Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Hmm...well this was a really neat little story....bit of a sadish start there and then a very sweet ending...it also had a very fairy tale esque vibe to it over the course of the story and I just loved that....well anyway more details down below.

Anyway let's get right to it,

A boy with a face as pale as the moon gazed up at the stars – his eyes twinkling in the dim light like two drops of fairy dust. He yearned for the dark sky to reach down upon the earth and cradle him in its cosmos.

Hmm...okay...that's a pretty neat start there, definitely some really interesting wished there for this boy...and the description there for the boy is really nicely done too.

He wished to be enveloped in the twilight, to be whisked away to a kingdom where the stars never faded and the world was cast in eternal night – utter bliss.

Hmm...well that's an interesting wish to have, to be someone that loves the night sky and stars enough to want to spend their time in an eternal night.

Every night as the moon ascended to her peak in the sky, the boy climbed out through his bedroom window and up the ivy veins to the roof.

He could always hear a soft melody drift through the air, the words a distant but strangely familiar cry in the wind that calmed his disquieted heart. He softly hummed the lament, pondering the stars in their vast array.

Hmm...well that melody definitely seems like it could be really interesting....this story is giving off a nice fairytale vibe at the moment and I am all for it.

Meanwhile every night, from her seat on the porcelain throne overlooking the world, the lonely lunar queen would sing the world to sleep.

The boy’s voice carried woes of his own fragility and loneliness when he responded to her song - a dark void of solitude where she too often found herself.

Hmm...well that's a surprisingly emotional note there, two lonely souls just sort of singing out to each other...that's a beautiful and sad thing to imagine there...this is a really cool pair of paragraphs there.

The boy’s heart was a battered ship amidst internal tempests, kindred to her own, always on the brink of falling apart. His heart called to hers, like a beacon on the shore, their song the guiding light binding their souls together.

Ahh the description there is just awesome...its perfectly captures the situation going on here and this whole thing is getting a very poetic vibe at the moment.

On one particular night he ascended to his rooftop in a fit of tears, shedding the entire ocean within him. The queen’s heart broke with every shattering cry, which rang out like an echo into the boundless void.

The description continues to somehow be epic and emotional at the same time...I'm going to stop trying to figure out how and just enjoy it from here on.

She could hear his cries from miles high and grew pained at the thought of what could ail him. For this, she blew him a kiss of wind, which descended upon his rooftop, whooshing him upward through and through layers of the atmosphere.

Hmm...well this could be interesting...she's really trying to reach out here...

He glanced down at the world, tears clinging to his face before tumbling to the earth, which grew smaller and smaller as he ascended higher and higher.

His feet settled upon the moon dust before the lunar queen, their gazes converging in the silent stillness. She was beautiful, dressed in a gown of starlight and a crown of moonstone, her face shining like porcelain.

Ahh...loving all of this imagery so far, you're really creating some amazing visuals here in this story. This definitely does seem like it would be quite a cool place. And that ascent to the moon also really captures the magic of this area well.

The boy’s tears faded as he looked upon her with wonder. “Where are we?” He asked. She spread out her arms and gestured to the beautiful moonstone architecture surrounding them. “Why, the moon of course,” she answered. “And the earth as well as all its inhabitants are fast asleep, except for you. Do you know why that is?”

Hmm...well the fairy tale vibes are seriously increasing now...and well I love it...

He shook his head. “Because you are special my dear boy. I have brought you here that I may lay your woes to rest with mine far away. Now come, and let me dry your tears for here there will be no more sadness.” She beckoned him forward.

He gazed at her in hesitation before taking a step, then another before stumbling up the steps and into her arms. “Can I live here forever,” he whispered into the dazzling folds of her gown. “Here, you may fulfill every dream in your heart my dear child.” She then began to sing, soft as the night, which settled around them.

That feels almost like this is some kind of analogy for him having died here and then ascended to live forever in peace among the stars...or am I overthinking this...at any rate this is looking like a really peaceful ending we're heading towards and away from all that sadness at the start.

This song however did not weave a tale of woe in the way her other melody did. Instead, from it ushered a fountain of joy, which sprang up within her heart while the boy, her little prince, lay cradled in her arms.

After a while he began to sing as well and together they voiced their newfound contentment in each other as the moon’s descent made way for the rising sun.

Well that's a sweet little ending...and as someone who loves exactly that type of ending, I love this.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Well...this was quite a nice little story here....definitely a pretty relaxing story to read and you're left with a smile on your face at the end of it. Not much else you can really ask from a story eh?

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

AHHH I really love your stories, so I'm super excited to see that you've written another one! ^_^ And I'd love to leave a review for you, if you don't mind :)

A boy with a face as pale as the moon gazed up at the stars – his eyes twinkling in the dim light like two drops of fairy dust. He yearned for the dark sky to reach down upon the earth and cradle him in its cosmos.

Ahh, I absolutely love the first paragraph and your ability to connect facial features with celestial imagery. HIs eyes being compared to drops of fairy dust is such a unique description! And the latter sentence has such a comforting and beautiful feel. Being cradled by the cosmos isn't something I ever expected to see, and I really love it!
I personally don't think the dash really works in the first sentence, but it's up to you! ^_^ I just think that a comma would work better

He wished to be enveloped in the twilight, to be whisked away to a kingdom where the stars never faded and the world was cast in eternal night – utter bliss.

I love the use of specific verbs here! It makes your passage stronger then using weaker or less specific verbs. "whisked" and "enveloped" are really nice :)

Meanwhile every night, from her seat on the porcelain throne overlooking the world, the lonely lunar queen would sing the world to sleep.

Ooh, this is really neat. We went from a boy who was yearning for something more to a lunar queen who feels alone -> it seems like these two will meet up, and they'll find what they're looking for in each other :)

The boy’s heart was a battered ship amidst internal tempests, kindred to her own, always on the brink of falling apart.

