16+ Language Violence

Of gory showers and wimpy Careers

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

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A/N: My entry to the HG Bloodbath, for the prompt: "Write a short story about what you would grab from the cornucopia and why." This ended up being longer than I intended, but eh. Feel free to be as mean as you want.

Warning:
Contains language, blood and wiggly blue Afros.

~*~



You have sixty seconds to die.

The cornucopia gleams before me, like the horn of a unicorn--skewered off the poor animal's head before it could flee, I think. Its tail curves upwards, in a scorpion-like fashion and I find myself marveling at how ... apt that sounds, considering the circumstances. The cornucopia is life; the cornucopia is death.


Take your pick, I think sardonically. One of the last choices you'll make, probably.


Forty-five seconds.


I scan the horizon keenly in an attempt to drink in as much of my surroundings as I can--as quickly as I can. All the tributes around me are doing the same; some are already taking stance, ready for the moment our time is up. My legs are shaking and the perspiration drips like heavy summer showers down my forehead, but I ignore it. I stare at the cloudless sky; it stretches out above our heads like a silk tapestry; but dragging my eyes downwards, my pulse skitters, and I feel like I'm drowning.

Mountains. The one word fills me with dread. I've never seen the like of them, carving through the sky like gargoyles, their jagged teeth threatening to rip us apart. Pine trees are perched like toothpicks and there is no sign of water.

Thirty-five seconds.

I try to ignore the heavy feeling of despair that envelops my lungs in a chrysalis and eye the contents scattered on the slightly flatter ground, surrounding the cornucopia. Nothing much of importance, I think, as my eyes dart from object to object. I swear half of those objects were the ones my district supplied to the Capitol, even the neon orange sleeping bag that lies a few meters from where I'm standing now. Utterly useless, I can't help thinking. I'd be spotted and killed in less than a day with that thing. My eyes land on a spear; a dark-ish cloak; a green-and-brown, canvas knapsack; a piece of useless foot-long rope; a dog that bounds along, yelping and barking. Nothing that will really keep me alive, but I know I won't dare to try and run for the horn itself. I might be a Career, but I am not ready for this. I can't fight like the others, with their feral attitude and drive to win. I'm a wimp. A wimp. A--

Zero seconds. The gong resonates through the arena.

Run.

I trip over my feet, the blood rushing through my veins and hammering at my skull like brass cymbals. The other tributes are knocking each other aside; a girl with long braids and a face like a pug is lashing out at everyone in reach, and scarlet rivers splatter the green. I stagger slightly, slipping over the dewy grass, utterly confused. I have no strategy, no tactics, nothing whatsoever. I grab the knapsack I saw earlier--it's strangely heavy for some reason--and run, as fast as I can, away from the cornucopia: towards the sparse pine-woods, a cave, or maybe up a mountain. Anywhere, I think desperately. Anywhere but here. I sprint, the distance between me and the other tributes increasing, but suddenly, a hand comes out of nowhere and all I can see is a glint of silver before I yelp and fling the bag at the tribute's face.

Riiip. The tribute drives the knife straight through the bag and I stand, terrified, my feet frozen in place. It's Pugface, the very same girl I saw before, and she steps towards me, a cruel smile unfolding over her flabby features. She takes one look at me and whistles through her teeth.

'Well, what'd you know? A wimpy Career!' Her eyes flash and she raises the knife once more. 'Guess I'll just have to dispose of you,' she says, cackling.

What happens next is a combination of both miracle and just plain scary. I swear my heart has never thudded so fast, and nothing makes sense except for the ringing in my ears. Out of sheer impulse, I duck; flattening my body against the grass I kick out at Pugface, who staggers and falls, taken by surprise. Her knife falls to the ground. My hand reaches out for the torn canvas bag before I take hold of the knife's carved handle. I straighten up quickly along with Pugface, who is swearing profusely.

'Bitch,' she hisses, and then roars, charging towards me like a bull. I dodge, stepping to the side deftly, but a split second too late; Pugface's boulder-like fist comes into contact with my chin. I gasp. My vision is blurry and I can feel the blood flood my mouth; it tastes like bitter metal. A strange sort of anger rises within me and I strike out with the knife like a mad-man; satisfaction fills my soul as I hear Pugface cry out in pain. I want to hurt her--so very, very badly. I want to rip apart her skin and cause her pain.

