The sky is an ocean, the twinkle of its waves reflecting the lights of the world. There is a greater depth to be discovered, full of strange creatures shrouded in mystery. A mermaid swims by, her illuminescent beauty gleaming as she glides across the surface of the cosmos. The moon is an island and it is a lonely place to be. The waves lap against her pale shores and at times completely wash over her, until there is nothing but a roiling dark surface where she used to shine.
She was a walking dream with footsteps trailing starlight in her wake. Her smile was the crescent moon illuminating the world and her eyes were indigo oceans too deep to fathom. She slept on the sun and recited poetry to the wind that carried her words to every corner of the world. She was a lover to no one but the sky and her delicate form could be found twirling among the constellations.
When I sleep, my head is like the sky and my dreams are the colors displayed across it. I have dreams full of happy memories and gumdrop fantasies so sweet, the clouds look like cotton candy. And there are dreams that tear across the sky like a storm, leaving only darkness in its wake. Sometimes, a light shines through the clouds when my mind is lost deep within the dark enfolds. The illumination of a better dream clears the sky, ridding it of any remnants left by the nightmare. And the sun shines brightly, making the colors in my sky glow, so when I wake up, the sun shines on a sky full of happy thoughts.
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,773 Reviews
Hi PoetryMisfit,
Mailice here with a short review!
So, I have the impression that we have a big difference between the sections here, almost as if you have painted a picture that describes joy and happiness, but you have used gloomy and sad colours. At least it leaves me with the bland taste of a kind of fairy tale that fizzles out as soon as you think about it too much.
In terms of writing style, I think you build up a very poetic tone. It seems very well constructed in many places and reads very smoothly and evenly in parts, as if you were a ball rolling from one side of the scale to the next. In the second section in particular, I think it stands out because you always use an "and" to lengthen the sentences, which gives the effect of going from one line to the next in a poem.
Your introduction is good as it is, with a partly very mysterious and philosophical tone. It makes me think that you have taken two basic points and reversed them. It gives the introduction a good way into the story, especially to allow the reader to settle in and let their imagination run wild.
With the third section, everything seems to go in a different direction. It doesn't seem so poetic and dreamy anymore, but realistic, almost as if the house of cards you've built up has collapsed. It gave me this feeling of being down, of waking up after a beautiful dream, only to know that the bland aftertaste is that the more you think about it, the paler the memory becomes.
But at the same time, I had the impression that it was a kind of "new morning", where you give hope a new chance and through that you give some kind of happiness along the way.
In summary, it was visibly a short and wonderful story with a very nice tone and great build-up!
Other points I noticed while reading:
I think it would be appropriate here if you took away the "it is", because it seems a bit strange from the reading flow, and then you help the poetic sound. That way you have the same number of syllables before and after the "and".
I don't know why, but this sentence has stuck in my mind the most, especially how you manage to describe something so natural in such beautiful words.
Have fun writing!
Mailice
Hey Mailice.
Thank you so much for your review and I really appreciate the pointers! That's my favorite line too, how funny!
Hi, here is a quick review:
I noticed that nature and its vastness are a couple of overarching themes here...you have tried to describe the sky as an 'ocean', and your head as a 'sky' of dreams, etc. I did find many of the metaphors and similes you have used to be abstract and hyperbolic. It would help the reader to picture your descriptions better if you used more concrete examples in your descriptions.
I liked the idea of the mermaid. However, again I was not able to visualize what you were trying to say, and the descriptions of the mermaid such as "she was a walking dream", " her eyes were were indigo oceans too deep to fathom", "her illuminescent beauty"... were abstract and vague.
Do keep writing!
These are just opinions. Please take only what you can accept, and discard the rest.
Have a great day!
NEW STORY FROM YOU omg I'm excited and I'll just get right into it :)
Yess, I love the use of a metaphor instead of a smilie; I find that to be a lot stronger c:
I'm not sure if I quite get the metaphor, though; what part of the sky seems like waves? And are the twinkles themselves reflecting the lights or are the twinkles a result of the reflection?
Ooh, this reminds me of the "fish swimming in the skies" origin story that I can't remember the name of :p I love the concept of a mermaid swimming in the sky; it's so unexpected, and adds to that "mystery" aspect of the sky you mentioned before
Also, I'm not sure if "illuminescent" is a word? Did you perhaps mean "luminescent"?
I honestly think you could have a separate vignette for the moon. I kind of want to hear more about the sky, and the moon seemed to come out of nowhere. Yes, the moon is part of the sky xD but I feel like there's a lot more to discover about both the sky and the moon; perhaps you could separate the two? That way it doesn't feel like it's jumping a lot, from the sky to the mermaid to the moon
I love this opening! c: "walking dream" is such a neat concept, almost reminds me of sleepwalking :)
I don't have much to comment on this one! ^_^ Maybe you could try something different where there's only one image you're centered on? Like here, you have a lot of different images in one: the sun, moon, ocean -> and not that I don't like this!! I think it's really pretty, and I'm just offering another suggestion that you could have a different version where the images are more connected so it all feels like one piece ^_^
I love the gumdrop fantasies and cotton candy clouds ^_^ it's cool to see all of your images connected and centered on one idea c:
I'm curious what those happy memories are; not them specifically, like riding on a bike, but maybe what images they evoke?
A very random suggestion that you can totally ignore; what if you replaced "like a storm" to "in a storm," so it's like the dreams are traveling / tearing across the sky in a storm? Just a thought ^_^
I believe "enfolds" is only used as a verb, so I'm a bit confused how someone can be lost deep within that verb ^_^ or maybe it has a noun counterpart; but I've never seen it used as a noun
Just wanted to point out that repetition that, personally, makes the ending a bit weaker. But that's only my opinion! ^_^
Ahh I love these vignettes <3 I already knew they'd be good, based on your other short stories. I always seriously enjoy your celestial imagery and the pictures you are able to paint. These little shorts have no conflict or main characters, but they feel so tangible and are super enjoyable to read. I like how you took concepts and were able to make them so vivid and observable. This was a really nice read :)
I hope my comments prove useful to you, and I hope to read more soon!
Hi Poetry Misfit!
Here's a review for you today!
I love your idea behind this sentence, but I feel like the word "displayed" disrupts the flow a little bit. What if you tried: "When I sleep, my head is like the sky and my dreams are the colors carried across."
These are two different ideas that you spliced together with a comma, and they feel like they should be two sentences.
- If you want one sentence: "I have dreams full of happy memories and gumdrop fantasies so sweet that the clouds look like cotton candy."
- If you want two: "I have dreams full of happy memories and gumdrop fantasies so sweet. Within them, clouds appear as cotton candy."
I like all of the imagery you've accomplished here; however, this last sentence is a little long and redundant. Try this on for size: "The sun shines brightly, making colors glow, amidst a sky of happy thoughts for my awakened self."
This is my favorite part! I love the imagery of a dark sea of stars rippling as the mermaid disturbs the water. It's very serene and satisfying!
Anyways, well done with this! I really enjoyed reading and thinking about the picture this paints. Take what you will from this and keep on writing!