I love this metaphor! Comparing his heart to a damaged, worn-out ship is quite unique, and it's very effective in getting your point across. Additionally, I love how you chose to go with a metaphor instead of a smilie, which I find to be not as strong as a metaphor

He glanced down at the world, tears clinging to his face before tumbling to the earth, which grew smaller and smaller as he ascended higher and higher.

I wonder if he's scared or startled? I don't think he expected to be swept up by the moon xD so I wonder how he's feeling internally at the sudden surprise. Perhaps he feels shocked? Questioning where he's going?

dressed in a gown of starlight and a crown of moonstone,

OOH I'm really curious as to what a gown of starlight looks like :O And what exactly do moonstones look like? Are the two items shiny? Pearl-like? Do they look soft or rough to the touch? Just some thoughts to consider ^_^

Oh, and I'm also kind of wondering how old the two are! More the lunar queen. I wonder if she's been the queen for awhile? Does this affect her age and her looks, or is she immortal? She sounds older since she refers to the boy as "my dear boy," and I'm curious as to how much older

"Can I live here forever,” he whispered into the dazzling folds of her gown. “Here, you may fulfill every dream in your heart my dear child.”

I wonder how he's going to fulfill every dream? What makes the moon different from the earth? What exactly are his dreams?

Ahh, this is such a beautiful story!! Your imagery always amazes me. I love how you were able to relate your imagery to celestial images. In addition, it all connected to the story in some way. For example, you described the characters as having pale faces, just like the moon. In addition, there were several sparkling images, just like stars and other celestial images. Overall, your descriptions are always so captivating, just like in this story! ^_^

The only critique I have is that I didn't really quite get the dialogue. I totally get you want to be a bit vague. The boy wanted to be whisked away, but why was he unhappy on earth? What exactly was he going to do on the moon? Has the lunar queen ever brought any else on the moon? And what dreams is he hoping to accomplish? I think just a little more explanation would've really helped in understanding this piece. But again, it is up to you ^_^

And that's all I got for you! I hope this review proves to be useful to you ^_^ I hope to read more from you soon!

Hi Poetry Misfit,

Mailice here with a short review!

You've written a really fantastic story that I really like. There is something magical about it!

Let's start with some points that stood out to me while reading:

He yearned for the dark sky to reach down upon the earth and cradle him in its cosmos.

This is such a deep and meaningful sentence, and you've done it beautifully. In general, I think your first paragraph sounds just wonderful, and draws the reader into the story perfectly.

Every night as the moon ascended to her peak in the sky, the boy climbed out through his bedroom window and up the ivy veins to the roof.

I love here that you refer to the moon as a "she", with a connection to the Roman goddess Luna. But I also think it's the queen, who is mentioned later.

For this, she blew him a kiss of wind, which descended upon his rooftop, whooshing him upward through and through layers of the atmosphere.

I don't know exactly what I felt didn't fit here, but I think it's the first"through" that's a little out of place here. I think even if you remove it, the sentence still has the same meaning.

"Can I live here forever," he whispered.

I would add a question mark here, because it's a question the boy is saying.

Your writing has such great metaphors and descriptions that seem fairytale-like and full of beauty. I think the only criticism I can make, which is my opinion though, is your dialogues. They seem a little out of place here in this fabulous text. You build up such a great atmosphere throughout the story that it's a bit of a break with the first sentence spoken.

I think even without the dialogue, you could do in indirect speech or in a simple narrative style what you've already done here. That would also give the whole story back that kind of "magic" that I felt when I read it.

Of course, if you don't want to do that (which is perfectly OK,) I would split up the dialogue so that each spoken sentence is on one line, otherwise it seems a bit cluttered when you read.

This whole short story reminded me a lot of an old (Spanish?) song I loved to listen to as a child about a boy climbing a ladder to the moon. (I think the song is even called Luna or something) Your lyrics have a very poetic and melancholic sound and it also reminded me of an old folk tale. It was really fun to read it.

In summary, I can say that it was a really marvellous short story. I think it could even be written as a wonderful poem.

Have fun writing it!

Mailice.

Hey there! Plume here, with a review!

Aww, this story was so good! I really enjoyed reading it a lot. It definitely had a sort of fairy tale/folk tale vibe to it, and you executed it really well. Even though it was on the shorter side, it contained really well executed imagery and an engaging plotline, which just added so much to it. Nice work!

I think my favorite thing about this was all the space and ethereal imagery you put in it. When you described the songs that the boy and the lunar queen sang to each other, I could feel my heart aching alongside theirs. I could almost hear the music, that's how great the imagery was. I also really loved your opening line; I think it set the mood and tone super well. I also really enjoyed the part where you described the lunar queen and her outfit; it put in my mind this very angelic creature who's almost like a goddess, and it fit right in with the rest of your story. Really great job!!

Specifics

“Can I live here forever,” he whispered into the dazzling folds of her gown. “Here, you may fulfill every dream in your heart my dear child.” She then began to sing, soft as the night, which settled around them.

A couple things:

1) since "can I live here forever" is asking a question, I'd put a question mark rather than a comma after it.

2) Generally, you should start a new paragraph when someone else begins talking. I think you need a new paragraph starting when the lunar queen begins to speak in response to the boy.

3) Since "My dear child" is a sort of address, where the lunar queen is directing her statement at the boy, you should separate it from the rest of the sentence with commas. You do this a couple times throughout the piece, too, like when the lunar queen says "Because you are special my dear boy."

Other than that, I didn't really notice anything inherently bad about this piece! I think you did a really phenomenal job crafting a very magical yet short and sweet tale. I look forward to reading more of your work on YWS. Until next time!