Pain. Pain. Pain.

I strike, I swipe, I jab and I scream. My chest is heaving and I have no clue what is happening around me or how much blood has been shed. Pug-face clutches at her stomach, the blood pooling around her. Her face is drawn and paler than the moon. But I don't care. Hell, I don't care.

I raise the knife for the final blow, but someone stronger than me has seized me by the wrist. I struggle against their grip, but this tribute whoever-he-is is just so damn strong.

'Enough,' he says quietly, dark eyes peering into mine. 'She's dead already.'

'Who the hell do you think you are?' I spit at him vehemently. 'These are the Games and I can kill who the bloody heck I want! You might be my district partner but--'

'But what?' he says calmly.

I don't respond but glare at him instead. Out of all the Careers, my district partner--DM his name is--is the only one who's tried to help me in any way. I suppose I should ally myself with him and that includes agreeing to at least part of what he says. I sigh resignedly before saying, 'Alright. I won't kill her.'

A brief smile of approval flashes across DM's face. 'Good,' he says. 'Now let's get out of here before the Capitol picks that up.' He jerks a thumb towards Pugface's now still body, and I nod at him, wondering just when we decided that we'd be sticking together. Probably one of those mindless times he droned on about tactics and survival skills, while I was too busy pondering over the thought of dying. It's only then that I realize how dark it's gotten, and that it's quiet--almost eerily so. I'm still clutching the canvas bag in my left hand and I wonder how it'll even help me survive. What could it possibly contain? Supplies? Medicine? I frown slightly before hoisting the bag onto my shoulder. I look at DM, alias my new "partner," and ask: "Where to?"

"Mountains," he says shortly before grabbing me by the wrist and pulling me, not so gently, into the forest of thrashing pine-needles. As we disappear into the darkness, I glance back at Pugface's corpse and a sickening pang of realization hurtles through me.

My first kill.

*


It feels like it's been days since the bloodbath, but in reality it has been a little more than five hours. DM and I trekked through the forest before giving ourselves up to a torturous climb; despite being sheltered by pine trees the entire way, I begin sweating before we arrive at our destination: a rocky ledge. And it is here that we're hiding now, in a small cave with a narrow opening, half-hidden by foliage. I plop down on the floor with a clang, and the sudden sound of metal striking rock rouses me from my exhaustion.

Wait ... metal?

My eyes widen as I remember the one thing I managed to scavenge during the blood-bath. The canvas bag. I pull it into my lap and run my finger down the torn fabric. DM lazily opens an eye from where he sits on my opposite side, legs splayed out. 'You gonna open that?' he says.

I merely grunt in response before opening the knapsack rather unceremoniously. We sit there in silence, staring at the contents of the bag. My mouth falls open with disappointment.

It's a lamp. An old, metallic, Aunt Georgia's mantelpiece lamp. A useless piece of trash, I think. A stream of curses fly through my brain. I risked my life for this? A stupid lump of metal? I can feel the anger and frustration well up inside me again and my eyes are burning.

'Stupid,' I whisper. 'Stupid, stupid, stupid.'

A single tear trickles down my cheek but that itself makes my skin feel like it's on fire. It splashes down against the rusty metal and I sob, more openly this time. My body is jerking like a heaving engine, and I toss the lamp aside so it hits the wall of the cave. I curl up into a ball, not caring that the Capitol could be watching this, not caring that people could be laughing and jeering at my display of weakness right now. I wonder how many people are betting on me to die by now ...

'Yo, you have reached the magical, cough, mechanical food-genie. What is it that you wish to order or whatever?'

I raise my head in surprise at the high-pitched voice. A faint cloud of smoke is issuing from the lamp and DM is on all-fours, kneeling down and staring at it excitedly.

'Look at this!' he says, and I swear his eyes are as large as saucers. I can't help but feel a bit annoyed, though I don't really know why. I crawl over to him and we stare at the tiny hologram figure. It huffs and crosses its arms, blue Afro jerking as it regards us carefully.

'What are you, vapid or something?' it demands impatiently. 'Gosh, just give me your order! Or if you need some time to think I'll just come back later.'

'Wait,' I say quickly, before the genie-thingy has time to disappear. 'Is this a three wishes kind of deal?'

