A ball of light plummeted to the Earth at an alarming rate, leaving a streak of dancing particles in its wake. The light kissed the mist lingering in the air over a sleeping town before finally landing in a field of wild flowers. The night was silent except for the soft rustling of the trees dancing in the wind. The brilliance emanating from the ball of light faded as the Earth gently coaxed it into darkness. A girl who had been stargazing close by stood staring at the impact, never before experiencing a step out of the ordinary. She wondered what could create such brilliance, and ran to discover the source of light. Her untamed hair flew in the wind.
As she got closer there was no longer a bright mass of dancing atoms but a boy sprawled among the flowers. His skin glowed softly with a golden hue, his hair a white pallor like the face of the moon. She sunk to her knees beside him as he breathed slow and steady – asleep. She watched his white lashes brush against his golden cheeks as he slept, and thought he was very handsome.
A rush of euphoria flooded her heart and burst through every chamber, awakening a strange sensation. She felt light enough to soar beyond the moon as her head swayed in a giddy stupor. She laid down beside him and aligned her body with his but placed a respectful gap of flowers between them. Her back to the soft bed of grass, she glanced up at the stars and imagined what stories the boy could tell. And as her head swam with pleasant dreams of starlight she shut her eyes and faded away into the tendrils of sleep.
The hazy mist of the morning awoke her and she opened her eyes to find the mysterious boy gone. She sat up and looked around but he was nowhere in sight. Was it just a dream, she wondered. But she touched the grass where his body had been and still felt a kiss of warmth. She returned home convinced the boy was real and tucked the memory of him into a secret place in her heart where it would remain untouched by the weathering of time.
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Okay...this was a pretty interesting story...I liked the overall vibe of this story quite a bit and the descriptions sprinkled throughout were really interesting to see.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm...well that was a beautiful description to start things off with. It creates quite a lovely picture and this passage definitely does a great job at pulling readers into the story. Hmm...well let's see where this start takes us then shall we?
Well...that was quite a description again. Its painting a really nice picture here so far. Aaand...well...looks like there is at least a little bit of magic involved here with the whole sky stuff so that's also a lot of fun.
Aaaand we go right for a nap...okay that took a turn I wasn't expecting but it does have pretty nice sounding and fairly peaceful imagery...its a pretty relaxed and quite nice description so far. Although the actions don't quite seem to be spelling out too much to me...or maybe its just getting slightly overshadowed by the description, I'm not terribly sure there.
Hmmm...well that was sadder than I expected...hmm...but it was still kinda of a fitting ending...surprising but I shall take it. Its a good ending I think.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Hmm...not too much for me to say here...it was definitely enjoyable and a pretty simple story that works out fairly well.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi Harry.
Thank you for your review, and this piece definitiely doesn't have much plot-wise but I really appreciate you taking the time to read and review my story.
Hello! ^_^ First off, welcome to YWS! <3 I hope you are having a lovely time here, and if you ever have any questions, feel free to ask! c:
I saw this piece in the literary section and decided to leave a review! I'm going to leave some of my thoughts and impressions while reading though this piece, and hopefully that will help you in determining how readers may interpret this!
I love your opening - it's quite attention grabbing, and I'm already wondering what's going on! In addition, I love the phrase "dancing particles" -> personifying particles here works really well, and it added some flair to this c:
Ahh, here again, I love how you're personifying things like light! It adds to the mystical and magical feel. In addition, your word choice is super gorgeous, which further contributes to the atmosphere I'm getting from this piece ^^
Okay this is SUPER NITPICKY, but since this piece is pretty much perfect already, I'm trying to offer very tiny suggestions that might help you c: I noticed these three sentences in a row started with "the" -> it might be helpful to change it up a bit so it doesn't seem too repetitive!
Okay this is also just a person suggestion so please feel free to ignore if you don't agree xD The tow times you used "brilliance" are pretty separated because of other sentences in between it, but perhaps you could replace one of them with a synonym? I noticed the repetition, but it's honestly not that big of a deal - it's mostly just a personal preference to avoid it c: <3
YOUR DESCRIPTIONS ARE GORGEOUS <3
This is a really neat line. Your other lines are beautiful, imager-filled descriptions. But there's something so human and something so simple about this line, it made me pause. It's such a simple thought, but ahh I really don'y know how to explain it - I seriously love this bit
Ahh I love the way you phrased this! Instead of saying something like "she touched the grass and felt where he had once laid" or whatever, you described it in an indirect and quite beautiful way.
I think you really accomplished the "fleeting love" idea you were trying to portray - you described the boy and the setting so beautifully, but he was gone in an instant. I think this piece is bittersweet, and I really enjoyed how you chose to end this. It reaffirmed the theme of this piece in a sweet and also sad say. Eep, so pretty <3
Overall, I really enjoyed this! c: It's so wonderful how much imagery you were able to include in a shorter piece! Your descriptions were so vivid, and I could picture the setting quite perfectly in my head. In addition, your description of the setting established an atmosphere super well! I got an overall mysterious and magical feel from this; I could imagine the field of flowers and what the boy looked like.
I don't have much more to say; I hope to read more from you soon, and I hope these thoughts help you in some way! <3
Hi starlitmind.
Thank you for reviewing my story and I have definitely taken all of your thoughts and edits into consideration. They only further help me to improve and I'm really happy you liked it!
This was great! I love how you managed to stretch a single moment into an entire story, I love how romantic your prose is, and I love how you made love at first sight feel natural. My critique would be that you have a few grammar errors. "And as her head swam with pleasant dreams of starlight she shut her eyes and faded away into the tendrils of sleep." should have a common between starlight and she, "She sat up and looked around but he was nowhere in sight." should have a comma between around and but, and "She returned home convinced the boy was real and tucked the memory of him into a secret place in her heart where it would remain untouched by the weathering of time. " should have a comma between heart and where.
Hi Poetry Misfit,
Mailice back here with a new review!
After reading your other short story, I had to check this one out right away too! I have not been disappointed!
From the beginning to the end, you are captivated again. Your descriptions are so wonderful and graceful, one doesn't have enough to look at. This poetic vein you have struck works like magic. Your way of writing is really magical. It's like a kind of caress that I feel in my head when I read the lines.
I could probably quote almost every single sentence here and say how much I liked it, so I'll keep it short and mention what caught my eye the most. These verses (to call them sentences would really be too bad), I liked the most:
Wouldn't you like to try to make a poem out of that?
Maybe the only thing I can comment on that I didn't really like, but it's nothing tragic; you used "dancing" in the previous section and used it again here. Maybe "frolicking" could have been used there. But that's not to say I think it's bad.
The story seems so beautiful and yet so fragile, like a little fledgling you're holding in your hands. It´s really like a dream, a wonderful dream, you wake up in the morning, just to realise, that maybe you will never feel and see the same again.
Again, I can't describe what goes through my mind when I read it, but it's enough to make me smile.
I hope you keep up this style of writing. It is very unique in my opinion.
Mailice.
Hi Mailice.
Thank you for your kind words, and I'm really glad you liked the story.
I love it, L-O-V-E, love it. The description sucks you in, and along with the flawless flow, keeps you interested till the end. I just wish there was more. There is really nothing I can critique you on. I am not one to normally read romantic stories, so the fact that you sucked me into the story like that, well, I have to say well done. I really, really enjoyed this.
Hi BEASTtheHUN! Thank you for your review, I'm really happy you liked my story, romance and all.