do you even love her? You have barely
a moment to ponder the question—the moment shatters, and you are again sitting
on the cold hallway floor, static buzzing in your ears. You rub your forehead
wearily.
‘I’m
not saying,’ you respond finally, faking a cheery, cheeky tone. The phone cord
around your wrist winds—unwinds—winds… ‘I’ll tell you someday.’
‘Tease,’
she says, and you both laugh, before lapsing into silence.
‘I
hope they find your dog,’ you say.
‘I
hope so, too.’
It
is midnight by the time you hang up. The sculpture you were working on earlier
is placed precariously on the dresser in the lounge, where you left it earlier
that day. You can see it from your perch against the floor—and you cock your
head at it, slightly, smiling. You wonder what Bee would say if she ever saw
her replica: the perfectly sloping nose, the eyes open wide, brimming with
mirth and cold satisfaction—a gaze that always thrilled you every time you
caught it resting on you. You—the person who was bullied throughout school, who
found it difficult to trust people, who detested the fact that they couldn’t
even feel upset over their best friend’s death.
I
am a terrible person, you think.
You
gaze dumbly at everything—at the sumo wrestler across from you, with his
ever-sadistic grin, and you raise your hands to your eyes once again. Something
within you is brimming. Confusion and hate and—a sense of bruised pride. Your
veins look like telephone wires. You feel the strongest urge to reach into your
skin and pull them all out.
On
an impulse, you reach for the phone, and dial Bee’s number.
She
picks up, eventually, after ten minutes of trying. Her voice is groggy and
tired, but you have never felt more wide awake.
‘Hello?’
‘Hey,
Bee.’ Your voice is soft, but you feel like it is ringing loud enough to wake
everyone—dead and alive—from here to Beijing. ‘I’m in love with you.’
This
announcement is followed by a heavy silence. You wait with bated breath for a
response—anything, a yes, a no, an, ‘I’m so sorry, but my husband just died…’
but there is nothing. Thunder rumbles in your stomach. The wind blows, rattling
your window—you can hear the branches of the birch tree outside brushing
against the windowpane.
The
silence is broken—finally—when she laughs. It’s a deep laugh, one that quakes
and rumbles richly against your ear—expectant, pressed hard against the
receiver. She laughs and laughs and with every passing moment, it feels like
her breath is sucking the happiness of your confession from your bones, until
all that is left swirling in the pit of your stomach are the dregs of your
brave impulse.
‘Oh, Mill,’
she says breathlessly. ‘You’re so indecisive. You don’t fit into any boxes—I
can’t compartmentalise you.’
‘Compartmentalise
… me?’ The knot in your stomach tightens.
‘Yes,
yes!’ She laughs again. ‘You couldn’t possibly think—well, that I would fall in
love with you. You’re so hopeless—hopeless and innocent and
oh, God, I love that about you. Gareth loved that about you,
too. You’re like a little chick—so unusual—just demanding for some angelic
presence to shield you with their wings. But then again, your kind are like
that, right?’ Her tone is dismissive, matter-of-fact.
You
feel like choking on air. ‘My kind?’ you repeat, full of
incredulity. ‘You just—assumed that all people should be put into
boxes? By classifying us as a kind. I’m not a kind. I’m
a … a’—Sculptor, you think. Painter. Person. The
words refuse to form on your lips. ‘You—’ You tremble, half with rage, half
with another emotion you cannot fully identify. ‘Did you even hear what I
said?’
‘Yes,
of course I did.’ It rattles you how—amused she sounds over the
phone. ‘I have to make some calls, Mill, talk to you later—real nice chatting
again.’ There is a dull thud as she drops the receiver on the other end.
You
stand there for a while, bathed in the desperate sound of your silence. Then
you drop the receiver to the floor, grab your car keys, and stride out of the
apartment.
—
For
some reason, you cannot feel the road under your wheels today.
There
is madness in the way you steer, the way you cut into corners and swerve on the
wide, empty road, as though avoiding ghost vehicles. Past apartment complexes,
past cinemas and electronics’ shops, and a huge fallen billboard that reads
‘Pretty in Pink!’ Sticking your head out of the window, you yell until your
lungs unknot themselves in your chest. Rainwater speckles your face—mud grates
under the tyres. You call Gareth’s name and Bee’s name and your own name,
louder and louder, until your voice seems to have become one with the thunder,
until you and the sky are the same.
You and the sky are the same.
You hit the brakes, finally, when you see the sea. Stumbling out of the car,
you realise that you do not know where you are—there are no buildings to speak
of, and the beginnings of dawn spear over the horizon. It has been four hours
since you started driving, and now that you have stopped, you wonder why you
did. Would it not have been wiser to just keep driving, on and on, until the
world and everything within it disappeared? You rub your eyes with the back of
your hands, then walk along the coast, coming to sit down in the sand.
The coast almost seems to breathe—or perhaps, you think, it is the sea that is
breathing, and the coast that serves as its shroud, heaving as its companion
does. At five o’clock on a monsoon morning, the lines between sea and land seem
to blur into one, as do road and pavement, and earth and sky.
Suddenly,
you realise that you are not alone. Someone sits next to you, their bare feet
propped up on a cushion of sand. You turn your head to look at them, their
features hazy, face sliding in and out of view as if hidden behind a
smokescreen.