Food Genie laughs. 'Hardly, darling,' it says. 'I'm here twenty-four seven; thy wish is my command-eth and all that flab.' It waves a manicured hand at us carelessly.

DM looks askance at me. 'It's a Food Genie,' he says. 'All it'll give us is food.'

I tap my chin, trying to think. This thing could actually keep us alive, but how on earth are we supposed to use it to fight? I realize that we have no weapons and a genie with a blue Afro certainly cannot be counted upon as an aid in battle. It can give us food, yeah, I argue with myself, but how can we use it against the other tributes? How can we use it to--dare I actually say it--win these games?

Then--a sudden spark. Blinking flood-lights. A smile hitches itself on my face at my sudden revelation.

'Poison,' I say.

'Pardon?' DM is staring at me quizically. Ah, yes. He wasn't following my internal narration.

'We ask the genie for poisoned food,' I explain, 'and we lay out a trap. Didn't you notice: this year, there was no food in the cornucopia. The tributes are expected to hunt for themselves, but I guess we got lucky.' My smile broadens and I can't help but laugh. 'Sooner or later, feeding on squirrel and tree-bark won't be enough and that's when the tributes will get desperate.'

'Desperate enough to eat the first bit of decent food they catch sight of?' DM sounds unconvinced. 'Won't they get suspicious, think something's up for food like that to appear out of thin air?'

I shake my head fervently. 'No, they won't.'

'And how can you be so cock-sure 'bout that?'

'Because there's no such thing as magic and if the food arrives, it'll arrive from the Capitol --'

'Via parachute. They'll never guess!' DM looks at me with something akin to admiration. 'We might be going somewhere with this,' he says.

I smile, and for just one moment, I'm glad I have him as a partner. I try to not think about the fact that I might have to kill him sooner or later, although that reality is tugging at the back of my mind.

Focus on the present, I tell myself. You can worry about that later.

The sound of coughing breaks through my thoughts as a blue Afro wiggles and a voice pops up, 'What'll it be then?'

'Poisoned turkey,' DM and I say in unison, grimly. The genie nods once, claps its hands twice and disappears.

Four hours later, I find myself flattened against the trunk of a tree, listening to the sound of fire crackling and voices that travel clearly through the frigid air. A silver parachute is nestled within the hollow of a tree, a few meters across from me, where DM placed it carefully, a short while ago. It's in plain sight; the other Careers--whom I'd stubbornly refused to ally myself with--couldn't possibly miss it. I hear laughter, a whoop, and a cry of, 'Man, the crowds must love us!' followed by the sound of scraping. I smile slightly, before slipping away cautiously; the darkness swallows me up like a shroud.

Let the games begin.

Comments & reviews · 6
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GoldFlame
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Hey, Pomp! You reviewed my novel, so I thought I'd start returning the favor.

Unhelpful technical stuff:

The cornucopia gleams before me, like the horn of a unicorn -- skewered off the poor animal's head before it could flee, I think. Its tail curves upwards, in a scorpion-like fashion, and I find myself marveling at how ... apt that sounds, considering the circumstances.


A cornucopia's regarded as a horn. Myth goes, Hercules yanked it off the river god Achelous's head. It provided him food, much like your food genie. I've never pictured cornucopias as unicorn horns, with those dimpled lines, that flawless gleam--love your simile--but in the end, it doesn't serve a purpose. Neither do the italics. The M-dash isn't strong enough a transition.

The narrator's also all over the place. Scatterbrained. I'd be insaner if you plopped me in the narrator's position. Still, she's hopping from one idea to the next, from unicorns to metacognition.

--


I finally learned what the term is. M-dash. Thank you, Google.

Anyway, I couldn't help noticing that the narrator inserts spaces before and after each M-dash, when there shouldn't be any: "The ... unicorn--skewered ..." That way, Word automatically alters it to — .

Forty five seconds.


Forgot a hyphen here. ^_^

I scan the horizon keenly, in at attempt


The comma's unnecessary, although I see why you inserted it; I would've done the same, and I guess I'm not being very helpful, so ... yeah, I'll shut up. I also think you meant "an" instead of "at" or "at an attempt."

their jagged teeth constantly threatening to rip us apart.


The word "constantly" usually isn't used in conjunction with "forty-five seconds." It'd look a bit cleaner, too, just as: "their jagged teeth threatening to rip us apart." Less clunky.

