Young Writers Society

Hi PoetryMisfit,

Mailice here with a short review!

So, I have the impression that we have a big difference between the sections here, almost as if you have painted a picture that describes joy and happiness, but you have used gloomy and sad colours. At least it leaves me with the bland taste of a kind of fairy tale that fizzles out as soon as you think about it too much.

In terms of writing style, I think you build up a very poetic tone. It seems very well constructed in many places and reads very smoothly and evenly in parts, as if you were a ball rolling from one side of the scale to the next. In the second section in particular, I think it stands out because you always use an "and" to lengthen the sentences, which gives the effect of going from one line to the next in a poem.

Your introduction is good as it is, with a partly very mysterious and philosophical tone. It makes me think that you have taken two basic points and reversed them. It gives the introduction a good way into the story, especially to allow the reader to settle in and let their imagination run wild.

With the third section, everything seems to go in a different direction. It doesn't seem so poetic and dreamy anymore, but realistic, almost as if the house of cards you've built up has collapsed. It gave me this feeling of being down, of waking up after a beautiful dream, only to know that the bland aftertaste is that the more you think about it, the paler the memory becomes.

But at the same time, I had the impression that it was a kind of "new morning", where you give hope a new chance and through that you give some kind of happiness along the way.

In summary, it was visibly a short and wonderful story with a very nice tone and great build-up!

Other points I noticed while reading:

The moon is an island and it is a lonely place to be.

The waves lap against her pale shores and at times completely wash over her, until there is nothing but a roiling dark surface where she used to shine.

Hi, here is a quick review:

I noticed that nature and its vastness are a couple of overarching themes here...you have tried to describe the sky as an 'ocean', and your head as a 'sky' of dreams, etc. I did find many of the metaphors and similes you have used to be abstract and hyperbolic. It would help the reader to picture your descriptions better if you used more concrete examples in your descriptions.

I liked the idea of the mermaid. However, again I was not able to visualize what you were trying to say, and the descriptions of the mermaid such as "she was a walking dream", " her eyes were were indigo oceans too deep to fathom", "her illuminescent beauty"... were abstract and vague.

Do keep writing!

These are just opinions. Please take only what you can accept, and discard the rest.
Have a great day!

NEW STORY FROM YOU omg I'm excited and I'll just get right into it :)

The sky is an ocean, the twinkle of its waves reflecting the lights of the world.

A mermaid swims by, her illuminescent beauty gleaming as she glides across the surface of the cosmos.

The moon is an island and it is a lonely place to be.

She was a walking dream with footsteps trailing starlight in her wake.

I have dreams full of happy memories and gumdrop fantasies so sweet, the clouds look like cotton candy.

And there are dreams that tear across the sky like a storm, leaving only darkness in its wake.

Sometimes, a light shines through the clouds when my mind is lost deep within the dark enfolds.

And the sun shines brightly, making the colors in my sky glow, so when I wake up, the sun shines on a sky full of happy thoughts.

Hi Poetry Misfit!
Here's a review for you today!

When I sleep, my head is like the sky and my dreams are the colors displayed across it.

I have dreams full of happy memories and gumdrop fantasies so sweet, the clouds look like cotton candy.

And the sun shines brightly, making the colors in my sky glow, so when I wake up, the sun shines on a sky full of happy thoughts.

A mermaid swims by, her illuminescent beauty gleaming as she glides across the surface of the cosmos.