z

Young Writers Society



when i walked into the sun

by Pompadour


when i walked into the sun, someone told me
to look at it as if it were a simile,
because likening an object to a shadow of itself
makes the object less human--less painful,
less turgid; it draws the taste of copper
from your tongue even as blood repaints
your teeth. it gnashes the stars
into particles of themselves,
and turns misery into art: spontaneous, sudden,
and as easily forgotten as it is felt.
but who says that likenesses cannot be felt?
who says that walking into the sun
is like walking into a dead man's cellar? and who says
that apathy is not a feeling, but devoid of any?

i feel it.

i feel it with all the trepidation of hangmen walking into church,
the ghosts of their past selves clinging to their necks
like lost lovers drowned in oxygen. i feel it
every time i exhale, every time i struggle
to pinch words together like a pince-nez
to the collarbone of a coherent sentence. i feel it
broiling in my veins like a tempest; i swear
                                                      
there is apathy in my bones--solid,
                                                       unfeeling, like a subcutaneous layer of skin
                                                       beneath skin, beneath skin, a mantle
                             that shifts and shakes that roars and rumbles and quakes until i feel--

i feel nothing.

i feel nothing like an empty box enclosed within itself,
like thick fog curdling on my tongue
and tired puffs of air spilling from parted lungways.
nothing feels like it will never stop. sometimes, i think,
nothing has stopped, halted as i walked into my sun, halted
and taken my hand, halted as it led me into this mineshaft
filled with rotting heartcrumbs and mouldy bread.

because somebody once told me, when i was younger,
that nothing feels like the sun on a cloudy day,
and to look up at my sun whenever it came--or suns,
'because there might be several, you know, maybe at different times,
maybe at the same, like red-walled wells turned karez.
so hold your shoes tight,
laces looped around fingers in figure-eights,
alternate nooses to remind you that wherever you look forward to,
it will never be home.'

and they told me to picture my veins as rivers tumbling downhill,
and to know that if the sun burnt me up,
my veins would extinguish what it made me feel.

but my veins, i say, have seas broiling within them;
there is no calm, and there are no storms
to assuage me.

i am walking into my sun, i say;
it is cloudy;
my tongue is made of fog.
and apathy holds me responsible
for the burning of my own soul.


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80 Reviews


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Sun Mar 26, 2017 9:47 pm
VegasLights wrote a review...



Hello, Pompadour. Steam1244 here to give you a review! All I have to say is wow, just wow. You are an astonishing writer, I mean really! This has a deep meaning and it sticks to the concept throughout the poem.

A few things I noticed were capitalization, punctuation, and the flow. I say this because I noticed "i" was left like this in your poem, but I think it should have been capitalized. If you would care to elaborate to why it was left like this, please explain. Punctuation because I saw some overused semi-colons and I believe comas, please excuse me if I am wrong. I also say the flow, or rhythm felt messed up a bit. But, still your poem was great I mean it rendered me speechless. Yes, I know, that somethings can't be perfect, nor should it be. That comment was for everyone, not just you. I say this because we always make mistakes as human beings, and sometimes we do it for a reason. I'm sorry, I kind of sounded harsh, I didn't mean too.

I thank you for your time and I hope you have a great day!

Keep Writing,
Miranda




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24 Reviews


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Sun Mar 26, 2017 6:38 pm
LucytheBrave wrote a review...



OML
I love this!
First of all, you used advanced vocabulary, but not out of context. Instead of someone trying to make them self seem smarter, your use of the words is excellent. Your phrasing is masterful, and the way the words have a sort of rhythm all by themselves. Many people write poetry as just sentences, without rhythm or phrasing, and that's just a short story. But this is beautifully written.
The only things I would have improved about this poem are 1. The punctuation, because it's a bit awkward plus you forgot to Capitalize and misused semi-colons. And 2. The flow is a bit confusing. It's hard to tell what was going on later in the poem, after the excerpt which was put in the center of the page.
However, overall, It's a truly excellent poem. I can't wait to see more of your works.

Write on!
~Lucy




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Thu Mar 09, 2017 10:51 am
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Arcticus says...



because somebody once told me, when i was younger,
that nothing feels like the sun on a cloudy day,
and to look up at my sun whenever it came--or suns,
'because there might be several, you know, maybe at different times,
maybe at the same, like red-walled wells turned karez.
so hold your shoes tight,
laces looped around fingers in figure-eights,
alternate nooses to remind you that wherever you look forward to,
it will never be home.'


This. This is exactly why you're a powerhouse.




Pompadour says...


<3



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176 Reviews


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Thu Mar 09, 2017 10:38 am
sheysse wrote a review...



Hey there! Shey here to review!
Reviewsy time!

My first comment is the lowercase "i." It's poetry, so you don't technically need to follow grammatical rules. However, usually you break rules for a reason, and I can't see a reason to do it in this poem. If you can explain the reason, please do. I think you should make the reason more obvious if you have one, and if you don't, then I'd capitalize them.

My other comment is the rhythm. To me, this read a lot like a narrative, and it seems less and less like a poem. My suggestion would be to make the lines shorter, so they seem less like sentences. You don't have to remove content in them, just press enter in the middle of them. That should make the rhythm more noticeable, and give the poem a nice shape.

That's all I've got! I only commented on the bad things in it, but it was a really great poem, and I look forward to seeing more of your works in the future! Adieu!

-Sheyren




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Thu Mar 09, 2017 12:20 am
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Saruka says...



Okay, let me begin with I love this. I am sorry to not give you any constructive criticism but I thought it was that good. The comparison of totally different mindsets and how they can be from the same person and how horrifying it is and how it can rip you apart. I thought it was very well structured, and it was very meaningful. Again, I'm sorry I couldn't give you any constructive criticism, but I thought it was that good.

~
Saruka




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Wed Mar 08, 2017 9:42 pm
Midnightmoon says...



WOW!!! That's what I said when I read this poem. It's amazing. Such deep feeling in it as well! It really makes one think about what is being said. I honestly have no corrections to make. Keep writing!





I hope everyone's safe and sound and has some potatoes in the pantry.
— Arcticus