Gareth
grins widely. ‘Hi, Mill.’
You
look at him warily. ‘Hi.’ A pause, then—‘I would scream, but I don’t quite have
the lungs for that right now.’
‘Yeah.’
Gareth stretches, and his entire visible being seems to shudder again. ‘Liaison
phoned to tell you the details?’ You nod. Gareth sighs. ‘Yeah—I asked them to.
Figured you should know.’ There is an awkward silence, then Gareth says: ‘I
know she’s telling everyone I killed myself. I think that’s very unfair.’
‘It
is…’ You roll the word around your tongue. ‘Unfair. A lot of what Bee says is
unfair.’
‘That’s
Bee for you.’ Gareth looks at his watch, then at you. ‘Mill—I don’t want you to
… you know, get hurt by her. Bee—she … isn’t the nicest person…’
You
snort. ‘You pull an Albus Dumbledore on me, only to give me that middle-grade
crap? I know what she’s like. But she’s been one of the only
people I could talk to and not feel—you know, like—you pitied me, too,’
you burst out angrily. ‘My entire life, whether it was art or—or just—the way I
am.’ You beat your fist against the sand. ‘Does it take much for people to just
accept me? My parents—nobody—could ever just decide what I
was. Sometimes it was skirts. Sometimes it was shorts. When I told them I was
agnostic, they said, “Well, you can’t just decide something like that for
yourself.” Like my sex—I had no choice in picking a religion either. Constant
identity dysphoria. And now I’m spilling my heart out to a dead man. Whose
death I do not feel sorry for.’ You crane your neck to glare at Gareth, and
your heart twinges at the look on his face. It makes you feel ashamed, so you
concentrate on looking at the horizon instead.
‘Hey,
Mill,’ he says. You turn to look at him, and his outline flickers in the sun.
‘Did you really hate me?’
You hesitate before answering. ‘Yeah. I mean—it wasn’t so much hate as
resentment, and I did … I did admire you, for as long as my ego would allow me,
but…’ You stare at your feet, nervously running a hand through your hair as you
try not to meet Gareth’s eyes. ‘You were like family to me, but I really did
hate you.’
You are surprised to see that Gareth smiles at this. ‘Glad to know that I was
still considered family. After you got that scholarship and left for Canada—I
just … we never talked the same way.’
‘You got famous,’ you say quietly. ‘And I was only good for whittling. You
married Bee, and I watched. You suffered, and I laughed. It’s strange.’
‘It
is,’ Gareth agrees. He checks his watch again—an old model, like the kind you
wore as schoolchildren. ‘I should get going. The Liaison were kind with giving
me the time to talk to you. Even though I haven’t said what I wanted to say
yet—I’m sorry. And, you should know I really didn’t pity you.’
You
shrug. ‘Doesn’t matter.’
Gareth gets to his feet. ‘It’s almost time,’ he says. ‘I’m afraid they’re going
to put you to sleep after this.’ You both stand up, and he smiles at you.
‘Goodbye.’
‘Goodbye.’ You reach out to grip his hand. ‘Gareth,’ you say, earnestly. ‘I’m
sorry. I hated you because I hated myself.’
‘How does one stop hating themself, Mill?’ Gareth asks.
‘I dunno,’ you say. ‘I’ve never really tried.’
—
You
open your eyes to a blinding sun, a sun that at first you fail to recognise for
what it is. It rains. It snows. The sky changes colours. Seashells are
scattered in the cosmos. You reach out for them, but they disappear. A giant
heart pulsates in their place—a sculpted heart, made of wood. You reach out for
it, too, but it shatters the moment your fingers skim its surface. You scream.
In every shard, you see your own face—but different. As though
every reflection is a different person. Mill the weatherman seems to be a form
from eons ago—a lighthearted jest.
Who
are you? you
ask the numerous reflections.
The
city within, they answer.
—
You
wake up on the floor in the middle of the hallway, Abalone stretched out on
your stomach. It is four o’clock. The microwave hums. All over the floor are
scattered pieces of wood—a nose here, an ear there.
Outside, the sun shines on the telephone poles. You watch, gaze unblinking, the
sun bleach the earth dry. Slowly, pigeons swoop down on the wires, curving
their claws around the lines and tucking their small heads between their wings.
The strangest image forms in your head, as you watch the pigeons settle—rows
and rows of them, like an audience sitting down to watch a tragi-comedy on some
famous stage. You imagine yourself among the pigeons, a crow trying to tuck its
head in the same way as them, trying to copy their mannerisms. Every time they
coo, you squawk. The pigeons attack you, and you jump from the wire, wings
tucked in tightly at your sides—lower, lower, spiralling to the ground. You
picture all of this: the crunch of bones against gravel, truck horns blaring,
traffic whizzing by, avoiding you by barely an inch—if at all. You picture it
all: cold and warmth at the same time. Life and lightness, and a hole opening
up in the earth to swallow you, away from all the chaos, away from the cries of
a city that has done nothing but forsaken you.
The
telephone rings, and a voice resonates through your skull: ‘Hello, this is
the Liaison speaking. We are calling to inform you…’
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