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o.1 a girl swallows a lunar eclipse

by Pompadour


a/n: this is part one of ten of 'a girl swallows...'. the rest of the poems after this one probably will not follow a storyline or anything, but they will be loosely connected thematically, so.

please rip~

--

o.1

a concept: your hair woven into tatami mats,
eyes gleaming like tungsten filament in an argon web--
you glow incandescent, lips stained to look as though
the sun blushed when it first saw you,
dipped behind your cupid's bow,
and stayed there.

a concept: rushes kissing mellow soil in August
['they only choose the good seedlings, mother']:
November sun, bone china teacups and resentment
steeped and poured into saucers, into palms opened
like parasols against April sun.
['your bone china must glimmer like starlight:
as pale as Andromeda, as elliptical, as dainty--
do you not want to be like the stars?']

a concept: bone china breaks easily--
so parcel it, bind it in lace, and hide it
from peering eyes. it would be perjury to suggest
that 3000 degrees is nothing to a sturdy heart: your eyes dusty
and mildewed where rumour touches them, the colour
of animal bone ash, the subtext of old books
under torchlight. [‘you are not a sturdy heart, darling:
you are a woman, you are knotted limbs and slender arms
and lips pursed into perpetual smiles.’]

concept: ‘you are effectively quite useless’--
you are simmering rage and wild storms
riding the winter skyline, you are bone china
refusing to chip, you are bound in lace,
not spider-silk, arms untangling themselves
and leaping past the harvest meadows. the earth
steps between the moon and the sun;

an obscuration: swallow it.
let the moon shine on your eyelids tonight.


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Sun Apr 30, 2017 1:11 am
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Kaylaa wrote a review...



Hi there, Pomp, I'm hopping in for a review.

I have to admit that I'm mixed on this one. I see that this is the first in a series, and I would like to see a series of poems that are connected coming from you, but I don't see this to be your best work and you might want to do a rewrite. I believe that this is an interesting concept, and that's what it is--a concept.

One that hasn't been fully fleshed out to your full potential. Agreeing with Hannah, I love the language and word choice that you use in this poem, similar in quality to many other pieces of yours. I found to be the thread to tie these stanzas together to be too thin this time for my liking.

We can see as the reader that you play with the sun, the moon, and the earth, but I don't believe that it goes anywhere. Where is the overarching theme of this piece? I couldn't find anything bigger behind these concepts, and I believe if you wrapped it up in a different way with a line that states these are all concepts, I would have a better perception overall. I believe that something akin to, 'a realization: these are concepts, and that is how they will stay'.

Of course, it wouldn't have to be exactly that. That'd be my ideal ending, anyway, and by no means do you have to listen to me in that. As always, I love the imagery in this piece, which has become a regular compliment for me to say for your poetry because your imagery is consistently solid, though I would like to see you tackle other aspects and concepts. I would like to see how these poems end up connecting in thematically, since there's no storyline to it, so we'll see how that ends up turning out!

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.


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Tue Apr 25, 2017 4:54 am
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Hannah wrote a review...



Hi, Pomp,

As with any poem, I think there will be people who dig it and get right into it and people who are not quite able to do so. It's of course always up to you to decide if you're satisfied with the amount of people who get it vs. the amount who don't. And I say this because I have to admit that I'm not getting this poem.

Which doesn't mean I don't enjoy the language. I do. I love the diction -- tatami mats, tungsten, cupid's bow, etc. That specificity is rich with texture, and especially the refrain of bone china and how it is paired with its wrapping is a strong image with visceral implications (I can feel the smoothness, but the roughness of the wrapping, etc.).

But I cannot find the rhythm of the narrative of emotion. I feel at parts that it's clear there's something to be angry at -- that the speaker becomes bone china that does not break, but I'm not sure how it's relevant to previous stanzas or what the emotions are in previous stanzas. For example:

it would be perjury to suggest
that 3000 degrees is nothing to a sturdy heart


perjury, 3000 degrees, "sturdy heart" -- these are all lovely ideas, but I can't make out the meaning of this sentence, and so I feel lost and I really don't want to be!

Of course, you introduce each stanza with the word concept, so I get the feeling that you're wanting to avoid direct description of the narrative/emotion. I understand that. But I love piecing together emotion from sentences that don't really make sense, and I still can't do that in some of these stanzas.

If you'd like to take a closer look at it together, feel free to PM me? Or if you've written others in this set, maybe it makes more sense with its partners rather than on its own. :)

Questions or comments -- please send them my way! Thank you for sharing!!

Hannah




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Wed Apr 19, 2017 10:13 pm
Revialle says...



Wow, This is really good! I love the format of this. I cant seem to find anything that needs improving, so please continue writing; I'll be on the look out. I love how obscure [I think that's the right word?] it is, not stating anything specific. I especially love how it reminds me of a folktale.
The only thing I can say is: Perhaps some capitalization? I totally get if that's on purpose, but it's a bit of a pet peeve of mine. And, although I love it as it is, maybe a /bit/ more clarification? It seems a bit random, as I reread it. I'm using 'bit' very lightly here.
Besides that, good job! I really love it.





I am big enough to admit I am often inspired by myself.
— Leslie Knope