Nothing that will really keep me alive, but I don't dare to try and run for the horn itself.


Tense trip-up here. You're peering through the simple future (what a stupid name for a tense). That "don't" should be "won't."

Pug-face


Capitalization and hyphens gets icky. Basically, you only capitalize the important elements of the hyphenated word, i.e.: "Multi-skilled/Cross-Training." But I don't think the hyphen's even necessary, in your case, unless you were writing something along the lines of: "That pug-faced girl."

In other words: Pug-Face/Pugface/Pug Face. It was Foxface in HG, if my memory's correct.

straighten up quickly, along with Pug-face who is swearing profusely.


Replace the comma after "quickly" with a comma after "Pug-face." There's also the issue of the adverbs lining up. Not really an issue, more of something that snagged a Fluency Nazi's attention. I'd just recommend: "straighten up along with Pug Face, who is swearing profusely."

and I can feel the metallic taste of blood as it fills my mouth.


This is a bit tricky because I want to correct that "feel" to "taste," but then it'd establish redundancy. I played around with the wording a bit: "and blood fills my mouth, bitter and metallic" or something vaguely along those lines, because that's a terrible example.

satisfaction fills my soul


"Fill" again. It's just a meh sort of verb. I usually use substitutes like "saturate" and "choke," but it's your piece. As long as there's no redundancy.

despite being sheltered by pine trees the entire way, I was already sweating before we arrived on a rocky ledge.


Another tense trip-up. Should be: "despite ... the entire way, I begin sweating before we arrive at our destination, a rocky ledge." (I converted the last three words to an appositive because the phrasing suggests that the rocky ledge was their destination all along, but the narrator used the article "a.")

My body is jerking like I'm having a spasm


If her body's jerking uncontrollably, she's having a spasm; the word "like" isn't needed. A spasm's any kind of muscle contraction. I prefer "paroxysms," though, because it's specific and, uh, looks cool.

'Hardly darling,'


I initially read this as "hardly daring" because the narrator forgot the comma: "'Hardly, darling' ..."

Ooh, the "and" stuff. I'll second/counter Iggy.

I used to nag people about it. Inserting commas before conjunctions in compound sentences. Then I learned that with "and," it's a stylistic choice. As long as you remain consistent, you're good. I'd recommend it, though. Not because I do it, but because it looks cleaner that way.

But sometimes there're dependent clauses disguised as independent clauses, and in that case, remove the comma: "I don't respond, but glare at him instead." Should be: "I don't respond but glare at him instead." (On an unrelated note, I'm so happy you inserted spaces before and after ellipses. :D)

Oxford commas. Hm. I won't nag you about it, since it's a stylistic choice. I was just wondering where they'd gone. Especially below. It looks like the dog accompanies the rope.

My eyes land on a spear; a dark-ish cloak; a green-and-brown knapsack; a piece of useless foot-long rope and a dog that bounds along, yelping and barking.


Technical aside, you did a wonderful job. The genie's hilarious. It's always nice seeing authors incorporate pieces of modern day into their dystopian worlds. And daring. I was afraid for a moment you'd stray off reality, but I guess the gamemakers have their fun. They get bored a lot, so a hipster genie's entertainment. :D

The pacing's also well-measured. Just beautiful. It complimented the dialogue, hugged every one if its subtle curves. I'm also admiring how you zoomed in and out. How you fused scene with narrative. The transitions--amazing. Even the character development. It's the exposition, but the narrator's voice doesn't come across stiff or dry. I'll admit, that's how Katniss began, but then Collins broke through the wall and the words flowed naturally. And DM. Ooh, he's a nerd, isn't he? I love nerdy characters. :D I'm also curious about his name. Obviously an acronym, but I can't think of any good combinations of D names and M names. Daniel Matt? Meh. I give up. What's the answer?

Sorry that this's so short. I don't have much to say after reading that; it was amazing. Keep it up! Good luck on the next entry! :D

You think this is short?! O_O You've been a huge help; I never spotted that typo, and gosh, all those trip-ups! I'm not used to writing in present-tense so I'm really glad you pointed that out! Thank you so much!
(DM actually stands for district member; I was in too much of a hurry to think of a good name! I do like Damian Maard, though, so let's pretend that's what it means, heh? :P)
<3

Ooh, Damian Maard. Mysterious. 8)

No problemo! I usually don't write in present tense, either.

