Young Writers Society

Hi Poetry Misfit,

Mailice here with a short review!

My first impression of the story was eerie and mysterious, suspenseful and enigmatic. Your short story has something magical about it, which I really love, and draws the reader in. I like how the two characters remain nameless throughout the story and you only know them minimally. It gives the whole plot an even more subconscious, dramatic mist that you have while reading. It is tangible and yet unknown.

Some points that struck me while reading:

Unless the fish were merely taunting him, swimming circles around his boat in mockery of his attempt to catch them.

He was intruding on their world after all.

Her arms were propped on the side of the boat and her long black hair flowed like two black rivers down her chest.

She dragged him upwards until they broke the surface where he drank the air in one giant gulp after another.

Omg yesss you wrote a new story :')) I'd love to leave a review for you, if you don't mind! ^_^

A young man sat on the sea and looked out to the horizon where it stretched endlessly as though to the edge of the world.

He searched his reflection on the tremoring surface and found an emptiness within his eyes that could engulf the entire ocean.

There was a peace that came with the solitude as he sat back in the boat and thought about how dull his life must have seemed to others.

He didn’t desire any grand adventure, though many youth such as him thirsted for it.

A splash suddenly disrupted the steady downpour and he immediately sat up to inspect his fishing line, but nothing had been caught.

Unless the fish were merely taunting him, swimming circles around his boat in mockery of his attempt to catch them. He was intruding on their world after all.

Another splash, this time from behind. He turned but saw only movement from the current. The ocean was playing tricks.

Where did she come from? “How? Wha–” he stammered.

“Thank you for your warning. Maybe we’ll meet again,” he asked hopefully, which surprised him.

The rain pierced through the dense fog, which continued to obscure a view of the shore. The current grew aggravated and waves began to push and pull his small boat, sending him reeling in one direction and then another.

A dark figure slowly approached and he reached out his hand, the song growing louder.

She looked sad. “I know,” he admitted, “and look, I’m not much farther. I’ll get there.”

He looked at her questioningly when suddenly various small hands seized his arms and legs, dragging him beneath the surface, her face being the last thing he ever saw.

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!!

First Impression: Hmm..this was a really interesting story and as a fan of both the sea and mermaids and other mysterious sea creatures this was definitely a lot of fun to read...although the poor guy ended up getting dragged away there in the end. Well, a bit more detail down below.

Anyway let's get right to it,

A young man sat on the sea and looked out to the horizon where it stretched endlessly as though to the edge of the world.

He searched his reflection on the tremoring surface and found an emptiness within his eyes that could engulf the entire ocean. There was a peace that came with the solitude as he sat back in the boat and thought about how dull his life must have seemed to others.

Many people travel the world to find the answers to life’s riddles but the sea had all he needed. He didn’t desire any grand adventure, though many youth such as him thirsted for it. Sometimes he wished the ocean would swallow him whole so that he would never be apart from it.

The first drops of rain slid down his face so gently he wondered if he’d imagined them, until more followed suit. He closed his eyes, welcoming them. A splash suddenly disrupted the steady downpour and he immediately sat up to inspect his fishing line, but nothing had been caught. How odd.

Unless the fish were merely taunting him, swimming circles around his boat in mockery of his attempt to catch them. He was intruding on their world after all.

Another splash, this time from behind. He turned but saw only movement from the current. The ocean was playing tricks.

He sighed and turned back to his fishing line when he nearly collided with the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her arms were propped on the side of the boat and her long black hair flowed like two black rivers down her chest. Where did she come from? “How? Wha–” he stammered.

She leaned forward and brought her face close to his, studying him with an intensity that made his cheeks burn. He cleared his throat and prepared to say something when she said, “I’ve never seen a human up close before. How peculiar.”

What does she mean by human? Isn’t she human? He had heard stories from the men at the wharf about mermaids who lured men to a watery grave with their beauty. He cleared his throat again. “Well what exactly are you if not human?”

She furrowed her brows and withdrew from him. “I am sure you’ve heard the legends about us - mermaids - as you like to call us. We belong to the sea and the sea belongs to us,” she paused, “you should return to your village. There is a terrible storm coming and the others are preparing to feast. It is not safe for you.”

Why would she warn him when she could easily drag him down to the depths where the others must surely be?

Others.

Were they civil like her or more closely resembling the sinister mermaids he’d heard about? He was a long way out from the shore, and the rain grew heavier in thick drops that quickly drenched him.

He grabbed his oars and turned to the mermaid who had pushed away from the boat. He stared, mesmerized by her beauty, and caught himself leaning towards her, quickly readjusting himself. “Thank you for your warning. Maybe we’ll meet again,” he asked hopefully, which surprised him.

She said nothing as she slipped beneath the surface and he caught a quick glimpse of a silver tail with gleaming scales that matched her eyes.

He had never seen anything like her before, and waited to see if she would resurface, but when the water remained still he started towards the shore. The muscles in his arms burned as he rowed as quickly as he could not daring to look at the ensuing storm gathering behind him.

The rain pierced through the dense fog, which continued to obscure a view of the shore. The current grew aggravated and waves began to push and pull his small boat, sending him reeling in one direction and then another.

Suddenly, a large wave rose up against the sky and he gritted his teeth as it crashed, flipping his boat and throwing him into the water. The cold water seized him like a vise and as he spun he couldn’t tell which way was up.

Numb, he felt the current grab hold him and pull. What if he let the ocean swallow him after all? He slowly sank as what little light illuminated the surface faded to darkness.

He closed his eyes and listened to the thrumming of the ocean.

The churning of the current.

And a distant song that resounded throughout, eerily melodic. There were no words, just a vocalization. He felt compelled to find its source no matter how far he had to swim. A dark figure slowly approached and he reached out his hand, the song growing louder.

A face appeared and then the sleek body of the woman from before. Her pale skin glowed in the darkness, as did her silver tail. Her lips formed around the melody she sang and again he fell victim to her magnetic pull – mesmerized.

She came close, her dark hair swirling around them like a thick cloud as she brought her hands to his face and her lips to his. Air filled his lungs that burned from holding his breath so long.

She dragged him upwards until they broke the surface where he drank the air in one giant gulp after another. “I told you to go back,” she said. He looked around and spotted the shore not far from where he was. How he covered so much distance, he did not know. He turned back to her. She looked sad. “I know,” he admitted, “and look, I’m not much farther. I’ll get there.”

She slowly shook her head. “I’m afraid it’s too late.” He looked at her questioningly when suddenly various small hands seized his arms and legs, dragging him beneath the surface, her face being the last thing he ever saw.

I think this story's really cool!
I like the idea on its own and I think it's written/executed really well. I haven't got much in the way of criticism or advice, but I thought I'd just let you know what I liked about it.
Firstly I like the concept of the story - with someone at sea and the mermaid. It's cool because most depictions of mermaids don't really show them as scary or life-threatening.
I really like how this is structured, with the breaks in paragraphs and general story structure. It's easy to read because no part feels like it drags on too long, or goes by too quickly.
I like how you repeatedly mention how he thinks about the ocean swallowing him - I think it's rlly cool in the context of what happens.
The only thing I could give as feedback is that I think it'd be cool if you described what the woman/mermaid looks like when he first sees her, rather than just saying she was beautiful. I did really like describing her hair as "rivers" though, especially because it fits with the theme.
Well done for writing this and thanks so much for sharing this was really fun to read!