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Messenger
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I thought I'd come back and give you a proper review Pomsies, so here I am!
Iggy really dissected this really well. She grabbed a lot of good nitpicks, so I am just going to reiterate some of the things she said.

One thing that really grabbed me was the fight scene. Something about it felt so real to me. The urge to to just stab and stab and stab!!! It felt really perfect. Like EXACTLY what I would do, because for some reason it is in our nature to do that. I felt that you made you MC realistic. I think that Iggy made a good point about her being a Career though. If she is a career, she should definitely have training.


That genie was just . . . bahahaha I was not expecting that as what the lamp would be useful for, although I did think the lamp had more importance then your MC (who needs a name >.<) gave it credit for. I am wondering if all of you writers for the YWSHG's are in the same Hunger Game? But anyway.

I love your writing style and your flow. It all seemed just like the Hunger Games would be from a first-person perspective. Although . . . I did notice that you skipped several hours twice in this chapter, and it felt too fast. I mean come on, since when is a teen patient enough to just wait. I'd add more mental frustration or something to that effect.

Overall it was lovely. Lemme know when the next part comes out!!!

~Messenger

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Messenger
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*mumbles and drools* dat wuz so good

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Iggy
Review
Iggy wrote a review · Tue Jun 03, 2014 3:39 pm

Hello! So, uh... Why isn't this under fanfiction? :P

Wow! I gotta say, this is my favorite so far. I think you captured the feel of the Hunger Games perfectly.

My only nitpick was your tendency to put unnecessary commas before and. Examples:

Pine trees are perched like toothpicks, and there is no sign of water.


I glance back at Pug-face's corpse, and a sickening pang of realization hurtles through me.


It splashes down against the rusty metal, and I sob


A faint cloud of smoke is issuing from the lamp, and DM is on all-fours,


There's more, so please go through, fix the ones I pointed out and find the others.

You also switch tenses here:

My mouth has fallen open with disappointment.


Change the bolded to falls.


But other than that, this was so very good! My thoughts~

1. I love that you actually show us what's going on. I like that you didn't jump straight to your main character grabbing their object and running away with it. You actually took us through the scenes, writing it like it's supposed to be written. Your description of the Cornucopia and the bloodbath was amazingly visual and pleasuring to read!

2. The battle with Pugface. I'm not a big fan of her name, as it's too similar to Foxface. I think you could've been more creative, there. If you wanted her to stand out, you should've given her a missing limb or a birthmark on her cheek or something. I do, however, like the fight scene. I like that Pugface put the main character (who needs a name) into a position where she had to fight back. And then the kill was great. It showed how easily people snap in the Games and how angry and violent she can become in a second.

3. Let's talk about the main character for a second. I like that you made her a Career but I find it a bit odd that she's a wimp. See, if she's a Career, then she would have had good training all her life. She'd have the best mentors, the richest sponsors, the bitchiest attitude, et cetera. You made her seem rather weak and pathetic compared to any other Career.

Now, I'm a fan of putting your own twist to fanfiction. So I like this. It's similar to what I was doing with my Hunger Games fanfic. But I honestly can't picture a weak Career. At the very least, she'd have good reflexes and good strategies, even if she was rather weak-willed and scared.

4. DM. Now he's unique. I like that he stops her from stabbing Pugface until there's nothing left. That shows me that he's gonna be the anchor of the duo, the one that keeps her true to herself and not becoming the Capitol's puppet.

5. The genie! Oh, I love the personality you gave the genie! The afro, the manicure, just the way s/he talked -- it was all so perfect. I adore it! I think if I had to pick a favorite character, that would be it. *sagenods* Sounds like my kind of spirit animal right there.

6. The poison was genius. A nod towards the nightlock berries, I wonder? Or just something you thought of? Because food will only keep them alive for so long, until someone comes along and kills them for the lamp. No, they had to get out there and start killing people. Of course, the food would only get them so far, seeing as how the Gamemakers want more than just people keeling over from food poisoning. But it was a great start, it was genius and it was just a good tactic. I love it~

I loved this story overall! Nicely written, beautifully detailed imagery, captivating scenes and just overall really well done. I enjoyed reading this. I hope my review helps!

~Iggy

Thanks for the review. <3



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